Really too late....

[zed]

He came in later and asked if I was feeling sick today? I can't have a lazy day?

Not really up to date on your situation or what you really mean by this. But I have a feeling my W would take this the same way. When really I was concerned about her. So is this mind reading a bit. I am getting that you thought he said it b/c he thought you were being lazy? But maybe he was just wondering if you were sick and maybe felt bad for you. I could be off base with this but this is how I take it. My wife always expected the worst of me. It was my duty to show her how I truly felt which I did not. But maybe you H means good, maybe not. Just another take on it.

Sorry for the rambles. I have a hard time trying to get out what I am really saying. One of the main reasons I'm in my situation. And something I am trying to work on

[lost18]

Thanks Zed. If I'm being honest looking back at the situation it did seem like he might have actually been concerned. Maybe because I drank a little more than usual the night before! Thanks for making me look at the interaction again from a new perspective.

So one thing I really need to start focusing on is work. It seems that money is a big factor for him (feels like I only want him for his $$?!?!) I really wish I knew what I wanted to do, not a great job market where I live. Not really looking forward to going back to work full time, this is a struggle for me but something I really need to work on, especially since I may end up single and only have myself to rely on in the future.

This afternoon I came home from running an errand, he was putting a new door handle on the garage door. It wasn't something that had to be done....guess he wanted something to do. Also bought a few other things for the house. Positives right? Then he was going through some bills he had to mail and handed one to me that had my name on it and says "this is yours." It was for a Dr. visit for D13, I gave it back to him and said as much. It was $8....lol!! Just a little ridiculous to me since the money all comes from the same pot.

[lost18]

I think it's time for me to really evaluate my life and wth I'm doing. I was able to find some posts when I was on here previously, unfortunately not when I first came on but even a couple of years after H came home the first time.

It was actually quite discouraging. Brought up a lot of memories of what had happened and some of it is similar to what is going on now. One big issue that is no longer an issue is S19 (S11 last time I posted). Our M has always had problems, and although I love my H, we have common goals, enjoy a lot of the same things and can have a great time together I'm just not sure that will be enough. We have to be willing to put the work in and right now he is not, honestly for most of our marriage he hasn't been. Not saying I was much better, but because it's my story I felt like I'm much more self-reflective than H. I feel like I tried some but gave up because he didn't. Or because I didn't think it was a big deal...

If I'm being honest, I have not made enough changes. Some absolutely, I do feel like the biggest one is my attitude. However, that fluctuates as well. There are things I would like to do but money is definitely an issue. I feel like it is something he is holding over my head right now (maybe not knowingly, but I think to a point he is).

I really wish DR was available electronically, I let my friend have mine a few months back and really need to reread it. MY problem is hiding it from H and the kids.

I'm tired and feel like I've rambled. I will say this, the time I was happiest with ME was when I was working out/running and doing races. I even did the Tough Mudder and the Ragnar Relay! For some reason that became an issue in our marriage and I allowed myself to feel guilty and eventually stopped.

Maybe I haven't made enough changes because I'm afraid it won't matter or I will eventually revert back to old ways (as before) because he won't do the work. I won't ever really know unless I make the full commitment.

I have lots of thinking to do....sigh

[lost18]

So after reading another one of 25's posts about all of her GAL activities I realized my excuses aren't going to cut it with me anymore. I found a couple of places in my area to volunteer (one I have been "thinking" about for awhile) and pulled up the paperwork. Also talked to a friend about doing a concealed carry course and taking archery lessons. Volunteering is free so no worry about the $$! Did not sign up for the photography course I wanted to do, there is another one in January...think I just need to do it! I've been wanting to that for a few years!

Today, H was doing something in the garage and I did not ask if he needed help like I have been. Instead, I jumped in the shower and got ready, decent clothes and make-up and walked out the door and said "see ya!" He asked where I was going and I said to run a few errands! Which was the truth, but then I went and sat on the beach reading for awhile! When I got home I noticed he had showered and changed, he asked if I had eaten, when I said I hadn't he asked if I wanted to go to lunch again. I did, I'm thinking maybe next time I should say no...but I like to so not sure about that!

I went off to my softball game and later got a text from him (very rare) telling me about the drama at the neighbors!

D13 has another tournament this weekend so we will be spending the whole day together again tomorrow!

I am going to try to take 25's other advice and asking why....very hard, but I guess when I start really GALing I won't worry about it as much!

[lost18]

So, I'm continuing to struggle. Still have not figured out how to detach or drop my expectations. Even when I'm out doing my own thing I'm wondering what he's doing. Grrr...

I'm just in such a weird place. There is this gynormous elephant in the room but we are not talking about it.

Had a decent weekend. Spent Sat at d13's tournament together and dinner afterwards. Sunday he didn't go but when we got home his friend from high school was over and he had cleaned the house, gone to the store and was cooking dinner.

Yesterday I was building shelves and he helped me some, showed me how to use some power tools I had never used. We have been getting along very well...except for that elephant.

Tonight we were supposed to go to a gathering for D13's team. He said he was going to go up until 30 minutes or so before we were leaving. I was upset and although I didn't say anything I'm sure it showed on my face. I was going over some things I could say if he asked me if I was upset (which he didn't) and I just kept coming up with "I've been doing things alone for 6 years so I'm used to it!" No resentment in that statement. So, I'm glad he didn't say anything! Honestly, even before the B this is not something he would have enjoyed. He doesn't know the people and doesn't really care to sit around and talk about the team thing.

I asked myself why I was so upset and came up with a few things. 1) I feel the more we do together the more he is coming back. 2) I'm worried about having to explain to others where H is. 3) I'm tired of doing it alone (although he has not told me he wants to stay married). Sigh, lots of work to do.

[Maybell]

That's good you came up with things. It sounds like you need to make detaching your priority. It's hard when you're together but if you can thought stop the wondering as much as possible that would help. You have a tough case there, lost, I'll think on it more and see if I come up with anything else.

[rd500]

Lost18. No words of wisdom but while your together there is always hope Your living together makes it very hard in one way but gives you the opportunity to work on the R / W. It's no help but please know there are plenty of us that feel your pain Stay strong

[lost18]

Considering where many people are on this forum I know I am lucky at this point to be where I am. It is however very easy to fall back into old habits as far as interactions. He of course has made no changes so the way he interacts with me is the same as it's always been (for the most part).

He was driving me a little crazy today. He's "bored" and is limited as to what he can do because of his back. He was watching tv and pacing around the house while I was making a grocery list and cleaning the kitchen. I asked if he wanted to go to the store and he replied "no, I don't want to do that." I didn't say anything negative to him but I was glad to get out of the house!

This is where the "same ole" interaction came in. Later in the afternoon I was out in the garage putting a second coat of stain on the picture ledges I made (yay me!) and he comes out and as usual starts telling me how to do it...this has always irritated me. I didn't say anything, just looked at him like "no $h!t." I have to try to figure out how to 180 these types of interactions. I guess the first thing I have to do is to not let myself get irritated! Maybe just smile and ask him to show me how to do it?!? IDK, it's obvious I knew what I was doing since it was the 2nd coat of stain.

He did kind of give me some compliments on them today, once said they looked good, then jokingly added for a girl. Later he said something else complimentary and then rolled his eyes. I asked (laughing) why he couldn't just give me a compliment, he said "I just did," to which I replied "and then rolled your eyes!" He laughed.

I guess this is what makes it so difficult and frustrating, everything seems so normal, and I want it to be...but again, that elephant!

Tomorrow we are having Thanksgiving at his sisters, as far as I know her and her husband are the only people he's told, and that was back in Feb and I don't think he's talked to them about it since! My goal, other than having a positive attitude, is to not say anything about him. I have in the past put him down in front of them, not purposely of course, and didn't even realize when I had done it except when he was mad at me and I finally figured out why.

Hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving, and remember to be thankful for what you do have despite of what your situation may be right now.

[lost18]

Venting....

Seriously don't know how much longer I can live like this. Some interactions make me wonder why I even want this M. H can be very controlling and condescending at times, although I don't think a)he means to b)he realizes it or c)he sees it that way.

I'm 44 years old and more than capable of taking care of myself (financially would be a struggle right now). Have I made mistakes? Absolutely, like everyone.

Yesterday when cooking our dishes to take to SIL for dinner there were a few times he started to "make suggestions." Fine, he laughed it off.

We had decided to leave at 1 and I had made a couple of phone calls to my family, still had to shower and make one more dish, he was a little scolding when he said "I guess we aren't going to make our departure time." I didn't realize what time it was but luckily D16 asked to help and we were out the door at about 1:05!

Couple of other things that happened: I was vacuuming and noticed that the vacuum had an awful smell. He said he had used it when he shampooed the (nasty) carpet in the spare room when it was wet and admitted he probably shouldn't have done that. No big deal, I stopped vacuuming and put the vacuum in the garage. Had the situation been reversed he would have more than likely put me down and made a bigger deal about it. (speculating maybe, but that is what history shows.)

Today he was looking for his keys, I said to look on the hook to which he replied very sternly "don't put the keys there, it's right above the garbage can." Which has a lid and I have been hanging my keys there for 7 years and have yet to have to dig through the garbage to retrieve them! It's really his tone that irritates me.

He is out looking for a trailer now, and possibly an old jeep to refurbish, which unlike the past I am encouraging.

He continues to avoid touching me, sleeps in the other room, keeps his phone with him all the time and when he does take it out of his pocket briefly places it face down.

Not sure what the point of this post was, other than to vent and journal. Time to get busy doing something!

[lost18]

Wow, what a difference a few hours can make. I went from do I even want this M to being upset (yes, clearly I need to detach) because it seems like his project does not involve me in his future.

He came home with a trailer, bigger than needed, possible too big to be towed by his Jeep. He is talking about putting cabinets in it, insulating it and putting a fold down bed in it so he can haul his Harley to bike rallies and sleep in the trailer. He was telling me what he was thinking and the size of the bed was big enough for one person. I'm aware I'm probably mind-reading but to me that says he doesn't intend for me (or anyone I guess) to go with him.

It has been my misfortune that my emotions show clearly on my face, we were walking back in the house and he asks me "if I'm pi$$ed." I simply answer "why would I be pi$$ed."

I'm so frustrated, with myself mostly, but of course with him. Frustrated that I allow things he is saying and doing to upset me and frustrated because I know there must be a better way to handle these interactions but can't figure out how.