If you end up D, then no, you probably won't be friends, because your friends don't treat you this way. But even then you have a decision to make. You can learn forgiveness, move on, passively not be friends without being a butt-wad, and focus on your life. Or, you can dwell on it, actively be enemies, hold a grudge and let her sap your happiness forever.
Here's the neat thing. Right now, while you are in the thick of it, you have exactly the same decision to make. You can be the best you, get on with your life, and passively not be friends, without being a butt-wad. You leave the door open for that miracle to happen. Alternatively, you can be a cold jerk, angry because of all the inconsiderate pain she caused you, blah, blah, blah, this gets me no satisfaction and no relief and she doesn't give a crap, blah, blah, baggage, etc.
The point being: Up until (if ever) there is a change in your W, the best course of action for you is the same, now, through S, and D and afterward.
I swear, this whole thing gets so much easier once you accept that the best thing you can do is to become the best you that you can sustainably be, learn to be happy with that self, and start moving your life in the direction you want it to go.
Your W will either get on board or not, using the same free will she used to get herself into the situation she is in. And based on those actions, and pretty much those actions only, you'll be able to decide whether or not you want to be friends. In the mean time, worrying about being friends, or W's remorse, or your pain endured, while interesting to ponder momentarily, really just delays your progress. Don't let it prevent you from executing your plan.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Thanks Zew- wise words indeed! Hope things are going well with you.
That's actually how I had been feeling (and acting) up until the recent discovery. We didn't need to be friends, but I didn't have to be a jerk either. I'm just having a setback that I'm sure I'll get over in time.
I actually sent W an email yesterday afternoon after my meeting with the atty to discuss dissolution. Asked when she thought she'd be able to give me half the fees involved and went over the timeline. Said I'd prefer to do it later in January so that the holidays aren't ruined for the kids. She has yet to respond. I'm guessing I'll either get a response on how she's still conflicted or that she'll just ignore it all together, forcing me to f/u. With the dissolution, we have to pretty much work together and agree to everything as opposed to a D where I could just have her served.
I'm feeling ok about moving on. Honestly, it won't be much different. We've spent the past 14 mos separated and I've been the sole household caretaker for the past 8 mos. If anything, I think it will help me move past the anger I hold towards her.
Wedding tonight for a girl we used to babysit. I was planning on leaving after the ceremony (to avoid being seated at the same table as W), but maybe I'll just play it by ear.
If you end up D, then no, you probably won't be friends, because your friends don't treat you this way. But even then you have a decision to make. You can learn forgiveness, move on, passively not be friends without being a butt-wad, and focus on your life. Or, you can dwell on it, actively be enemies, hold a grudge and let her sap your happiness forever.
Here's the neat thing. Right now, while you are in the thick of it, you have exactly the same decision to make. You can be the best you, get on with your life, and passively not be friends, without being a butt-wad. You leave the door open for that miracle to happen. Alternatively, you can be a cold jerk, angry because of all the inconsiderate pain she caused you, blah, blah, blah, this gets me no satisfaction and no relief and she doesn't give a crap, blah, blah, baggage, etc.
The point being: Up until (if ever) there is a change in your W, the best course of action for you is the same, now, through S, and D and afterward.
I swear, this whole thing gets so much easier once you accept that the best thing you can do is to become the best you that you can sustainably be, learn to be happy with that self, and start moving your life in the direction you want it to go.
Your W will either get on board or not, using the same free will she used to get herself into the situation she is in. And based on those actions, and pretty much those actions only, you'll be able to decide whether or not you want to be friends. In the mean time, worrying about being friends, or W's remorse, or your pain endured, while interesting to ponder momentarily, really just delays your progress. Don't let it prevent you from executing your plan.
-zew
Some of the most straight forward, best advice in one post. That clearly explains the "focus on yourself" phrase that I have read a million times. We all slip, but focusing on yourself does not mean being a jerk to those you want in your life. Remember, give them some slack in the rope. Give them kindness, patience, and space. Then just let go of the rope if you must. Let go and have no control over them, but full control over yourself. Thanks ZEW!!
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Zew speaks very wise words. Take that advice and run with it.
Just checking in to see how the wedding was. I attended a wedding a few months ago, and it was much tougher than I thought because of all the constant reminders and memory floods.
The wedding wasn't as awkward as I expected. It was the first one both W and I have been to since S. The boys and I got there first and we didn't save W and D10 a seat, so they ended up sitting across the aisle from us. Then 'our' song was played right before the bride walked down the aisle. I had planned on leaving right after the ceremony, but stuck around and made small talk with different people. W and I didn't interact. We ended up leaving as they were doing the couples dance. Not sure if W took that as a cue or what. Oh, and I made sure to look good (and got several compliments)!!
W and kids are in FL and I had taken the week off from work, so I've been doing some things around the house, basketball, church, doing some Christmas shopping, meeting up with friends for dinner...trying to keep myself busy, but it's still pretty quiet without the kids here.
It's been about a week since I sent W an email asking when she could give me half of the dissolution cost so that I could go ahead with the next atty meeting. She still hasn't responded. I sent a follow up yesterday morning asking her thoughts and still nothing from her. It would be easy to just respond 'I can give you $ on such and such date..' so I'm assuming she's still torn. However, I'm not torn anymore.
I think I would have been able to get over the R with OM in time, but to find out there was more to it and at least 1 other (and who knows how many more or how far back it goes) helped take my blinders off. Even if by some miracle, W came to me saying she'd do anything, tell me all, etc- I don't know that it would matter to me. I feel good about myself, a lot more confident and more responsible. I've basically been living as D for the past 8 mos or so, so I don't see that a lot would change once it's official. And I'm just fine with that.
Glad you were able to get out and doing stuff while W and the kids are in Florida. Good for you!
Originally Posted By: Tarheel
It's been about a week since I sent W an email asking when she could give me half of the dissolution cost so that I could go ahead with the next atty meeting. She still hasn't responded. I sent a follow up yesterday morning asking her thoughts and still nothing from her. It would be easy to just respond 'I can give you $ on such and such date..' so I'm assuming she's still torn. However, I'm not torn anymore.
What's the urgency?? Really? Can this wait until after they return back from Florida? This comes across as desperate. Let them enjoy their break without any negative distractions like this. C'mon. Be the bigger man here, Tar.
To be honest, I was trying to budget for Christmas (and bills) so wanted to nail down a timeline of when I could expect her half. I can't afford to do it all on my own, especially around this time of year. The follow up was also to show that I was serious. I think everyone on here knows I've been guilty (several times) of empty 'threats' or ultimatums over the past year. Knowing my W, I knew that if I didn't re-address it, she'd just let it go. I'm done living in an open and disrespectful M.
I know all that may sound like weak excuses, but it's the truth. For what it's worth, you do have a point, so I will refrain from sending any other 'reminders' while she's out of town.
Glad you are enjoying some down time. You have received some fantastic advice. My only suggestion to you is to think about the kind of person you want your kids to see. That doesn't mean advocating or endorsing what your w does , however the high road ( IMVHO) is the only road. It can be a difficult, dark lonely road with few motorists and many potholes, and I still maintain that's the best road. Particularly when kids are involved.
Please know when I say this, I'm not insinuating in any way you would do this. X Mr GB dropped bomb 5 days after my birthday in Dec right before Xmas. 2 of our kids have Jan birthdays. X Mr GB said "he didn't want to leave before Xmas because the kids would always remember him as " that guy." Meanwhile he stayed and his mother had her phone in hand to call the police on him on 2 occasions. And I don't want to sound like a snob, but I had never thought of us as Jerry Springer type peeps. I was freaking mortified. So kids got to remember Dad going straight of the rails for Xmas and their birthdays. Please try to hold off.
Enjoy your downtime. I know you are angry. I understand. Hang in there and work through it. Happy Thanksgiving!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks Georgiabelle- I am holding off for no other reason than to not ruin the holidays for the kids. That is the very last thing I would want to do. My timeline is to meet with the atty sometime late Dec/early Jan so that we can finalize things (has to be >30 days after atty mtg) either late Jan or early Feb. I don't envision even telling the kids what's going on (not that they would be surprised considering we've been S for 14 mos) until right before everything's finalized.
What I/we tell the kids is another topic. I feel that W has to bear some of the responsibility (if not all) for her decision, but have to weigh that with what's best for the kids. I would just feel 'dirty' telling them that this is what W and I 'agreed' on, ya know?
