Bit sad, but so very pleased for him - he is so excited about his new adventure.
He hasn't told his dad yet, he didn't get a very positive reaction when he told him he was thinking of staying in NZ and applying for college. I think H feels he will have to have responsibility for him - they have not had much contact since he left.
I'm a bit confused (which is a normal state for me at the moment lol)- I have read a few threads today, just to see others stories and their journeys. There seems to be a lot of references to their ex/h/w MlC'er being angry, nasty and aiming it all at them one minute and nice, apologetic the next - Jekyll/Hyde types. Plus a lot of communication -texts, emails, calls etc.
Are there different kinds of MLC ?
As my H is not like that at all. He has not got angry at me - quite the opposite. Says he is sorry for not being the man I married and the man I deserve. Said that I should be as angry towards him I as feel necessary as I didn't ask for this and if I can come out of this not hating him he will be humbled by that.
He said he feels guilt and selfish and he hates himself, it eats away at him. He said it comes in waves, then passes.
But then - he is off out, living life to the max and does what ever he wants, whenever he wants at what ever cost - emotionally, physically and financially. He is back with OW and her kids playing happy families.
We have not had any contact for the past 4 weeks, which is a new thing for him - (i know; expect zero.) This does not sound like a man in turmoil to me.
I am starting to think that I am being gullible; is he just playing me with the sympathy card? I have told him that I don't hate him, that I don't like him sometimes, but definitely not hate him. I also told him that I will always be there for him if he needs me - but know that he won't take me up on that as he has OW there for him now.
I have done and said to him all I can. I have allowed him knowledge that my door is open to talk so its up to him whether he uses it now.
I am going away this weekend with a girlfriend, we are going on a road and train trip. Then next weekend I am seeing my best girlfriends for a few days of madness - I belong to the Sisterhood of the Travelling Egg - can't explain that one really - 4 women, lots of alcohol and very silly imaginations - needless to say, 1 very eggstra crazy idea and its stuck. Then its on the countdown until my big move/trip
So I am GAL - but still miss him, still have waves of sadness and tears most days, still can't get him to leave my head. Ever hopeful that one day I may get that call - the one we all hope for.
Not all MLCers fit one size. Some can be as nice as can be and apologize all of the time and yet be out of the house and there are others who simmer and spew often and then you have the very nasty ones. Not all of them turn out to be Jekyll/Hyde and not all of them communicate w/their spouses and children.
Each MLCer will handle his/her crasis based on their personalities, life events and their childhoods/issues.
As for your h currently being nice, have you rocked his boat at all? Generally, some of them will begin to get angry and nasty when the spouse doesn't agree w/them on how to split out the finances, assets, etc. Also, if the spouse tries to tell them what to do or wants to talk about he relationship. I gather from your postings that this may not have been the case in your situation. When you just go along w/everything they say and want, they can be just a nice as can be.
Try not to assume what you h is doing or how he's feeling. He's got a lot of emotional baggage to sort out and the crisis is driven by depression and emotions. Some can become very good at hiding what's going on internally from others, i.e., mask wearing.
Go, have a great time, and leave your MLC issue at home. Eventually you will not think of him as much, but it takes time and lots of patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Depression is the key to most MLC's and it can come in many different forms. That is why I suggested you read up on it.
How you and your MLC'er react to it are parts of the puzzle. Your MLC'er will go back in time to childhood to try to look at what is causing their crisis. This can take many years to happen so don't hold your breath looking for signs of it.
The best advice is to take your focus off of them and put it squarely on yourself.
YOU are the only one that can control YOU. Their is tons to learn and most of it might not make sense at first. My only advice is to keep at it because without knowledge you have NO power.
Really everything you need is in the first post that I made, but for some reason it is hard to accept.
Keep asking questions because the only bad one is the one you do not ask.
I am sorry, you must feel like your bashing your head against a wall sometimes!! I know - my focus should be on me and not what is going on with him. It was just such a shock thing to do, totally out of character for him and to leave without any desire to try and mend us really hurts. Understanding more about what and why helps me see why he did not want to mend us - we were not broken - he is...
I suppose I am asking what we all are - where did my loved one go ...
I do know its over, that he does not want us anymore, its hard to adjust to being alone - I have not experienced this for over 25yrs, so its proving to be a huge challenge. But like with all challenges, perseverance is the key, giving up is not an option is it ....
BUT - I suspect, whatever happens, you're going to be ok in the end.
Your H might come back - ESPECIALLY if he sees you moving on and moving away, it makes him face the consequences of his actions a lot sooner than if you stayed there mooning away in the background, waiting as his Plan B in case things don't work out with OW.
But if he doesn't - you might get a little further from the situation and realize maybe he wasn't as good a spouse for you as you think. After all, this is a guy who after 25 years together, had managed to accumulate NO ASSETS, apparently kept you in the dark about the true financial situation, he really failed as a husband in that arena. You might eventually come to realize he was failing you in other areas as well.
I was married for 24 years, I loved my husband and fought very hard to preserve my marriage. But now that I've been divorced for several years, I see him - and the marriage - in a different light. I spent all those years walking on eggshells, trying to keep him happy but knowing I couldn't really count on him when the chips are down. He was critical and a perfectionist and somewhat selfish - and possibly cheated on me much more than I thought at the time of the divorce (funny little past incidents now look more suspicious than they did at the time...).
My new guy? Treats me like gold, is super-supportive, even when he's struggling with some issue of his own always makes the effort to give me a shoulder to cry on and some sage advice about my own family and business struggles. It makes me realize how much of this I NEVER got from my ex.
And although I make much less money than my Ex does, having complete control over my budget allows me to arrange things in such a way that I have financial peace.
Focus on building an exciting new life for YOU - your H will either be wondering whop this exciting new woman is and come after you, or you will find new, better love to fill your life. Either way, you win!
Try new things. Aspire to something you never thought you could do (I learned to play the drums in my 50's and now play for a pop-punk cover band ). Living well is the best revenge.
Understanding more about what and why helps me see why he did not want to mend us - we were not broken - he is...
YUP - exactly however what you may find out is that you are not blameless, but not for the things that you may think of right this minute, other things that you find out with more knowledge.
Originally Posted By: LouR
I suppose I am asking what we all are - where did my loved one go ...
Job likes to tell people that they have been abducted by aliens and are orbiting the earth on a spaceship.
Please know, that we aren't bashing our heads up against the wall. You are very new to this type of situation and it's going to take you some time to understand that you can't fix him or his crisis. There are no guarantees when it comes to a person in crisis. However, I will tell you this...if and when he wakes up and he comes to you and wants to reconcile...YOU will be the one to determine whether you want to try to reconcile. YOU will be the one that will determine when you can trust him again and if you still want to continue on your own journey w/or w/o him. However, that's a long ways off and until that time, continue focusing on you and your family, the packing, etc.
Please do not try to rush your process as you are grieving and it does take time to work through the stages of grief. Continue to post.
Hi Cadet - I do know my part in this - I think we ended up enabling each other. I tolerated crap behavior from him because I had become needy, lonely and insecure - fed by him - fed by my own demon (a dominant mother in my childhood - eg. of her handy work was - at aged 13yrs she told me "your not clever and your not pretty, what the heck are we going to do with you" nice!- so you get the picture - a handsome young guy takes interest and the promise to take me away from her - yipeeeeeeeee ....hmmmmmm) Anywhoo, I have dealt with it,forgave and let it go, feel free, actually feel love for her - and sadness as she died 14yrs ago and could really do with her now.
I have dealt with my big demon - sadly not in time for him and I am not sure it would have had any affect on the outcome anyway as he has to deal with his demons. I am working on the knock-on effect it had on me. Insecurity,confidence and learning how to use the word NO being the biggest ones. Baby steps
When we met up in October for his reconcile thought, he mentioned how much I have changed already. Pretty much the more I grow the bigger change. Baby steps
I don't think he ever imagined that I would ever be brave enough to get on a plane and move to the other side of the world, to sort out all my legal stuff (he has done nothing, I am still his next of kin and have POA for him!!), and get the whole move organised military style - not that I was useless, far from it, I just relied on him to validate what I did. The longer we are apart and the more I have to do for myself, the stronger and more confident I become - I know I can do this without him.
I realise now that I WANT him but I don't NEED him. That's a huge step forwards for me.
When he first heard i was leaving our S18 was coming with me, now he isn't my H has no spys in the camp, he will have no idea what I am up to what I am doing. It will either not bother him a bit or it will drive him crazy with wonder, either way, I intend to enjoy learning about myself, I have no idea what I want to do or what I like doing, so am open to all experiences (within reason ha ha).
I know I am still grieving - I have been in this stage before - all empowered. So I am aware that tomorrow it could change and I will be back to tears and in a mess. But today, I enjoy feeling like this and hope it lasts for a few more days and that I will revisit it soon when it does leave me.
). Living well is the best revenge.