Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6

[Shakspr]

Gotta side with Jefe, here, twin. Most papers allow 24-72 hours for notification, depending on severity. Can't remember if Jefe and W have a formal sep, but unannounced visits - home or school - are typically not cool.

Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is this exactly what a divided home looks like. I'm my XW's 3rd husband. I have seen far worse than this with her previous two.

Pray you don't see any of it yourself. Forbearance and forgiveness go a long way toward healing and a possibility of reconnection.

[CaliGuy]

Jefe

Ok I get it .. last nights texts hurt, however .... you have to put aside the pain and hurt when it comes to the kids, keeping her in the dark ... regardless your intentions or reasons does look like its a form of punishment. "this is what a divided home looks like." ok .. its very well be you venting but look at this comment, you are hurt and upset and this does come off as it being her fault here, something to think about, how inviting is this? How would this be paving a smooth way back? Its creating guilt and using it as a weapon ... I know this because it was a big part of my arsenal early on. Does not matter if you actually say it or not .. its in that head and will be a go to during a backslide. Just watch that one ok?

[GoatGal]

Sorry things are tough, Jefe.

I have had the same thoughts about my H. Like "why does he not realize that a D will only make life harder? That it won't fix anything?"

I finally had to give up on those questions, or any questions that would require them to respond rationally instead of emotionally.


They're in such a different place than we are emotionally. They don't see things like we do, and there is no use trying to get them to share our vision.

The more people that tell them they're nuts, means they have more opportunity to steadfastly defend their decisions.

Best to go with the flow and accept she is going to think however she will.
(And yes, ask almost anybody here and we'd agree it's mostly crazy/selfish, but that's life.)

Meanwhile, you're right. W does not get to treat you like a Residence Inn. Pop in to do laundry, eat, get some "Family Time", and then go off to do whatever.

It doesn't work that way.

What can you do to show her through your actions that this is unacceptable?
The only thing you can do is behave in a way that communicates your stance.

Thoughts?

---(G)GGG

[Jefe]

Okay, you are correct Cali.

Shake, we have nothing formal. I seriously doubt she really wants anything formal right now.

She called about coming over later to visit and do her laundry. I said that I had thought about this morning and that it was very insensitive of me to not inform her. I said she must have felt very embarrassed, to which she agreed. I told her that in the future I would text her the minute I had information like that no matter the time of day.

I am just so worn down. The last 2 days have been such a beating.
I feel like I have lost so much ground.

[Jefe]

I don't think she realizes the reality of it all. I don't even know what she expect to gain from a D anyway. None of the problems are going to go away just because of a divorce.

Ironically, she is on her way this afternoon to do her laundry and visit. I'm not sure that she gets the concept that if we D, all of that goes away. I would never withhold visitation, ever. But this idea that yo can just pop in and grab a bite to eat and do your laundry whenever you'd like will certainly stop.

Sorry things are tough, Jefe.

I have had the same thoughts about my H. Like "why does he not realize that a D will only make life harder? That it won't fix anything?"

I finally had to give up on those questions, or any questions that would require them to respond rationally instead of emotionally.


They're in such a different place than we are emotionally. They don't see things like we do, and there is no use trying to get them to share our vision.

The more people that tell them they're nuts, means they have more opportunity to steadfastly defend their decisions.

Best to go with the flow and accept she is going to think however she will.
(And yes, ask almost anybody here and we'd agree it's mostly crazy/selfish, but that's life.)

Meanwhile, you're right. W does not get to treat you like a Residence Inn. Pop in to do laundry, eat, get some "Family Time", and then go off to do whatever.

It doesn't work that way.

What can you do to show her through your actions that this is unacceptable?
The only thing you can do is behave in a way that communicates your stance.

Thoughts?

---(G)GGG

I wish I knew at this point.

I understand they won't share our vision. They are completely incapable of even seeing that damage that they have done. My wife did some real serious damage when she left but I feel like she just keeps piling it on. I know her perspective is very different. I know that I MUST stop asking why. Just crazy that in a blink of an eye your entire world can change.

Add to that, the very thought of her hanging out with these new pals of hers makes me literally want to vomit. She has an entire new friend base.

[Jefe]

Well, this has been a very interesting day for sure. She calls from the cellular store because she's trying to get my grandmother a new phone. We spoke 3 different times. I swear at the end of the last call she said I love you, but there's no way. I asked her to pick up some things at the store on her way as I kind of figured it would make her feel good to shop for the kids a little since they are sick. Of course, she did not stay but 15 minutes, dropped her laundry off and left for pool night number 2. A least it's not Johnny tonight.

I have ZERO evidence, I mean none, but I just feel in my gut she has been staying the night over there and they are sexually active. It would explain some of the odder behavior and withdrawing lately. What can I do? Nothing. It's just all conjecture. This part [censored].

Why do I want and love this woman so damn much?

[GoatGal]

Jefe,

If you don't know, then you don't know. Don't trust your gut to tell you anything because under the circumstances, you're always going to think the worst.

It could just as easily be something benign. Isn't it better to give your W the benefit of the doubt as to what she's really up to?

You have nothing to lose; if you think it's negative, you are going to project this to her no matter how hard you try not to and it won't help you meet your goal of being the best "you" you can be.

If you can imagine something positive--equally as plausible--not only do you have a 50% chance of being correct, but it will help you have a PMA around your wife.

The whole point here is for her to FEEL GOOD AROUND YOU. If you are harboring some resentment over something that may or may not even be true, it is not going to give her those nice vibes you're after.

So quit with the "Stinkin' Thinkin" and focus on Jefe, OK?


--(G)GGG

[Jefe]

Yes ma'am.

[GoatGal]

If you really wanted to convince me you mean business, you could say:
"Yes, Goddess of the Goats"!!!

[Jefe]

That's too funny.