I doubt I would be able to see him in person without reacting at all. The "stare em down with a smile" approach is way classier, IMHO.
You can if you practice beforehand by repeating the same mantra over and over which is: I am calm, cool, and collected.
Then picture yourself running into the OM and giving him the chit-eating grin when you glance at him while continuing walking in the opposite direction with your back ram-rod straight in your unique Rzr swagger. When visualizing, feel the emotions, feel the scene, feel the OM's presence, and feel yourself being confident.
I find that visualizing helps prevent one from getting into a clusterf*ck situations and prepares you mentally for the encounter.
While we're waiting for Bond, I saw someone else post a thread about thankfulness. I've been naturally thinking a lot about what I'm thankful for right now...those things are easy to forget in my current sitch
I'm thankful for:
1. My wife. She's a beautiful, strong woman who has brought so much color to my life. She's a wonderful mom. I'm thankful that she gave us the gift of time to work on our issues instead of simply running away, as many WAS have done.
2. My two beautiful daughters. If nothing else comes out of my current M, I still have them.
3. I have a good job, paid-for home and cars. Good health insurance that pays for MC.
4. Myself. Out of all the pain I have discovered how much I actually like myself. I am a good, strong man, no matter what my W may think right now. I'm my own person, and I've been getting my passion and purpose back. I can feel my alpha male confidence returning, which has been gone for way too long. I know I'd be a catch for a some lucky woman, even if my W can't see it right now.
5. This'll sound crazy, but in a way I'm thankful for OM. He's not the cause of our issues. Our M was dying before he ever came along. He may very well be the catalyst for my W and I to forge a beautiful new marriage together. It's also possible that we won't. In that case, see #4 above. I'll find a beautiful new relationship with a woman I haven't even discovered yet.
6. Last but not least, I am thankful for Wonka, Starsky, and all the posters on this forum. DB.com has been a godsend and a safe haven for me to navigate this sitch. I appreciate everyone's wisdom and insight. You have pulled me out of some dark discouraging holes and saved me some from mistakes more than once in the last month.
Happy Thanksgiving! I wish grace and peace for all the posters, whatever your M situation is right now.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/26/1407:18 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I just quickly skimmed through your stitch (I'm at work...shhhh) to see where the parents came into play. I'm glad that you took a stand against them and you and your W appear to be on the same page about it.
I have issues with H's parents. They're toxic as hell. My MIL offered to help H out of a financial hole that he got himself in. The catch? He had to leave me. And he wonders why I didn't want to spend the holidays with them that year.
I've spent several years angry at H, angry at them. Why didn't H stand up for me? Why? Because he couldn't stand up for himself. He avoided conflict and the relationship I have with his parents....is filled with conflict. Some of which H perpetuated. But I started to realize that while, yes, my H should've stood up for me, I'm a grown woman and if I was so offended, I should've said something myself and not relied on my H to white knight for me.
At some point, (and this may be an unpopular opinion) she may have to look at why she needs you to protect her from your parents. She needs to address the hurt that she has with them, and in turn, with you and really get into it. Because if it's not figured out -- it's going to fester.
Have you asked her point blank if there was anything that you could do to help her move forward with this? The reason I ask, my IC last year helped me have a conversation with my H about his parents. I asked him what he wanted/needed for me to do to have a relationship with his parents that he would be happy with. He told me. I listened. And then I told him what I needed from him to make that relationship happen. And it worked.
Just a thought.
Hang in there!
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
But I started to realize that while, yes, my H should've stood up for me, I'm a grown woman and if I was so offended, I should've said something myself and not relied on my H to white knight for me.
I disagree with this. They're his parents and the onus is on him to tell them that you're his wife and he won't tolerate that kind of disrespect. The person whose parents are being unfair/unkind/whatever need to set the boundary, not the spouse. People don't respond the same to their children vs "an outsider"; to really sink in, it needs to be the relative.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Gladly! Sorry, I've been debating things on the MB site and it's been quite... amusing.
Well, let's see, children. For those who don't know my story, my W's OM was her boss. About 25 years her senior. Over time he would buy my W gifts like spa treatments, clothing, jewelry, etc. and I noticed the gifts getting more elaborate each time. I asked her if this was "normal" and of course she just said he was generous to everyone, that he was a good man, blah blah blah.
So anyway, after I found out about the EA, my W left, but continued to work for the OM. After about the 3rd year, I get a call from the Receptionist at my work place saying that a friend of my boss' was here and that my boss recommended he talk to be to discuss a project. My boss does that all the time so I didn't think anything of it.
I go to the front office and it's a guy who is a pastor of a large church here and, lo and behold, my W's boss is with him. I greet them and lead them into the conference room and the pastor introduces himself and as he's about to introduce (we'll call him Dr. Douchebag), I tell him, "I know who he is. He's the guy who cheated with my W."
The pastor then proceeds to tell me that he is there to get me fired because of things that were written on the internet about Dr. Douchebag. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I told him so and that he probably didn't know what his friend did. I tell him that my W has told me the truth about everything and that he should get his facts straight. The pastor (we'll call him Pastor Pen*s) then tells me that it doesn't matter what happened and that he's going to get me fired.
As I'm talking to Pastor Pen*s, the Dr. Douchebag isn't saying a word. Then when I mention my W told me everything, he spoke up and asked WHAT?! What did she tell you? So I told him that she told me everything about how she and he kissed and how they both said they had feelings for each other, etc. Meanwhile, Pastor Pen*s tries stopping me and says, it doesn't matter what happened, your W's just crazy.
At that point I stopped. I can't explain it but an overwhelming feeling of calm and strength came over me. Maybe it was God or a Guardian Angel, but something inside me told me that everything would be okay.
So I looked at Pastor Pen*s square in the eye and tell him to NEVER call my W crazy. That she was brave enough to tell me the truth and that his "buddy" is the liar and just covering his @$$. The Dr. then calls me a "coward" for not confronting him at work about it. And I said, "and what would that accomplish? My W would get fired and my family would be in turmoil. I said he was the coward for not keeping it in his pants (he cheated with others in the past) and to go back home to his W. Now keep in mind, he is also an Elder in their church.
I told them that while I loved my job, my family was more important and that they could try to get me fired if they wanted to. They were a little shocked because I called them out and they repeated that they were "serious". I then walked up, got the phone, picked up the receiver and said i would dial my boss' number for them if they wanted.
During this time, a large crowd had gathered outside the room because we have glass windows. One of my friends came in and told them that they knew what was going on and the Dr. and Pastor had to leave.
The Dr. asked how did they know what was going on, and I said, quite loudly to the crowd that EVERYONE knows who he is and what he did because I had nothing to hide. I told him that I told all my coworkers, my friends, people at bars, at the bus stop, etc. And then I told the crowd, "hey everyone, this is the guy who cheated with my wife!".
They were both embarrassed and told me to continue the conversation outside. I again looked them dead in the eye and told him, "no". That we were DONE and that he should enjoy retirement in his old age with his W and that he should pray to God for forgiveness. That he meant NOTHING to me and that I would always be the better man. Incidentally, I forgot to mention that during the conversation I asked the Pastor if Jesus would approve of him coming over and trying to destroy my family. He said Jesus has nothing to do with it. Nice.
By then they were flustered and I held out my hand to shake the Pastor's hand and with a wide grin I told him it was nice to meet him. He looked disgusted and walked out. I escorted them out and as we passed the Receptionist, I told her, "hey by the way, that's the guy I told you about who cheated with my wife."
Afterwards, I called my boss, explained to her what happened and she called the Pastor Pen*s and Dr. Douchebag both idiots. That she knew them casually but was definitely not a friend and that she would have my back.
And that was that.
Oh and the thing that was written about the Doc online? It seemed as if he was bragging to the hospital staff about how he was a former Navy Seal, and said so again in the OR. Someone on staff contacted the Navy on line and asked if this was true (guess they got tired of his bragging), and the Navy replied that no one with his name was ever a Seal.
So he lied.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I just quickly skimmed through your stitch (I'm at work...shhhh) to see where the parents came into play. I'm glad that you took a stand against them and you and your W appear to be on the same page about it.
I have issues with H's parents. They're toxic as hell. My MIL offered to help H out of a financial hole that he got himself in. The catch? He had to leave me. And he wonders why I didn't want to spend the holidays with them that year.
I've spent several years angry at H, angry at them. Why didn't H stand up for me? Why? Because he couldn't stand up for himself. He avoided conflict and the relationship I have with his parents....is filled with conflict. Some of which H perpetuated. But I started to realize that while, yes, my H should've stood up for me, I'm a grown woman and if I was so offended, I should've said something myself and not relied on my H to white knight for me.
At some point, (and this may be an unpopular opinion) she may have to look at why she needs you to protect her from your parents. She needs to address the hurt that she has with them, and in turn, with you and really get into it. Because if it's not figured out -- it's going to fester.
Have you asked her point blank if there was anything that you could do to help her move forward with this? The reason I ask, my IC last year helped me have a conversation with my H about his parents. I asked him what he wanted/needed for me to do to have a relationship with his parents that he would be happy with. He told me. I listened. And then I told him what I needed from him to make that relationship happen. And it worked.
Just a thought.
Hang in there!
Hi Calibri.
My parents are a huge issue. They've never pressured me to leave my W, but they tend to be very meddlesome and controlling. I have no doubt we will spend some significant time on them in MC. My W is typically a very strong and confident woman, but she acts like a total victim when it comes to my parents.
Unfortunately I sounded a lot like your H. I was conflict-avoidant with them and I did fail to protect my W adequately. There were times when I did effectively defend her, but in her present state of mind, she only sees my failures. I didn't stand up for myself much either; they lost respect for me, so as the years went on it actually became harder to stand up to them effectively, even as I gradually lost the fear of doing so.
I tend to agree with Little on this one. It is MY job to defend her against my toxic parents. I'm ashamed of the way I handled them when I was younger. I'm happy to say that I've now put to rest any fear I have of dealing with them assertively. To be honest I no longer give a flip about our relationship with my parents. All I expect is civil now, and my parents are on notice that they need to treat my W with nothing but respect.
Tomorrow we'll be seeing them for the first time since BD. This will be an opportunity to demonstrate my ability to lead and protect. I will be on guard against any intrusions or disrespect from my parents, and I'll be closely montoring the time we spend with them. When it's time to leave there and go to W's family, it'll be my responsibility to get us out of there at the time we agreed. This was something she and I have already agreed on and our MC wholeheartedly concurred with how we were handling the holidays.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/26/1407:42 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Gladly! Sorry, I've been debating things on the MB site and it's been quite... amusing.
Well, let's see, children. For those who don't know my story, my W's OM was her boss. About 25 years her senior. Over time he would buy my W gifts like spa treatments, clothing, jewelry, etc. and I noticed the gifts getting more elaborate each time. I asked her if this was "normal" and of course she just said he was generous to everyone, that he was a good man, blah blah blah.
So anyway, after I found out about the EA, my W left, but continued to work for the OM. After about the 3rd year, I get a call from the Receptionist at my work place saying that a friend of my boss' was here and that my boss recommended he talk to be to discuss a project. My boss does that all the time so I didn't think anything of it.
I go to the front office and it's a guy who is a pastor of a large church here and, lo and behold, my W's boss is with him. I greet them and lead them into the conference room and the pastor introduces himself and as he's about to introduce (we'll call him Dr. Douchebag), I tell him, "I know who he is. He's the guy who cheated with my W."
The pastor then proceeds to tell me that he is there to get me fired because of things that were written on the internet about Dr. Douchebag. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I told him so and that he probably didn't know what his friend did. I tell him that my W has told me the truth about everything and that he should get his facts straight. The pastor (we'll call him Pastor Pen*s) then tells me that it doesn't matter what happened and that he's going to get me fired.
As I'm talking to Pastor Pen*s, the Dr. Douchebag isn't saying a word. Then when I mention my W told me everything, he spoke up and asked WHAT?! What did she tell you? So I told him that she told me everything about how she and he kissed and how they both said they had feelings for each other, etc. Meanwhile, Pastor Pen*s tries stopping me and says, it doesn't matter what happened, your W's just crazy.
At that point I stopped. I can't explain it but an overwhelming feeling of calm and strength came over me. Maybe it was God or a Guardian Angel, but something inside me told me that everything would be okay.
So I looked at Pastor Pen*s square in the eye and tell him to NEVER call my W crazy. That she was brave enough to tell me the truth and that his "buddy" is the liar and just covering his @$$. The Dr. then calls me a "coward" for not confronting him at work about it. And I said, "and what would that accomplish? My W would get fired and my family would be in turmoil. I said he was the coward for not keeping it in his pants (he cheated with others in the past) and to go back home to his W. Now keep in mind, he is also an Elder in their church.
I told them that while I loved my job, my family was more important and that they could try to get me fired if they wanted to. They were a little shocked because I called them out and they repeated that they were "serious". I then walked up, got the phone, picked up the receiver and said i would dial my boss' number for them if they wanted.
During this time, a large crowd had gathered outside the room because we have glass windows. One of my friends came in and told them that they knew what was going on and the Dr. and Pastor had to leave.
The Dr. asked how did they know what was going on, and I said, quite loudly to the crowd that EVERYONE knows who he is and what he did because I had nothing to hide. I told him that I told all my coworkers, my friends, people at bars, at the bus stop, etc. And then I told the crowd, "hey everyone, this is the guy who cheated with my wife!".
They were both embarrassed and told me to continue the conversation outside. I again looked them dead in the eye and told him, "no". That we were DONE and that he should enjoy retirement in his old age with his W and that he should pray to God for forgiveness. That he meant NOTHING to me and that I would always be the better man. Incidentally, I forgot to mention that during the conversation I asked the Pastor if Jesus would approve of him coming over and trying to destroy my family. He said Jesus has nothing to do with it. Nice.
By then they were flustered and I held out my hand to shake the Pastor's hand and with a wide grin I told him it was nice to meet him. He looked disgusted and walked out. I escorted them out and as we passed the Receptionist, I told her, "hey by the way, that's the guy I told you about who cheated with my wife."
Afterwards, I called my boss, explained to her what happened and she called the Pastor Pen*s and Dr. Douchebag both idiots. That she knew them casually but was definitely not a friend and that she would have my back.
And that was that.
Oh and the thing that was written about the Doc online? It seemed as if he was bragging to the hospital staff about how he was a former Navy Seal, and said so again in the OR. Someone on staff contacted the Navy on line and asked if this was true (guess they got tired of his bragging), and the Navy replied that no one with his name was ever a Seal.
When visualizing, feel the emotions, feel the scene, feel the OM's presence, and feel yourself being confident.