Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends! Hope the holidays bring new insights and better understanding for all of us!
Having a great day with my girls. Stayed the night last night w/my D14, D19, me and 3 dogs in a one bedroom apt.! My 2 dogs are country dogs and just don't get this "stay on a leash" to do their business thing. Their mom texted them on a group text "Happy TG" this morning (not even a special message for her kids? Group text that includes the people she works with?). I may text her later with a picture of the turkey D19 and I are cooking wishing her a happy TG, not sure yet.
D19 has to go to work tonight as she works retail and big day tomorrow. D14 and I were going to stay another night but D14 is wanting to go home. D19 needs a ride to work tomorrow and I'm not sure how to get D14 home and her to work. I don't want to leave D19 hanging but it's a long drive back. I need to think this one through. If I don't take her she will have to pay for an Uber ride and it will take much of what she earns. (Her boyfriend would have taken her but is out of town). Oh, well, I'll figure out some way to help her out.
Everyone root for the Eagles to crush the Cowboys! Go Birds!!
I dropped my D14 off at her mom's this morning. I didn't expect W to be there but not only was she there, but her father and his W were as well. I really can't stand either of them, knowing the part they played in my W's MLC and now in the ending of my M. I really didn't want to hear all about his being on death's door (the first thing he says every time time I see him is how he's so close to dying, so sick, looking for sympathy), have to act nice around a man (and his OW) that I have no respect for at all! So, I dropped off my D and made a quick exit. Of course that was dumb because I was supposed to take D14 to school. I hadn't even gotten to the end of the road and I realized that I left without taking her to school! I turned around and had her meet me out front. I was a little embarrassed as W came out. Oh, well.
I'm going to be honest here...I feel awful! I am really depressed, more so than I have been in ages. I hate that I won't have my D14 here with me. I hate that my D19 is so far away. I hate that my family is pretty much stuck having to deal with the selfish whims of of my MLC W. I enjoyed having my girls together and being a family and now it's back to everyone having to be apart. I have to get myself moving and take this course on line so I can start my new job, I have to call my lawyer, I have to try and get a sale and the computers and phones at work are still down. The money I got from my parents is almost gone having to go to pay past due bills and I must make some more and soon.
I find myself so angry at my W once again. Because of her I don't get to see my D's, holidays are stress filled events and not happy times. I have so little to be thankful for this year, about the worst year of my life because of my W and her MLC. I mean it's even partly her fault that it has taken so long to find a new job because she HAD to move my D14 so far away and I kept trying to find something that was in that direction. And W has no clue just how much pain and stress she has caused so many and wouldn't care even if she did in her state. This isn't mind reading, this is an observation of her attitude since this all started. I now find myself knowing that I have no real desire to ever be back with my W again. I still want my family together and the only way that can happen is if we did find a way to mend our M and that would be the only reason I would want her back in my life. The person I knew and loved has gone for good (or so it seems) and this selfish immature person has taken her place.
I have no money for X-mass. I can't help out my D19 who really needs some parental support (and deserves it) but her mother refuses to help her at all unless she does what SHE wants her to do...exactly what her father did to her and she hated that about him all her life, now she is doing the same thing to her own child, how sick is that? I have tried so hard to have compassion for my W because she is in "crisis" but as things keep going and she gets worse, not better, and I have so much stress because of her actions, I find it harder and harder to do. If I saw ANY sign that she may be waking up I might be able to hold on to some compassion but instead all I see is her getting and acting worse, not better.
I miss having human contact. I miss having someone special to talk to and just be with. Someone I can be honest with and not have to think about how they will react to this or that...it's so crazy when I think how long I have had to worry about how my W will take this or whether she will be angry or feel "pressured" by that. What about us LBS's? Why are we the ones that need to do this when the MLCers are the ones who have destroyed everything we worked for for so long?
Sorry about the downer tone of this post. Maybe it's just post TG blues now that the holiday is over. Just to show you where I'm at right now I have been thinking about my client who's W died a couple months ago. This was his first TG without her and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him. But I have found myself thinking that this would be easier if my W had died. He will have his kids with him and they will share their grief and remember the good times together as a family. We have to worry about who is going where and ask why W has changed so much. Why does she not seem to care about family any more, why is she so selfish and cold. My D's have to pretend around her that they aren't angry and not hurt her precious feelings, put up with her father (D14 was so upset when she saw that my FIL was there this morning and said she hopes he's gone by the time school is over) and not get to spend time with the family they love because that is my W's side and since she left she hasn't spent any time with them (they don't think her leaving was the right thing to do so W avoids them). I know that is wrong of me. I'm sure that in reality if she had died it would be horrible and painful just in a different way but it is how I feel at times. I don't like feeling that way but at times I just can't help it. It's so not like me, at least the me up until now.
Sorry for the rambling post. I hope everyone had a great TG and I wish you all the best!
The only thing I can tell you is that being where we both are in our situations is you can chose to laugh or cry. Crying gets old real fast so I have chosen to laugh. I hope you will do the same.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Matt 4 years ago I wouldnt have asked if my daughter wanted PS 4, Xbox one, new laptop, 70" tv, furniture etc. I would have been able to buy them all for her. Now is different. Even she knows it. I asked her if she wanted the Xbox one. She said no too expensive. My ex makes good money but I think she didnt do math. You know I never made enough all my fault thingy.
Kids are resilient. Dont beat yourself up.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks guys, My kids have been really good about the money thing, much better than my W for sure. W told me a couple weeks ago that she thinks it would be best for her to give D14 a $10 a week allowance on even months and I should do it in odd months. Well, this was an odd month. So, before I took her back to her mom's I offered her $10 for at least this last week. She looked at me and said she was fine and didn't need it. A teenager that turned down cash! She knows how hard it's been and just how broke I am. She asks for very little from me because of this. I am truly blessed to have a D that is so thoughtful. It's more how I feel not being able to get her anything. Her birthday is the week before X-mass so I can't get her anything for THAT either. My D19's birthday was a week after W left. W didn't do anything for her but I had some money at the time and made her a cake and had a small party for her at my house. She was so thankful for just that, knowing that I'm really struggling.
I guess there's something to be thankful for. That I have 2 great kids who understand what I'm going through and appreciate the things I do for them even more since they know how hard it is for me to do anything!
I really think I'm just feeling the way I am because this past TG was the first holiday post W leaving. The way she acted, the way she was so callous about making sure I know that she will get the girls on X-mass because they decided to spend this holiday with me. That and the fact that I'm feeling the stress of getting all the stuff done I need to to start my new job, try to make something before leaving the old, having to go to my parents once again for help, I think it's all just getting to me.
Oh, well. Nothing I can do but keep moving and keep my head in the game. I just don't have time to wallow. I need to leave the "poor me"'s to the MLCers and just get over it!
I guess there's something to be thankful for. That I have 2 great kids who understand what I'm going through and appreciate the things I do for them even more since they know how hard it is for me to do anything!
No guessing there...
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Oh, well. Nothing I can do but keep moving and keep my head in the game. I just don't have time to wallow. I need to leave the "poor me"'s to the MLCers and just get over it!
There will be time to recuperate soon Matt...trust me, you're going to get there and it'll surprise you, what you learned about what you CAN do, what you are made of... you'll be thinking "holy cr@p, I did it...I freaking did it!"
Keep going...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Help everyone! I just had a really horrible call with my W! First I find out from HER that my lawyer is dropping me because I haven't responded AFTER I told him I had no time to talk to him and would get back to him. Than she said "Why don't we just talk about this". I said that wasn't a good idea but I let her rope me into talking. I couldn't believe all the crap she was spewing. Now she's been unhappy since the first day of our M, so much so she was getting sick and would be dead if she didn't leave. Then she went on a rant saying that she was "still having to take care of me" because I'm on her insurance and she has paid more for stuff for D14. That the house I live in is "half hers" and that I live there rent free. I pointed out SHE left the house on her own and that until the D is final that is how it works, I live here only because she moved out! That my wanting to get back the money that was cashed out of my retirement and to pay her student loans is just "unfair" because I shouldn't have cashed it out and that her loans were payed for with "her half" of money from tax returns.
Then things got personal. I was "mean" to my D19 until she (W) asked for a D. That "all kinds of people" had told her that I was "mean" to my D19 for years and she told me time and time again that I should be nicer to her. That "everyone" was unhappy until she asked for a D, meaning me, and my D's. When I said that only she see's it that way, that the girls weren't unhappy, she said that they are just saying that to be nice and not hurt my feelings! Here I am trying to make some money, any money and get through this course and she's doing this!
She thinks that she is entitled to half of everything even though she brought $30,000 in debts and I brought in $50,000 in assets that we used to live on to the M. I told her all I wanted was what I had coming to me by law and that my lawyer told me that I had a right to recover that money. She said that my lawyer is just telling me what I want to hear and that her lawyer is trying to "help" me!
When I told her that, like I said at the start, this isn't a good idea and that I need to talk to my lawyer she went personal. Brought up things from 21 years ago and acted like they had just happened. Refused to believe that she said things that she had said. Told me that I was acting like a jerk. If anyone remembers the time right after she left that I asked about maybe keeping an antique clock we bought at her grandmothers estate sale and she freaked out in front of the kids and her BFF, well she now says she was "as calm as could be" and that I was being so loud and angry her BFF thought I was going to hit her! I can't believe that! After she left I apologized to my D's and they both said I had nothing to be sorry about. That they couldn't believe how she was acting and I did exactly the right thing. W has it backwards.
To top it off, now that she has left she is so very happy. She no longer is on anti-depressives (she probably should be), her health is better, blah, blah.
I broke a lot of DB rules tonight but not all. I really, really tried to listen and validate when I could but the biggest rule I broke was letting her rope me into a talk to begin with! I have been fighting being so depressed and trying to hang on by my fingernails. She even says that I never said that she shouldn't move so far south in case I couldn't get a job south. She freaked out when I said this saying I NEVER said such a thing. I most certainly did! And I told her I didn't think D14 should be in a school so far away. She has the guts to say that she put her in that school because it was where D14 wanted to go. That is so untrue. D14 wanted to go to school closer to me but farther from her and one of her friends mother offered to take her in the morning but W didn't want to be "beholden" to anyone. I should have fought her harder on this.
I hate what has happened to her and how she has now changed everything. She is no further along in getting through her MLC than the day she bombed me. She may even be worse. I had to hear again how she didn't love me from the day we M and that we should have D'd years ago. That if she had kept working she would have left years ago. She only had our kids because she wanted kids, even though she "didn't love or want me". How am I supposed to care about this person? How can she say it was all an act, that inside, the entire time, she was dying. Than she ends saying she "cares" about me and wants me to be happy! Really? She sure has a great way to show it!
Right now I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I'm angry at her for saying that I was such a bad father when I was the one who took the kids everywhere, who had to feed them, take them to get prom dresses for God's sake because she couldn't be bothered...but of course that's MY fault because I "made" her unhappy. I want to hate her but I don't hate her really. I hate the way she is thinking and acting. The way she turns things around like the way she acted about the clock. I watched her lose every friend she ever had because she always was somehow slighted by them and just stopped talking to them. I watched her stop caring about her kids and her M and now blames me for HER actions. She says that I did things I never did, said things I never said, felt ways I never felt and uses those things to justify her own behaviors. She may be in crisis, but according to her, she's happier than she has been in 20 years because she left. How am I supposed to care about someone like this?
My goodness I'm spinning! I hope someone is out there that can help bring me down.
