Tried including the W on a few things this weekend. I was taking our son for a haircut and said after he and I would go out for lunch. I asked if she wanted to come along. She said no. I also am going to see 'Book of Life" tomorrow and said she was welcome to come along. She declined saying she wasn't interested in that film. I know she's busy with her schoolwork, but for a person who complained about being lonely she turns down a lot of opportunities to be together. It is not changing what I do, I just am taking note.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Funny how through detaching and GAL I can't do the thing that I impulsively think I should do. I want to reconnect, but know that I cannot force that to happen. I suppose this is me wanting to rescue the relationship, but what good is that if she doesn't? She needs to come to her own conclusions/ decisions without me being up in her face about it. I need to work on myself and make myself better for me. I just see this as taking a long time. I see her putting all of her attention to school and parenting and wonder how long we will be in a "holding pattern".
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
This morning I grabbed her hand for a moment while letting her know if she had an activity or something she'd like to do together to let me know. The hand was passive, no real response to being held. She said "ok" and that she would let me know (although I don't expect her to). It was an experiment to see how she reacts. Hand holding at this point is a bust. I got that out of it.
"Book of Life" was good though.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
I guess I am re-testing to see what works and what doesn't. I wasn't as invested in getting the result I wanted as last time, I was more wanting to see what would happen. No affection seems to be wanted (definitely not reciprocated). I can put my hand on her shoulder or upper back when I come to tell her something and she doesn't seem to mind. She hasn't wanted to spend any time together doing anything that I've offered. She will talk about school (hers), politics, parenting, her game (some), holiday logistics. Usually when i ask her about these things. That is mostly it. Otherwise she works on her school stuff, helps the boys, and plays her online games. This is what I know so far.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
It's funny. More and more I think about detachment, the more I realize it is about letting go in some way. I can work on being a better man and make changes for myself. I can identify what I did wrong, admit it and try to work on what is workable (and accept I may not be able to work on some things for quite some time if at all depending). I can get a life. I can choose to be happy, but I can't make her be happy with me. At some point she has to decide whether she is going to be engaged with a future with me. Right now, while she decides, I guess I am in kind of a holding pattern. My son's friend's mother was over at our house the other day picking up her daughter. She does "Laughter Yoga". It is the conscious decision to use laughter and breathing for health (good hormones, brain chemicals, etc). She said even if faking a good belly laugh you still get the benefits. I've decided I need more laughter and Joy. That is one thing I will work on as well.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Trying an experiment. Sent a message on FB to tell her I'd like a hug if she is comfortable with that and if not that's fine as well. Will see what happens.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
You know that's not going to work right? I mean you just begged her for a hug. It makes you seem clingy.
You're probably right. Since low affection was one of the stated issues. I guess I am just trying to see what will work and what won't. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I will back off and continue to work on myself until she feels ready to talk, etc. I still haven't got a clue exactly as what she wants to do. There has been no relationship talk, hugging, kissing, or "I love yous" since I stopped last month. I am continuing to read things to help myself, journaling,and working on GAL stuff. We'll see what happens, but you are most likely right.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
MrBond you were right. There was no response. I couldn't leave well enough alone. So I asked her: "so that is a no to my message, I assume?" to which she replied: "I never said you couldn't hug me." And then the first relationship discussion since the end of September began. It wasn't lengthy. I told her that I wasn't just going to hug her if it was unwanted and That I had no idea what she wants (she still replied "I don't know"). I admitted that I tried for too many years to change her with out changing myself and that I was sorry for that. I said that the only thing that I could do was work on me and that she'd have to decide what she wants, and that she knows what I want and that hasn't changed. I said that perhaps I wasn't the man she wanted anymore, but that wasn't my decision. I said maybe she'd found someone else and was involved with someone online emotionally, that I didn't think so, but that it was something that I had feared/ considered. She said she understood that fear, but neither confirmed or denied any emotional affair. I said I'd leave her alone and not bug her for answers, that she needs to come to that on her own without me in her face about it.
I know I should have left well enough alone. I am backing off again. Got to work harder on detaching and GAL. It was a lapse of judgement, but what was done is done I guess.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
