I got 99 problems but an MLCer ain't one!

[job]

daring,
You are doing the best you can. You can't be super mom and balance all of the balls at once. Your mother's memory isn't good and she's going to say things like that. Some of the things she may say may hurt you, but don't take them personally because she really doesn't know what she's saying. Time for her is lost in so many ways. I do hope the "sundowners" will be better now that she's a bit better. My father developed that while in the hospital and it's something to deal with.

Your h sounds like the sitter ticking off everything that he and the kids did, right or wrong. As for the dog and cat, your h and the kids took care of cleaning up the mess. If you don't feel like decorating the tree, then let the kids do it while you sit on the couch w/your feet propped up. You don't have to go over board this year w/decorating. Keep things as simple as possible because you do have a lot of stuff going on.

Your h was uncomfortable and feeling guilty. He can't stand to be around people who are upset or ill. He doesn't know how to deal w/emotions such as comforting you because that old empathy chip is broken. It makes him uncomfortable to see the strong daring having some teary moments. I'm actually surprised he stayed as long as he did.

I do hope your son is feeling better soon. I do think that once you've had the IRS meeting, you'll feel a bit better.

If the tree doesn't have lights, so what. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Hang in there.

[daring]

Thanks Job- I missed your post until after my last one.
I am considering assisted living- will see how her recovery hoes but definitely better to have her nearby.

I definitely need to recharge my batteries- I am an emotional mess right now!

[daring]

And I must have been posting at the same time as your second post Job- thank you so much for the support. I'm trying not to take it personally and cognitively I understand that but I'm just emotionally exhausted. I'll try to take good care of myself and regroup.

If he's feeling guilty- that actually makes me feel better than thinking he doesn't care at all. And again, cognitively I know better but I'm just hurt.

That IRS hearing behind me will be a relief!!

And as for decorating the tree- I'm hanging the ornaments with the kids now. I actually enjoy this- just needed to regroup. Luckily I had already done lights and tinsel before I left!!

Thanks again for the support Job- it really means a lot.

[ForeverYoung]

Of course my mind is spinning- oh he prob feels bad or uncomfortable b/c he's about to dump the D papers on me, or b/c he doesn't really care about me, or b/c we are doing Christmas decorating tonight ( though the kids tell me he has a tree too).

I highly doubt he is about to dump papers on you. But so what if he is? You already know you'll be ok, right?

I texted an hour or so after he left " Thank you for your help today. I apologize if I made you upset- I don't know what other answer to give when you ask if I'll be ok- fine is pretty much the only choice I have. "

I know I probably shouldn't have- but I just couldn't leave it alone. He hasn't responded. Prob won't.

I don't think this was a mistake at all. You spoke from your heart, just like your husband has been doing. Besides, no one incident is going to make or break your marriage anyway.

Continue to be strong, daring. You got this.

[daring]

Thanks FY- you are right- I will be fine no matter what.

Feeling much better today- I slept in and caught up on much needed sleep. Then went to pay moms rent and get her mail. Came to check on her at rehab and she's hanging in there. Memory still terrible but the therapists and docs are awesome. If she's going to get better they will make it happen.
Doesn't hurt for me to be a doc in this health system either- the CEO for the rehab was at my hospital for awhile so I know him well and he's checking in on her. Makes me feel good to have caring admin to work with.

As far as H- I called this morning b/c I'm about to renew benefits and he's been on my insurance. I asked if he'd likd me to keep him in until he gets a job. ( he interviewed this morning with a good prospect, also said at this point he might just work at Home Depot- he has to figure something out). He said no- he thinks he'll have a job by Jan 1st. I asked if he was sure since it can't be renewed once enrollment closes and he said yes he will figure it out. He's trying very hard to be independent in a good way I think- part of his growing up process I guess.
I asked if he could be at my house Thurs when they install the new hot water heaters since I will be at work and he said yes.
Sometimes I feel bad that I'm asking him to do some of these things, like I'm using him and should just figure it out, but I really need the help and he seems to feel good when he can help so I'll just monitor.

One day at a time.....

[123Gwen]

Daring you are dealing with so much and adding the holidays to the mix is emotionally draining. Happy to hear Mom is back and settling in to rehab. Being a physician you are used to stress and multi-tasking and making sure everyone else is fine. Remember you can't help anyone else if you are not feeling strong.

Hope your week is smooth sailing and Mom continues to improve.

[daring]

Thanks 123Gwen- I definitely need to make sure I'm taking care of myself. Trying to eat well, sleep and exercise though I slip up some.

So this is going to be Merry F'ing Christmas. It appears the D papers are coming my way. H came by tonight so we could discuss schedule with kids next week. He asked about my mom. He seemed very bothered, like he needed to talk about something.
I was good- I let the silence sit. He eventually said he heard from the lawyer today that he would be getting a draft of the agreement. He gave all the info to them already apparently. We had discussed that we would determine the terms and just have lawyers review. He was VERY down appearing, like it wasn't something he really wanted. Said he would be probably filing for bankruptcy afterwords b/c he can't afford his portion of the debt.
Then he said- ok I'll get out of your way. I said " I didn't say anything". He said " yes but I see your face and I'm trying to respect you're hurt". I said it doesn't matter if you leave or not- the situation is the same.

We chatted a little more about kids Christmas presents. I asked if he wanted to do Christmas together b/c his finances are poor and he said no- I believe him as he was very sincere.
Then he said " do you need anything- other than to not have anymore chit dumped on you" I said " pretty much, yeah". And then I said " would be nice to have someone to help with the chit too". He said if you need more help with anything you need to speak up. I responded yes I could use more help but I don't think it's appropriate to ask. He said ok, well if you need help or need to talk to someone I'm here.
I said I don't think that's very healthy. He seemed very bothered again and said- " For who?" I said not healthy for me. That gave him quite a bit of pause.
Then I said- I can't reconcile the two situations in my head- D but still going to you for support. He said ok, again bothered. I said I'll figure it out on my own and if my thoughts on it change I appreciate your offer.
He then chatted more about kids. This is obviously a very tortured decision for him. I was teary but maintained my composure. I even stayed in living room afterwords while he was helping D13 with homework.

So as FY pointed out the other day- I will be ok. This is not my fault nor would the things I could have done better prevented his crisis. He clearly still wants a relationship with me but isn't capable right now. Maybe I'll still be around after D if and when he gets to the point of wanting an R, or maybe not. I'll take care of me however I need too.

Big ole GAL week coming up!!

[Lifes Twists]

Daring, I am in same boat as you. My lawyer called with the news last night that the divorce agreement has been worked out. He is only working on the agreement for me since he fell flat on follow up. Long and short is that he asked if I would be good with finalizing things in court next week.

My thoughts on things go like this right now. They say on this board time after time that the old marriage is dead and that what comes out will be a new marriage. So, I am seeing the D as a final closure on the old marriage. If we both want something in the future it will be a new marriage.

My hopes are my wife will have to face reality for herself and maybe find out that happiness comes from within. Right now she is still fixated on me being her problem and happiness will be there once she gets rid of me. The funny thing is that she has left so many openings in the divorce agreement to have contact with me. makes me wonder what will happen on her end down the road.

So, try to look at this as the closing off of the old marriage opening the way to new possibilities.

[job]

daring,
I'm very sorry to hear that the papers are coming your way at this time while you are dealing w/so much stuff. Hopefully they won't come before the holidays, but the mlcer tends to have stuff sent around the times that are suppose to be special such as holidays, etc.

Please, please take care of yourself. You are under a lot of stress and need to find some time to recharge your batteries.

[CaliGuy]

Daring ... just caught up on your sitch

Yeah .. thats a boat load, and especially during this time its just ... well .. Chitty!

Does seem there is some struggle there, along with guilt. Does not make things easier for you but I do sense some feelings still there, and yeah the more I am in this MLC sitch the more I have come to realize that old M we all had prior to BD .. has been Hiroshima'd to oblivion. And we are all just trying to get our ears to stop ringing and figure out how to rebuild. I am slowly learning to change my focus, aim it on me and my S and let the MLC'r be and get through that journey alone.

What will be will be ... we can no longer help them. You are a very strong individual ... you have handled this all with such grace and class ... that's what you can hang your hat on.

Thoughts and prayers going to you