Mozza -- I can't imagine wishing my H a happy birthday while he's off with some other woman. That's because I don't actually wish him a "happy" birthday, so I would feel dishonest saying it. Maybe my H will be disappointed and think poorly of me for not acknowledging his birthday, but guess what? I think poorly of him for cheating and lying and leaving and destroying my family. So I think we can call it even somewhat. I don't think that giving my H attention and Xmas gifts and tokens of love are appropriate while he's off with someone else. I know these things would make no difference in his decision-making. Nothing that I say or do will really make a difference. It's entirely up to him. The same is true of your W. If she is upset with you, so be it -- she's just trying to make you feel bad (deflecting her guilt) when SHE'S the one seeing someone else. That is messed up, friend.
Last edited by Ahoy; 11/23/1405:34 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
She replied and said it was a very kind message and gave me the most extensive update of her plans for the day. I call that a success!
Ahoy: I'm not happy about OM but I do what works, not what I feel like. Eyes on the prize. And my goal right now if to be a positive presence in my W's life.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
What kind of contact should my friends and family have with my WAW?
When she left, she reached out to my parents, my best friend and my cousin saying that she'd like to stay in touch. A few weeks later, she expressed dismay and anger that none one had contacted her since the S (well, duh). Since then, my best friend has suggested that perhaps if he and a few others were more in touch with her, she might feel less rejected, more welcome back the day that she'd consider reconciling. She wouldn't be scared that she's a pariah in my circles.
What do you think? Friends and family stay shut or reach out to her every now and then?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
If their reason to reach out to her is to help your relationship with her, they really shouldn't interfere. (I wouldn't put it in those words in telling them.). Otherwise, whatever friendship/relationship they have with her should be their own choice or business, shouldn't it? In other words, you should not be telling them what they need to do. Let them make their own decisions and leave you out of it.
If I were in her shoes, I would only want them to be my friends if they liked me for myself.......not to help me, and not based on who I was married to.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Supportive Happy birthday. I hope you're having a good day and a good year, really. I'm happy to see you take steps to be happier in your life. That's what I wish for you and hope to be able to contribute.
I was like..."wha...wha...WHAT?!" You essentially gave her your approval to seek happiness through OM. That was a blockhead comment. That was the message you sent out. IT is all right there. There's a way to send out a positive message without falling over yourself over it.
Remember...short and simple?
She replied and said it was a very kind message and gave me the most extensive update of her plans for the day. I call that a success!
She was being polite and extended some courtesy to you. Really. I wish you had left out this line: I'm happy to see you take steps to be happier in your life. That was a doozy to me. If you left this line out, then your HBD message would have been perfect.
Do you now see why I am shaking my head over that particular line, Mozza?
No. What I was saying is that you pretty much gave W your "tacit" approval to pursue her "own happiness"---take out the translator: OM. You both know about the OM. It seemed to me that you just gave in on the OM and told her to seek her own happiness.
Your message and how you word it DOES MAKE a difference! The use of words and language has a powerful impact. Pay attention to how you put words together.
Thanks for the clarification. That's exactly what I said and I'm very happy with my message.
I told my W that her happiness is my priority and, yes, she needs to know that it is more important to me than her being unhappy with me. That I will never suggest to her that she should come back with me if it means being unhappy. That I don't stand in the way of her happiness. And I don't know about my "approval" of her OM : it's done and I accept it -- who's asking for my approval? Did I have an approval right I didn't know about?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
