The Silver Lining

[AJM]

Mighty, what a difference a day makes. I mean that. Today it was like this, tomorrow? Well, let's live tomorrow when it comes, right?

You have no idea how lucky you are to have your exh show up and do that for the kids. I'm happily surprised he at least made that effort. If nothing else, kudos to him for doing that. Many here would have killed (anyone) for that moment in our own families.

That said, UR is right - you are all three bound to spin and test and not trust. Everyone wants "normalcy" to return to their lives.

Then she asked me if we could be friends. I said that we could be cordial. Then she asked, if he left hww, if I would take him back.

That's a good indication of where your D is as well. What kid doesn't want their parents together? Watch it if she doesn't get her way, right?

Your son too. He may eventually view this as something that "worked" to get his dad's attention.

It's a great first step for them. I hope for their sake that it lasts. Let it sit and stew. This watched pot won't boil if you watch it

Wait and see with no expectations is my suggestion.

AJ

[uRworthy]

M, I was kinda talking about the more raw comments..about her. I get it that it was all adrenaline, but, thats not who you want to be.

The thing is that you want him to be in your kids' lives. You want to have a working relationship with him. So now you said it all. He heard it, right? He knows how you feel.

I know you are enraged at her. I just think you are giving her so much power over your life. She took enough. Dont keep giving her more.

They did what they did. It was a really terrible thing to do. Holding onto all of that crap doesnt serve you well. It keeps you stuck in it. It stops you from moving forward. It allows you to feel the pain over and over again.

It wont happen overnight. It is a process...letting go. You are on your way. I just dont want all of this to stop you from it. You are worth way too much.

[Mighty]

BINGO! AJ! I certainly hope s17got the acknowledgment he needed. I hope they both take steps in the right direction. I was very happy we were able to pull together. I'm just gonna keep movin.

Weird thing... I didn't eat what xh got me. I had eaten so kids did. Then I felt badly for not acknowledging his gesture. I felt like a b. I did send a simple thanks tonight. No response, but I wasn't expect I of anything. But I feel like it made me look weak. That sounds like a b, and I can't win. But I kind of wish I hadn't. Dumb, I know. It's whatev...

No contact was easier. But coparenting is easier than going it alone- especially w forgiveness.

UR- gotcha.... I get it. Why do I feel it necessary for xh to see reality? That's what overtakes me. Her thinking things are great and not give a $hit that my kids are suffering. Momma bear stuff, ya know?!

I'm trying!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TSquared2]

UR- gotcha.... I get it. Why do I feel it necessary for xh to see reality? That's what overtakes me. Her thinking things are great and not give a $hit that my kids are suffering. Momma bear stuff, ya know?!

My guess? Because it would validate your and your kids experience.

Yeah, I want that too...

[uRworthy]

M, you cant force him to see reality. I know you think if you find the right combination of words, it is going to make a difference.

I remember feeling that way, too. If I just say this in that way, then he will see.

The truth is that he knows what he did. He does. Whether he is ready to look that squarely in the eye yet, I dont think so.

The thing is that you have no idea of her mindset. And what would it get you if she realizes? How will that help you? It wont undo whats been done.

She does not matter. Ok, I know she matters in that she will be in your children's lives, but, whether she feels one way or the other, doesnt matter.

What does matter is you. What matters is that you become who you want to be. What matters is that your children see that you are ok and that they have a relationship with their dad.

My son was 16 when this all happened and I will never forget these words from him after sometime had passed. "Mom, thank you for allowing me to live my life because I knew you were ok. Thank you for showing me how strong we both are for letting go of the hurt in order for me to have a relationship with my dad."

At the end of the day, M, that was what mattered to me. That I could look back at this time in my life and be proud of how I acted. That I got my son through this and did nothing to interfere with his relationship with his dad. That I grew and let go and moved forward.

What happened succked. No way around that. But dont let it define your life or your children's lives. She and your h have to deal with what they have done. You cant want that for them.

You can only control you and your words and actions.

Who do you want to see when you look back?

What do you want to show your children?

[Ss06]

Mighty,

I am sitting here with my mouth wide open and marveling at your grace under fire, your strength, your growth in action, your solid frame of mind and incredible depth. All I can say is wow. I don't imagine there are many women on this planet who can weather all you've weathered and still be able to be someone's confirmation sponsor, pull s17 up by his britches, stand solid for d13 and extend forgiveness to xh. I am speechless.

Can I ask you a question? In all of this, how are you caring for YOU. I ask for selfish reasons... I find when I feel strongest it's because I'm successful at being all for others... How do you balance self care into all you're managing right now?

[Mighty]

Thanks, T. At least I'm not alone. Doesn't mean it's right for me, but it is a real feeling I have.

uR, you make me wanna cry!!!! I know you are so right. I know. I just don't know how to do this!!!! I have made baby steps, but I get these flashes of pure rage and disgust. I just want to make her... I don't know... pay or something.

But wait... I just had a moment... I put you and AJ together. OK, you are giving me the- ok, you can do this, it's not worth it, you are better than that. Then I could hear AJ's voice (which is weird that I hear it sometimes, even though I've never actually heard it..) and he is saying to me, Ask yourself, Mighty, do you want her to pay? Or is it something else? Best bet is to figure that out. Maybe once you know, it will be easier to lay to rest. She has no idea, she is in her own world. Will it really matter to her what you do or say? Does it matter to you what she thinks?

So, I have the words of uR and AJ married in my mind. (Sorry, AJ, not trying to put words on your fingers...)

Maybe this is a step. These are the questions and thinking I need to have to focus on me and my mental boundary of keeping her out of my emotional space.

I used Ellie's stop sign today. It helped.

This will be a lot of work, uR. But sometimes when it clicks, it clicks.

Thanks for helping me find strength.

[Mighty]

Ss, that is really sweet! And, I am quite surprised... I feel like a hot mess, then other times I just feel numb and going through the motions. Actually, I feel like that a lot of the time.

To tell you the truth, I really don't have any real answers about taking care of me, as I said, I kind of got through the motions a lot of the time.

However, I will share with you. And, for some reason, I just wanted to add, that we are the same age. I guess the more similarities, the more you relate. Even though, we are all connected in some cyber-weird way because we find security, safety, and hope here. The irony, right...

After bd, I was a mess. For quite a long time. I didn't eat, sleep, couldn't think, didn't go anywhere except to work and kids' activities. And it was a severely long, dark, and cold winter, which didn't help. It took about 6 months before I started to pick myself up. I was an active reader of the site, but wasn't yet posting.

I started to find some grounding around May, then was nuked the first week of July. I went totally numb. I went that week to get ad. I didn't know how I was going to cope. But, I realize I had gained some real good inner strength and tools during my previous recovery from bd.

So what I did, to help with pma, gal, and that stuff. Well, I did yoga, ran (which I haven't done much since nuke), read a lot, utilized this site like crazy.

I read my daily inspirational app every morning before I get out of bed, pray, find peace in the small things. I take the time to enjoy things I wouldn't have with xh here. Make decisions on my own that are for me.

A big one is that I take care of myself much better that before. I wasn't a disaster or anything, but I was always taking care of everyone, and honestly, I felt put down and not good enough. I felt guilty for taking any time for me. I never liked to spend money on myself. Xh controlled all the money, and was very selfish about it. So now, I get things for myself and it feels good. I cut my hair, it was always really long. Now I have a trendy shoulder length cut (yesterday I went for a cut and the other stylists were making comments about how hot it looked).

I have taken trips. Nothing too extravagant, but I get away whenever I can. I have taken the kids on several road trips. The first couple were sad for me, not to have xh nor to have him to talk to. I was pretty quiet as I drove for hours, but I always enjoyed myself. It has become much easier.

I have done lots of things I wouldn't have with xh. I relax. I never really did that with him. I always worked a ton and we always worked like crazy around the house. People thought we were nuts. Now, I take time to enjoy things.

Lots of mental discussions. LOTS!!!! Made new friends. Gone out with friends. Attended all the kids events with my head high. Started watching Joel Osteen w s17 (he doesn't like to go to church with me and has questioned his faith, but I have gotten him to watch that, even though I never had. He actually likes it, and it is pretty uplifting.)

I have found more compassion for others. It makes me feel good to feel more deeply for them and take more time to be sincere.

So, Ss, I hope you aren't sorry you asked! I don't know if that will help, but it is part of what my journey has been.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope I can help you any way I can. This ain't easy.

[AJM]

My guess? Because it would validate your and your kids experience.

Yeah, I want that too...

For a very long time, I wanted that as well. Now? Not nearly as much. I don't know that I would even find it a nice thing or helpful in the least. I think at first I wanted to know I wasn't crazy. Being near crazy is tough. Crazy is infectious. Worse than the flu. But I needed to be heard. I needed to know that I wasn't imagining things. I even went so far as to journal and make my ex only communicate via email/text for a long time. The reason was two-fold - I needed distance and I needed a record. Why? Because even now she doesn't remember saying those things. I don't throw them back at her or anything, but it helps me stay grounded and not waste time revisiting what I heard to make sure it was what, indeed, I heard.

This board and my friends have been incredibly helpful. My family? Not nearly as much because they don't get it. They get part of it, but they don't get the whole picture, ya know? Nobody outside of here and two of my friends has experienced anything even remotely similar. The re-remembering, the anger, the spew, the leaving of the kids, the fighting to keep the kids from me, the accusations, the "I never loved you speech", etc. Things I couldn't make up, but that people would only think happen in the movies or romance novels. I don't even think my ex is ready to believe that stuff.

As UR and many others have said - my ex will when she's ready. Not a moment before. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I want her to. I see no purpose unless it is to help her figure herself out. Doubtful she'll go through that. Not likely her h will either (OM).

To be honest, I gave up on that idea. I found it freeing, once I could satisfy my thinking that I may be the crazy one or the cause of the trauma-drama.

At first the actions of letting that go were difficult. We have kids together so there has been some necessary interactions. Her way of doing that is to attack first and then be nice after (like bi-polar but not quite). Once I got to a point where I just had nothing to say, it was very freeing. But to be honest, I didn't do it because I wanted to. I did it because I just had nothing more to give/say to her.

What I didn't realize was that the actions were not important. The reasons behind them were. Letting go of the anger and resentment and annoyances was important. Letting go of those feelings became so important nothing was going to stand in my way. And I mean nothing.

What I realized was that although annoying from time to time (when she tries to be), it makes absolutely no difference what I think of either of them. None. I may as well spit in the wind. Although I keep an eye on the behavior, I do so more for protection than anything else. She seems to have transferred her anger to him (not her directing at him; he carries that torch and doesn't let her forget it). It's odd, but it is how things are.

After a while, I did not need her validation of what happened. I was there and I know. And I let it go because my life is my life. She chose to leave it and that's enough for me.

I dislike how she treats the kids. But I am incredibly grateful that she is in their lives. She left them at one point. She missed most of their growing up due to this trauma-drama. And while I'm sad for my kids in that regard, they still have a chance to have a relationship with her. I worked hard early on so they could. Some of my less proud moments of manipulation of my ex and her h. But I'm glad I did.

At the end of the day, I'm me and she's.. well, she's her. We're the parents of the kids and that's all there is to that. The kids deserve to have their parents and have unhindered access and a relationship with both parents. If I can help in that regard, I will help my kids. And I don't need to worry about what I say or do or feel when I do it. I just do it.

Once you let go, you no longer second-guess yourself nor your actions. You can BE. You can ACT. You can LIVE your life. What others do becomes less important as long as they don't cross reasonable boundaries. I'm still their father

AJ

P.S. I doubt my fingers sound anything like UR, but honestly I'm honored to be paired with her voice even if I don't measure up. She's a wise cookie. Me? I'm just an ignorant, happy child in adult clothing

[Mighty]

Another day of... hmmm.... what would I call this.... obscurity?

Xh contacted me many times today. We seem to be on good communicating terms. I still keep it minimal. He did respond this morn to my thank you.

Then, very different... after he brought d13 home, he came to the door and wanted to talk to me. Seriously, this is so weird. This hasn't happened since like April. He asked if we could sit together at s17's football banquet tomorrow. Gulp. I guess he arranged a ticket for himself (I don't think s17 knows). I was quiet for a moment, but I told him that I would be cordial for the kids, but that I really can't be friends with him. That he made a choice and it was difficult for me, but I would be fine communicating for the kids. I told him that as long as he is with her, I just can't find a way to find a friendship. (That is my reality. I know, because of what I feel for her is unhealthy for me, and I can't constantly be reminded of that.)

He said, "We will talk." and left.

I really have no idea what this guy is thinking. He seems to have some kind of plan. I don't have a clue what it is. Truly.

BUT.... I really try not to think about it. My thinking has not changed for me. At all. I just watch out of the corner of my eye, but still focus on my path. And the great thing for me.... I have control of my emotions when I hear from him. For so long I would have these shooting emotions when I would see he was communicating. Shaking, sweating, nervous, freaking out, crazy, crazy stuff. Now, it's like no sweat. At all. I don't even think twice.

Oh yeah, he mentioned that he emailed me. I kind of laughed and said, "Oh, I blocked you." He was like, "What? Well how have you gotten them before?" I told him that I blocked him after he sent that crazy email to my work. He asked how; I said I did it in the settings. And that was that.