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A Message from Michele
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Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511796
11/28/14 09:45 PM
11/28/14 09:45 PM
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Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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Jefe, I chose a limited exposure precisely because my intent was not to humiliate or embarrass her but to help her see what she was doing from an objective standpoint (the eyes of close friends and family). I told her parents the same thing, and they understood. They have remained in contact with me and are encouraging her to reconsider the divorce.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511824
11/28/14 11:21 PM
11/28/14 11:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 31
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intime Offline
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WMWB123...Sorry for your situation, I have been dealing with some of the same issues but with my H. Its been about three months since I discovered his affair with my good friend. I've desperately been trying to detach and it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do mostly because I love this man with my whole heart regardless of the pain he's caused over the last few months. Just recently I've noticed small periods of time when he and the the OW are not on my mind, and it's a small step in the right direction and such a nice mental break! One step at a time and I know for me I will forever have an ember of hope that maybe one day we could have a relationship again but for now we must try to focus on ourselves! We are worth more than being someone's second choice!


M:37 H: 38
Married 16/ T20
Son: 16
Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14
Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: intime] #2511825
11/28/14 11:27 PM
11/28/14 11:27 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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Hi intime,

Thanks for the kind words. I'm sorry about your sitch, too. It's really sad that our spouses chose to talk to other people about their marriage problems and seek comfort from them rather than their spouses that love them.

I have said something similar to my friends and family. Yes, this woman has caused me more pain than anyone else on the planet, but prior to the A, she also brought me more joy than anyone else ever has.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511862
11/29/14 03:46 AM
11/29/14 03:46 AM
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Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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WMB,

Let's continue with the alcohol example:

Originally Posted By: wmwb123
However, I would hope she would love me enough to help me with my alcohol addiction. The only other option for her would be divorce, and that certainly would be her right. Some people are able to break free from alcoholism with help, though. I hope she would try to get me help before calling it quits.


They get help because THEY want the help and are ready for it. Oftentimes, they need to hit rock bottom before they say, "I need help and I want it/I'm ready for it". From that point and on, they're on the recovery path in breaking the cycle. Perhaps the spouse has tried to help the alcoholic several times, but got brushed away , spurned or stonewalled in every conceivable way. As you can see by now, you cannot FORCE them to give up drinking because they DON'T WANT or AREN'T INTERESTED in getting help with their addiction.

It is the same way with WASes who have OM/OW. Affairs are as equally destructive as alcoholicsm or hard drugs. You cannot force them to stop seeing OW/OM. However, you can set a boundary of what you will or will not tolerate. Boundaries are for your own well-being. Oftentimes the affairs do burn out and the WASes do HIT rock bottom after they experience or see the destruction they leave in their wake.

Then what next? What will their memory be of you as the LBS? One who has acted with compassion, dignity, grace, and class based on unconditional love. I'd like to think that positive feelings/memories of you usually draws them back to you which is why we harp at those 180's and GAL constantly to detach yourselves from their destructive choices.

You are not responsible for their affairs. It is all on them.

You are not responsible for alcoholics. It is all on them.

You are not responsible for drug addicts. It is all on them.

You may not love their behaviors, but you still can love them from a distance.

Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Wonka] #2511863
11/29/14 04:00 AM
11/29/14 04:00 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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What about interventions?


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511875
11/29/14 06:25 AM
11/29/14 06:25 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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Dallas, TX
Interventions will sometimes work with addicts but usually NOT from spouses or people that close to the addict. They simply refuse to hear it from these people.

My wife has already had people "intervene" that were people she used to look up to and she has distanced herself from them as far and as fast as she could.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Jefe] #2511914
11/29/14 02:07 PM
11/29/14 02:07 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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That's what I mean, though. The addict has to be the one who decides ultimately, but loved ones can intervene and help them see the destructiveness of their behavior.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511923
11/29/14 02:53 PM
11/29/14 02:53 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
Here's the main difference:

With addicts the choice to use or not use is ultimately theirs. They can try and blame their addiction and substance abuse on others but the problem lies with-in the user.

Affairs...we are talking about affairs in the context of a marital or otherwise committed relationship. It this case both partners played a role in the demise of the relationship. This in no way excuses the behavior of the unfaithful party but it does mean when they point the finger the other direction there may be some truth in it.

What I am saying is and what I believe Wonka is alluding to is right now is not the time to focus on any part of her stuff but rather focus on yours. If you want to liken this to addiction recovery there is a saying we repeat often. We seek to reach people through attraction not by promotion.

You can intervene and try to get her to see the destructiveness of her behavior meanwhile all see may be able to see is the destructiveness of yours in her reality.

Love you man. Praying for you.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Jefe] #2511946
11/29/14 03:59 PM
11/29/14 03:59 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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I accept full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage, and I know what I have to do to fix my side of the street. However, the choice to enter into an adulterous relationship was 100% hers. I can't accept blame for that.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511947
11/29/14 04:01 PM
11/29/14 04:01 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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Jefe  Offline
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Posts: 1,102
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Nor should you.

Trust me, I understand completely.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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