Busting this Divorce - Separating

[Zues126]

Your mood changes day by day. Multiple times.
Her mood changes day by day. Multiple times.
The sooner you stop worrying about the moods she is in, or the mood you are in. The sooner you stop letting changes in her mood create changes in your mood. Then, the sooner you will be able to be the man you want to be.

I'm all about reflecting, growing, and becoming more the person you want to be. So I'm not saying being aware of how what you're doing impacts you W altogether is wrong. The idea is to 'do what works'. But that should be a recurring reflection, not an ongoing fixation. Go with be flow and relax. That's why my thread is called 'enjoying the ride'...

[NH115]

I know why... because I believe he is solid in his confidence. I've seen his profile on line... I know who he is. He is successful in his mind and so he is internally happy. One of his first emails to W was his resume. It is impressive. He has a high visibility job. He sent W a recording of a (confidential) financial conference he did to impress her. He knows to show her his belief in his ability and how that shows up in the world. He likely likes himself and believes in what he does. While my resume is impressive and my work affects millions and enables millions for the company I work for, I have not believed in my work. I am not impressed or excited by the results of my work. I do not believe in or am engaged with in the company I work for. Before now, I would work all day lazily in my bathrobe. W said a couple weeks ago, when I was a consultant with my own business (when she met me), I was energetic, interesting, and impactful. She's all about impactful. OM is a Who's Who board member type. A social person. And he's older. W likes men who can be father figure like. She used to call me Daddy when we really ML (I never liked that btw). That's where I must to get back to... for my own mental health. Just being impactful in my thoughts, attitude, appearance, and life. It starts by me making choices to be happy.

This sounds like my sitch as well. My wife's OM radiates positivity, he's more successful in his career than I am, he's confident. My W found that incredibly attractive in him and not coincidentally found me very lacking in those qualities. Now I KNOW that I'm a better man because I wouldn't run around on my W the way he is, but that inconvenient truth isn't impressive to W.

Work on yourself, not to outshine the OM, but to outshine yourself. She'll either notice and sign back on with you or she won't.

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

Unfortunately woke up at 3am. Now I can't go back to sleep.

I hear W moving around downstairs. I am resisting the urge to go down and talk with her. I feel like just holding her and convincing her and telling her it will all be alright right now. I know I can't. I really want to.

This back and forth up and down is very painful. I'm trying hard to not show her that I'm in pain. Keeping busy and GAL helps... but then I get moments like now when I'm so shaky and hopeless and I feel like giving up. That and I really still don't want to GAL. I'm forcing myself to GAL.

Funny, I felt so strong yesterday morning. Even hopeful after our talk the other day. Now...

And she's downstairs right now awake too. What is she thinking? Trying to be empathic now. I can't imagine. Wondering how she got here. She says that often... "how did we get here?" She says she would be miserable if she left our M. She does seem to give all these opening where I can jump in and just say "this is what we're going to do." She even keeps asking me... "This is so hard... what are we going to do?" I've learned that this is her talking... a rhetorical question. She just wants to be heard not fixed. But still...

I'm like everyone here... looking at anything she says that I can use as leverage. Like 25 was saying... I want to jump on those things she says that give us hope and encourage them. When she says something she doesn't want to do, like hurt me or hurt her son... I want to say "Then don't." She's so miserable. She can just let me help her.

My W has talked before about being saved and protected. I want to save her... to give her a reason to make a choice she won't regret. Should I just ask her... what do you need to see to stay and fix our M. I've already asked her in some ways. She just says "I won't get into that." I should just know and do it. Fix our financial issues. Ask for her help with that. Move us to a cheaper place. Show her that things are getting better.

We're both so tired.

She said yesterday, when I pulled back, "This is a far cry from where we were yesterday (after we talked)." She seemed so much to like that we connected. Does she really expect me to keep doing that while her heart is in an A? I know her main desire is an emotional connection. That is what she gets in her A. And she gets mad when I don't connect... but is open to when I do.

Today then I'm doing more pull back while being careful not to appear angry or sad or holier than thou. I'm going to focus my mind and good things like my son and building my business what I like about her.

She just seems to want my cooperation and support so bad. Shows she's hurt when she thinks I'm not speaking with her. But, she's in an A and she won't stop! What is she expecting? For me to be like our separated neighbor that she keeps bringing up? Nice guy smiling sadly who just seems to be agreeable that is family fell apart and his W moved out?

Sounds like I'm fighting reality. I understand that's were pain comes from. I really hate this.

Going to try to sleep now. Will just go to the kitchen first. Maybe see if she's awake.

[Vanilla]

HP
It's called cake eating I believe. Or keeping options open.

Go back to DR reread as advised.

There is a real difference between you and W. You are standing for your M and to keep your family together. You are changing, true oscillating around the mean curve but that will settle.

HP truly know that strength comes from inside you, from channeling with an open heart the love that you gather. It does not come from wealth, a great job, good car, large bank account, swanky clothes or an online profile. This is transititory, any OM or OW who needs a partner who is M is trying to boost their own ego. They want the ego boost. They reduce their insecurity and they are not personally powerful at all. They are like the wizard in the Wizard of Oz, weak and lacking.
Tell me: who is more powerful an OM like that or a H who has boundaries and knows his own mind?
No need to answer this, you KNOW.
go GAL instead of soothing W. Let her turmoil and come to her own decisions. She will anyway.
Enjoy today
Vanilla

[LisaB]

Like Wonka and Starsky suggested, I am putting away all the love language work and focusing on pulling back from W. It just occurred to me that I'm now acting somewhat like she has acted towards me... not meeting my needs, being polite at best (though I will always be polite), ending conversations, hanging up the phone, not initiating conversations, not comforting, not reassuring, not being available, not reaching out. Honestly, I'm afraid of pushing her right out the door with this. She reacted so strongly to just a few minutes of my pull back. Usually I would have pursued and smoothed it over to keep her close... to keep filling her love tank which I was enjoying.

HP, this struck a huge chord with me!

I read something on my thread or someone else's thread or in a book a while ago. Something like "If you look back before BD, things were not so great. Maybe you were even thinking of leaving. But then once the bomb dropped, you were desperate to make things work."

I don't know about you, but in some ways this was true for me.

One of the things you have been asking is whether you pulling away will upset her so that she pulls away as well. I don't know. But if you look at what happens around most BD, when the WAS drops the bomb that they are unhappy and leaving, the other suddenly wants them to stay more than anything else in the world.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when she pulled away, you desperately clung. When you pull away, probably it won't push her away - she will likely cling.

Maybe I'm wrong but this seems to be a typical pattern with some of us.

I think the key part (that I have been struggling with) is what to do when you pull away and she clings. Do you keep pulling away? Do you react in a calm and validating manner but not come closer? Do you meet her part way?

Good luck HP!
Hugs,
Lisa

[HPoirot]

Thank you Vanilla and LisaB for your comments. LisaB I'm sure you're right about pulling away leaving the WAS with space to come closer. Honesty though, I'm getting to the point were I'm more pulling away just for me... for my own life and my own future. And thank you Vanilla again for your support. I want to have a good day and I'm going to try to.

W and I did have a few R talks this morning. They weren't horrible. I only made a few pursuit mistakes. I did talk about how I everything negative between us can be addressed. She agreed but didn't think she wanted to. She talked about figuring out if she wanted to try. She brought up the need for MC. I said I very much wanted MC and wished I could make the appointment today. She said she was going back to her IC b/c she didn't feel she was making progress. Nothing changed. I'm not getting sucked into these talks again.

She did, though, describe my GALing and new social life as very positive change for myself in regards to her wanting to work on our M. She asked me specifically about one of the events I attended. I know she like details so I gave them.

More importantly, we talked about fixing our immediate financial worries and getting a new apartment together. So in that way we can work in a businesslike manner. We talked about the future... maybe moving together to the next state over for the better schools. We ended it friendly. She gave me a hug.

I'm caring less and less about what she says.

In any case, she says today she's going to drop S11 at his friends house and then go to her mastermind business group in the near suburbs and then to her office downtown to work. I say fine... I'm not to ask about where she goes but she offers anyway.

Ten minutes after she leaves, she calls and said for me to go walk and get S11 at 2. I say I planned to be by her office at lunch. Would she like to join me? I admit this was a test. She stumbled... said she wasn't planning on going to her office now. I said ok no problem I'll go to lunch anyway, see you later, and hung up.

A minute later she calls back. She stumbled around an explanation saying she was going by her office now to get her computer. Then she would stay out in the burbs to work. She planned to also meet her girlfriend out there. For some reason, she asked if I needed the truck... offered to come home and leave the truck with me. Then she would take the bus to the burbs. I accepted her offer of the truck to see what would happen. Then she changes like she didn't expect me to accept. She says she didn't know I had plans for the truck. That since yesterday I was away all day today was "her day" and she had made plans today. She sounded upset and flustered. I almost said sure bring the truck home like you offered and take the bus or I'll drive you out there. She went back and forth with her explanation... me telling her don't worry about it... I had no plans... she offered and I though it would have been nice to have the truck. I said, if she was in her office when I go get S11, at 2 that she should let me know. Maybe we could all get a bite to eat together. She said she didn't think she'd be in her office then. I told her to let me know... enjoy her time and hung up.

She is still lying. She is going to see OM. I'm starting to recognize when she does... when she goes overboard explaining her plans. She will probably bring home something she (or he) bought out where she was supposed to be.

Even so, nothing then has changed. I'm DBing so I let this go. I let her keep believing I have no real idea about what she does. That I'm the clueless guy working hard but in vain to save his M. Part of me, though, would prefer she know that I know everything. My need not to feel like the clueless chump watching her son while she plays. I could be wrong about her. I feel awful anyway. I really don't know what to do with this. I know I need to stop giving her the idea that I'm working to save this M with her.

And I see this is why you don't pay too much attention to what WAS is doing. It is maddening and painful. Just accept it and move on. The best I can do today is to make my financial plans come true. I do need the financial pressure to go down and me doing that is one step closer to the life I want for myself.

I'm not going to ask her about her day later. I want to though.

[Vanilla]

HP
Stand, observe and detach from the behaviour.

This still means you care, love and want W. I know detaching is very hard, because as you can see from my thread there is a great deal of spewing and venom, lies and deceit too.

But it does mean that centre you are finding in HP is becoming a stronger force. It is working for HP. I have observed that the more I attend to the crazies in H that the wilder the drama gets and the more it causes me to unravel.


The minute I stopped reacting back but stood my ground, the calmer everything became. The more reasonable grounded and centred I am , then the more H crazies are uncovered to H.

H this is what I want. No MC whilst your drinking is out of control, no sex whilst you are drunk, and I will cook fish, I will go GAL, I will wear makeup ( thanks gg) etc
My boundaries are clearly different to yours but the principle applies I feel.

As long as you are core to HP then you are the steady cruise ship and W is the speedboat going in all directions, towards and away from you the cruise ship. You are stopping being the lifeboat following the speed boat around.

A good gal tonight for you, detatch
Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you Vanilla. I'm only really starting to get detaching. I know being angry so I say I don't care isn't detaching. I'm working on that.

This week I will get what needs to get done done.

My goals everyday this week...

1. WALK AWAY FROM R TALKS
2. Love my son
3. Work productively
4. Do at least one GAL
5. Act friendly to W

Despite all her threats, for now at least we'll be moving together to a new place in January. If she leaves it will be as early as April. Time for me to get my finances together. Time for me practice being happier, centered, better me everyday. I'm caring very little right now about how W sees or reacts to my changes.

I figured out yesterday I was being too short with W when she approached me. This set her off. I can be friendly like with a co-worker. I must remember that.

That's all I'm doing related to W. Being friendly. I realize I did pursue and seek to convince W in our R talk this morning. No matter what good things she may say in return, even a little R talk is too much. I was also too empathetic like a good friend again. I am not her friend.

Also, my birthday is coming up. Sitting here now, I do not want a gift or any Holiday anything from her. I do not think, though, that this supports my goal. Even so, I can't see how I can accept or give gifts to her while she's in her A. Then again.... I want to show empathy and understanding too. I'm thinking about how to do this.

Does anyone have experience on Birthday/Holiday giving while your W is in an A to share? What a question to ask. I know... the polite thing is to get her a small gift and politely accept whatever she wants to give unless she says she's not comfortable.

Also, she brought up going to MC again today against my boundary. If she keeps pushing, I'm thinking I'll say... "You know how I feel about going to the MC we need. That's non-negotiable."

Right now... I accept W wants to separate. She is working to protect herself from pain. She sees a better life for herself elsewhere. That's her issue and it is real. I know I can't do anything about her feeling. I know time is on my side to make my life better for me.

One last thing. W and I usually watch the Walking Dead TV show together. It's the only fun thing we still do together from before BD. Now that her OM is out in the open and she has moved herself to the couch... I'm wondering if I still do this fun thing with her. She usually asks me if we'll watch together just before the show comes on. While I do not want to be the entertaining LBH with her at all, I'm thinking it would be punishing her if I say I'm not watching with her. I'm thinking I will skip watching with her and just go to bed.

What do you think?

Thank you.

[1foot2]

Skip the show. She has to know what she's losing. This is one of the counterintuitive parts of DB. If she knows it's something you usually do and looks forward to, she will notice. Don't skip it and hide elsewhere though, come up with something you need to do out of the house while it's on.

I've read your threads but I'm not too clear on why you'd get another place with her right now.

[HPoirot]

S11 is trying to call W to ask when she's coming home. She's not answering. I know I cannot confront my W about where she was today. That would be wrong. Would push her out the door. I really want to, though. I have a lot of respect for the good folks on here who have gone through this for months. I will pull it together before she comes home. Looking at my son now. He's the greatest. He and I are worth it. I will pull it together.