a young marriage in trouble

[lnlyshp]

Hello all. I found this website a few days ago and have been browsing some of the materials and forums. I think it would help me a lot to share my story and get some experience from some of the other people here.

To begin, I am a young man (22). I have been married to my W (21) for <1 year. We have an 18 m/o son together. We have been together for 6 years, through high school, save for a breakup a few years ago that lasted about 6 months with almost no contact. You know the old saying about letting something go if you love it? I did it. We had a tough relationship growing up, but have always loved each other and stuck by each other. After she was hospitalized for nearly 2 months, she felt that she wanted to experience life without me. I took it hard at the time. I begged, I pleaded, I negotiated. It simply drove her away.

I made peace with that failure in my life. I knew that, along with her needing to experience life, that I had not treated her very well. I was possessive and jealous. I understood why she had left even if I did not want to admit it to myself. I was depressed for a long time, but was living with a roommate so I had someone to talk to. Eventually, I started to think about her less and less. After what seemed like a long time alone, I finally started to move on with my life. I was finishing my Associates degree and working nights to get through life. She called me one night (approximately 6 months after) during one of my shifts and asked to get breakfast together. She told me that she had missed me very much during this time and I explained I had missed her as well. We decided to reconcile. I felt at the time that she was sincere about missing me, and not simply coming back to me out of loneliness. Or maybe I had just convinced myself. I'm not sure I will ever know.

Not long after reconciling, she was pregnant. Before someone asks - I am 100% sure that the baby was mine. I think that its fair to say that this happened too quickly, but I was in love and I had my girl back. The baby is something I will never regret. Six months later, I proposed to her and she agreed. My son was born in May of 2013. My wife and I were married in March of this year.

We were living in an apartment together at the time and, although we would still bicker, the fighting had largely subsided. I was happy at the time, and I do believe that she was as well. We fell into some problems with our living situation. Out of necessity, we moved into the basement of a family member's home. Neither of us liked the situation, but it was only supposed to be temporary. We appreciated saving money and my family's generosity, but it can be very tough to live with your family in a space that is not your own. I should also point out that I was going to school full time and she was working. This was an arrangement that I didn't like, but she wanted me to focus on school. I quit the best job I ever had (night shift) when she was returning to work after her maternity leave. I had another part time job while she worked full time and I stayed with the baby during the week. Before we moved in with my family, she encouraged me to leave my part time job because she saw that I hated it, I was about to start school again, and it helped a lot in regards to having someone to watch my son while she worked her 9-5. When we moved in with my family, the fighting began again.

I left too often. I would spend time with my friends at night. We don't go out and party or anything, mainly just watch TV and play games and that sort of thing. Before, when we were living on our own, I was always at home. I had people over from time to time, but didn't feel comfortable having guests in our temporary living space, so I left. This made her feel lonely. I also was questioning my own manhood (living under a family member's roof, no job, in the nurturing role) and had started to grow jealous and possessive again. That said, I do have reason to believe that someone else is in the picture.

She left. She took my son, packed up all of her things, and left. She is staying with her family currently. Once again, I begged at first. And pleaded. And nothing helped. In my search for answers, I discovered this site. I began reading through the forums. I discovered the 37 rules, many of which I see a lot of wisdom in. I just feel it may be too little, too late.

I have my strong days and my weak days. It is tough because we still see each other most every day (I am still the one that watches my son primarily through the week). I have begun to see a counselor for 2 reasons: 1) I needed someone to talk to besides my family, who love me and comfort me, but I know are just really hoping for the best. 2) I want to show my wife that I am making an active effort to change. If she does come back (I do not think she will), then I want to improve myself, my communication skills, and learn to deal with things better. On my strong days, I do not call or pursue in any way. I pick up my son politely, I say goodbye first, and I do so with a smile. On my weak days, I wake up after terrible dreams. I call her in the morning. This has happened twice in the five or so days that she has been gone. Because of our son, I am unable to go completely dark.

I know that none of you can help solve my relationship problems or get my wife back. But it is therapeutic to discuss my situation with those that have gone through something similar. I am open to any and all advice. Again, I know I am young. Please do not hold that against me.

-lonelyship

[Roberta]

I am glad to see that you have been reading Divorce Busting information and speaking to a counselor. Now, I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches know exactly how to guide you through this very hard separation. We also know what you need to say and do differently to get your marriage back on track and save your family. Call me today to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

[MrBond]

You will not be judged here on your age. In fact, it sounds like you've got much of it figured out as to what caused your M to fail.

First off, you need to get the DB or DR books right away. They will help you to understand many of the concepts that are discussed here.

Next, can you detail exactly what issues she had with you? What did the two of you fight about? What makes you think there's someone else?

[lnlyshp]

I plan to purchase the materials once I have a better idea of how the money situation is looking.

I think many of her issues with marriage included:
- Me being overbearing
- loneliness
- feeling unappreciated
- my frequent leaving at night
- Emotional distance (this is a big one I think)

One thing that I got angry over was her relationship with a male coworker. I felt that their relationship went beyond the scope of a professional one, and I told her this made me uncomfortable. The cause of the big fight was my discovering a text he had sent her and subsequently realizing that she had deleted the conversation beforehand. The text in and of itself was not anything bad, I think it simply said "about?", but I was very angry that this was going and that she had deleted the previous messages to hide them from me. I asked her to choose between her friendship and her marriage (something I should NOT have done) and she explained that maybe we shouldn't be together if I won't allow her to have friends

While I know I acted rashly in this situation, I still feel that it was very disrespectful on her part to try and hide it from me. I am afraid that she is having an affair, and unsure if I would be willing to reconcile if she is.

That said, I still do not know and realize I may be jumping to conclusions.

[lnlyshp]

Rough couple of days. Having trouble sleeping through the night. Got too drunk last night. I'm not a big drinker, but for some reason I thought it would help. It did not. I feel miserable this morning (emotionally, not physically). I'm going to pick up my son today. With the holidays coming up, she asked if it was okay if she took him out of town to see her sister for a few days. I've never been away from him for more than a day. It is going to be tough to get through and I will miss him a great deal.

Had a meeting with her yesterday during which she told me in no uncertain terms which way she is leaning (towards a divorce, although she did not say the word). She said that if I asked her right now, I would not like the answer. I encouraged her to keep thinking on things. The talk was supposed to be about how things should work and how we should behave towards each other during this time. She does not want to talk about our relationship now, but it seems clear to me that she has already made up her mind. How do you stay optimistic in dark times like these? I feel like giving up hope.

[MrBond]

"I plan to purchase the materials once I have a better idea of how the money situation is looking."

The book is $12 on Amazon. Buy the book.

"I think many of her issues with marriage included:"

- Me being overbearing - It is true?
- loneliness - It is true?
- feeling unappreciated - Did you not value her?
- my frequent leaving at night - It is true? Why would you just leave?
- Emotional distance (this is a big one I think) - All of the above is what created the emotional distance

"How do you stay optimistic in dark times like these?"

It's in the books. You need to "get a life" and concentrate on yourself and on changing your bad habits.

[sandi2]

She does not want to talk about our relationship now, but it seems clear to me that she has already made up her mind. How do you stay optimistic in dark times like these? I feel like giving up hope.

Giving up? You haven't even started. This is not going to be fixed by having a relationship talk with her. I know that must be difficult to understand, especially if you are the type to work problems out by discussing it. When you have a WAW, she will not want to listen to talk about the M. She doesn't want to be around you right now.

Don't allow your fear to get the best of you. Sure, she may be thinking about D. I think all WAW's do. That doesn't mean they all go through with it.

It is usually a long process, so prepare yourself.

Btw, she was wrong to hide messages from anyone of the opposite sex. If he was just a friend, she would not feel the need for secrecy.

[lnlyshp]

Thanks for the replies, MrBond and sandi2!

Purchased DR yesterday and I'm still in the process of reading it. So far many things in the book make sense to me and actually make me feel much better. I especially liked the part I read about communication and how the things that we do can influence our spouse's attitude as well.

I have had our son with me for the past few days. I have taken steps to socialize more and GAL. I have worked more on some short stories that I have put off forever and met with friends to avoid isolating myself. Still very difficult to overcome the negativity, but I understand that this is a roller coaster ride. Trying to keep a PMA at all times.

I am very worried because she is taking my son to visit her sister in another town from W-S for the holiday. I have never been away from him that long and realize that I will be very lonely without him. I am also worried because I believe her sister is one of the well-meaning family members I read about, and that she will return with the decision to divorce me after talking with her. Any advice on how to react in that conversation should it arise?

Yesterday, during an exchange of our son, she did seem a little more friendly towards me. We talked like old times (about him, not about R) but it was still nice to have a conversation with her that I didn't walk away from feeling terribly. I felt I was nice to her, funny, and maybe just a tiny bit charming. Baby steps, yknow? Marathon, not a sprint.

[lnlyshp]

Met with my counselor yesterday and discussed some things that I can do to GAL. I am joining a gym and going to start working on my health. I've never really been active, so I'm not sure really where to start, but I think it will be good for me. I am working on constructing a more healthy diet. For fun, I am going to start taking guitar lessons (something I've always wanted to do) and seeing if there are any activities/clubs at the college that I can join. I'm also planning on volunteering at local soup kitchens and researching non-profit organizations in my area that I could possibly get involved in. I'm also planning on going and seeing a movie with an old buddy tonight, so I won't be so focused on not having my son.

Her mother is going to pick up my son for their road trip today. I actually did his laundry, which I think my WAW will get a kick out of, as it is something I rarely did when we were together. I am a little annoyed that she is not picking him up herself, but trying not to get too upset about it as it may just be a logistical thing (her mom is picking him up and then picking her up from work and then they're hitting the road).

What else can I say? I'm hanging in there, trying to do things to become the person that I want to be, and reading DR every day.

[lnlyshp]

Rough day today. Tried to stay positive during the holiday, didn't do very well. Backslid a little and kind of retreated to the basement. I was upset that she texted my aunt to say happy thanksgiving but said nothing to me. Finally, in a moment of weakness, I texted her and told her happy thanksgiving. Nothing more than that. I'm planning on Skyping my son (only 19 months old but still nice to see his face) tonight or tomorrow.

Crummy day, but going out with a friend tonight and hopefully catching a movie (reschedule from the other day).

Tomorrow's another day.