Devastated Husband; Need Advice

[TLEE86]

Hi, new to this forum and am in need of some advice, so here goes.

My wife separated from me almost 2 months ago and thinks divorce is inevitable. She is currently living with a guy friend until she “gets on her feet.”

My wife and I met in MAR ‘11 and married in MAR ‘12. I am in the Army and we were both in failing marriages when we first met each other. I understand we didn’t meet under the greatest circumstances, but sometimes you just cant help how you meet. Our first year of marriage, I was in Afghanistan and we didn’t have too many issues.

I came home from Afghanistan in OCT ’12 and shortly after, things started going south. Bottom line, I became too focused on work- my schedule would be from roughly 530am-830pm literally every night (not by choice). I brought my work problems home with me and my wife suffered for it. My wife did not work or go to school, and did not have many friends so everyday she would wait for me to come home. I know this is unhealthy.

I would come home stressed and would rarely spend time with her. All the little things I used to do to win her over stopped. I would get angry, break things, throw a fit, and basically acted like a child and made her feel insignificant because when I got mad, everything in the house became MINE MINE MINE because I was the bread winner in the house. Nevertheless our marriage survived this year.

I left for Ranger School in JUN ‘14 and was gone for 90days and had little to no communication with my wife (not by choice, school is designed this way). While I was gone, once again, my wife did not have a job, school, or friends to talk to, so she was cooped up in the house for 90days with nothing to do and not knowing when I would come home.

The day I graduated this school, my wife told me she was leaving me. She said “I love you but I’m not in love with you, that she is tired of supporting someone who treats her like crap, and that she needs to go out and find herself again.” She says she is so tired of feeling alone and that love isn’t enough to keep her here. She left 2 weeks later.

We text everyday, and for the past week (work week, not weekends) she calls me every morning on her way to work just to talk- this is new, she didn’t do this until recently. She’s said she misses talking to me, that she wants me to text her more.

I am doing 180 and it seems to be working to an extent. Issue I have is with the internal struggle of...my wife is living with another guy for another 1½ months until she goes to an internship in mid-January at which point she will be leaving his place. She insists that he is “just a friend,” but for obvious reasons I have doubts.

What advice do you guys have for me in this situation and is this even possible to try and save this marriage? I am seeing a therapist, continuing to work out and basically living my life but its pretty empty without my wife. How do I even “compete” with someone that sees her every single day, when she only calls me during the work week? We live in 2 separate states now because of an Army move, so it is extremely difficult to even try and see her…

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[TLEE86]

Question for you all…

I feel like I am a doormat for my WAW…She calls when she wants (usually every morning on her way to work), texts when she wants, and responds to my texts when she wants to…meanwhile she carries on an EA with OM- still won't admit to it, and I have stopped asking about it.

I know that I should "back off" and not pursue her, and I haven't. I rarely, if ever, initiate texts or phone calls with her and it seems to be working to an extent.

But I feel like I am always there for my wife when she wants me to be. She knows I always have my phone on me, required for work, so its pretty easy to answer her back. I know I should always be friendly when she talks to me and I am, but how do I stop this…one way street thing where she is always 100% in control of when we talk and how long we talk, either over phone or text.

When she says something to me and I respond and she doesn't answer me until the next day, it gets pretty frustrating. Or I will completely not say anything to her all day, and she just says "Thanks for talking to me while I was at work today!" And I have no idea what to say back, IF ANYTHING? But how do i do this without being cold or angry?

[Rick1963]

Welcome to the board and sorry u find yourself here. First read DB and Sandis 37 rules. DB is about changing yourself and hopefully as you makes those changes sometimes a M can be saved. Stop being so available to her. Hard thing to do since you werent available due to work. Put the anger aside. Thats what got me here.

Dont answer text or calls right away. The more you persue her the more she will run away. Post often so you come out of moderation. It is important that you do things to get a life GAL. Do things you always wanted to do, look happy, if you speak to her sounds as if you are on top of the world.

[sandi2]

To help get more information, I need to ask questions. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, make that your priority. You said you were doing 180's. Can you explain more?

Have you done anything to work on your issues with anger? How could she feel anything would be different if she returned? She is not going to want to go back into what she left.

Did you divorce your previous W in order to M this one? Was she M to someone when you met?

There is hope, but you really have to work on yourself. Don't get focused about competing with OM. That is a mistake many men make. It is not about "winning" your W back from OM. It is about chainging yourself and the issues that resulted in a separation.

[TLEE86]

@Rick. Thanks for your insight. I have put the anger aside- I call a few close friends when I get angry so she never ever sees that side of me. All she sees when we talk on the phone/text is the "happy" side. As you are more than aware, it is gut-wrenchingly difficult but it seems to be working. Depending on the day I usually try and wait 30minutes or so before I respond to her. I guess it just gets frustrating when we are texting back and forth or talking for 30-45minutes and then all of a sudden she just stops replying for like 6hours and its like ….and... ball is back in her court somehow..not sure what to do in these situations to beat her to the punch in saying goodbye first, especially over text?

@Sandi. Thank you as well, I've been following quite a few of your responses and I definitely think you offer quite a bit as a previous WAW. I have not read DR, I am almost done with DB and will switch to DR when done unless you think DR is better? 180s I've been doing really follow the general DB rules. I never initiate text/call her first, don't say I Love You, always act happy (insanely difficult), always try and empathize with whatever she's doing, and in the meantime am continuing to workout everyday, hanging out with friends, picked up hunting as a new hobby, and am trying to GAL.

I've been going to a therapist for the anger issues, seems like it is working and have identified ways to…calm down when really pissed off. Also talking to one of the DB coaches here. Also something small, but learning to not get irritated (or at least show her) when she just decides she's had enough of talking/texting for the night and just chooses to either not reply or reply 6hours later. As my coach put it, show her that I'm more "Easy-going" now instead of angry and controlling. My issue with that is, like I asked Rick, how do i beat her to the punch and not be a doormat to her when I have no idea how quickly if at all she'll respond to me? She always initiates the conversation whether phone/text and has been doing that for the past 2 months. There hasn't been a day where she doesn't initiate and say something to me. But I feel like every time she stops responding, the ball is back in her court and she controls everything. Is there anyway to turn this back into a 2-way street instead of a 1-way?

I did not divorce my previous W to marry this one, we were already getting a divorce and it just so happens that i met my W at the same time. She was in the exact same boat, already getting a divorce, just so happened to meet me.

I hear what you are saying about not focusing on the OM, although it obviously is extremely hard to not let my thoughts wander…My question to you is, most of the people here at least live in the same city/state as their H/W so they can make excuses to see each other, kids, work, etc. I'm in a different state than my W. What advice do you have as far as showing changes to her via calling/texting that I can't do in person? She won't be able to see the progress of working out, always looking my best, "all smiles", etc because I never get the chance to see her. She was here 3weeks ago for a few days to get some stuff and we went out and had a lot of fun..she made it a point to say that she really enjoyed her time and that it was really nice to be able to laugh with each other again. Shortly after that, is when all these phone calls started. I feel like seeing each other is where people "make there money" and can show their H/W changes they made. How do I do that when we don't live in the same state?

I am not sure of your situation but are you back together with your previous H after being a WAW? If so, is there anything in particular that he did/did not do that really turned it around for you? Thanks.

[TLEE86]

Hey guys, one more quick question for you all. I know like most people, I am impatient and want things to be happening now. I guess how much contact with my W is "normal" if there is such a thing in these circumstances?

I read a lot of peoples posts and it seems like most communicate through email/text and every so often talk on the phone? I know every situation is different but my W calls me on her way to work most days and then we'll text during the day, but obviously sometimes its a lot more, and sometimes its a lot less.

I know I should be, and I am, grateful that we talk as much as we do, but it seems like we get along fine? We don't argue at all, and are usually just light and friendly when we talk on the phone/text. I think its still too early now but at what point do I start initiating phone calls? Or…how do you know when to progress…to the next stage, whatever that may be. Again, I know I am being impatient, I am just trying to get a grasp on "what next" once we've been talking and communicating for awhile (not yet).

[TLEE86]

Well here's another day and my thoughts are wandering so I'll just let them out and not bottle it up…going off my last post, I wonder if there is a thing of "too much contact." We've been separated for 2 months now, and she has texted me every single day, usually multiple times a day about nothing, just superficial, friendly stuff. Since she started working 2 weeks ago, she will usually call me on her way to work and we just talk about anything, nothing serious. This was completely out of the blue, no idea why she started doing this.

But then what this is doing is setting a pattern, and I am starting to have expectations which I know I shouldn't…I am starting to EXPECT her to text me everyday and am starting to EXPECT her to call me on her way to work…but when she doesn't call, like last Friday and today, I start to wonder…ok WHY is she not calling me today, why havent I heard from her, what did i do, is she losing interest…etc etc..days like Friday and today bring me back to reality..that she still isn't my "W"

When she texts often, or calls on her way to work, it feels like I have my W back. I used to call her almost everyday when I drove to work. So this is nothing unusual for us, only she's the one calling now. But when she doesn't, reality sets in and I realize that we are still far from reconciling…she is still in the…whatever i want to do I will do mindset so if she just doesn't feel like talking today, I can't help that and I cant or will not be the one to initiate. Because we talk as much as we do, I wonder if she hasnt even had time to miss me? Or if I should be happy that we're communicating well?

A little more background on me and my W…like most LBHs I had no idea anything was wrong. Quite frankly, I thought things were ok. I knew it was a little rough with work and stuff for a while but for the past 6-7months, I thought things were going ok. Probably because I got what I wanted so I had no idea. But my W and I were seriously talking about having kids before I left this time for 3 months, and all her posts on Facebook and what not were all 100% positive. We didn't fight, didn't argue, didn't really have too many of those negatives since almost the beginning of the year! Then I left, and her world came crashing down. I was only gone for 3 months. I've been gone for 1 year before, but this time was different…this time I wasn't allowed to call her all we had was snail mail…and I come home and…BD. She told me the other day that she felt like I had died, that someone you are so used to seeing, or at least talk to every day, was just ripped out of your life for 90days (i was only supposed to be gone for 60, got extended). She told me when she first left, she has so much resentment towards me and my work because she was never allowed to have her own life. This confuses me. Yes, the Army is hard and my W has had to make more sacrifices than the average W (I've been gone more than I've been home in our 5 years). BUT, my W CHOSE not to stay at her jobs, she CHOSE not to seriously commit to going back to school. She dabbled in some jobs and took a few classes, but never made the actual effort to CONTINUE doing those things?

Quite honestly I feel like I have done well, at least in the past 3-4 weeks. I am not initiating any calls/texts, am seeing a counselor for my anger issues, reading DB, done some SERIOUS reflecting on myself and what i did wrong in our marriage, and am still working out and taking care of the house and dogs. Nothing wrong with work either.

I feel like my W on the other hand, is still living in "fantasy land" where she thinks she has it made. Actually, whats worse is, my W thinks she is struggling when in reality she isn't. She doesn't pay for anything except her own food and is currently still living with that "guy friend" until mid JAN. IMO, she hasn't had time to "reflect" on anything or do any soul-searching because she has this distraction that she is living with…I know I can't change this or tell her she needs to do this or that…but its just on my mind.

For now…list of what I did wrong in the marriage…at least just the past year. Before this, I didn't allow myself to show these things but over time, as the stresses built for me, I didn't handle it properly. I just don't know how to show this when I'm not living with her

1. Too critical- I am a perfectionist and when things weren't done the way I wanted it done, I let her know it
2. Picked EVERY battle- Going off of the previous comment, I am used to having things done MY way at work and when its not, I fix it immediately. I learned now, i have to PICK AND CHOOSE my battles, not fight everyone of them.
3. Didn't communicate well with my W- I complained when things were rough at work (working 5am-9pm every night does the trick), but never told my W what actually bothered me, I just bitched about it. I never told her that it has NOTHING to do with her and what I feel for her
4. Didn't solve problems with my W- She wanted time and space during fights and I wanted to fix it and fix it now. So we'd fight until we both got tired, slept/had sex, and the fight was over. Small things built up over time
5. Didn't look at MYSELF for why things were off, only looked at her- DB taught me this one..should have asked MYSELF what I am doing/not doing for my W to be sad or not wanting to have sex as much versus asking what SHE is doing wrong
6. Stopped doing the small things- I used to bring my W home flowers, starbucks, random crap when I got home from work. When my stresses started piling up, I stopped doing these things because I was tired and wanted to go home, not drive 15minutes to get her something…i wish i took that extra time now…
7. Spent more time together OUTSIDE- we had date night every Friday. But it was always just going to dinner. For some couples, that works. For me and my W, being 28/24, we needed to go OUT, hiking, camping, fishing, ANYTHING…this is how we met, doing this stuff, not sitting around at a restaurant.
8. I make an effort to tell my W throughout the day how wonderful she is, not just in the morning/at night- My W understood that I work late involuntarily. But all I had to do was just say "hey thinking about you" or "hey i love you" during the day to let her know she's on my mind. Some couples barely say I love you more than once a week, and I said it 2-3 times a day minimum. BUT, I understand now that MY W needs that a lot more…
9. I communicate to my W and ask for 30minutes to unwind when I get home- I just need to shower and just BREATHE after 16hour work days EVERYDAY. My W, being a stay-at home wife, would just bum-rush the door and be like HEY YOUR HOME!!!!!!! and I'm like OMG IM TIRED…sounds funny but its not…
10. My W needs an interest outside of me- she does not NEED to work, I bring home enough $, but for her own sanity she needs to do SOMETHING, work/school/hobby so that she has a life outside of me..and when I come home she has something to talk about going on in HER life, not just…me saying I hate work and I am tired
11. Supporting my W in her decisions and pushing her (to an extent) to finish school or go to work- Everyone needs some sort of self-worth. Because my W didn't work and was not actively trying to finish her Bachelors, she always felt..inferior when we would go out with friends because they all had degrees and they were "educated." I didn't know that she felt this strongly about it until recently but thats where I failed again. I don't care if she has a degree, I didn't marry her for that…but if that's how she felt, I should have told her over and over that I married her because of HER and not "what she brings to the table." This has always been a point of contention because my W never thought she brought anything to the M…and I always got confused WHY? I don't care if she didn't bring home money, didn't have a bachelors/masters, etc etc…I married her because she's gorgeous and I fell in love with her personality..who cares how much money she brought in? But again, I failed to continuously communicate this to her when she felt bad about it, and I will say that she failed to communicate it to me (or at least I didn't think so)

Sorry this has been a rant and rave…but I think it helps. If you guys actually take the time to read this, you're all awesome. I'd love the feedback

[TLEE86]

Does anyone else here get the urge to try and rescue or "save" their WAS? Pretty ironic considering all us LBHs obviously did our part to wreck our on Ms…Just had to ask my W to pay her part of our credit card bill…She didn't fight me about it or anything but made a comment about her probably not going to use our credit card anymore because its hard for her to pay it all at once vs just using her debit card…thing is, i know how much she has in her checking acct and she owes more on our credit card than she has in her checking…so…she is going to have to pull from her savings to pay off the credit card.

Its just weird how she thinks she is "struggling" right now, when in reality she's still drinking from our financial faucet. But I won't and can't let her fall on her face because she'll resent me for the rest of our life. More importantly, because as her H who still loves her more than anything, I won't let her fall. All I want to do is jump in and say "Hey babe, don't worry about this, I know you are struggling with finances, I got this." But I know that she will never learn if I do that…she'll just keep spending how she is spending. Its just difficult to stand by and do nothing and watch someone you love "suck" with money troubles, even though she caused them herself.

It also just kinda…ruins the conversation or the mood for the day…who wants to talk about budgeting or money for fun when you're going through this crap already?

I am not going to bail her out, i know she needs to learn and needs to figure this out on her own… She was fine with money whenever I was gone, but a lot of that was because she had me in the back of her head saying do this or don't do that. Personally, I know I need to loosen the financial purse strings a little, but right now, all i want to do is help her and its hard not to.

Its one of those days…and this forum is the best place to vent/get advice. Although I feel like i am going to be destroyed for even thinking of saving my WAW in this situation

[TLEE86]

Still looking for some feedback but to go along one of my last posts, I think my WAW might be losing interest, or is at least seeming to detach more herself (probably mind reading right now). 3 weeks ago, she randomly started calling me out of the blue, twice a day before and after work, and would text me all day. 2 weeks ago, she would call just once and would still text, though less. This week, i barely hear from her at all- she says she's sorry she hasn't been calling that she's just busy/stressed from work…

Either way, just sounds like she's losing interest. I feel like my W and I are at the point where we can talk to each other just fine. We never argue, don't bring up the M and are really friendly. But this is the time where i think most people would see if they could see each other on the weekend or just meet for lunch, and begin initiating that face to face contact. Because we don't live in the same state, we can't do that. Seems like everything is just kinda…stagnant and not really progressing at this point. Any advice on what to do?

Ive been reading a lot of peoples threads and something Sandi2 said kinda hit home…that the WAW needs to experience a personal loss before she will regret the A/OM. Right now it seems like I am enabling her cake-eating, she gets emotional, maybe physical, from OM, and she gets emotional/financial from me. Not really sure how to proceed at this point. I don't know if its smart to avoid her calls/texts (i usually wait at least 30min before responding), because we get along fine so why avoid it? We're basically pretty good friends at this point, but the M isn't going anywhere. Thoughts? Thanks!