Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times)

[mindsin]

Ok, so here is the latest:

Shortly after that e-mail, she called me and asked for my feedback. I basically told her that my stance has not changed -- that I do not want a D. I reiterated that D is a decision not to be taken lightly, and certainly not while emotions are still running high. I also stated that her decision to file is not only a decision on me, but a decision on our children, and I feel it's a decision that is not in their best interests. It is also a decision on our children that is being made without my consent, as a parent.

I then went on to say that her breakup is still fresh, and that it can take a couple of months to heal from the end of an A. Making a life-changing decision such as D is something that should be done when minds are calm.

I told her that I had a 6-month plan in mind. I proposed that she take a couple of months to reflect and heal. After that period, we will have another conversation. I said that if we are to D, then I want to spend the next 4 months to make sure every stone was left unturned in trying to see if our marriage can work going forward. I hinted that there are programs we can go through to help us in this process (Internally, I was referring to Retrouvaille). When I said that, she instantly retreated and said that no matter what happens after she heals, she still intends to file.

In the end, she agreed to put the D filing on hold until the healing period.

We ended the conversation there.

Later, she sent me a follow-up e-mail, thanking me for having the open and honest conversation. She also said that she wants to be upfront and that if at the end of February, she doesn't want to proceed with any programs to improve our marriage, then I need to respect that. Then we can sit down and discuss next steps on the D.

She obviously still has D on her mind, but I think through her words, she may have revealed that she is leaving the door at least slightly open at the possibility of trying to reconcile at the end of her healing period (end of February).

I just bought myself 2+ more months.

[25yearsmlc]

Well, I think you did about the best as you could under the circumstances.

To me, she sounds resolute. She sounds thoughtful. Not reactive. Seems as if her commitment to the marriage was a lot more shaken by your infidelities than either of you realized. The OM helped crystallize that within, and she is ready to begin her own journey.

OR so she believes, and so I might be wrong. I do think getting some time to cool things off was pretty darn smart of you. I concede right now that she may proceed on her journey and then turn your way...

So be ready for that. It's at least a strong possibility.
Now, stop taking the temperature of the R, b/c Nothing cools things more than taking the temperature of it often.

You should still be the dad you are, and upbeat, pleasant company to be around. You may still suggest Retrovaille, or some other weekend retreat.

You yourself might try Essential Experience, which is a workshop I believe I mentioned to you before. (Also known as "EE"--very profound.)

That's for individuals (but that always impacts us as parents in a family and as partners in a marriage) and I pray you go asap, b/c that will show her YOUR path and YOUR CHANGES will be the most visible they'll ever be...plus it's all about YOU when you go.

(After I went to EE, to my surprise my h also went to it, by himself, all because he saw such serious changes in ME. That led to us going together later on, helping new participants and it was VERY VERY bonding.) In any event, the growth and changes you have claimed to want to make, and in some cases which you have started to implement, MUST CONTINUE. Not just b/c she might look your way and if you have backslid, that'll confirm her worst fears about you and she'll stay gone for good. But b/c you say you want to become a better man, and I believe you.

I happen to think EE would greatly assist you in making those changes happen faster and be more lasting. Perhaps even more importantly, you'll be better off, more content, more at peace, regardless of her choice b/c EE will help you create more happiness in your own life. I'm 100% certain that Your next r, with her or not, will be much healthier.

Okay so, I do have a suggestion for you right now. An exercise of sorts...bear with me, please.

Please try this exercise for maybe 8 minutes or so, okay? Just 8 minutes....

Spend 2-3 minutes on imagining that your wife is GONE from your life. Sad, right? I know.

But imagine that for whatever reason she's gone, imagine that you have processed the loss of her enough to be at peace now.

Maybe she passed away. Or maybe she went to Austrailia and got lost in the outback, or committed some weird crime and has been sentenced to life. Maybe you simply and genuinely just do not care about her at all. (That one is hardest to believe, btw, so do what works for the exercise okay?)

Point is, IMAGINE she is not in your life anymore and that ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED so that Your grief and adjustment period, has also passed....

And you are not craving her company and you have accepted the loss of her in your life, whatever that takes or means, imagine that it has happened, so that

although she's gone, You are HAPPY in your new life....Yes, imagine you are doing alright now...


What specifically, are you doing in this new, happy life?

Did you move? Get a better/smaller/bigger home? Did you Switch jobs? Go back to school? Just taking some fun classes? Are you going to travel more?

Did you Take up a hobby? Like what? Did you decide to coach a team or JOIN anything?

Perhaps you are dating again, maybe you are in a meaningful relationship with someone with some promise.

(No, NOT "escorts", but an adult relationship...and if that is not in your dreams, then that's an issue to deal with in IC. Agreed?)

BACK TO THE EXERCISE.....Flesh out details of your new, happy life....really spell a few things out.

Breathe in this new content life. HOW do you feel in a life without your wife, but with you happy in it? Kind of weird, but freeing, perhaps?

...After 3-4 minutes of this^^^, postpone or separate the part about OWs from your plan for now, and

ask yourself which of the other^^ things you are doing in your new Happy life, you can do, now?

And now, Go create that.

Got it?

[mindsin]

Thanks. I will try that exercise when I'm alone tonight.

Since the last time I posted, she sent me another e-mail saying that she would like it if I moved out of the house. She wants to live in the house w/out my presence. She says I give her stress and anxiety.

I responded by saying that I will not move out of our family home. I said I will help her in any way to alleviate any stress or anxiety in our cohabiting environment, but that stops short of me moving out.

[Starsky309]

Good answer.

Not leaving the marital home (or the marital bed) is one of those near-100%-consensus things around here.

Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

Good answer.

Not leaving the marital home (or the marital bed) is one of those near-100%-consensus things around here.

Starsky

Agreed.

Is there some unusual ownership dimension we're missing? I mean, does HER family own this place?

(I only ask b/c there was another situation around here where someone had said early on, that the in-laws owned the family home, but it was forgotten - so the advice was a bit off.) Assuming not, I'd say your response was a darn good one.

Remember some of the things YOU said before (e.g., you "never loved" her, etc.) And it wasn't true. You were sort of "Trying on" an opinion. I mention this so that when you hear painful things-

Please realize 1) they may not be true, at all, AND OR

2) they may not be true for very long,

Nothing is written in stone. Stay the course. GOOD LUCK!

[mindsin]

25yearsmlc - I tried that exercise last night, and you know what? Much of what I imagined in my new happy life is going on in my present life. I have a new job. I've made new friends. I've improved relationships with current friends. I've become closer to my only brother. I'm pursuing music again (what I loved before I met my wife). In fact, I have my 1st rehearsal next week with a band that I just joined. I haven't played in a band in 20+ years.

Some of the things in my imaginary happy life that's not going on right now would include:

- Spending more time with friends.

- Traveling more, even if it's just weekend trips.

My parental responsibilities (especially with kids my age) make the above two things difficult.

The only thing that is missing, and where I feel incomplete, is the presence and love of another woman. It was difficult (near impossible) to imagine a happy life without someone by my side. It's as if that void is so large, that the true enjoyment and fulfillment of everything else in my life depends on that one void being filled. I hope that makes sense.

[mindsin]

Is there some unusual ownership dimension we're missing? I mean, does HER family own this place?

We own our own home.

Btw, is there anything I should do at this point to reinforce the negativity of divorce? For example, should I send articles to her regarding the effects on children, etc.?

I'm thinking that her love for her children is the key to this, and if she can "wake up" and see the damage that will be done, then further progress can be made.

[zew]

Btw, is there anything I should do at this point to reinforce the negativity of divorce? For example, should I send articles to her regarding the effects on children, etc.?

It would just come across as more controlling pressure.

She won't read them. If she does she won't believe them. She likely has friends who have told her "how resilient" kids are. Or, as my W figures, "what would I be showing the kids by staying in a bad M" - they think that D'ing and starting over is easier than addressing problems with self and with M. In fact, they may not even recognize that they have inner problems to address.

Now I have left a printed copy of MWD's article on "Forgiveness" and letting go of resentment, etc. on the corner of my desk in my office. Why? Because repeatedly, sentence after sentence, it describes my wife so accurately that if she read it, it might resonate, and in my mind, it is the single area most holding my W back from making any progress. So it sits there. If she snoops, she may read it; if she does, I'll know.

But asking her to read it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. Unfortunately, she may have to experience the negativity to see it.

-zew

[mindsin]

Another thing -- she's been wanting to spend more and more time with the children (without my presence). She says she and the kids have a great time, just the 3 of them.

That's what she says. Reality 'may' be different.

Is this her way of mentally preparing for life as a divorced mom, to prove to herself that everything will be OK? Should I encourage, discourage, or simply back off altogether? Some of these future plans involve taking the kids for days at a time. I don't feel comfortable with that. I don't want to be days without my children, if it's unnecessary.

[mindsin]

She wants to take the kids on vacation over a 4 day stretch at the end of the year. Originally, I had stated practicality reasons why taking two young children with her would not allow her to relax (which was her main goal). I also hinted to her that one of the reasons I didn't like the idea was that I did not want to spend New Year's by myself (and away from my family). That was likely a mistake.

In the end, I agreed with my W, in her request to take the kids on a mini vacation at the end of the month by herself. She was excited.

On another topic -- I left the door open to have further conversations on our current living situation, and how we can make improvements to reduce stress and anxiety around each other. She has not approached me with this conversation yet.

Also, yesterday we had a conversation over text regarding being open and honest with each other. I told her that one of the things that need to happen is that we need to be accountable for each other's whereabouts. She said she wanted to go away this weekend, but didn't tell me where or with whom. She responded by saying that I haven't been open with her in the past when I was out those nights (ballroom dance classes). I told her that things are different now. With the affair behind us, I feel like I can trust her again, and I want nothing but honesty between us. The conversation was interrupted and I said that perhaps we could pick it up later tonight when we're home. That didn't happen.