Our lease to our apartment ended in June. We asked for an additional month and were told it was fine, just would have to pay a premium. We were fine with that, as we were still searching for a place that we liked. In July, I called in the middle of the month and requested an additional month but had to leave a message at the apartment. Didn't hear anything back so I assumed I was good. At the end of the month, they finally called and told us to be ready for our exit inspection! They claimed that they had never received my request for an additional month, and that our apartment had been rented.
We weighed our options, and decided that living with my Uncle/Aunt was the best course until we could find a new place that we liked. She wanted us to stay with her mom and siblings, but I got the feeling that her mom didn't especially want that. In retrospect, I wish I would have just moved in with her family. She seemed to get along with my family who were very welcoming, but I see now why that made her feel out of place and lonely.
After our most recent fight (when she left), I offered to move over there. But I think she was already past that idea. She says she is much happier living over there with her mom, sisters & brothers.
So that's the story of how our current living situation got where it is.
Our schedule with the baby as of now: - Currently, she works 6am-3pm M-F so I watch our son during all those times. I go to school on M & W, so when I can not watch him, it is always one of my family members that does so.
I keep him all M. She picks him up Tues when she gets off work and I pick him up before bedtime. I keep him W until I drop him off with my family member, then she picks him up and keeps him through the night. She drops him off early morning Thursday (my day). We're still sorting out how the weekends work.
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
Today, I went to the gym with my son and dropped him off at the day care. They must have left a name tag on him because when my wife came to pick him up after work, she found it on his jacket.
"Where'd you guys go?" she asks.
"A place." I say, as I smile my secret smile, the one like I have a secret nobody in the world knows.
"Tell me!" she says, not unkindly.
"The gym," I explain, "He had fun at the daycare with the other kids."
We joke for a little while about him. I know she was mostly asking because of him, but it was nice to see her showing interest in what he and I were up to.
She watches him for the afternoon and I'm to pick him up around bed time. I text and ask if it's okay if I pick him up late, because I need to finish my paper. When I arrive, she asks if I finished my paper (I hadn't). I joke with her because I never finish my college work on time, which she knows. "I was just asking, butthead!" she says with a smile.
"Goodnight," I say after she loads the baby into my car and I turn to get in my seat. "Goodnight," she replies.
I see a glimmer in her eyes when she looks at me sometimes. I don't know what it means, but it's nice to see her smile around me. It's nice to know that she doesn't hate me, at least. I don't consider conversations like this baby steps, because they're still just about our son and nothing to do with reconciliation or the R. I just...love that girl. I want those smiles in my life, no matter what. Detaching is hard, especially when I think about like I am tonight, but I like it when things are pleasant between us.
*Sigh* sorry for the novel, everyone. I'm hopeless!
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
This your place to put your thoughts, go for it. Some DBers cover a thread every few days. The more sedate every month or so. Just keep on keep on posting.
Travel a little to other threads, post a short post where you feel appropriate. Even saying have a better day today is enough as long as it is heartfelt. Then others will visit, you can even ask them to post on your thread, ask questions of other posters and write about your sitch. I think that your writing is very clear and emotionally expressed. It is a very attractive style. My own was stuccato and lacked flow so you are well ahead.
Similar DBers tend to appear on each other's posts, you will find your team of like minds daisy chain from each other. The vets will offer the gifts of the 2x4. My approach was to look for posters I felt resonated, you may chose dads or mums with young ones who are 2 to 3 months along the same road. Consider reading uppercu posts in marriage/infidelity forum.
Where are you in the DR book?
If you are starting with the beginners mind have you examined the fallacies around marriage?
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/10/1404:11 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I see a glimmer in her eyes when she looks at me sometimes. I don't know what it means, but it's nice to see her smile around me. It's nice to know that she doesn't hate me, at least. I don't consider conversations like this baby steps, because they're still just about our son and nothing to do with reconciliation or the R. I just...love that girl. I want those smiles in my life, no matter what. Detaching is hard, especially when I think about like I am tonight, but I like it when things are pleasant between us.
*Sigh* sorry for the novel, everyone. I'm hopeless!
You are not hopeless. You carry hope, that is why you are here. Many people resort to anger and despair, and therefore don't adapt. You are adapting through learning, paying attention and GAL!
Keep things light. Don't backslide. Convince yourself and convince her that you are GAL. Read sandi2's 37 rules. I have these in my phone and read them every couple of days.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Vanilla, I probably need some 2x4's right about now. I have finished DR, considering reading DB.
Mahhhty, yes, I read the 37 rules almost daily. At least once on the days that I know we will see one another. I am working hard on GAL. Sometimes I feel like a different person.
Sandi2, I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I used to think that detaching means not being in love anymore or not caring, but I see now that those are not truly possible. I was reading an old thread about detaching today and started thinking about what it truly meant. My counselor has explained that she can't make me feel anything, that is to say, my emotions come from within. I want to get to that level of understanding and owning my feelings. The things that she does will affect me of course, and I can not stop loving her. But I do hope I can get to a point where I will be okay with the things that I cannot change (her feelings and actions). What would you advise about that?
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
You don't need 2x4, my young friend you need a home of your own with your child. Somewhere to build from. And yet you need to be with others and be sharing life's difficulties. I see a tension between conflicting needs. This is very complex sitch indeed. How much longer do you have to study? When do you join the working world? What do you see when you do, what does your future hold?
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
