WAH - chapter 5 LisaB

[gan]

Oh Lisa. That would have been a tough discovery. He seems like he is off his nut!

I agree with rppfl. As long as you continue to engage with him under these circumstances, your H will feel no consequences to his decisions/actions. I think you need to tell him (calmly) that this is not acceptable and go dark. It's the only way to try to win back a little respect.

[LisaB]

Thanks my friends! My sentiments too.

After I wrote the above he started telling me how much he appreciated my help and started offering all kinds of assistance to me in the future.

I feel like the answer is clear. No, I don't want to be just one of the pack. So since he seems to want to keep me around, I have to be the one to step back.

It's difficult as we seem to have developed a friendly "relationship". But obviously he is still uncertain about what he wants and is keeping me as backup. I'm not into that.

I want off of this roller coaster.

[Little]

Go dark with me, Lisa. We'll support each other.

[LisaB]

Hi friends, update for today.
I have been reading up on friendly but not friends and going dark. When I pondered going dark, I realized that the idea of not being friends upsets me a lot. Interesting as I really did not think I wanted to be friends with him at all. But when I imagined not being a part of each other's lives it made me start bawling. Surprise!

What I get from that is that he probably feels similarly, as I think my friendship is actually more important to him than his is to me. (mindreading but) I have a ton of friends, he does not. I was his best friend and his social coordinator. Since BD he has had to make new connections and be social on his own which is probably good for him but also hard as an introvert. In fact he has said this to me quite a few times.

Bearing all this in mind, if I take away my friendship and only be distant and polite, he may feel the sting. And if he doesn't, oh well then it is all over anyway.

He is replacing my presence in his life with all the OWs. I know this because I read his communications with them. OW#1 is his best friend with benefits, OW#2 is the nice one who is always available when he is lonely, OW#3 is sexy, fun and talkative. He likely doesn't even get the chance to miss me much since he has all these replacements lined up AND he has me to talk to as well when they don't quite do it.

So I plan to go dark. But then of course he texted me multiple times today and was friendly, caring and asking a lot of questions. I did not reply yet but I will go with the friendly neighbor tactic and be polite, brief and show PMA.

Let's see how Going Dark Part 2 works out.

Hugs, Lisa

[SunnyB]

Good luck Lisa!

[Maybell]

Good job planning and evaluating! Hope it works!

[gan]

It's the "not being a part of each other's lives" bit that I struggle with, too, Lisa. Then again, H seems to be completely fine with that at the moment and he's kinda forcing me into it. Sigh.

I hope your new approach takes things in a positive direction!

[Zues126]

I'm not sure I'm on the right track, but ill tell you one thing a little distance does. It allows me to live based on what I want, as opposed to being hung up all the time on what STBX will think. For a while I was so fixated on mind reading her reactions that I felt like I was a jr high student with a crush. Now I still think of her, wonder if she thinks of me, ponder the future, etc, at times...but for the most part I can just feel normal and focus on me. It has made things much easier for me and I feel mostly at peace.

Of course my next DB coach session is Tuesday and I'm probably goin to be in trouble for not doing more to develop a foundation of friendship...we shall see.

[LisaB]

Hi rppfl, Maybell and ganb8te! Thanks for the support!

Zues, I agree that taking space away from the WAS helps us to focus on ourselves. As you mentioned at the end I wonder about friendship and if I should be trying to encourage that more. Friends or not? I just don't know.

I'm trying to look back at the last few months to see "what worked". If I look at my list of what he would do if things were improving, well, he is doing about 80% of them. In a way, things are improving. He is definitely coming closer to me. But after my spying I see that he is also coming closer to a few OWs in the same way.

I don't like this. I want him to think I am special, not just one of the army of women in his life keeping him from loneliness.

It seems that maybe when I pull away (especially when I'm feeling over him) he sometimes does come a bit closer and try to have R talks, telling me he misses me and is lonely. In the past I have typically reacted in the "wrong" way. Becoming angry, upset, emotional. I'll have a think on it.

And there's this part of me that wonders if it is only an ego thing and for the win. How can you know? Am I just wasting my time trying to win a stupid game when I don't even want the prize? I had him on a pedestal when we were together. I thought he was so clever, so handsome, so kind. I have lost all respect for him and I don't think it is only due to the hurt he caused. I don't see him as quite so smart, he looks like crap and is certainly not the sweet, kind person I married. He fell off his pedestal and smashed into a billion pieces. He's not a horrible person by any means, more like a regular guy who isn't so special.

Thanks for reading my friends! Have a good day!
Hugs, Lisa

[Maybell]

Lisa, my H has also fallen off his pedestal and smashed. I'm not sure he knows this.

The cool thing about that for me is how many more doors that opens for the health of our relationship. Statues on pedestals are cold, hard, frozen in one position, and you can only reach the least appealing bits. They're also not very real.

People are warm, ever-changing, flawed, able to reach back, and with their feet on the ground, you can reach their arms, their hearts, and their heads -- the best parts.

My H may not be the best guy in the world, may not be the warmest, the smartest, the most interesting, the kindest... But he is a person, and I find people interesting. I fell in love with a person. I'd much rather be married to a person. I hope he would too. There's a lot of pressure in having to be the smartest, or best-looking, or whatever. I'd rather we both be more accepting of who we are.

I don't know what to say about your H's fleet of standbys, but I'd say if you choose to keep engaging with him, stop trying to decide whether or not you still love him and start just seeing him as a whole, separate person. Separate from any relationship at all, engage with him just in the moment without analysis or pressure, and just be curious about him as a person in the moment. Put aside your agenda and your misgivings and let yourself just experience time with him.

I feel like I am trying to get at something kind of deep with inadequate words. In yoga I think they would say to be open to letting your essence experience his essence without judgment. Don't work so hard at it and see what happens.

Good luck.