My waking nightmare

[Wonka]

Lorelei,

You would try to keep in mind that WASes don't like long phone convos which is why it is vital to keep them short and to the point. Also cut back on initiating convos/texts UNLESS absolutely necessary.

Mirror back the short responses and be the first to end the convo....on a positive note. Have you been referring to the validation cheat sheet to aid you through this process? If not, perhaps you might want to do so to freshen up on those skills.

[Calibri]

Have to agree with Wonka. WAS don't want to be on the phone. Mine has about 15 minutes before he gets very, very upset.

Have you and H agreed upon a co-parenting? I'm just making an observation from your threads, you seem to be stressed (and rightfully so) with taking care of your children without your H 's assistance. If I remember correctly, didn't you call him when one of your kids were having a meltdown? And then called him for help when you were sick? And then called about the report card, and then about the tablet?

I'm going to mind read for a second, but it may be that your H doesn't want to deal with it right now, because he's in his own head. The comment about you always being there asking questions, while hurtful, makes me wonder if he's feeling pressured by you? Which is why I ask if you've talked about co parenting?

Perhaps instead of calling him, you could wait at least 24 hours and see if you still need to discuss an issue with him (barring emergency). If you do, perhaps send and email or text that he can respond to later.

It's hard when our H's suddenly become the opposite of what we are used to. I mentioned that I was sick as a dog today and I got a "there's a lot of that going around, take care of yourself." No, "do you need anything, can I get you anything?" Which is what pre-BD husband would've done. It is what it is right now, and it made me slightly side, but I moved past it and made a mental note not to call him expecting help. At least for now.

[BklynMom]

Even though my marriage is over there have been several success stories on these boards during my time here so don't give up hope. Check out Labug or Crimson who still post on the piecing thread.

You need to give your H more space. Even more than you could ever imagine.

You haven't mentioned another woman in your post. 95% of the time MLC men have another woman and even though you behaved badly in your marriage, the main reason they have given up on it is the existance of another woman.

My H denied his GF for a year after the bomb then finally admitted and is still with the younger woman I suspected was his GF from the beginning.

Do you have any suspecisions?

If there is really no OW you have a much better chance of reconciling.

Check out the book This Isn't the Season You think it is by Laura Munson. That book gave me so much hope when I had none.

There is no way your H doesn't have doubts that what he is doing by leaving is wrong. Give him all the space you can. Don't pressure him in any way.

Focus on yourself and your kids.

The fact that he moved in with his mother and not a dude is truly a good sign.

Its great that you are working on yourself and are on proper medication now. Is there something else you can be doing to work on your mental health? Therapy or Alanon or a church group. These are things that will be great for you and also show your H and his family that you are committed to working on your Issues.

Can his mother watch the kids once a week while you attend a self help meeting?

Again, give your H space. Show him that you are bigger then the humiliation you are enduring. That you will go through this for him with grace and dignity. That a few months or a year of this can be endured for the sake of your kids and your enact family.

You can do it!

[Georgiabelle]

Lorelei,

You've received some great advice. I know you miss your h, and I don't say this to be harsh, although the R you know is gone. Done. Really. And he's not the man you remember when you recall the good times. It sounds like you are *expecting* him to come back. He's not in da house.

Back off. Stop the calling to chat about whatever. Stop the R talks. This is not a productive use of your time. You need to focus on your life and your kids. I know you love your h, and again, you need to focus on making your life rich and wonderful whether it's with him, without him or with someone else.

Please keep in mind your ILs are in a difficult spot. They probably are operating the best they know how.

Hang in there and enjoy the kids this holiday season. They certainly make it fun:-)

[Lorelai]

Calibri, Wonka, BklynMom, GB, thank you for posting on my thread around the holidays. I haven't had much time to post, but I have been reading. Your advice and insight was extremely helpful. Christmas Eve went better than I expected. H came to get the kids in the afternoon and after I kissed them goodbye I went into the kitchen and busied myself as they headed out the door and drove away. Then I started crying. But I dried my eyes, grabbed my keys and went to the salon for a very lovely pedicure, then picked up takeout at one of my favorite upscale Chinese restaurants. I took advantage of the time while the kids were out and wrapped all the gifts and hid them in the bedroom so H and I could bring them out after the kids were in bed so it would look like Santa had come in the morning.
H stayed over so he could be here Christmas morning. The kids had a great time and I made an egg dish for breakfast/brunch which he complimented me on. In the afternoon he stayed at the house while I took the kids to his mom's to have Christmas with her. She had wanted us to come without H so we could have our own Christmas with her since I didn't go to Christmas Eve. It was a very nice day. When we got home I was exhausted and I asked H if we could go into the bedroom where I gently put my hand on his shoulder and asked if he could stay another night because I was so tired and I could really use the extra help. He said yes and then went into the kitchen and made the kids dinner, which helped a ton and I told him so, hugging him. He hugged me back. After the kids went to bed we watched a documentary together, something we always used to love doing. We sat on the couch together and I rubbed his back and then, surprisingly, halfway through the movie he started stroking my head. It felt so good to be touched like that by him. After the movie I went to bed in our room and he stayed on the couch again.
I have more to post. Thought H was softening big time, but today was horrible. I will write more later. I'm so tired and hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight so I can take the little ones to a kids' new year's eve event during the day, then taking S4 with me to a friend's house in the city for a NYE sleepover/playdate in the evening. More later!

[Lorelai]

I'm so tired and beat down by this whole thing. Just got the kids settled for a little while this afternoon. My almost 2-year-old didn't want to take her afternoon nap, and S4 threw a doozie of a tantrum b/c I put the wrong show on for him. I put him in a time-out and once he was calm we had a nice talk and I told him it's winter and it's been terribly cold out and school has been canceled several days in a row and we're probably all feeling the effects of being cooped up together. We hugged and everything was better, then I let him go into "mom and dad's" room to watch his show in there, which is a treat for him, plus even though he doesn't nap anymore, I think he needed to lay down for a little while and just chill. D21mos dragged her toddler chair into the bedroom so she could watch the show too and now they're both laughing and having fun.

But my patience is being tested. Big time. I am extra-irritable, not just because of cabin fever, (sorry for the tmi) but it's that time of the month too. I don't understand how my H can just see his children three days a week with no calling in between and continue to live with his mom with no resolution to our situation. I've been seeing a pro-marriage counselor who wants to see H on his own, but H keeps saying he's too busy for the appointment. Some days I feel like I should just take me and my kids out of limbo and file already to get myself on the track to finding the relationship I deserve with someone who keeps his promises, but that used to be my H. just a few years ago he would have cringed at the idea of a man walking out on his wife and kids. Guess I'll just keep standing, one day at a time. Not much else to do in this crummy weather.

Sorry to sound down, but I am a little today. I want my family back. I want my husband back. I did not have kids to raise them on my own and I'm finding it so hard to hold my head up high sometimes and take the "high" road when H has taken such a low one and no one it seems is giving him any sh**t about it!

[Lorelai]

Ending on a high note. Was feeling really down today and my PMA was positively PMS! Even ranted/complained a little on my own thread and a couple of other threads.

Now onto my night: Got my youngest to bed pretty easily since she missed her nap. But I noticed I was a little surly as I was putting S4 to bed and was thinking as I was reading stories how I had to go out into the snow and drag out the garbage since tomorrow is garbage day and isn't H a jerk for not being here for these things and poor me I'm all alone and blah blah blah. Well, after S4 was in bed I went around the house and gathered all the garbage/recycling, opened the garage and started to haul everything out when I noticed what an absolutely beautiful night it was. Fresh snow had fallen and it was still snowing, the cold snap had broke and it was actually a little warm. It was magical. All was quiet and glittering. I ran inside, grabbed S4 out of bed and put his snowsuit on quickly. He was grinning and excited and asking me what the surprise was— we went outside and played in this gorgeous, peaceful wonderland. He loved seeing the snow falling beneath the streetlights and the snow-covered trees. It was such a special moment and I felt bad for being little cranky today and being in such a hurry to get him to bed so I could get to my "chores" and complain to myself that H isn't here to help. Tomorrow might be hard. I don't know what it will bring. But I had a lovely moment with my child tonight and that's what I'm ending with. I wouldn't be able to see/have moments like this during this separation without this board. Thank you!

[Maybell]

Nice turnaround!

[Wonka]

Lorelei,

I love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE how you were able to appreciate those gifts and share it with your son. That put you in a joyful space. Magical moments like this are to be cherished.

[Lorelai]

Anyone out there who can weigh in would be much appreciated. Been doing some DB-type behaviors, but also incorporating some things my DB coach said which was to try to do whatever it was I was doing on Christmas that made H want to stay the night and watch a movie. So I've been being nice and appreciative and while I've been trying to play it cool, I've also been open about the fact that I am standing for this marriage—not pushy—just clear that I'm not helping get us divorced. Just an example: when I took the tree down I got out all the pictures and things I had stored away to make room for the holiday decor, including a large tabletop wedding photo. When I was putting everything back out I thought about leaving the wedding photo stored and any other photos of us but said what the heck we're still married and put them back out and also added a couple of other photos, such as a really cute one I found from our honeymoon. The pictures look lovely the way I've displayed them. I'm not going to take them down to try to prove anything or stress that I've "moved on." I am GALing but only for myself and things that I'm interested in. I guess basically what I'm saying is I WANT to save my marriage and while I'm doing my best not to fall apart in the process and stay strong, I'm not going to hide that fact from H.
So here's the lowdown:
- On the phone with H last night, I honestly can't remember what I was talking about (I think the conversation started as just about schedule changes and logistics, but I said something along the lines of "I just want us to heal." He said "I have some ideas." I of course immediately pressed and he said "not right now."
- H came over this morning while I went to a breakfast meeting with a client then a parent teacher conference. I lost my keys as I was heading out the door and got really flustered. He did give me a sort of "see, this is what I mean about you" type of attitude. Not my best moment, but I'm trying not to beat myself up about it.
-Got home tonight and H asked how the meeting went. Then he asked me about how much money I bring in a month (I freelance/contract). I felt myself get nervous (IS HE ASKING SO HE CAN SEE IF IT'S OK TO MOVE FORWARD WITH A D?) and then I said, you know it varies, around $xxx. why? He said I'm just trying to see how much money we're brining in, that's all. He did mention during a very non-db talk I had with him on New Year's Day that he wanted me to get a full-time job and I believe this is so he can divorce me. I'm looking for a full-time job either way and I just found out my school district is implementing all-day kindergarten next year (whoo-hoo!) so that will make things a lot easier daycare-wise.
-Pretty sure my H still wants to divorce me, but he's on the fence for a lot of reasons. DB coach said people sometimes have to wait more than a year to reconcile. I said I can't do that and she said everyone feels that way at first. Marathon not a sprint is what I hear around these parts.
-Having minor surgery tomorrow. H is keeping the kids at MILs while I recover at home. It really is no big deal, just a one-day recovery. Actually had a colleague who didn't know we were S say "You're going to be alone at your house?" I was so embarrassed. I didn't know what to say.
-I take these things as good signs: H still wears his ring and he hasn't filed or taken any legal action.
Thanks for stopping by!