3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Mighty good gosh what a whirlwind. I hope your surgery goes well- sending thoughts and prayers all around. I know you feel all over the place- but you really are handling it well. Hang in there!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
My friend, right now all you have to worry about is you. Hope the surgery went well and you are resting.
Leave the rest for a few days.
You are spinning, M. I get why you are. The thing is that as of right now, nothing has changed. You have no new real information, right?
Until he says he wants to come back and work on the marriage and then shows that with action, you dont need to do anything, except whether that is what you want.
YOu dont have to make any decisions today.
Please try not to worry about understanding her. She does not matter, Mighty. Who cares what she says? It holds no weight in your life.
Just focus on you and your kids and continue on your journey.
If reconciling is in the future, then you can begin to think about what you want in regard to that.
He still has a ton of stuff to work through. You want him to do it..either way this goes as he will always be in your life.
Hang in there, sweetie. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Rehashing all that happened and how and when will make your crazy.
Go ahead, though, and think about what you might need IF ex doesn't change his mind again (which he could) and IF the baby isn't his (or if you decide it's not a dealbreaker if it is).....what would YOU need from him before you would feel comfortable and safe with him?
I'm thinking something like he goes to individual counseling for a year, maybe after 3-6 mos of demonstrated good behavior you consider dating him, he doesn't move back into the house until you're SURE, he doesn't hint to the kids about his desire to reconcile (thus making you the bad guy if you decide you just can't trust him again) etc.
It SOUNDS like he might be heading to the right place for a reconciliation, BUT he could just be temporarily fighting with HWW and headed towards making up with her, or he could want to come home to you but not be willing to do the same kind of hard work and personal growth that you've gone through in the last year. Let him prove his sincerity by doing the work.
(and btw, there HAVE been people here who were willing to deal with taking their spouses back after they had a child with their affair partner - mostly I remember men who were willing to take their wives back and raise the child as their own. Me personally, I can't imagine having the constant reminder, and having to "share" my spouse while he co-parents with a former affair partner, but that's me - some people are better able to put that aside for the sake of their spouse and the child.
Mighty, hope the surgery went well and you are recovering quicker than expected
A lot to think about, but then again not. Don't get ahead of yourself. Great advice once again.
A little story for you. I know you're mind is having trouble focusing with all the emotions racing around. Take a deep breath and listen for a minute.
hww will not understand until it happens to her. Even then... She did what she did and your ex did what he did. For many, their mind will go into self-protection mode. It will rationalize everything as much as possible. Until... there is no more rationalization that can be had. The event will have run its course. hww hasn't arrived there yet and may never. Your ex? He may have. It's likely but not sure. As KML suggested, he needs help. He found one friend he could talk to. That's a good thing. He'll need more.
The story. I've been dating a lady for a while now. Her mom died a few years ago and it blew the family apart for a while. They were devastated. Her father had an affair with a family friend years ago. They reconciled a while later and the family worked it out. Except this lady. She has not forgiven her father. Fast forward to a year ago. The family found out her brother was having an affair for the last 3 years. The sil thought she was going nuts the past few years and was seeing a therapist. The father is a pillar in the community and teaches a lot of young people via sports. He was a cop for 30 years; recently retired. When sil found out, she lost it but not over the top. She was also relieved she wasn't going crazy. (I think many of us can relate). The kids? They absolutely lost their minds. All grown kids. One still won't talk to his father.
The sil and brother? It's slow because sil doesn't trust him. Because the kids don't trust him.
Because he has to earn that trust back. He's moving back in after a year of counseling and being ow free. After demonstrating that he wants to be trusted.
There's still a long way to go.
He's different. He is fighting to keep his family. That intent matters. She may not let him keep trying if he doesn't fight. She knows its her choice and she'll make it. She also won't accept less. But she also won't live in the past and use it to beat him down (as he feared.)
Be well, Mighty.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Shining, ft, Bright, GB, daring- thank you so much for your support and well wishes. It really means a lot to me. ft- I had many of those moments today. It was really nice, actually. I didn't have my phone or any distractions. I was alone a lot today at the hospital. It was very peaceful.
After I "woke up" I was so out of it and tired. I kept falling back asleep. They said I just needed to eat and drink then could go. I did, and fell asleep so hard. I hadn't slept in so long, and I needed anesthesia to finally get some good sleep. They closed the curtain and let me sleep for hours.
When I finally woke, they said I missed a really busy day. Many people had come and gone, while I slept through it all. They were really nice.
S17 was great taking me and picking me up. But of course, it was short-lived. Right after we got home, he started up. Then left. I was really disappointed bc at the hospital they told me that I needed an adult with me for the night, bc of the anesthesia. Normally I would have not really thought of it as a big deal, but my heart has been so clunky and weird lately, that I did heed what they were saying. I told s17 that I needed him home. But, he got upset and left. For hours. No good-bye or checking in. Nothing. So aggravating. So selfish.
Xh was not aware that my surgery was today. D13 is still home sick. She said xh came in today and was calling my name. She just said I left already (she said she didn't know if she should tell him about surgery- bless her heart, she is so protective of me.)
Weird having him next door.
Then I got a text before I went in for surgery from him asking something about s17. I wasn't sure but just said I had to go. About an hour and a half later he texted me saying that he hopes I have better days and get back on track at work because I am good at it.
I didn't see it until I woke up. Still groggy, I texted, "Thanks. Just coming off anesthesia."
xh: I'm sorry. Me: No worries
I think I need some of that stuff around the house.
After he got out of work, he parked at bil and came straight to my house. We talked about s17. He talked some about his sitch w hww, but also commented that he does not want to talk about it every time. Me either. But it was a good talk. He said he had blinders on.
While at the hospital today, during one of my quiet hours (I had about 3 quiet hours, alone, before surgery- no distractions at all. It was like a sacred place- all in my gown, in a hospital bed. Hey, take 'em where we can get 'em, right!) Kids had no access to me!!
It was a continuation of last night. I had a thought. It was one of those realizations, you know, where you "know" and "get it" but can't exactly feel it. You know, like some things here are at first, dropping the rope, no contact, yadda.. hard at first, then it clicks.
(Crap- I know, Dad! Short story long, I get it!!!)
Well, I was super ticked yesterday about hww and her not realizing why I just don't like her. Dummy. OK, so I realized that her x saw my xh, and he waved to my xh. (He texted me the first time and told me about it.) But I was also aware that he didn't give a crap about her. He saw her for who she was and moved on. They were together for 2 years. She thinks it's the same as my sitch with xh. They weren't even married. Whatever.
Then, the part about her saying I shouldn't be mad she got pregnant bc we were separated. Dummy. She was messing with him long before that, when we were very much together, she was texting him. And we were just barely separated then. Ok, no need to rehash further, because I get it- she does not get it. And the fact that xh get's it- totally and has apologized profusely and acknowledges how wrong it is, helps in moving past that. She doesn't she never will.
AJ, you called it. You said what I was thinking. Yes! She may never get it. I can let her blow away in the wind. It is not my burden to bury. She will probably spend the rest of her life living like this. I asked xh today if she was spoiled rotten. I said that she acts like a spoiled brat who is so self-absorbed that she just doesn't get it. He nodded like, YUP! She still runs to mommy and daddy to do everything, and they still spoil her. I asked him if her mom is the same way and does not get it. He said that her mom does not get it either. Its funny, bc her mom is the one who babysat d13's friend since she was born. D13 and her would get into arguments all the time bc the friend was always acting like a spoiled brat. Ha! I just realized that!
ENOUGH about her! We did not talk about her or that one more time during the night. I ordered a pizza and xh went an picked it up. The 3 of us ate together and watched ELF. Well... actually...
Here is something about d13. She is probably the most talkative person on earth...
besides me...
I was just telling my friend the other day that xh and I would laugh during car rides at how long she would go on and on (kind of like my posts). We would watch the clock and just let her go and see if she could beat her record.
For the past year, she wants to tell me 10 million things at like 11PM when I am trying to get to sleep and she SHOULD be! Other than that, she has her face in her iPhone.
Tonight, she wanted to watch the movie. She would not shut-up. She was so giddy and happy bc we were together. It was the old her. I though she had grown out of it- nope- it was a sign of her sadness about the sitch.
When she left the room, xh and I both acknowledged it. I said yeah, usually she's like this, and I put my phone in front of my face and sat silently. He looked sad when I said that.
Anyway, it was a nice night. When s17 came home, xh talked to him a couple of different times. He didn't join us. I told xh that I think with him next door, s17 is going to try to assert himself now. What he pulled today, I think, was for show for xh. For example, xh asked, what do you want to say? S17 said, "Why are you here?"
Xh and I agreed that it was going to be a long haul. But he wants to know right away and stay on top of things.
It was slightly awkward, but also comforting. He did say something like he thought that problems with me were big problems and were not things that could be fixed in our marriage. He said he now realized they weren't big problems at all. And that comparing me to what's out there, that he realizes what he had.
Wonka- thank you! Your post brought a giant smile to my face!
uR- you are so right. Thank you for continuing to remind me of this. I finally feel it and can let it go. Let HWW go! I may still have some issues to deal with down the line, but, I realize, she is a fool who will never understand. Poor her.
Ellie, thank you. I have not made any decisions about anything and don't intend to anytime soon. I am very comfortable with things the way they are right now. It's nice to be friends again. I missed that. I have a lot of work to do. He needs some serious alone time. He has lots to sort out. I don't want anything to get in the way of that- for everyone's sake.
I am happy for the kids. I hope it can remain on a friendly, cordial, coparenting level. It is obviously best for them. And despite s17's outer shell, it is what he wants.
AJ, thank you. And what a story! Thanks for sharing. I'd like to know how things are later down the line. I agree with not living in the past. I hate what has happened. I can't wait to keep it in the past. I think there is some working through that needs to be done. But that's just it- moving through and DONE! There are things that I've already moved past.
Round and round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows!
Not even her!!!!!
I'd prefer: moving along, moving, along, see what happens.
