Unexpected walk-away-husband

[Card29]

I think you should always have some type of boundary for yourself and your children. I can't speak to your sitch or what your boundaries should be. I will give you two pieces of advice, though.

1. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. It's good that you are taking a hard look at yourself when you get any feedback from WAH, but if he's saying you're manipulative and you feel like you aren't at all, then that seems like a classic "do not believe that" moment from a WAS. Don't believe it. My WAW's thing I refused to believe is that she said she never loved me, ever (10 years). I know that is a complete lie, even if she believes it right now.

2. Save a copy of your most recent post to your phone or computer. It will possibly be deleted at any time due to the work on this board.

[Ahoy]

jpLove, I personally would follow Ito's advice, as it sounds like it's in line with DB principles. If you draw hard lines in the sand now, he's likely to stay away. Don't worry about what he thinks about you -- you have other, larger concerns at the moment. Take care of yourself, focus on yourself. Don't waste your energy on him. Smile, be friendly, take care of business, research what you might need to do to protect yourself (to give yourself a sense of safety). Give it time. It's been only a few months. Really practice those LRT, and GAL as much as you can. Embrace the gift of time. You don't have to solve anything right now. Let go of the urgency for clarity for the time being. You will know when you've had enough.
Sending positive thoughts your way.

[MrBond]

"jpLove, I personally would follow Ito's advice, as it sounds like it's in line with DB principles. "

They aren't.

DB teaches you to validate your spouse's right to their thoughts. This isn't the same as flat out agreeing that their perspective as being correct.

[jpLove]

MrBond, I suppose I wasn't specific enough. Dr Ito teaches that you can be agreeable without always agreeing. Ex: "having kids is horrible" "yeah, sometimes they can really be a handful" - I didn't agree that kids are horrible, but found something about the statement that I can agree with, and stated it. He says that this gives the impression that I'm not the competition, that we're on the same team.

[MrBond]

"MrBond, I suppose I wasn't specific enough. Dr Ito teaches that you can be agreeable without always agreeing. "

Still not the same.

Validation shows a true understanding of their POV by you that you believe in.

[NewLeaf]

Hi jpLove,
For what it's worth I worked with Jack too. I feel like while much of what Jack and I worked on was helpful and fits with the larger DB framework, DB seems like a more comprehensive approach, and I've seen bigger changes since I started focusing more on myself, my GAL, and my PMA. That was something he recommended too, but it seemed almost a secondary focus, (maybe that's how I took it, because at the time that's what I wanted) where here on the boards and in the books there is a much bigger focus on yourself.

Sorry you find yourself here and sending warm thoughts your way.

[jpLove]

Thanks everyone! I think I may see the smallest glimmer of hope. While he's still behaving the same overall...on Sunday when he dropped the kids off, I told him that I have an interview this week. He asked me where & then talked to me for a minute about the restaurant I'm interviewing at! That may seem tiny, but that is literally the first question that he has asked about me since this whole fiasco began...so I think it's huge! Then today as we were discussing finances, he made sure that I still had money to last me until payday...is that a bit of concern for my wellbeing I see peeking through the clouds?! I think it just might be...so here's to itty bitty tiny baby steps!!!

[jpLove]

Hey everyone! I've been gone for a while, but I'm back...hoping to hear some opinions. We're comig up on 5 months since my hubby walked out. I've done a very good job of getting a life and not focusing on him...and that's good for me bc he's showing no change at all. I've been told to not believe anything he says and only half of what he does...we have a very close mutual friend who thinks that my hubby has made a huge mistake that he will eventually regret and he keeps telling me things because he doesn't think I should maintain false hopes about hubby coming back. I've been told that he is snorting a variety of prescription drugs, not sleeping at night, getting really high speeding tickets, and as of lately, sleeping around for the sake of sleeping around. Like, getting his hook in a woman, sleeping with Her, and then dropping her bc she gets "too clingy." As far as I know, so far there are only two. But every time he goes to this mutual friend's house, he's talking about another woman. I'm disappointed, but not surprised at this point. Our friend (who is a man) thinks that his sleeping around means he's legitimately moving on. To me, what he's doing shows instability and unhappiness. It looks to me more like he's TRYING to move on, but not succeeding...if he was actually moving on, he wouldn't be looking in every nook and cranny for fulfillment, right?

Anyway, just curious about your interpretation of all of this. It seems to me, also, like if he was legitimately moving on, he wouldn't be keeping his actions in the dark...but who knows. What do you think?

[Little]

I don't think it matters. While he's still doing these risky behaviors, he needs no place in your life.

Focus on you -- not your H, what he's doing, or why. Make your life what you want.

[raliced]

Agreed^^^^^^^^^^

Have you gotten any legal advice? In addition to everything else - he is spending a lot of money on these dangerous activities.