Shakspr #5: I fear and hope, I burn and freeze

[bravo61]

Hey shakes,
Haven't seen a recent post. Any updates? I'll be joining the D crew soon. Any signs of your XW thawing or facing reality? Praying for us.

[Shakspr]

Hello, all. Had a great week with family and am now traveling for work. GAL is now ski trip planning.

Bravo, the only thaw I have seen is that she is considering attending the children's Christmas program at the church we were members of together. Otherwise, she is enjoying me taking most of the time with children now while she takes extended weekends out of town - I know not where, but I have a pretty good guess.

I have asked the members of the church to pray that she comes and that they just love on her if she does. She is taking them to practice there today and tomorrow while I am gone.

I still feel lost and without purpose when I don't have the kids. She remains at the forefront of my mind when I am not actively engaged at work or on some sort of project. The intensity is down some.

So, per plan, I am checking out Divorce Care for after the New Year and trying to decide which of the recommended books to read next. Gotta keep working on me. ESPECIALLY when I do not want to.

[Shakspr]

Hey, guys. A not so great night. D22 informed me that she needed to come clean - mom is seeing somebody. And Mom has been looking for validation (but not getting it) from d22. And Mom introduced him to my kids last wknd. I'm sure D8 and S11 were impressed. And SS15 has known about this guy for weeks since he joined XW and SS15 on at least one trip back to his Dad's house.

D22 is sad and pissed. I am sick to my stomach. 7 weeks post-divorce and she's turned into some special kind of crazy.

Pray for me guys. Don't know what I'm gonna do next - or what else to say to D22. XW said she wants to marry this guy to D22.

I guess we'll wait and see. I'll just keep on fixing my financials and preparing for the worst. Won't tell XW I know anything until it comes out more organically.

D8 turns 10 in 16.5 months - which is when the courts will take her wishes into account when deciding where she should establish her primary residency. I guess I'll aim for that date if I have to get legal. XW has lost all my respect and I don't think she and boxing guy should be the primary people raising my son and daughter. There's lots of stuff about her I've never mentioned here - and being married three times (& now potentially 4) is only the tip of the iceberg. Hurt people hurt people. I can't and won't let her hurt my children even more.

[raliced]

Aw Shakes,

I was hoping when you took a break that things were getting better for you.

I wish I could say I was surprised. I've read enough threads here to realize that when a WAS says they will keep the kids away from the AP, they rarely keep their word.

As for D22, I think the message should just be that what is happening with your XW makes you sad too, but her Mom will have to walk her own path. Regardless, you will be there for her (D22).

Did your XW ask the kids to keep this a secret from you, given that she knew how you felt about it?

This is all still pretty fresh for you - give it a day or two to settle. You're strong enough to protect your kids.

I hope your ski trip is still on.

[Little]

[Shakspr]

Ski trip is still on.

XW told D22 that she introduced the kids to a "very special friend" over the weekend. No idea how much, how long, overnight, whatever. She has told D22 that she spends every available second with this guy, and punishes D22 emotionally when she refuses to engage the conversation about the boxer in a positive way.

Certainly explains why D22 was making the situation worse while the D was ongoing - she has known about the other man longer than I have.

Whatever. My younger kids will ignore it entirely until there is a pattern, then put it together. I have no idea what the SS15 thinks (he has had more exposure.) I know he damn sure appreciates the time he gets with me, and wants me to teach him how to drive.

My XW is a selfish narcissist. Unless boxer pulls back, she will run headlong into yet another marriage. I almost feel sorry for the home wrecking a$$hole.

[raliced]

Ouch - that all sounds ugly.

I wish I could give you some sage, calming advice here, but the truth is that this is the aspect of my situation that I struggle with. Having the other woman in any kind of familial role with my children raises a lot of primal emotions with me, and I have not found a way to deal with them successfully. It's not a good feeling when they leave with their father, knowing where they are going.

Does your XW have any female friends? Is she confiding this all to D22 in a BFF kind of way?

Have you seen the kids since they met him?

[Shakspr]

She is confiding to D22; D22 is done with that now that she's spilled her guts to me. No idea what other women (including her Aunt - surrogate Mom) know or are saying.

I have had the children one evening (last night) since they met him. They didn't mention it. SS15 has known longer, hasn't mentioned it. I doubt they were sworn to silence, but who knows at this point. If I was in that spot (SS15) I'd be setting the whole thing on fire. But he retreats into his online persona of EDM music mixer and Android programmer. We talk, but he is withdrawn anyway; that's why I can't really tell a difference unless he is obviously hurting.

It's not even primal at this point. Hell, 15 years ago, I was filling the same role as boxing guy is now. Granted, she had been divorced 4 months and separated a year and a half before I met her kids then. Aren't we supposed to learn from our past? She seems content to repeat it, and wonder why she keeps getting the same result.

I know from your thread, rali, that you are separating. I hope that goes relatively well. Your children are so young! They probably won't remember a time when Mom and Dad were together...I don't know what's worse, that, or mine, who will always remember being a whole family. BOTH SITUATIONS MAKE ME CRY.

I hate everything about this. I am as close to being completely broken as I ever will be. I can at least take solace in that.

I'm pretty handy with a chainsaw, but Northern Cali is a long ways away. I hope that project is fun for you when it comes to fruition.

[raliced]

I hate everything about this. I am as close to being completely broken as I ever will be. I can at least take solace in that.

I'm sorry you feel so low, Shakespr - I'm going to quote something someone once said on my thread to make me feel better when I was feeling bad about my kids

this too shall pass. ...... It's a transition, and this is how they process the emotion. Love them, indulge them a little (but just a little!) Then keep working to make the best life possible. You are the lighthouse, an island in the storm.

And now I should ask, are you feeling this low because of OM being around your kids? Or does your XW's stated desire to marry him make reconciliation seem more out of reach?

I do have some advice about the kids. When STBX first ran away, we told the kids that he had to sleep closer to work for awhile. I knew he had a roommate and had suspicions of course, but didn't know it was OW. I thought the kids had totally accepted this (I must have said this 3 or 4 times on my thread) but throughout this time, D6 would say "Mom, I have a question...and then she would chicken out and ask me something innocuous. It was about a month before she finally blurted out what she had been wanting to, which was "Does Daddy love his friend Lisa more than you". I know they thought they were being sly, but looking back, I think she picked up on it almost immediately. Your kids are older - I doubt it will take more than a couple times around him before they put 2 and 2 together - so be prepared.

I'm very sorry your XW put D22 in that position. That was not fair to her and must have made her very uncomfortable. Glad you are there for her.

It is a very hard thing for our kids, regardless of age. I would do anything to make it better and I know you would too.

Hang in there. God Bless.

P.S. I confess to having a bit of a phobia about chainsaws - but I'm going to have to learn how to use one pretty soon. There was a big storm here last week and I realized it was very possible for one of those trees to fall somewhere on the 1/2 mile of driveway.

[Nitty]

Shakespr, I am so sorry. Just reading how your kids have been exposed to the OM just pisses me off. Again, I am SO GLAD my kids were grown when all MLC happened.

I wish I knew what to say or do. Words just can't express. Like Raliced said, knowing your children have contact with the AP stirs up some primal emotions. My gut twists just reading your words.

Keep on being the best person you can possibly be. Don't stoop to her level (which, granted, is pretty damn low right now and you'd have to stoop pretty far). Keep focusing on you and the kids. (Easy for me to say.)

I wish I lived near you because I'd take you out for happy hour somewhere. Here's a virtual toast to you: you're in some kind of a nasty battleground, that's for sure. Here's to you, Shakespr. I'm praying for you, too.