I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Thanks CaliGuy and hi Gwen- thanks for stopping by also!

It's hard, but I am continuing to let him be to figure out his own stuff. I know if I don't leave him alone to get through this there can't be a restored M as a possible ending to this story.

I had a phenomenal time with my old HS friend yesterday and today. We realized we hadn't actually seen each other in 24 yrs- crazy how we can lose touch with people we were so close to!
We stayed up until the wee hours drinking wine, reminiscing, and exchanging thoughts on our situations ( she is having marriage issues also). What's beautiful about our friendship is that we reconnected like it was no time at all AND we listened and pondered and offered thoughts but no " you shoulds" when it came to discussing our sitchs. Just trying to understand and make sense of our own messed up pasts and those of our Hs and how does this all fit into what we want from life.
I get so tired of people who tell me what to do and why am I staying etc, that it was just so nice to hang with someone who could just be there in the moment with me and not have to advise me.
We have promised to make at least an annual but preferably semiannual visit with each other.

Tomorrow I scheduled a spa day for myself. Then it's conference time.

[daring]

General update-
I've had a nice break this week. Feeling less angry, more grounded, but still some sad moments. Great to reconnect with old friend, had an awesome massage, and the conference has been outstanding!

Tonight I started reading back through all my journaling since BD. It's very interesting- I can see H's cycling patterns, my cycling patterns, and many of the triggers other than our M that sometimes push H back into the tunnel. I could also see how the issues gradually moved from me and M being the problem to him realizing that most of this is his stuff. Nice to see forward motion by reviewing all if this.
My journaling has been much less the last two months b/c I have significantly backed off. I'm letting him take his journey and figure out his chit. It's hard not knowing what's going through his head, but I think before I was enabling him to not face his fears by still keeping things essentially the same for him.
I think his awakening happened when he became suicidal in January. Best I can tell he is now in withdrawal and maybe " peeking" out of the tunnel. He is reconnecting with the kids. Not as much with family ( trying but he thinks they hate him).

In any case- I am not stage obsessed or trying to predict- I more wanted to look at " the year in review" and see where progress has occurred in both of us. I'm actively working on " inner child" healing and this was a nice way also to see how I respond to things and how that's changed over time.

Keep trying to tell myself the journey is the reward........

[Shining]

Tonight I started reading back through all my journaling since BD. It's very interesting- I can see H's cycling patterns, my cycling patterns, and many of the triggers other than our M that sometimes push H back into the tunnel. I could also see how the issues gradually moved from me and M being the problem to him realizing that most of this is his stuff. Nice to see forward motion by reviewing all if this.

I completely relate to this on so many levels. I, too, am enabling H to not look inward, every time I see him or make myself so readily available. I'm getting here....slowly. Your post is encouraging for me. Thanks, daring.

And I agree, the journey is the reward. You are well on your way.

[daring]

Thanks Shining- I hear you!

So I just got knocked into crazy..... I'm spending day with the kids going to a play and D13 casually mentions that she wants to do yoga. But she doesn't want to do it with daddy who is going to have someone come to his house 2-3 times per week. WTF??? S16 and S8 knew about it too.
Of course none of them think anything of it.
Meanwhile- I am an emotional wreck! Because I know him all too well- he is feeling empty, he is still working on himself, and if some single chic comes to his apt to teach him yoga and the kids aren't there??? He is going to f¥€k her!!
He can't help himself right now b/c he is desperate for attention to validate his empty self worth.

So luckily I have a few hours to calm down first while watching the play. But I know I have to say something- I won't be able to leave it alone. And I feel like I need to say this- " If you are thinking of sleeping with or dating someone else, than I would appreciate out of respect to me you completing the paperwork first.

Thoughts???

I needed to add that H has never done yoga in his life nor has he ever been interested and I seriously doubt he is turning over a new leaf!

[Georgiabelle]

Daring,

I don't always post to your thread but I do follow along. I think a comment like that to your h would be a preemptive strike and the reality is that you can't control what he does. There is a great deal of speculation in that post including the yoga teacher would automatically do the humpy schlumpy with a student. Let's slow our roll.

Relax. I know you love h and want to save the M. The reality is you need to let him go. You can only control you- not what he says, thinks or does. And you know that!

Hang in there. Keep the focus on you, the kids, and congrats on that honor again.

[daring]

Georgiabelle- thank you! You are so so right. Lots of assumptions in there.
Unfortunately I have an idea who it might be and if so the " humpy schlumpy" ( I totally love the term!) is more likely as its someone I think might crush on him a little. But it may not be her. And if it is, well, can't do much about it as you said.
Clearly this is more about me and my insecurities and self worth, and childhood history, and so forth.....

So you will be proud to know that I STFU when I saw him. Had to swing by his apt after the play to pick up some things for the kids. I prayed on the drive- ALOT!! And I wasn't sure which direction God was leading me about the issue other than the very large 2X4 that came down with a loud "DON'T" attached to it.

So we went in and H knows me so well so he said- Are you ok? I said no not really but I will be. He sat down on the couch near me, and kept looking at me like he clearly wanted to talk and ask me more- I looked over and innocently said "what?" He shook his head and said " nothing". I think he was afraid to ask and I'm glad b/c that way the duct tape stayed in place

So after I got back to my house I texted him b/c I forgot to give him his mail. Said I would hold it till he's back from traveling midweek. He said thanks- then texted sorry for whatever was stressing you. I texted back saying thanks was just a rough day. Then he sent back- apparently made rougher by seeing me.
I didn't want him to think I didn't want to be around him so I chose my words carefully and texted back- no it was not made worse at all. Just hard.

Hopefully he will think it was the play that got me upset b/c it's the Broadway version of my favorite movie Dirty Dancing, which already makes me cry and now with my sitch the romance is even harder to watch.

And that's that. I did it for now- didn't lose my mind and say something stupid- yay me! Hopefully the next 24hrs won't be a different story.

[daring]

So I managed not to say anything about the yoga teacher until last night when H brought it up. S8 wanted to face time him and after talking to him handed the phone to me. We chatted for a few minutes about travel schedules and thenH asked if he could borrow D13 for a little while the next night. I said sure what do you have going on? He said he and D13 were going to start doing yoga. I said yeah I heard that your girlfriend I mean yoga teacher is going to come over. ( I know, shouldn't have, but he was being somewhat old H and so humor worked). He said " she's not a girlfriend" and laughed. I told him I don't see him being into yoga. He said " I'm not, but I have to do something to help my tight muscles and get more flexible". Then he added " Especially if I'm going to date a yoga teacher" and laughed. ( yes I know I deserved that one). I told him thanks for sharing that- he said he was joking. And seemed like he really was.
So I feel better about re whole issue. And today in IC I worked on some of the issues that led me to go nutso when I heard about the yoga teacher. Did some EMDR and have some homework to do.

Glad I have this place to vent. Keeps me from losing my cool with H.
I just wonder when my emotions won't feel like a dam^ hurricane that keeps changing course and intensity level!

[CaliGuy]

Daring ... yeah .. I can see how the Yoga thing could set you off, I have been there. You allow yourself to go to crazy vill but then have to have the outer body experience and realize is this really going to happen? The fact he invites D13 ... Good thing ... the fact he joked about it when you tossed the "girlfriend" at him .. another good thing ... if there was any truth to it ... I doubt he would have handled it that way ya know?

Curious ... the EMDR stuff .. how does that work? W started it a month or so ago, I am just curious and dare not ask her anything personal of the sorts ... I read up on it some but still do not understand it. Do you find it helps you?

[daring]

Cali-

Yes the joking helped to decrease the concern about it- though I need to let him go more for sure.

The EMDR- I find it really helps me a lot. The thought is that the eye movements or hand tappers ( I think there are other ways to do it but these are what my therapist uses) basically distract the conscious mind and allow for accessing the subconscious and feelings and memories that were stored in an unhealthy way or that incite certain reactions. Then by continuing to free associate thoughts and memories ( that often do not seem related or to make sense, but the brain " gets it") the thoughts and feelings are rewired and stored in a healthier way. Many times, including today, what I come up with seems a far cry from the issues I'm dealing with. But I leave there feeling better.

The area it has been most studied is PTSD, which makes sense- trying to reframe the trauma in the brain so associations aren't so debilitating.

The one other thing to know is the rewirong process continues at a subconscious level. So your W may be more sensitive to weird things ( ie that window rolling down motion that upset her).

[CaliGuy]

NOW ya tell me .... lol

I too need to let go more too... Realizing its my own fear of losing her completely has actually helped ... because I realized the W I am letting go of is not one I really want right now anyways .. I was holding on to the one I remember, yanno .. the nice one. I see a glimpse now n then ... but till I see more of that one I must let the zombie go. Looking big picture, if the MLC said today .. ok sorry I am back in the M we both know as much as we would love to say "About time get in here" it would last a few hours and off they go again. There is a good deal of damage to repair, and this will not be done before they get off the MLC gravel road and decide to take the paved one home, or to where ever they would rather go.