I got 99 problems but an MLCer ain't one!

[daring]

LT- yes you are right about the old marriage being dead. I get that part. I just don't understand destroying the whole family unit if you're not really wanting to let it go. But then again I haven't been kidnapped by the MLC mother ship either! I hope both our spouses figure it out before we have decided to move on. Either way we will be ok!

Job- thank you for your concern. Your words always make me feel like I have a big sister wrapping her arms around me in a big hug!
I am trying to be very cognizant of taking care of myself. I've been going to bed early to get good sleep, and even though I have to cut some visits short with mom I've made getting to boot camp a priority as it really helps me with my stress.
I also have two Christmas parties and a meetup with a fellow DBer next week so I'm GALing my arse off!

Cali- you made me laugh with the Hiroshima comment- so true!! And thank you for saying I've handjed this with grace and class- that makes me feel good. I try but some days I would just like to shout F you at him for all this crap!
Keep working on me, focus on me- we are learning Cali.

So little update- tonight was D13 band concert. H went early to get her from school and pick up food for her. I had to get S16 and S8 and bring them. When I showed up there was standing room only. H offered me his seat but I said no thanks. I noticed he kept stealing glances at me. Then one of the songs the kids played was the one with the line " only know you love her when you let her go". I noticed he looked down at his phone through that song when he had been engaged in all the others.
After the concert he took D13 and S8 to pick up food and I dropped off S16 at a party. He asked if I wanted anything since they were taking it to go. He brought kids back to my house and came in to hang out and eat for few min. Was chatting with me about kids stuff, especially D13 who had bad attitude tonight. He asked about my mom and some schedule things. I told him I would be back on Sat in time for him to go to a Christmas party. He asked where I was going, I told him I'm meeting a friend halfway between our two cities. ( it's a DB friend,!but I kept it mysterious!) Then as he was leaving he asked me to lock door behind him. Stood on porch talking for a few min and all the sudden he starts telling me about a couple of job offers he has. Wanted to share some of the details with me. I was very happy for him and gave him kudos on the opportunities. Then he asked if I was going to S8 karate belt test tomorrow and I said yes. He said ok I'll come by and pick you both up and we can all go.

I'm keeping my expectations sub zero- in fact- I'm not thinking these actions mean he will change his course at all and I'm still expecting D papers. But I see some desire for connection, and maybe a little fear about losing me?? I'm still going to keep doing my own things- next Fri is our 21st anniversary and I have plans. It's my boot camp Christmas dance party. H already knows I'm going and will have the kids that night. Me treating our anniversary like any other day is a statement I know he is noticing.

Ok novel done for now. I'm doing pretty good today. Will keep giving it to God.

[daring]

So interesting conversation today- not sure what to think.
H had younger kids last night after we did a celebration dinner for S8 karate belt test. S16 decided to stay with me. He went out with friends and around 1100 texted asking if he could stay as the mom offered. It is s girl's house ( not his girlfriend) but there was a group of them staying. I said fine but need to be back next day early enough to get ready to go to musical we were seeing.
Mid morning H came over to bring kids. S8 wanted to hang out a little and D13 needed to get ready for musical.
S16 hadn't shown up yet despite me calling him. H asked where he was and I told him. He said do you want me to go get him? I said yes that would be great. We both know the house as he hangs out there a lot.
When they got back H said he wished he had known he was staying night. Said he thinks we should let each other know those things.

Before I relay the rest of the conversation- in general H is more strict than I am about being out etc.
I said I'm not so sure about letting know those minor things. He said we should b/c if they are elsewhere and might need both of our support or help we should know. I said I'll have to think about it. He asked what the issue was- I said " we are coparenting, we aren't a family. As we go forward when I have them or when you have them we will be doing our own thing and I think social stuff like that is not necessary info to communicate all the time. Plus we won't be talking that often". He sat there for second and then said " I'm asking for you to let me know". I said I would think about it. Then he said " I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong or making bad decisions". I said " I don't think that, well maybe I do somewhat but that's not the whole issue". The conversation pretty much ended there.

I probably do feel he is judging me some- during his mean times he harped on my parenting and made me feel horrible. But it's not just that. It's also that I do t think those are details necessary to share if we are living separate lives. If they're going out of town with someone sure- but otherwise no.

Thoughts??

[Lifes Twists]

I am mixed on this one. My wife does not tell me anything. Problem has come up a few times that kids were with wife and I was free to GAL stuff. Things came up where the kids needed someone, or even had to go to emergency room, and wife was not answering her phone because she was on a date. I pretty much asked her to do the same as your H has. She still won't so it does put a crimp on how far I feel safe going away.

[Georgiabelle]

Daring,

I'm sorry you are in a difficult place. It's stressful enough during the holidays and dealing with these zany MLC peeps can add to the stress. I just have an observation and take it for what it is.

I get the impression that you are trying to *remind* your h that you aren't a family and are only co-parenting as a means to get him to rethink his decision. I understand you are hurt ( it sukks!!!!),however your h has to *feel* the difference. And honestly, maybe he will and maybe he won't.

I know you don't want a D and so does your h. I think bringing up the fact that you are no longer a *family* might actually be counter productive. Say nothing. Answer questions and move on. No assessment of the situation necessary because your h is the one who has to see it. It's like you are trying to keep reminding him things will be different. Not sure if I articulated that well.

In regards to the activities, you don't remind him you won't be talking much. Actions speak much, much louder than words. I don't think it's necessary to fill him in on everything, but illness, ER visits or anything like that is fair for discussion. Your h is a grown up. He can ask the kids their plans also.

Pull back. Focus on you and your kids. Don't worry about trying to "convince" your h this is s big deal and a mistake. You will be just fine.

Hang in there:-)

[daring]

LT thanks for your feedback. I understand what you are saying, however, whichever parent is " on duty" is expected to be available and answer phone if needed. In addition I would absolutely call H if an emergency came up or I needed his help. I guess it feels to me more like a control issue, like he's trying to keep tabs on things and/or interject his opinion in my decisions when I have the kids. I might not be looking at this right- I don't know. I feel like if we D and eventually have separate relationships with other people, I'm not going to be letting him know that level of detail on a daily basis. If he wants to separate our family- that's the reality.

[daring]

Georgiabelle you are absolutely right- I am trying to get him to see how it will be different. Thank you for calling that what it is.
I don't bring it up by itself, but if he wonders why something is happening the way it is and asks- I respond with that.
I guess instead of just saying " I don't feel that's necessary" I think I have to justify my decisions and plans. He used to think I was this amazing, wonderful person and mother. But since onset of MLC he has raked me over the coals- and I have let him take away my self esteem in the partner/mother dept. Lately he seems to backtracking from that and telling me again that I'm a good mom- but I still feel the sting of before. And I do want him to realize the consequences of his decision- we aren't in a partnership anymore!
I will pull back and let the actions speak what they need to.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi daring, I'm glad to hear you have been doing well.

He sat there for second and then said " I'm asking for you to let me know". I said I would think about it.

You know my wife and I don't have kids, but my question would be why would you not comply with this seemingly simple request? How would it hurt if you did? How may it help?

[daring]

FY- I guess I feel the underlying impetus isn't simple. I feel he is trying to control things and that he would argue or give me a hard time about some things. Maybe I'm mind reading but that's how I feel.
I also feel like if and when I moveon to a new relationship, I won't be texting my exH everytime one of our kids goes somewhere.

So to answer your question- it hurts b/c I think it helps him maintain contact and control.
It may help b/c he's asking me to and I would like to have a cooperative coparenting relationship.
Maybe I'm trying to be punitive b/c I feel I've asked for a lot of things that I haven't gotten ( like commitment to marriage vows).

I'll have to think on this a bit more....

[daring]

So today was IRS hearing day, we at least got an installment agreement though it's steep.

I journaled the following a few minutes ago:

IRS hearing today. H came too.
Went as well as it could. He seemed more calm- said it will work out- before we went in. Noticed my redness that I get when upset.
Lawyer kept pointing out what a great job I had done on all of this. That it went well b/c I had done so much prep and gathered documentation.
Afterwords lawyer said H did a good job not being aggressive he says he knows it's husbands instincts to protect their wives. Hmmmmm.
As we walked out I was about to go into parking garage. H seemed deep in thought, with his hand over mouth. H stopped and said- thank you for putting so much work into this. I said thank you for coming. He was looking deep into my eyes. Not the " foggy" look. Then he said we can sit down and figure out how much we will both pay- I don't want you to feel this is all on you. I said we will see once you get a job offer.
He hugged me and left.

I'm sure he will revert back to MLC ways but it was like for a brief moment he recognized all he was putting me through ( tax issue is b/c he was irresponsible and didn't file a couple of years or protect our interests when he started a company. I did 95% of the work for the hearing preparing extensive documents and going to lawyer meetings).

At least that piece is done and I have a plan- now back to regularly scheduled program of GAL for the week.

[job]

daring,
I'm sure you are very glad to have the IRS hearing behind you. At least now, you've got a good idea of what to expect and, i.e., installments, etc. I do hope that your h will step up to the plate and assist w/the payments once he's found another job.

How is your mother doing? What about you? Are you getting taking care of yourself?