Devastated Husband; Need Advice

[TFWNOGF]

Stay strong brother.

I can relate. Right off the bat it seems like my WAW had already moved on. She hardly initiated contact (once maybe twice a month). Goes out all the time, and is living life as if nothing is even out of the ordinary. Meanwhile I can hardly even function. Who knows? I think WAW's are hurting as well and are dealing with it in a different manner. I don't have much advice besides hanging in there.

I do suggest venting on here first as opposed to your significant other though. Sometimes it can put things into perspective before you put your foot in your mouth with her.

[Calibri]

I think it's natural to want to save a WAS in some aspects, depending on the stitch.

I'm having a hard time keeping myself from wanting to fix or save my WAH. He's in the middle of a depression and I just want to swoop in and fix things. But he has to figure it out for himself. Just like your wife is going to have to figure things out. If she doesn't want to be in the relationship, she has to figure out how to be on her own two feet.

I would encourage you to have a discussion about finances sooner rather than later. It's better to have it, imo, while you both are getting along, rather than when things are nasty.

[TLEE86]

First, just noticed I'm off moderation so SCORE! Night's looking better already.

@TFWNOGF- Thanks for the feedback, can't help but notice our ages and timelines are almost identical so I'll be reading up on your sitch in a second. I definitely agree, and thats why I spend so much time here, that I vent here or get advice here first before saying anything to my W. I'm sure our WAW's are hurting in their own way, but that's something that we will rarely see- my W has "got emotional" on me twice in 2 months.

@Calibri- You're absolutely right. Just like your H, my W has to figure this out herself, but its hard to stand by and do nothing when it seems like the answer is so clear cut. Then again, I'm the "fix it" type of guy…which obviously hasn't worked too well in my M.

At what point do you try a different technique in terms of communicating with your W/H? My W has gone from…
1st month of S- Minimal texting (she initiates)
2 weeks ago- Calls everyday twice a day and texts during the week (she initiates)
1 week ago- Calls once a day, some texting in the day (she initiates)
This week-No calls, Minimal texting. She says she's working at a different location this week and is stressed and says she's sorry this hasn't been a good week.

Until this point, I usually let her initiate and have backed off almost completely. It seemed to be working but now it..died down again.

Option 1: Should I continue just backing off and letting her initiate, even if she doesn't say anything for a few days? Not sure if this is just going to make her lose interest

Option 2: I initiate a text here and there even if she doesn't say much- My DB Coach told me that its not a bad idea to initiate a friendly text every other day or so that just lets my W know that I'm thinking about her, but i don't require a response from her. This suggestion was also during the week that my W was all about communicating…

I realize that for some people here, a few days without saying much to their WAS is NOTHING, but obviously every situation is different. My WAW seems to enjoy friendly communication and at one point was telling me to increase how much I talk to her. But now that she's backed off, should I back off as well? I always was confused on how much contact should I have with my WAW...

[TLEE86]

So this whole separation thing is really tapping into my patience reserves that I didn't even know I had…but I suppose that's a growing point in and of itself since I am an extremely impatient person…

This is really just to vent. She texts me this morning about random crap as usual, nothing important and then just continues to choose not to say anything the rest of the day. She's done this before, where she "one-texts" me, looking for me to say something, and I'll reply and then she just goes silent. It is extreeeemeelllyy irritating..Kinda like well why do you even bother saying anything if you aren't going to reply back to your own question? I suppose its one of her moods…and just gotta roll with it.

Well, time for a run.

[KGirl]

T-

I'm not going to call myself an expert, but I've read enough threads where I think I can say that you have to be careful about sandi's rules and understand that they don't necessarily apply to every situation. In your example, your W left after basically having no interaction with you for 90 days and feeling ignored. She's also outright comemented about you not initiating contact with her. I fear that trying to follow the rules about not pursuing/no contact may not be the right strategy for YOU personally to follow because that is just "more of the same" - the 180 would be to show her attention and that you care, get in touch with her for no particular reason, some of the things you mentioned you used to do but stop doing (little gifts, etc.). Again, not an expert so I hope sandi or someone else will come correct me if I'm way off base, but sometimes the "rules" don't exactly apply.

[TLEE86]

KG, thanks for the reply. I definitely agree with what you are saying about the NC in my situation. I know Sandi's rules are not hard fast truths, just guidelines. I follow them for the most part, situation dependent.

I am just at the point where my WAW is just..all over the place and I don't know what to do. As I've pointed out, some days she is all about communicating and blatantly asks why I havent texted her. Other days, she doesn't respond when I do reach out to her. I feel like its a lose-lose because I have no idea what her mood is so I don't know if I should continue to let her reach out to me or try and initiate contact?

[TLEE86]

This whole week has been rough. Barely any contact from W. She calls me yesterday and says sorry this hasn't been a good week, training for her job at a new location and she's stressed because her day goes from 530am-6pm. I validated her, said don't worry about it and that I understand she's stressed. What I really wanted to say to her was…"NOW YOU GET IT? TRY WORKING FROM 5am-9pm EVERYDAY and coming in on weekends. NOW YOU SEE WHY I WAS SO IRRITABLE ALL THE TIME?" But I resisted the urge, always has been a fault of mine to compare her life to mine. In all honesty, I can see that it is still a very long day for her.

Probably going to have to delete or stop going on FB…W says she's busy at work all day this week and can't text much, yet she goes on FB on her phone all the time and talks to OM….wonderful.

Other than that, tried to GAL this week or some version of it, spent $1000 on myself and bought a crap ton of new clothes, new hunting rifle, and new surround sound system for the TV. You know you're sad when you spend that much money on yourself and you really just think the whole time, "man, the W and I could have had so much fun with this money…" yea…

This whole experience, if you want to call it that, has really made me see things from the W's perspective. How being gone all the time, not knowing when I would come home keeps her awake. How she tells me that ambien, nyquil and some combination of other sleep meds never kept her asleep and she constantly woke up at 2am just in tears because I was gone. It has really made me see the faults that I had as a H and really what is a priority in my life. Now that my career is rolling full-steam ahead, I find that i am still just completely crushed and just mope…nothing in this world is more important than my W and I could give 2 sh*ts about my career if it meant getting her home. Breaks my heart when my W told me before she left "Do you really think I cared if you finished Airborne School? Ranger School? Do you really think I cared if you didn't make as much money as you do? NO BECAUSE I LOVE YOU FOR YOU, NOT YOUR CAREER. I would have stayed by you no matter what if you just showed me you loved me"

To be honest, in a way i am thankful i am going through this experience- you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that. I never would have understood the importance of looking at yourself before blaming someone else, how much your spouse needs their own life and how important it is to not be co-dependent on each other for happiness. I can without a doubt say that I have become a much better person, much more understanding and PATIENT person for having gone through all this.

I only wish that I could actually have the opportunity to show my W these changes…so much I want to say to her, so much I want to share with her…all these new hobbies, GAL, W has no idea about because we always talk about her and she rarely asks what i did.

Something I have been trying to figure out how to change in myself is…not to be so emotional…my W has always said that she is the guy in the M because I am always the one getting angry, crying, throwing retarded fits. She says because I am always the one that is sad, it leaves no room for her to be sad and she never has the ability to let her guard down because then both of us would just be in tears.

I do understand that, I really do. Sometimes I need to just kick myself in the face and Ranger the eff up. But what I want to say to her is…i have to be a certain way at work, the rock, the calm, rationale, kick you in your teeth if you screw up person because..what soldier will follow a leader who is emotional and ultra sensitive? So when I get home…I'm tired of being that way. I want to let my guard down and just be normal to my W. And most importantly, there is no one on earth that can ever humble me enough and just break me like my W because I care about her that much. So when she's upset or angry at me, i get super sad because…my W is mad or angry at me…I guess thats why right now, it is even more important for me to show her that I am not sad or just an emotional wreck right now, even though I am…because if i show that, its just "more of the same" and she will never show me her emotional side because like when we were living together, if I show that side, she shows her "tough side."

guess I just answered my own question.

[KGirl]

One idea is to keep that social media connection open, because that could show her your changes without having to directly contact her. Post pictures of your new hobbies, changes, etc. If you don't want to see what SHE'S doing, you can unfollow her so her updates don't show up in your feed, but still be her friend so that she in theory would see your updates. You just have to be strong enough to not click on her actual profile to see her posts if you don't want to see what's happening there.

What about your first M? What happened there? What did you learn from that? Were you a WAH?

[TLEE86]

KGirl, I have thought about that, and just posting stuff on FB because its an easy way for her to see things like you said. Part of me feels thats…slightly desperate since I rarely ever go on FB anymore and idk if she'll view it that way?

First M…really a M that wasn't supposed to happen. It just seemed like the "next step" when I really wasn't even wanting or ready for it. I wasn't a WAH, ex-wife filed for D when I was never home and always somewhere training. Hmm seems to be a common theme. It never would have lasted, and my biggest regret is that we let ourselves get married when I wasn't ready for it.

Interesting question though, looking back I actually see one big mistake that I carried over into my 2nd M. I still had a temper and was very controlling in the sense of, everything always had to be MY WAY. To be honest, I remembered that when I got M the second time, and even told my W I had a temper. But I actually attributed that to…"I never cared about my 1st W that much, and when I found the right girl, I'd treat her like a Princess and my temper/control issue wouldn't be a problem." Pretty backwards way of thinking, but it actually worked for the first couple years. I didn't have any of those issues with my current W because she does mean a lot more to me. But I guess when things get rough, you slip into your old habits again. Which is why I am glad I am going to IC to fix this issue.

[TLEE86]

Well, busy but stressful week coming up. Movers will be here tomorrow thru Wednesday to pack up the house- moving to Texas this week, thanks Army. I'm on the fence about it as far as whether I am excited or not. There's quite a bit of stuff I want to keep/start doing in Texas, whether its hunting or riding horses so that's gonna be nice.

But I know its going to be emotionally taxing on me. Moving into the house that the W and I picked out together. We actually were not supposed to even get it, I got a call out of the blue 3 weeks ago saying that its available if I want it so I took the offer. Packing up the house here is difficult, too many memories so its probably a good thing to be leaving it. Kinda strange to be moving and making the drive by myself. We've moved 5 times in 6 years, and this is the first one I'll be making alone so I'll get some quality time with my dogs. Quite honestly I don't even know if my W knows I'm leaving in 3 days since she never cares to talk about anything but herself.

Still debating on whether or not to begin changing techniques on communicating with the W. Seems like she is losing interest as her calls/texts are getting less and less frequent this month. Things dropped off just as quickly as they picked up so I don't know. I've rarely been the one to initiate things so I'm not sure if she's waiting on me since she's always the one reaching out? Or I contemplate on selectively replying back to her, if at all. Your thoughts?

On another note I've made the decision to stop financially supporting my W if she doesn't move out of OM's apartment-she's been there 2 months. Initially she said she would leave after she gets 2 paychecks from her job, and she's just gotten her 2nd check. We haven't had this conversation since the 1st week she was gone but by continuing to support her financially I am only enabling her cake-eating.

Now that she has reached her own goal of getting 2 paychecks, it's about that time to revisit that finances issue. I have been exceptionally patient, like everyone else here, but this is "my boundary." There is no reason to continue supporting her financially when she now has a job, and can move out.

Here's my issue. My W does not make enough $ to cover everything on her own if she tried to get her own place without my help. She can't cover her phone, insurance, car payment, rent, utilities etc etc. So what am I supposed to do?

On the one hand, if I continue helping her financially and she just continues to live at OM's apartment, I am literally enabling their relationship (she still denies it, they're "just friends").

On the other hand, if I cut her off financially, she is almost forced to stay at OM's apartment because she doesn't have the $ to move out.

Only thing I can come up with is that I'll continue helping her financially if and only if she moves out? It's an ultimatum, which I'd have to somehow word very carefully, but what other choice do i have?

My other problem with this is that it is very difficult to get promoted in the field my W is currently working, and will more than likely take 3-5 years before she starts making any kind of good money. How long am I and should I support her if she knows that she's not going to make enough $ to support herself but is still working this job?

I used to push her to go back to school and finish her degree so that she can start her own career but she's always been wishy washy on that. Now that we're separated, she thinks that she needs a job in order to support herself, which she's right, but she doesn't make enough $ because she's not working a "career-type" job so I'm still supporting her. Your thoughts? I'm completely lost on this.