Cali. Look back at UR's words regarding hanging on to the pants leg. The trick there is to let go without closing the door. To get to a point where you have let go, and are OK with whatever's next. Stress is a killer my friend.
Quote:
knowing I will be alone for Thanksgivings... still working on getting more social, but trying to do this in the correct scene ... not bars/clubs. I have met some people at church .. not on a hey lets hang out level ... but I have opened up some ... progress .. I was so closed off and it was just W and I for so long .. big mistake
Know what I did the first few years after ex? I volunteered at the local dinner for the homeless. I expected to work hard and distract myself. I felt I would be at home with the homeless because, well, I was kind of homeless at that point. A pity party of sorts. But I found that I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed talking to the people there. Both the volunteers and the people that came to partake. The only reason I stopped was just because it became too crowded with volunteers for that one. I've found others.
As for being closed off - I've been there too. Looking back, I think it was in reaction to my ex's behavior and just life. Kids were young and you don't really have time for a family, work, etc and social life for a little bit of that time. Or so it seems. What really seems to have happened was that my ex took up a lot more time than I had. I knew it at the time, but really didn't think it was a bad thing. I was very supportive and encouraging. I was a fixer but I also enjoyed spending time with my family. It reminded me why I worked as hard as I did. In return, I got to spend a lot of time with my family (ex included) and I am very close with my son at this point. My daughter and I were very close until ex left. Not sure how that story will go, but those are precious memories for me. Personally, I wouldn't change a thing about my past. It was hard at first to let me ex have the kids. She didn't really want them at the time, so that fed my ego. But I also worked very hard to reconnect them. I'm glad I did. I'm also glad for the memories, as hard as some of them were at the time.
There's lots to do. Memories to make. Life continues to beat on. You should find something different to do for Thanksgiving this year. What the heck, right?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yeah ... the "trick" ... thats where I am struggling.. I think I am better than I have been during this entire thing.. however I do believe I have been all to much availible and also have let her know I am here no matter what, door is open, maybe to open as I feel like a plan B .... and its hard to know what approach to tak with MLC .... we do not seem to follow the same rulebook as the typical DB'rs .... so its difficult to know what is right and what is wrong. So I walk the tightrope of letting go lovingly ... which I have no problem with ... and am careful not to be holding onto a pant leg and upset momma as she is cooking up her MLC Spew ... lol .. ok I made myself laugh with that visual.
As far as Thanksgiving, its a tough one ... my father and I shared the common interest of cooking, talking texting pics like we were teens in love, I LOVED that with him. He passed Jun 2012, so Nov 2012 was bitter sweet but I cooked my tail off and owned it ... Nov 2013 she had moved out just a week or so prior ... I vivdly recall how depressing that was as I ate left over ham from wht work pot luck alone in a house with no furniture .. was one of the lowest moments in my life. This year ... both my roomates will be gone, as will my W and S ... I am really ok with that.... and actually weghing some options .. might go for a long Harley ride, might cook just for me, eat it up over the weekend, not sure. I did inquire about the homeless thing ... but received word there are more servers here than homeless. I may just do something with the church .. leaning more that way ... as I need to get more social. The social thing .. yeah .. I worked alot, and came home and spent it with my family .. totally cool with that .. I do have buddies .. just not ones I would talk to daily. I will say this .. my S and I could not have a better relationship, I am blessed there, I LOVE the 3 nights a week we have and cherish any bonus nights I get when W is tired or has something going on.
My friend Labug wrote this on someone's thread. I hope she doesnt mind me repeating it.
Letting go is a process, it happens in phases and stages and it's not linear. I let go, I hold on, I let go a little more, I hold on. It's not that I haven't let go in the past, it's just that now I'm in a different place and letting go."
This whole process is like that, a little progress followed by a little rest or what may appear to be "backsliding." It doesn't have to be negative, perhaps there was something we didn't learn when we were last in that spot.
To me letting go is when you live your life without regard to her words or actions. It's when you no longer worry about if you are doing or saying the right thing or if she will be upset or what something means. You just do your thing. You live, Cal.
I think if you feel like inviting her someplace you do, if you dont, you dont. But I also think if she wants to do family things, then she can ask. You dont get pulled in because you are busy and finding joy and figuring yourself out.
You are still so invested in her moods and words. Is she depressed today. She is wearing her green robe, she is wearing a favorite dress. What does that mean. She reels you back in because she can. Do you need to tell her where you can taking your son when you have him?
So, do you see the dance that the two of you play? You dont text her, and pull away, she feels that and starts texting you to get you to respond. Break the cycle, C.
Yes. Cali, I'm not a vet although I've been following your sitch from the beginning. You certainly have a lot of interaction with your W and IMHO, that keeps you stuck. You spend a great deal of time (and I understand- I do!)analyzing your W's words, clothes, actions, alleged thoughts, etc. For your sanity-stop!
You sound like a good guy and a good dad. Can you be even better ? Of course. Do it for you and for your son. Your w has to do this all on her own. You can be pleasant and cordial, but you can't save her.
I'm not a fan of the holidays but my kids love them. Soooo, I suck it up and do stuff they enjoy. AJ has a great point. Do something different for Thanksgiving. Why not?
Hang in there:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Now THAT ^^^^^ I can wrap my thick skull around and Labug is right .. it is a process that happens in phases ... not cold turkey and honestly .. I have done better, but you are right .. I still hold onto little things, Sunday I did make a small step .. I knew she was upset about the window thing .. I apologized and that was that ... I did not follow her around the store like I would have trying to fix it, I apologized and can not control if she accepts it or not, I meant no ill will with the act so I stopped beating myself up over it. That was sometihng I read in a self help book .... it seems to be in line with what you are saying.
I was living my life 2 weeks ago, hind sight 20-20 and all ... that was when I told her I had plans and guess who got pulled in? Yup .. the cycle .. I see it now, so now I just need to be more aware and get off the track when the train is comin.
She picked up S tonight, asked via TM to use the bathroom because she was burning up (Usually happens when she is stressed out) ... I told her sure, let her in, kept cooking, and walked her out .. she did not look good, I wished them both to have a good night. I am going to take the approach to be kind, but if she wants to tell me how she is I will listen, not going to ask if she is ok like I always do (Fought the urge tonight) Baby steps
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destiny To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more
Detachment is the: Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational Giving another person the space to be himself Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be" Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
Yes. Cali, I'm not a vet although I've been following your sitch from the beginning. You certainly have a lot of interaction with your W and IMHO, that keeps you stuck. You spend a great deal of time (and I understand- I do!)analyzing your W's words, clothes, actions, alleged thoughts, etc. For your sanity-stop!
You sound like a good guy and a good dad. Can you be even better ? Of course. Do it for you and for your son. Your w has to do this all on her own. You can be pleasant and cordial, but you can't save her.
I'm not a fan of the holidays but my kids love them. Soooo, I suck it up and do stuff they enjoy. AJ has a great point. Do something different for Thanksgiving. Why not?
Hang in there:-)
I follow yours too .. and am a fan .. looks like we posted about the same time .. I missed your post
You are right .. I have way to much interaction with her .. especially as of late, something I need to stop as I have admitted. And yeah ... I think I will do something fun and cool for Turkey day ... I am looking forward to it honestly . though I have no idea what to expect.
Thank you uR ... you remind me of a friend I had ... wise beyond years and could strip ya down with a sentence ... well not that kind of strip .. my eyes are up here. You get what I am saying .. I am honored you take the trouble to help me along here, you are very kind .... I appreciate you all honestly .. and shudder at the hole I would be in without everyone's guidance .. God Bless every one of you
You saying I am wise reminds me of a funny story. I had a meetup with a few of the people from here. We met for lunch. So, in I walk. I have been known to use colorful language at times. I am from Brooklyn after all. So, I notice one of the woman looking at me kinda strange. I asked what was wrong. She said, "Ok, you look and sound nothing like what I pictured." I asked what that was. She said, "I pictured you as this quiet, little old lady." LOL!
I am a lot of things...a quiet, little old lady is not one of them.
And no comment from the peanut gallery, Mach and T2.
