Can I get her back??..

[sandi2]

Sorry to hijack slightly but I have a question for sandi (following up from some excellent advice)

Where do you see the line between being friendly and accommodating and being needy/weak?

Don't know how well I can explain it, but I'll make a stab at it. Being friendly is when you respond to another person in a kind, pleasant, courteous, and warm, approachable, manner. You can be friendly to the closest person in your life, or to a total stranger standing next to you. Showing friendliness to another human being should not imply you are in some type of committed relationship with that person.

Accommodating is like being hospitable, neighborly, offering an hand, obliging, doing a favor for someone, etc.

The most confident, respected, masculine, secure, leader of a nation can be friendly and accommodating. It is a very attractive quality in a man. However, once it slides over into a needy/weak position, he loses those wonderful qualities b/c he is seen in a very negative light. Friendly/accommodating is a positive action where he gives of himself to another (briefly or longer). It is independent of requiring or expecting anything in return. Needy/weak is just the opposite and is dependent on someone else, seeking, expecting and requiring of them for his own emotional needs/purposes. (Assuming you are referring to needy/weak in the emotional sense.) His neediness is him wanting the other person to give him whatever he feels he's lacking. It can seem as though he tries to "soak" up the other person to fill himself. That's why it feels draining to have a needy person wrapped around you sucking the breath out of you. It is weakness and it is a turn-off for women to see this emotional weakness in men. We want men who we feel we can depend upon to protect, provide, and care for us. We want them to be stronger than us, really. I think when a woman feels her H is weaker than and more needy than she is.....she loses respect for him. It is not in any way attractive for a man to be emotionally needy/weak. (Of course, I am not referring to any type of mental or physical problem, or even some type of emotional trauma a man might suffer. I am talking about an otherwise healthy and/or "normal" man.) That may not seem fair, but it's just how it has been since the beginning.

[jim0987]

Thanks Sandi that makes a lot of sense. Also puts into to focus the scale of the mountain to climb. Or more accurately the canyon to climb out of before I can take on the mountain.

[LoveMyW]

Time for an update..

Halloween went alright for me and the kids.. Plenty of trick or treating, and they loved the dress up!!.. Unfortunately W was quite ill with the flu and didn't tag along, but appreciated a quiet house for a couple of hours..

There hasn't been any real movement either way on the M/R front, but I suppose no backwards movement can be seen as a good thing!!.. GAL and 180's are still happening as much as I can undertake them, and the home business is taking off again, as well as my day job..

I've had a couple of "crabby" days about the whole situation, which is strange as I haven't had one for a while, but I feel as if the "anger" side of things might be starting to manifest itself, but I'm trying to work around it..

I've noticed detaching is becoming a little difficult over the last couple of weeks.. In my mind, I think it is because myself and W have a good relationship all things considered, and there seems to be a bit of care there from both sides.. I'm working on that though!!..

[LoveMyW]

Having another awesome weekend with the kids this W/E!!.. Lots of fishing, swimming and playing done today!!.. It's sure good GAL, and I love spending time with them!!.. They are currently out playing with the dog (he has been around their whole lives(, and to hear the laughing and barking is heartwarming to say the least!!..They have also found themselves a pet lizard (only a baby one) which made their day, along with the fish they caught!!)..

I've got to say, I'm beginning to find W a bit hard to read lately.. I found out today that she has started "socially" smoking after quitting them almost 3 years ago.. It is a bit of a shock to say the least.. I know this is none of my business, but could it be the stress of everything weighing on her and it may be her release??.. There has also been the alcohol usage as I mentioned previously as well, so the 2 together makes me think..

W rang to speak to the kids as she does when I have them, and I asked about the smoking.. She admitted that she was, and seemed a little embarrassed about it.. I didn't judge as I am a smoker myself, but I mentioned that myself along with a lot of other people were proud of her when she quit, and why backtrack on 3 years good work..

Anyway, another "hard to read" part was when we were having a light talk about nothing in particular and she said that she only rang to talk to the kids.. I said "Ok, well I'll let you go, and have a good night" (it seemed like the end of the chat to me).. She continued to want to talk, but it was in the sense of "Oh, I forgot what I was going to say" and then I'd jog her memory and the story would go on.. This happened 4-5 times..

It seemed like she was wanting me to stay on the phone, but told me moments before that she only rang to talk to the kids.. She seems pretty up and down in closeness too.. Mindreading here maybe, but some days it is almost like she is going to say "lets get back together", and then others it is pretty much "this is it".. I'm trying not to get dragged in to it, and I am getting better over time.. I'm also trying to not outwardly show any signs of the up/down getting to me, but after all these years she knows my looks and tone of my voice..

Is the indecision (for want of a better word) I am seeing/feeling from her usual in my sitch, or is it a sign that she is having second thoughts, or is it nothing??..

Can someone shed some helpful thoughts on this for me??.. Sandi, Bond, 25, Cadet??.. Anyone??..

[LoveMyW]

Hey all.. Well I've been staying off the boards for a while as hearing all the bad news stories of others has done my PMA no good, and I wanted to purely work on myself, and hopefully give some meaningful updates..

I have had a couple of backslides in my happenings with W, but overall there hasn't been much in the way of change either way..

Interaction with W has been at a good level, and we are still talking very friendly/civilly (sp?), and are still spending roughly the same amount of time around each other..

She has been spending a lot of time with a 17yo female work colleague (W is 31), and I am seeing that this person is coming across as a bit of a sponge, but W doesn't see this fully yet.. She has got herself in to a bit of a trap with this person as she helped her out when she was contemplating suicide, and now this person has taken her on as a best friend etc.. W's kind heart might be biting her!!..

Anyway, W seems to get close to the point of almost being affectionate/intimate with me, but then other times seems to drift right off to not being cold, but just not there.. Is this typical WAW up and downs??..

I know I'm not imagining the closeness at times as it sticks out.. A perfect example was that we both went out for a smoke at my place, and there are plenty of places to sit, but she decided to sit right next to me on the stairs I was sitting, and there was barely a hand width between us.. There was no reason to sit this close.. I almost felt like kissing her, but I didn't want to push my luck!!..

My backslides are mainly coming from when we have good times, I mention a couple of days later about us getting back together, but the answer is always a negative, and then I get in to asking why etc..

Persueing, I know, and I expect a bit of a slap around the ears for it!!.. I'm finding it damn hard not to when the timing almost seems right though.. I also take from this that my detachment may need a bit more work too, and the fact I have to remember it's a marathon..

A lot of this is probably typical WAW behaviour, but I don't know.. I wish it was easy to work them out!!.. I look at my situation and realise I have it better than a lot of others (no OM, get to see kids, friendliness/amicability etc), but the biggest thing that is missing is the thing that hurts the most!!.. She tells me she still respects, cares and trusts me, and thinks I am attractive so why does it have to be so hard for her to make the decision to have the R again??..

I'll probably cop a 2X4 for this too, but a couple of weeks ago I purchased new tyres for her car, and am doing a major service on it tomorrow.. The 2X4's can come, but let me explain a couple of reasons why this is good.. It proves I am a MAN, and we all know that women love men who can do this sh1t!!.. Secondly, it proves I care about the environment my kids travel in.. Another thing that women love!!..

In the back of my mind I know I should be saying "stuff you, you left you sort it", but my heart and front of my mind says "do what is right for your W and kids safety, and show her the man you are".. I don't want my kids driving in a car with crap tyres, and I don't want them stuck in the middle of bumfvck if the car stuffs up due to lack of maintenance.. Someone may tell me I'm wrong for doing this, but in the big picture, I see I am right for the right reasons..

What gets me is that my W is definitely with my time and effort, even after everything that has happened.. I want nothing more than my family to be back whole again..

[sandi2]

Instead of expecting a 2x4 from us, maybe you could evaluate your stitch and say what you continue to repeat that isn't working for you.

[LoveMyW]

Sandi, What is not working is jumping in too quick, and I realise this.. I have to remember that I have to be in it for the long haul.. I have to get my head around slowing down..

To me, it seems to be the only thing I keep mucking up on.. It is damn hard not to take action when I see things slowly getting better though, but I will try my hardest not to do it..