I know that feeling all to well. After last night's spewing session i woke up this morning just void of any emotion. Scary part about that is, nature abhors a void and will usually fill it pretty darn quick and to the brim.
You got this. Hang tight.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
[quote=rppfl Right now I'm trying to look at the S as a gift of time to figure out what I want. Because if he said next week he wanted to move back in, I'd probably say yes. And that would be a mistake. I'm not strong enough, not sure enough of myself yet. I'd go back to getting trampled all over, which wouldn't make either of us happy, and my would girls see it, too. Not what I want for them, and they are my primary concern right now. [/quote]
Wonderful insight. You are in a good spot right now, and I'm guessing you will make the most of it! Every day those "wobbly legs" will get stronger and you will eventually get to where you need to be. You are an amazing person and have done a wonderful job so far. Keep it up!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I'm just going to put this out there...don't be afraid to feel ALL your feelings around this. Sometimes there's a bit of relief in there that we don't think we "should" feel, so we deny it.
I don't know what I feel right now. H has always traveled a lot on business, so being at home with just me and the kids is not new. But not talking to him is new. We have always said goodnight and good morning to each other, filled each other in on things. Going to bed last night without hearing from him was different. I don't necessarily feel negative about it, but it was different. And as the days of no contact stretch on, I don't know what feelings might come up.
Right now there's no sense of relief. There's no sadness. There's no particular happiness, although I had a good time with my girls last night, it wasn't happiness that H had left. There's a sense of walking through a door, although that's not fully formed yet. I've tried to wrap my head around three girls living in a house where just a few months ago three girls and two guys lived. I've tried to wrap my head around being a "single mom". I'm not really there yet on either of those.
So, for today, I'm just sitting with almost no emotion. I'm sure it will come, and I'm prepared to feel whatever it turns out to be.
Awesome reply!
Life is a river.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Journaling: if you thought my limbo posts were boring, just wait for the S posts. I have absolutely nothing to say. We exchanged a couple of emails yesterday about a birthday party D12 has been invited to this weekend, which is his first weekend with her. All business. And last night H and D12 were face-timing in the same room I was sitting and H asked where "everyone" was. D12 said D16 is in her room, and mom is right here and turned the phone to show me. H said, "hi mom" and I said "hey" and that was the end. Exciting, no?
I had a brief moment this morning that I was slightly disappointed that he hadn't initiated any contact with me at all, didn't bother to ask how I was doing. Wouldn't you want to know that your W and kids were OK by themselves? But truth is he hasn't asked about how I was doing in a really long time, so I suppose this is nothing new.
Nothing as it relates to H. I'm not numb in general. I'm content around the house, happy to be at home last night making a pot of chili for dinner, excited and nervous about my last basketball game tonight. I just don't feel much for him.
When people show us who they are, we should believe them. Thanks, Maya Angelou.
I have a quote in my office: "There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true."
I spent way too long believing what I wanted to believe instead of my reality. I sincerely was blindsided about H's A in April, totally blown away, but in the 7 months since, I see how far I had my head buried in the sand before that. I wonder if I had been more attuned to our M, if I had been paying more attention, if I hadn't lived in such a prefect family fantasy, if I had caught the A in the early stages, where would we be now? Would he have given it up if I had caught it early enough? I don't know.
If he had given it up, I most likely would have just shoved it all under the rug like I have done so many times before. I doubt we'd have done any MC, and IC. And then I'd end up here anyway, the only difference is timing. Maybe. Who knows.
And I can't help but think that I'm better off now, I have a much clearer picture of who I am and who he is. And I don't know that we belong together anymore. I'm not going to question whether we ever did, it doesn't matter now, and I have three great children to show for it in any case. But I am interested to see what happens in the next 4 months.
