Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[MrBond]

"i don't think she's a terrible woman but she is not the quality of woman she has been."

"quality of woman"? So you expect her to be a certain quality? She's an individual not a piece of meat.

[bravo61]

What I mean to say with the quality statement is that her values have seemed to change.
Before BD, I was not near an involved Dad as I am now.
I put all the blame on myself for the broken relationship & put her on a pedestal and I expressed that to her.

I want to continue to be the man I've become, calm, considerate, trustworthy, learn how to be happy on my own.

Her askng me to change things I did was an issue I struggled with . She would ask me to for example kiss her bfore I left everyday. So I would do that for a while and over time she would ask for something else. Well I would get upset that she wasn't acknowledging my improvements and say to myself, nothing is ever gonna be enough for her. I actually expected to be rewarded for things I should've been doing all along. I was such an ahole. I see it clearly.

That's why its so important to me to end every interaction w/her with a hug if she wants one.

She texted me this morning about signing the papers. She mentioned that she's not happy but needs to move forward. Told her I wasn't goi g to stand in her way. That I cared about her so much and I didn't want to say hurtful tthings as I'm in pain a d could we finish it later.I regret telling her we could've been an awesome family because I've lesrned so much. Then she invited me to thanksgiving.

So Bug and Bond,
I'm just a broken man that loves his wife that is trying not to self destruct due the poor decisions I've made in my life thst has impacted thosebi love negatively. I'm so sorry I hurt my W and kids with my critical and selfish nature and i would give up years off my life to show them how I truly feel inside.

I guess I've been looking for things she's doing wrong (in my mind) thinking that will help me detach.

[bravo61]

Bug,
She didn't/couldn't believe I would change. She thought if she didn't get out now, she never would. My S complains that she drinks everday. I have the kids two, sometimes three days a week. I spent a little time w/the kids one on one before the bomb drop but acted like it was more obligation than joy.

I wasn't excited about having a second child and especially not a girl. I was afraid of having a girl because of the poor relationships I had w/my sister and mother. Scared that I wouldn't be a good dad to girl.

[bravo61]

my pride is gone. i'm at my bottom. where do i go from here? i'm maintaining the changes cause i never want to be that person again. help!

[Maybell]

Keep on with what you're doing. If this is bottom then the only place to go is up. Think how exciting that is! From here, you and your life will only get better! What will that be like? Imagine it here. This is the person you'll be no matter who is by your side. The things you'll do, the hobbies you'll cultivate, the new things you'll learn. Who is that person?

You've so got this.

[bravo61]

just got back from taking the kids back to W apt after church. i gave her pictures from Santa and soccer pics. she gave me the divorce settlement to sign and send to her lawyer. nice trade huh. noticed that she had taken down a picture of her and i from one of our first trips as a married couple. i didn't say anything but she noticed me notice it. she said, i'm erasing you from their lives. and you're such a good person. i didn't lose it or cry. of course i wanted to say if i'm a good person what does that make you for leaving me.

let's be honest divorce means that you are willing to give up days with your own children of you're own accord. that's such BS! yeah looking at that i see how sorry for myself i'm feeling, i just hate this and i'm tired of the pain. she wants me to go to thanksgiving with them. she gave me big hug when i left.

i only get the kids for one night this week because her mom is in town. i wonder how long it will take after the divorce for her to realize that i can't be her default blame for everything and happiness isn't garunteed with divorce.

[Maybell]

I'm sorry that's how things are right now. I wish I could change it for you and for all of us.

[bravo61]

thanx maybell

[labug]

noticed that she had taken down a picture of her and i from one of our first trips as a married couple. i didn't say anything but she noticed me notice it. she said, i'm erasing you from their lives. and you're such a good person.

Are those the words she actually used. I'm pushing you because you sometimes say things and then walk it back. Like her spew.

So what were her words about the picture.

let's be honest divorce means that you are willing to give up days with your own children of you're own accord. that's such BS! yeah looking at that i see how sorry for myself i'm feeling, i just hate this and i'm tired of the pain. she wants me to go to thanksgiving with them. she gave me big hug when i left.

bravo, you've said yourself that before the BD, you didn't spend much one-to-one time with your kids so it's hardly honest for you to paint her as an uncaring parent. She did everything for them for years.

Her inviting your to Thanksgiving with them hardly follows with the "erasing you" comment.

i only get the kids for one night this week because her mom is in town. i wonder how long it will take after the divorce for her to realize that i can't be her default blame for everything and happiness isn't garunteed with divorce.

Her happiness wasn't guaranteed with you either. And this is all from your writing here when you're being honest with yourself and us. You have said you were angry and treated her horribly. And that was for how many years? So it may take half that number for her to feel comfortable with you if she ever does. We have no crystal ball.

But what you can do is set your plan and work it. You have a roadmap and it's pretty much contained in this quote from you

I'm just a broken man that loves his wife that is trying not to self destruct due the poor decisions I've made in my life thst has impacted thosebi love negatively. I'm so sorry I hurt my W and kids with my critical and selfish nature and i would give up years off my life to show them how I truly feel inside.

It's easy to say you'd give up years of your life but you have the opportunity to do just that starting today. Make every interaction a good one. Spend fun times with your kids but don't just be a Disney dad. Read Claire's and Maybell's threads for suggestions on what to do and what not to do as a father who is now taking an active role in the lives of his kids. Or ask them directly.

Most importantly, believe that your W knows what's best for her. Don't remind her constantly that a D is not what you want, drop the hang-dog look when she's around. Stand proud knowing that you're going to change and make life better for your kids.

IN the past how would T-giving had been spent by you? Not your family, what would you have done?

[bravo61]

Bug,
She said I was NOT being erased from their lives. Simple typo.

Simply put, the comment about treating her horribly for years is kinda muddy. Was I unkind during fights at times, yes. The point was that she felt that way and I refuse to minimize her feelings in that regard even if they may not be 100% factual. That is the way I took on more of my share of the blame. If that makes any sense.

She is a caring parent it just seems different now and not only to me. My S has made many comments about it & I reassure him how much she loves him.

The only time D comes up is when she brings it up. Outside of the reaction to the pictures and the text the other day, I haven't said anything about not wanting a divorce in a couple of months.

I make every interaction w/W pleasant and upbeat as I can. The kids and I have a great time together. Sure we go do the "fun stuff" but also the mundane like homework and grocery shopping.

This is all so hard, because I was so excited about a new start with my family. I don't want to believe that this is the end but it is for now. It's lime I was the one in a "fog".

Buts it's my choice and responsibility to be the man I want to be. The man I am is all the things that she wanted. Even though she says she doesn't now, that may change later. But regardless that man can be a blessing to his kids and others in his life.

Most T-giving one or both of us had to work. If I didn't, I would cook for the fam or we'd go to the in-laws.

Lord, please heal my family and send a Miracle to bring us back together whole.