Ganb8te 2 - WAH - lost in translation

[LisaB]

Hi ganb8te,

Well I am certainly no expert but I do agree with you that sometimes these approaches can seem quite silly and like game playing. But some of these silly approaches do work.

In this case I think if you want to check in with your H over this shocking news I think it is ok. As long as you don't have some kind of ulterior motive or expectations. Just being kind is fine.

I've been reading up a bit on "going dark" and it is not being silent, it is treating your WAS as you would a neighbor. Offering help in emergencies and friendly small talk type conversation. Not getting into emotional conversations, not being a best friend. Just being polite.

I think this would qualify as polite and neighborly.

On the other hand, if it happened months ago and he didn't mention it when you saw him or communicated with him, is it weird to bring it up now?

Hugs to you and glad to hear this friend is doing ok.
Lisa

[gan]

Thanks, Lisa. Yeah, I'm confused by the timeline, too. Not sure if his wife wrote the wrong month in her email or if my H didn't know the last time we met up. It's possible; these friends live in the US and so we don't talk super frequently. My H and I did do the usual family catch up so I think it would have come up if he knew then. If he found out after we met up then it's highly likely he didn't tell me…he's not initiating contact.

[gan]

So, sent H a text (there was a mixup with the electricity bill - company sent me his bill at my address). He read it within minutes. No response. There didn't need to be of course but at one point in all of this he would have at least said thanks for letting him know. I feel like we are going backwards. I'm just not sure where to go from here.

In other news - are the any people who read dreams out there? In the last couple of weeks I've started having dreams that involve H. IN MY DREAM last night I attended some dinner party thinking it was a celebration after completing some big event. The guy who I had a crush on in middle school was there, as was my BFF at the time...who actually dated said guy. Part way into the dinner I learn that actually they were all part of a group and they were about to hit the clubs to pursue some gender-bending sex orgy thing. Then it comes out IN THE DREAM that H used to be a part of this group but he left it. There was some discussion around the fact that H is a pretty quiet, introverted guy but deep down he wants to jump in. Anyway, I elected not to join the group and woke up.

Back to the real world...now I'm not one to read into dreams but there are a few interesting things in there:
- My best friend from middle school is resurfacing in my head. She appeared in another dream where I learned about the OW. It was her! We were very competitive in school and by 8th grade we were enemies, partly because she got the guy when everyone knew I had the hots for him. By 12th grade she'd made the rounds with lots of guys. I on the other hand had been with no one, til I met my H in my 2nd year of university. Somehow this whole experience is bringing out feelings I had from middle/high school about not being good enough. Which is interesting because I don't actually feel that way now (or do I?)
- About my H being a quiet guy on the surface but deep down wanting to jump in: I can see lots of parallels with that in the real world. He said he wants more sex, more variety, more fun but did nothing to take us in that direction. I don't think he knew how. Instead he made me feel like I was the problem. Yes, I contributed to the situation and I didn't appreciate how big of an issue this was. But I know that I too was left wanting and ever so much wanted to work with H to address the issue...but he wouldn't.
- About me not joining in: so on Friday night I was walking home. I live in an area that has lots of gay bars and is frequented by tourists. Not infrequently I get stopped by a tourist and asked for directions but then because I'm walking home I end up walking with them and we get into a conversation (this is a 180 - putting myself out there a bit more socially). So on Friday night this lady asks me for directions to a bar, we get talking and she invites me to join her. I said no (I'd already had a few drinks after work) and went home. But then I got to thinking maybe I should have said yes (that is another of the 180s I am trying to work on - saying yes more). So maybe my dream is telling me that I should say yes to a gender-bending orgy when it is next on offer (just joking).

Thoughts? Anyone else out there having vivid dreams about their sitch?

[raliced]

Ganb8te,

I did have a period of very intense dreams, all of which involved my discovery of STBX's affair (in dream world) with wildy inappropriate partners (18 year old, wife of his best friend, etc). I interpreted this as workig through my both my feelings of both hetrayal and that I suddenly felt I didn't know who he was.

Your dream about your former frenemy being involved could have more to do with betrayal than competition, but who knows? I bet there's a website out there with commomn interpretations.

[LisaB]

HAHA Ganb8te the last part of your post really made me laugh out loud!

Well, I will say that I often have these sort of dreams when I am feeling emotional. I've been having them about WAH and I've had them before when I am in an argument with a friend or family member. As Raliced said I think they are a way to work out your feelings. The presence of these people in the dream probably signifies some unresolved feelings with all of them, and links them all in your dream.

Definitely next time just say yes. You never know what might happen. I often chuckle that some of the best times I've had are when I didn't want to go to the party/event/date/bar.

Hope you have nice calm dreams tonight!
Hugs, Lisa

[gan]

Thanks for sharing, raliced and Lisa. Maybe if I keep working through things in my sleep I'll make it to the finish line (where ever that is) in double time ;-)

Sadness has crept back in tonight. From time to time I feel profound regret that I hurt my H to the point that he wanted to leave the R. I know I did the best I could with the tools I had and at some point I will have to forgive myself for my for that. Tonight though, my heart is hurting and I question if I sqandered the opportunity I had with H.

[Ggrass]

Ganb8te

We are on the same continent, thus same time zone..

The whole teary thing, it's comes and goes. Seriously it's nearly a year, and whooospy I had a melt down.

[Little]

No joke, I had dreams about BF cheating before I found out in the real world, before BD. Every time he was getting someone else pregnant (which didn't happen for real, just a PA) and leaving me to go raise the kid with them; it was detailed to the point of him being staunchly unfeeling that he was destroying me by doing it, and he wasn't going to ever change his mind.

I even have a saved text of me telling him "I keep having these dreams you're getting other people knocked up, I don't get it!" and him commiserating and telling me he loved me.

Now he's at least sleeping with (if not more) a woman with a young kid when he claimed he wasn't interested in dealing with kids, at this point in his life.

Strange how crap occurs like that.

[gan]

Thanks, Ggrass and Little, for stopping by.

Ggrass - I had no idea you were from here! I wonder how many others out out there? Sorry to hear that it's been nearly a year for you. In some ways I find the teary times useful as it helps me know I'm not done here.

Little - those dreams are bizarro! Actually I think I did read a story here a while ago where the H did father a child with OW…but they STILL ended up reconciling. The human capacity for forgivenss is astounding sometimes.

[gan]

No substantive updates on my side. It's been a month and 5 days since I last saw H (actually I'm surprised to see that its been that long - felt shorter). I've sent 2 texts since then, with no reply. He goes home for his sister's wedding in a months time. Last time we met up I said maybe well see each other before then and he agreed. We'll see if he initiates but I'm not holding my breath. Not sure if I will either. It will be 6 months on Tuesday since he moved out.

My family - as supportive as they are - don't understand how my H and I could possibly reconcile if we aren't ever interacting. I'm often having to explain to them that H is clearly not ready to talk about it and so I'm not initiating…and then it turns into a bit of an argument and we drop it. Funnily enough though, my mum was telling me about a conversation with her friend - a WAW - the other day. I'm not sure if this WAW ever read DB but it was interesting to hear what she told my mum: that there is dignity in giving him space. If it is going to work out it will, but if not, a dignified divorce is better than the alternative. She also suggested that I join some groups and meet new people. So DB basically.

I still feel uncertain about whether "being dark" is the best approach in my sitch. I was always the one to drive things in our R so can't shake the feeling that I am missing an opportunity to turn things around by not giving H the occasional friendly insight. Trying to control things? Maybe. Or maybe I am just still trying to find what works. In many ways it suits H well that I'm not initiating contact as he doesn't have to confront the issues. But I know it's his sandbox so… If there are any vets out there who had prolonged periods of dark I'd appreciate it if you stopped by once in a while for a bit of reassurance. I seem to be dealing with a bit of a different kettle of fish to a lot of LBS here (no spew, no crazy texts, no anger [I'm not angry], no contact).

Meanwhile, I have to get on with the day. Going to Diner en Blanc with some new girl friends tonight. It's an outdoors dinner in a public space - location yet to be revealed! Last year it was at Bondi beach. We have to wear all white and since my closet is sans white I had to treat myself to a new summer dress and funky shoes. Need to sort out the hair situation, though.

Happy weekend everyone. Get out and GAL.