Wife Still in MLC but has now left #7

[Matt165]

Thanks everyone,
Well, the interview today was with all the people I would be working with if I get the job. There are 5 others that are the "core" group (the ones I met with) and then 2 recent hires that weren't part of the meeting. Spent an hour with them asking questions about me, why I want to work there, what my ideas about how to deal with people when "selling", etc. It went really well! They all seemed to like me and my answers seemed to be the ones that they wanted to hear. After it was over, the owner got there and said that he is trying to figure out how to arrange things as all his offices are full right now (a very good sign), that he would talk to the others and ask about their impressions of me and get back to me in the next few days. He also thanked me for the note I sent. Here's a hint for anyone out there looking for a job....always send a thank you note after a first interview. So many people don't bother nowadays and it really does make a difference. So, looks like I have a very good chance of getting the job. Still not counting on it until he offers but all signs point that way.

I also spoke with a client today and may have another sale. Neither one is certain just yet but both seem like they are going to go ahead and do it. I really need them to as I'm out of money and need to pay my bills. My electric is late enough that I could be shut off (only 2 weeks but they are really hard a$$es around here and I once got it shut off because I forgot to pay the bill before I left for a 2 week vacation!) and my internet/phone is hanging by a thread! I hate living this way. I never can relax as I never know if today is the day something happens like my electric getting shut off! I will need to wait until the checks clear if I do make a sale so I'm hoping I can get them to move soon but not push so much I lose the sale. Hard position to be in.

D14 called me just now. We are in the middle of a cold wave (not as bad as poor Heather with 6 feet of snow!) but really cold for this area. It's been well below freezing the past 10 days in the morning. Well, seems D14 needs a ride to school as her mom isn't "able" to take her and she would have to walk the 2 miles if I don't. I wasn't going in the office in the morning tomorrow so wouldn't be going past D14. I told her this but she was really upset and I just don't like her walking in the morning with traffic and being cold and her being 14 and not paying attention! So, I told her I would just drive down and take her to school. I warned her that if I get this new job I won't be able to take her when she's with her mom. That's one of the reasons I said yes. I want her to know I will be there for her if I can and soon I won't be able to do this for her anymore. I still don't know what my W thinks is going to happen over Thanksgiving and I have no money right now and that scares me, a lot!

Thanks everyone for the good vibes. Hopefully I'll hear soon about the job. I really need some good news. More than that I need the sales to go through so I can live to fight another month. Now, if I could get both........

[AJM]

Best of luck on both!

For what it's worth, just because her mom and dad are no longer married doesn't keep you from being her dad. Dad's do stuff like take their daughter's to school. Just be careful to not make it about her mom - your daughter has enough going on to not be part of the fight, right? (I'm not saying you are, but it's an easy line to fall over where you're walking, amigo).

AJ

[Matt165]

Thanks AJ,
I'm always careful never to even ask about why her mom isn't able to take her. I make sure to keep it about her and only her. Things would be so much easier if W hadn't moved so far. Had listened and not just dismissed me when I asked her not to move so far with D14. At the time W just acted as if anything I said was just my trying to stop her from getting what she wanted. That's one of the hardest things about dealing with someone in MLC, they just can't seem to think past getting what they want at that moment. But what's done is done, now I just need to make the best of the sitch. I don't see any use in placing blame now. Definitely not what D14 needs at this time. Thanks for checking in!

[Wonka]

Matt,

I hope you DO GET the job! Sending you positive vibes.

Is there any way that your D can get a ride from a school friend's mom/dad or a school staff member? Ask your D about that. There has to be a better way other than having you to drive a long way just to drop D off at school.

[Matt165]

Hi Wonka!
It's hard for me to know since unlike the past, I don't really know any other parents since I live so far. W hasn't met any of D14's friends or parents as of yet and if things stay the same as history she won't. One of the things that was really hard when she went into MLC was how she just refused to socialize with other parents or even take D14 to events like parties or sleep overs so she didn't really know the other parents. I, on the other hand did get to know them all rather well since I was always the one taking her. I'm sure once I start to go to D14's events I'll met up with some of the other parents and may be able to arrange something on days that her mom doesn't take her.

I know W's thoughts and priorities are her own and she can decide for herself what is important and what isn't but I just don't get how unimportant she seems to think D14's needs are. this morning I found out from D14 her mom is wanting her to do something with her and her father and his W for Thanksgiving. D14 is NOT happy about that and would rather go to see her sister with me. She said that when she told her mom this W got upset and started going on about how her sister is messing up and how she shouldn't be living where she is ect. D14 said that she took her sisters side and told her that if she moved she would most likely move in with me. That the fact that she wouldn't even have her own space at her mom's would be hard. That her sister is working hard and going to school where she is now and that she couldn't do that if she did what her mom wants. She said she thinks she won the argument because her mom got really quiet but then she went back to saying how she is just "wrong". I just held my tongue and listened and validated, never said a word about her mom. (not easy but I did it).

Well, what I don't get is I thought her father was too sick to travel but now is coming for TG? How my W knows that I would like D14 to come with me and said that so far she was fine with that. I guess she changed her mind again, oh, well. Should have expected it wouldn't be easy. Not something I can think about now. I really need to just keep working on making money and getting the new job!

[Wonka]

Matt,

Have you thought about the possibility that this is probably FIL's last Thanksgiving? I wouldn't be surprised if his cancer has advanced to the point that he may have weeks or just few months left to live. Please try to have some compassion despite his not-so stellar background as a father and grandfather.

[Matt165]

Wonka,
You would be surprised at the amount of compassion I have forced myself to show this man. The problem is he is mean and says hurtful things to my D's. He never cared to see them or acknowledge that they existed until after W left. I now am watching my D's mother treat them EXACTLY like he treated my W all her life. He has taught his D how to act unless they do what she wants them to do. This is his MO. Unless your kids do what YOU decide they should do you ignore them and insult them to their faces. I can't tell you how he would say the most hurtful things to my W, in front of me and her own kids, things that weren't even true but that he knew would hurt. It's his way of controlling everyone around him. The last time my D14 was with my W and him she was in tears the next day telling me how she hates the way her mother acts when he is around. She becomes just like him, insulting, superior, down right mean.

I think you get the wrong idea. HE doesn't even want to see my D's. It's my W that wants the girls to somehow see him differently. The problem is he has no desire to have a relationship with them. What he wants is to control W. D14 has gone through enough this last year, she should decide where she wants to go and who she wants to see. If I thought that her being there for TG would make this dying man happy I would tell my D14 to gut it out. It won't and all that will happen is more of the same. I know that sounds really cruel of me but it really isn't. If I thought that FIL wanted to try and change the way things are between his grandkids and himself that would be different. He doesn't and he won't and all it will do is add another rotten memory of D14's GF to all the others she has now.

I do have compassion for my W. I know that she will be so devastated when he does die. She wants so badly to somehow find the love and respect from him that she always craved but never got. Of course no one can make up for 40 years of being awful in the time they have left. W has held out hope since I've known her that she could find a way to "earn" his love and respect. When he is gone, that chance is now gone forever. That will be so hurtful for her. I pray that she and him find someway to relate before he is gone...for both their sakes.

[Wonka]

Matt,

I am not getting the wrong idea.

It is my sense that your W wants D14 around FIL for TG as she is feeling really desolate and desperate that she's losing him. In her mind, she wants D14 and D19 to spend this TG as W thinks that FIL will die fairly soon and she can then mentally check off the box in her head that she made the effort to corral girls around to spend his last TG together.

Unfortunately, it will not surprise me to learn later that W will most likely fall apart after FIL dies. It seems to me that she is so fragile that she would DO whatever it takes to imitate her father as a way to gain his approval. That is their dynamic to live out. It is their R.

Yes, I am not saying that it's okay for your daughters to be around this man for they've been vocal about it. Too bad that D14 doesn't have much sway in this since you and W are the "adults" with a car.

Ride this out. It will be over in not the too distant future.

I wonder if FIL has experienced rapid weight loss in the last few weeks and exhibiting some weakness in walking. If this is indeed the case, this means that the cancer has spread out pretty far and there isn't much left.

[Matt165]

Thanks Wonka, you are right. I see the same dynamic as you with W.
He is living at MD Anderson and getting treatment (chemo mostly) that they say is "working" in that the tumors are getting smaller. My W said that once they get to a certain size (smaller) they will remove them. The problem is that the chemo is causing him to be sick. Many side effects and they have had to stop at times to allow him to get stronger then start the chemo back up. He has lost as much weight as I think he possibly can. He has been in and out of ICU several times in the last month, all because of the side effects of the treatment. Of course once they are ready to remove the tumors, he has to be strong enough to have the surgery to get them out. At this point, it's the treatment that is killing him more than the cancer itself. Of course, without the chemo it would have grown too large to remove at all in time so it's a choice of which poison.

I don't know Wonka. To be honest I have such mixed feelings. Part of me has watched this man hurt so many people including my best friend and W over so many years. He has totally destroyed his only son, hurt my MIL, a person I know to be such a good hearted, caring individual. He has pushed my W for years to leave her M and family until, once she was in crisis, she listened. He has lived a selfish life and hurt so many of the very people he had responsibility toward (like his own kids) and has shown no remorse for his actions. At the same time he is my W's father and a fellow human being. It's just so hard to find compassion for him especially now when I'm struggling just to make it in large part because of him and his actions and the effect they had on my W from the time she was 10 years old.

If my W hadn't left, if we weren't getting a D, what would my attitude be toward my kids spending TG with him? Would I back my W and say that they should as this may be his last? If that is the case and I believe it to be, then I need to put aside any other considerations and back that plan. I don't know. Just one more thing to have to think about.

In other news my D14 texted asking if a 16 year old boy she likes can take her home after school. My first thought was no but I thought it's only 2 miles (I don't think she should be driving with a kid with so little experience). So, I told her only if he takes her right home, that they go no where else, that he NOT be there alone with her, etc. I added that she needed to also get her mom's approval as well. Well, she texted back that her mom just said no and gave no reason and asked if I would try and change her mom's mind. I told her that wasn't my place and that her mom is just, like me, worried about her driving with someone so young and inexperienced.

Well, I got a text from W...
W: D14 says you think it's fine that boy drive her home? Fact or fiction.

M:Not true. I told her that I didn't think she should be driving with someone so inexperienced. I told her IF he only took her the short drive home and that was all it might be OK. She read more into it than was there. I also backed you saying that you didn't want her driving with someone so inexperienced. She is just wanting to get her way.

W: Was hoping that was the case. I told her all the same stuff except that it's not ok even a short distance. It's wet out and he is inexperienced.

M: I agree especially if it's wet. (Went on to say I told her a bunch of "If only's" which was dumb as I had already said that! I also told her that I thought it was a rule that at 16 in TX you can't drive with minors not related to you.)

W: I think flat out no is better (At this point I should have ended this exchange but didn't..dang it!)

M: You're probably right. At that age they have a way of forgetting what they agree to.

W: It was our rule that D19 not drive with (BFF at age 16) until she had more experience. Though there may be a law.

M: I'll look it up. Would be nice if it was a law. Makes sense as young drivers are so easily distracted.

End of exchange. Well, I guess I'm glad W just didn't go ahead and let D14 do whatever she wanted. I'm a little ticked that she would think I would just say it was fine and over rule her. Didn't like the tone of her first text either. Next came D14 asking if she can go on a "date" with this guy next week while they are off for TG holiday. I texted only if he doesn't drive and they meet where ever it is they go and also what the plans are. Movie or something is fine, party or something like that, not so much. She's only 14 and he's 16. I hate this parenting by text message. I so wanted to be able to be there together as a family for these kind of things. I hate MLC!

[Lifes Twists]

Where I live its 1 year before new driver can legally carry someone other than family member and for first 6 months they cannot carry anyone unless parent is in the car. So, I used the rule both ways in that I did not allow my daughters to ride with someone until they had at least one year of driving experience. I also think 14 is really to young to be driven around by a boy.