I want to leave something in your mind for each time you open your mouth to "attack" the OM.
Each time you do that, it just makes W feel drawn more to the OM and defend him more. Attacking H, in her mind, isn't attractive at all. Be calm and cool like 007 with a stirred martini. To aid you, pretend that OM doesn't exist in your mind at all.
I looked past Ms. Wonka's OW and I never, never brought up her name. Still to this day, I still do not freakin' acknowledge the OW. She is like a fingernail to the chalkboard. That's how much I hate her!
I digress...
About the MC, do you feel that you and W are getting anything out of it considering that she's in an EA with OM?
I like the 007 reference. I've always been a James Bond fan.
We were having a halfway productive R talk last night; about our actual issues, not the OM. He got mentioned somehow. I noticed that she's been speaking in more detached, introspective tones about OM. She wonders what it means about herself that she's so attracted to a man that she knows is bad news. She no longer sounds like a teenager when she talks about him. When I saw that she doesn't seem as infatuated with him as she used to be, I succumbed to temptation and tried to go in for the kill. I kept things calm, I wasn't angry or strident, but I was pretty clear that I see him as a charming-looking man but ultimately a weak little boy. Still bad judgement on my part. I had managed to go almost an entire weekend without uttering his name.
We've only been to MC twice so far. We're scheduled through the end of this year with the therapist. Insurance covers it so I'm not too worried about the cost. I want to see what comes out of our sessions, maybe something will happen there that will encourage my W to resolve that issue. Ultimately she's going to have to do it herself anyway.
Ironically enough, OM JUST NOW texted her. I'm not going to interfere this time. His habit of texting her right before our MC sessions is really starting to piss me off.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/24/1402:26 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Ironically enough, OM JUST NOW texted her. I'm not going to interfere this time. His habit of texting her right before our MC sessions is really starting to piss me off.
In the safety of MC sessions, it is appropriate to bring up concerns about the OM and how you feel it is incredibly disrespectful to have a third party in the M. As a matter of fact, you're not willing to live in an open marriage. Your MC therapist needs to know this so s/he can work with this information. I hope this MC specializes in infidelity and is SBT (solution-based therapy) based on Gottman principles.
Thanks for posting on my thread! I meant to come check out your sitch earlier; been a busy couple of weeks. Wanted to comment on your thread; bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Take what you need, ignore the rest; just my thoughts:
Scanned & read through both of your threads; you are getting good advice from Starsky, Wonka, Cali and others!
The biggest issue here is her lack of respect and complete disrespect to you about the details of OM and her intent. What the vets are telling you is true; DO NOT tolerate anymore talk about the OM. She has put you into the "Friend Zone" and thinks it's OK to discuss this cr@p like you are one of her girlfriends or something! To make it worse, she is actually telling you she is considering a full PA...basically trying to force and open marriage sitch on you! Need to 180 on this asap and hold to it! Also, if I understand correctly, this guy travels a lot on business. Sounds like he could be pretty set financially; be careful of potential hypergamy motives.
Are you still GAl'ing? Going to the gym? Got involved in any hobbies or activities for YOU??
As someone stated earlier, she is feeding off the fact 2 men are "fighting" over her! She is getting validation, and the more she gets and continues to get, your sitch will not improve! Remove yourself from this. Get on with your GAL and move forward for you. Be polite and respectful; hit her with truth darts when warranted; otherwise, pull yourself back & detach from her! I agree as someone posted earlier; as long as she is involved with OM, she cannot have any relationship with you (sex, cuddling, affection, etc). You are Plan A only; you will not be Plan B!
Not sure your financial sitch or how you guys divide things (and not my business), however, some things to think about from the financial & support aspect:
I notice the texting stuff bothers you....my question is, who pays for that cell phone? If it is hers on her own plan, then fine. If it is you on a joint plan, why continue to allow this on your dime/account? Cut that phone line off! Even if you are under contract, you can still kill the line. Make sure you have the pw to the account and lock her out. She is then forced to pay for her own EA!
Once you have finally had enough of the BS:
What kind of support are you giving her? Is it basic support, just the necessities, or is she still privy to full access of a joint account? Can she still shop & "have fun" on your dime? Why fully support and give to someone beyond basics (shelter & food) if they give nothing in return. Secure your funds and provide basic support only. Don't pay her bills (CC, car insurance, etc...). In short, if she doesn't want to be a wife, then she doesn't deserve the amenities that comes with being a wife! This also allows you to stockpile monies in the event everything just goes south and the inevitable occurs. And I wouldn't keep it in an account anywhere that's traceable; cash it out and stash it somewhere safe!
Hang in there man; take care of yourself! Like I said at the beginning, just my thoughts and opinions; do what is best for YOU!
Az
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
Good to hear from you Az! I appreciate your input!
Originally Posted By: Azagtoth
The biggest issue here is her lack of respect and complete disrespect to you about the details of OM and her intent. What the vets are telling you is true; DO NOT tolerate anymore talk about the OM. She has put you into the "Friend Zone" and thinks it's OK to discuss this cr@p like you are one of her girlfriends or something! To make it worse, she is actually telling you she is considering a full PA...basically trying to force and open marriage sitch on you! Need to 180 on this asap and hold to it! Also, if I understand correctly, this guy travels a lot on business. Sounds like he could be pretty set financially; be careful of potential hypergamy motives.
Absolutely. The PA thing was panic-attack spewing earlier last week. I shut that down. I'm not overly worried at this point about a PA. If she does cross that line, then I'm done with her, and she knows that. The EA, bad as it is, has not yet progressed to anything I can't get past in the long run. And yes, based on his title, I'm sure he makes more than I do.
Quote:
Are you still GAl'ing? Going to the gym? Got involved in any hobbies or activities for YOU??
Yep, still GALing
The silver lining in this whole thing was that I lost 20 of the 35 pounds I wanted to lose anyway. The first 15 I lost before BD. I'm leveraging that to go to the gym and get ripped. I'm down to my weight when I graduated HS. If I come out of this with nothing else, I'll have a smokin' body :-)
I started in a new church that I really like. Ironically I visited for the first time the weekend before BD.
I'm looking for a new (better paying) job at a different company.
I have a side business as a flight instructor that I'm looking to expand a bit.
Spending more time with the kids.
Been reconnecting with some old friends that I haven't talked to in years
Quote:
As someone stated earlier, she is feeding off the fact 2 men are "fighting" over her! She is getting validation, and the more she gets and continues to get, your sitch will not improve! Remove yourself from this. Get on with your GAL and move forward for you. Be polite and respectful; hit her with truth darts when warranted; otherwise, pull yourself back & detach from her! I agree as someone posted earlier; as long as she is involved with OM, she cannot have any relationship with you (sex, cuddling, affection, etc). You are Plan A only; you will not be Plan B!
I've stopped initiating any physical affection, no ILY's, no nothing. I've just been a friendly roommate. That's been a tough one for me since we live in the same house and are on relatively friendly terms. But yes, I'm going to have to pull back more than I have. That and attacking the OM in front of her are my two biggest DB weaknesses that I'm having to work on.
Quote:
Not sure your financial sitch or how you guys divide things (and not my business), however, some things to think about from the financial & support aspect:
I notice the texting stuff bothers you....my question is, who pays for that cell phone? If it is hers on her own plan, then fine. If it is you on a joint plan, why continue to allow this on your dime/account? Cut that phone line off! Even if you are under contract, you can still kill the line. Make sure you have the pw to the account and lock her out. She is then forced to pay for her own EA!
Once you have finally had enough of the BS:
What kind of support are you giving her? Is it basic support, just the necessities, or is she still privy to full access of a joint account? Can she still shop & "have fun" on your dime? Why fully support and give to someone beyond basics (shelter & food) if they give nothing in return. Secure your funds and provide basic support only. Don't pay her bills (CC, car insurance, etc...). In short, if she doesn't want to be a wife, then she doesn't deserve the amenities that comes with being a wife! This also allows you to stockpile monies in the event everything just goes south and the inevitable occurs. And I wouldn't keep it in an account anywhere that's traceable; cash it out and stash it somewhere safe!
Hang in there man; take care of yourself! Like I said at the beginning, just my thoughts and opinions; do what is best for YOU!
Az
Thanks Az. I'm not quite to the point of worrying about the financial side. I'm seeing glimmers of sanity in her about the EA (recent development which I will detail in a post later this evening). I can't order her to go NC with him; she's going to have to do that in her own time and her own way. If there's not any progress in the next few weeks, I'll start tightening the screws in that area. I've already consulted an attorney, so I know where my legal and financial landmines are.
Thanks again Az!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Third MC session today. This one seemed to go well. We're finally starting to talk about our core issues. That didn't happen last week and W was really frustrated, even though we knew that the MC has to be systematic about our situation.
She did tell my W in no uncertain terms that she needed to end her R with OM. Obviously W didn't like that. The OM is providing her with emotional needs that I'm not meeting, and W is terrified to cut off that ray of sunshine. At the same time the therapist admonished me not to hassle W about it. She's going to have to take care of her mess with OM in her own way and in her own time. Me ordering her and giving ultimatums is not going to do any good. W is very clear on my boundaries.
We discussed the holidays a lot. That means spending time with my parents (whom she detests, and I'm no fan of), and it's causing a lot of stress. I'm taking the lead in setting and maintaining boundaries with my parents, including when we leave to head over to her family for TGiving part deux. The holidays are going to be one of my opportunities to prove that I can lead and protect her. To her credit, W did mention that she has noticed a lot of improvement in my assertiveness and leadership in the family.
We ended with an exercise where we each wrote down three things we need to have either more of or less of in our relationship. We then had to practice assertively asking for those things and actively listening. Interestingly enough, our three goals were almost identical.
Our homework for the week is to find something to laugh about with each other at least once a day. We found three things to laugh about before we even got home from MC. I'm keeping a log to take to next week's session.
W has been in an excellent mood today. She's almost been her old self. We had very brief discussion about OM, considering he texted her 10 minutes before we left for MC. She's angry with the OM. She's angry that he texts her these things that get her stirred up and then disappears for days at a time. She's angry at how he's screwing with her emotions. I managed not to join in the OM bashing. I'm still maintaining 180 and detachment as much as possible. No initiating affection, no ILY's, just strong, positive and independent.
I saw a bit of the sassy, defiant, strong woman I fell in love with. I know we have more rough days ahead, but this day was a win.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/25/1401:43 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She did tell my W in no uncertain terms that she needed to end her R with OM. Obviously W didn't like that. The OM is providing her with emotional needs that I'm not meeting, and W is terrified to cut off that ray of sunshine. At the same time the therapist admonished me not to hassle W about it. She's going to have to take care of her mess with OM in her own way and in her own time. Me ordering her and giving ultimatums is not going to do any good. W is very clear on my boundaries.
She's spot on with those main points we've been telling you here. The IC is a real keeper. I like her!
The biggest issue here is her lack of respect and complete disrespect to you about the details of OM and her intent. What the vets are telling you is true; DO NOT tolerate anymore talk about the OM. She has put you into the "Friend Zone" and thinks it's OK to discuss this cr@p like you are one of her girlfriends or something! To make it worse, she is actually telling you she is considering a full PA...basically trying to force and open marriage sitch on you! Need to 180 on this asap and hold to it! Also, if I understand correctly, this guy travels a lot on business. Sounds like he could be pretty set financially; be careful of potential hypergamy motives.
Are you still GAl'ing? Going to the ? Got involved in any hobbies or activities for YOU??
As someone stated earlier, she is feeding off the fact 2 men are "fighting" over her! She is getting validation, and the more she gets and continues to get, your sitch will not improve! Remove yourself from this. Get on with your GAL and move forward for you. Be polite and respectful; hit her with truth darts when warranted; otherwise, pull yourself back & detach from her! I agree as someone posted earlier; as long as she is involved with OM, she cannot have any relationship with you (sex, cuddling, affection, etc). You are Plan A only; you will not be Plan B!
Az
I had never heard the word "hypergamy" before so I did some research. Came across some interesting material, much of which dovetails nicely with the concepts behind the 180 rules. I thought as long as I had a ring on it, I was "safe" in my marriage, but I'm starting to realize how beta I've been. Thought provoking! Thanks Az!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
