Sounds like a good day, Wet. Nice to have those sometimes, no?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have been thinking about you having fear regarding your wife. I know I was there too. But you know what? You can survive that. If you are constantly on pins and needles, living in fear, then how is that living?
I felt as if I had no say. OK,I couldn't stop the divorce but I could control how I viewed it. I could take responsibility for my part but I never accepted that the affair was mine in any way. Shortly after the divorce, he filed for bankruptcy which dragged me into it as well. I felt as if I was taking a beating for a while there. I have come out the other side. All isn't perfect but it is mine to manage. I was scared during quite a bit of it but remember, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
I think you need to stop worrying about what your wife does or doesn't do but how you are taking control of your own situation. It sounds like you have some work to do on your relationships with your kids or at least with d17. Focus on this stuff and you will be amazed how different you will begin to feel about everything.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have been thinking about you having fear regarding your wife. I know I was there too. But you know what? You can survive that. If you are constantly on pins and needles, living in fear, then how is that living?
I felt as if I had no say. OK,I couldn't stop the divorce but I could control how I viewed it. I could take responsibility for my part but I never accepted that the affair was mine in any way. Shortly after the divorce, he filed for bankruptcy which dragged me into it as well. I felt as if I was taking a beating for a while there. I have come out the other side. All isn't perfect but it is mine to manage. I was scared during quite a bit of it but remember, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
I think you need to stop worrying about what your wife does or doesn't do but how you are taking control of your own situation. It sounds like you have some work to do on your relationships with your kids or at least with d17. Focus on this stuff and you will be amazed how different you will begin to feel about everything. kat
Thanks Kat. You're right. Yes, I'm feeling like I don't have a voice right now in dealing with W. It's hard though, with one day she is crying and insisting I agree to a divorce right now. Then the next day, she's acting like nothing happened, and asking for my help.
The harder part is that Christmas is coming. Our "thing" was that we would kiss each every time the Kay Jewelers commercial came on ("every kiss begins with Kay"). Do you know how many times I've seen that commercial today? Each one a little kick in the gut. And she is getting off Scott free, as she doesn't have tv service.
Thanks for your thoughts. You make me think, as much as it hurts sometimes.
I'm feeling like I don't have a voice right now in dealing with W. It's hard though, with one day she is crying and insisting I agree to a divorce right now. Then the next day, she's acting like nothing happened, and asking for my help.
You have more say than you know right now. Your W is spinning, it's true. But she most certainly is watching you, and taking notes. Allow her to see strength and confidence. And above all, steadiness... That whole lighthouse story.
What do you tell her when she insists on divorce?
What do you do when she reaches out to you for help?
Quote:
Our "thing" was that we would kiss each every time the Kay Jewelers commercial came on ("every kiss begins with Kay"). Do you know how many times I've seen that commercial today? Each one a little kick in the gut. And she is getting off Scott free, as she doesn't have tv service.
First of all, W is not "getting off scott free". She is buried deep in crisis, likely doing way worse than you!
I remember that cadet would often say that he would not want to be the one in crisis.
Since you're following The Plan, you are growing stronger every week/month. (I didn't say every day... 'cause I know some days will truly blow!)
The commercial "kiss" is something that one day you will be able to look back on fondly, no matter what happens with your marriage. Treasure it even now.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Try to not watch regular channels or the mushy ones like Hallmark or Lifetime. I watch lots of forensic and mystery shows. Nothing with love. kat
Hi Kat, really? You see me as someone who watches the Hallmark or Lifetime channels? No way, I watch anything with Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, or a zombie (Z Nation is my new favorite), or where the body count goes into double digits.
I'm joking with you. Yes, the regular channels have those dang Kay Jeweler commericals running all the time. Maybe I will spend more time playing music and reading a book.
I just had a nice surprise. D20 bought, brought home and set up a pre-lit Christmas tree. She also had ornaments, tinsel and a star for the top. She and her boyfriend set it up, and did an outstanding job. Our apartment really needed it.
I did help by choosing and playing Christmas music to set the tone.
It's very sweet to see how loving d20 is with her bf. And how proud they were of their first Christmas together.
Hi T^2, nice to see you checking in. Focus on my kids, I'm doing ok with this, at least with d20 and s13, but d17 is a tuff one. Unfortunately, she is so much like me - bookish, loves books and movies, and a strong faith. But right now, she prefers spending time at her mom's place. She won't open up to me, so it's hard to know what is going on in her brain, and why she doesn't want to spend more time with me.
T^2, you asked about my plans for the next 10 days? I have two Christmas parties I am invited to. The Divorce Care group is a total 180 for me, there will be 40 people there, most of whom I do not know. I have a nice friendship growing with a woman who is a regular in this group, but I know right now I am unavailable.
I am also going to have the kids play hookie, and go see some Christmas displays in the neighboring big city. We used to do this as a family every year, but skipped it last year. I want to do something a little different with my kids this year, but still close enough to make the kids remember our past times together during this time of year.
I think I am doing much better in my not thinking about my W. Today, I texted/asked W how our sick s13 was doing and she mentioned she may have to take him to the doctor. But then she threw in her response that she was having "someone come over" to fix her computer. This has always been my job, even recently, and it did cause a quick "trigger" of jealousy. But I quickly let it pass. I'm proud of myself for not dwelling on it today. It's her sandbox, and I already know she's dating other men, so this is nothing new. I am actually feeling good that there is someone else to deal with the computer problem.
but d17 is a tuff one. Unfortunately, she is so much like me - bookish, loves books and movies, and a strong faith.
In my sitch I've found that my middle one is Mom's "protector", and others have told me they have noticed that they have one child take on that role. Maybe she is doing that, since it sounds like it's pretty chaotic over at W's place?
Regardless, since she is so much like you, I bet you know pretty well what she needs.
What did you need when you were 17 from a parent? Especially the one you weren't as close to?
Can you plan any activities to touch on her interests, validate them in some way? Show you do "get" her some?
I bet you can...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
