Inside my chrysalis 7

[Ss06]

Card,

I am so glad you and your D had a little moment there.

I have 10,000 little terms of endearment for my D7 and one of them is "pumpkin pie". It's great because let's face it, pumpkin pie is 10,000 times better than just "pumpkin".

She's also my poodle-pie, schmoodle, cookie face and freckle bug.

I'm grateful she allows me to call her all of these things because I know it's only a matter of time before she says, "mooooooom! Stop calling me that!"

[Ss06]

labug,

You can change. Your life can be different and better. I think I've told you I was so far in a hole, with so many dysfunctional defense mechanisms I thought I would never crawl out.

But I did, I'm even thinking of putting my therapist on an as needed basis.

I definitely have a ton of dysfunctional defense mechanisms, many I can't even recognize myself and need YOU to point them out. I do worry that I'll never crawl out. That I'll be an 82 year old bitter woman shaking my fist and yelling at kids to get off my lawn and to take those hover boards somewhere else because I'm still bitter at my long since disappeared xh.

The concept of crawling out almost makes me want to fold into a fetal position and take a long nap. There's just so much... baggage... and blech.

I know that the process doesn't have to always be painful, I'm sure there's catharsis in a lot of it and that part I am excited to face head on. Wading through the muck to get to the catharsis, while totally worth it, isn't easy (I imagine).

I want to be that strong person though. The one who faces all the demons in the closet with only a little fear and the understanding that ALL will be better for having done it. My struggle and hesitation is that picking old wounds makes me feel vulnerable emotionally and physically. Like if the wind blows too hard it'll sting my heart because it's so raw from the healed scab that has been protecting it for so long and how do I heal it again?

I don't imagine wading through that muck can be a "fake it till you make it" kind of task and I keep waiting for the feeling of "Ok, I got this, I'm not superwoman but I'm almost her so let's do this" to take over... and I'm getting the sneaking suspicion I'm deluding myself into procrastination.

OMG, did I just type that out? I think that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm waiting for Nirvana to appear (see Zeus' post above) BEFORE I tackle the ugly stuff. Well, that's hilarious. It doesn't work that way does it?

Ok, well, I'm glad I figured that out right here and now right before your very eyes.

I'm putting my spelunking hat on because I need to get buzy!

[Ss06]

SS, small steps, big ones, backward ones, all count...as long as you are moving.

ok, well as long as backwards steps count, I'm good. I do hate staying still though.

You need to live your life as if you have heard and accept that your h doesnt want to be married at this time. That thought helped me figure out how to act.

No more complaining and putting this off! Living as if I have heard and am starting to accept (after three whole months) that my H doesn't want to be married to me at this time means that I need to get busy living. I need to start having fun, not waiting to include him in the fun with my D, create traditions between D and me, work through my muck with no excuses and remember that my marriage is up on a shelf somewhere. That's also where I need to put H. Up and away.

This also means to me that I'm not actively cultivating a friendship with H. Coparents is the extent of our relationship right now and I'm happy with that. I won't let it be awkward because that's him having more of me than I'm willing to give. I don't like being uncomfortable so I won't put myself in a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I will choose my words wisely and ask for time to compose them so there is little room to perceive them as anything other than respectful, honorable and genuine.

I will take care of myself emotionally and physically (like snaking my own drains) without disdain that he is not here to help me pick up the pieces of me he left behind.

These are my first steps.

What do you think uR?

It meant that I had to learn to rely on me. I hung shelves, did dry wall, fixed toilets. I learned more about finances. I would not call him or ask him to do anything. And I did it, SS.

That also means that he has to live with what he has decided. That includes no longer just comimg over. Sorry, but, he cant have it both ways.

I sense that you are a little afraid to set that boundary. What is that fear about?

I am notorious for not phrasing things well. My word choice and often my tone of voice comes across as condescending, controlling and punitive. My fear to set that boundary is 50% my delivery and how it's received which i can completely work on and practice. The other 50% of my fear is that I feel like it pushes him further away. I know it's what is necessary but the idea that he stops by makes me feel like he's actually trying to see me... but perhaps that's wishful thinking and I've had enough of wishes lately.

It will be better for your daughter to know what is happening, too, when she knows he is seeing her and for how long. Children need that structure.

This is very true. My daughter especially. H isn't a man of consistency or schedules. He doesn't like being told what to do or being fenced in. It's a wonder we actually have a visitation schedule at all because he is SO not a schedule guy.

Yea, I get the manipulation. I also know that the anger keeps you stuck. It keeps you in the bad moments. It stops you from moving forward with your life because you can hold onto it and use it as an excuse.

And it has definitely been an excuse for long enough. I'm taking a big step forward, even with the anger in my chest but I know as I walk I'll let it go. Right now, I'm choosing to begin to work through it and ACCEPT it. It'll take time but standing still being angry only makes me more angry and adds to my feeling of hopelessness.

I will tell you that once you let the anger go and once you start doing things for yourself without asking him for help or running things by him, you will start to feel more in control.

The truth is, I already feel very in control of my own life. I just wish he were in it. That he wanted to be in it. However, I can only control ME. I think I'd like to start with genuinely learning how to control my emotions. This is a HUGE weak spot for me. I've always been controlled by my emotions and have been known to outburst or fly off the handle (hello, reactive?). I need to focus on controlling my emotions rather than them controlling me. I am NOT what I feel.

This is your life, S. Start living it. Leave him to whatever it is he is doing. Not your problem right now.

In a strange way this is a relief. When he's around things are SO complicated. I like simple. Occam's razor all the way; though I'm not sure Occam's razor applies to self exploration. huh.

You can do this. Get good and strong. What an amazing opportunity for your daughter to see that. She is watching. Trust me on that.

I can. I just have to start walking without knowing where I'm going for a second... then I'll see the horizon, I think.

I know my daughter is watching but I'll tell ya, I'm not sure she likes what she sees. She spent Saturday drawing pictures of her two karate senseis with "You're my HERO" written above it. She also made one for H. It's so sweet. I wish I could have one, too, though.

He can only be as manipulative as you allow him to be. Dont allow it.

You're right. I just don't see the manipulation until I've already complied with whatever he wants and I'm resentful about it. I need to stop bending over backwards and gently putting my foot down. This will come with time, too.

Thanks for the pep talk, uR.

These boots were made for walkin'...

[Shining]

Hi, Ss, I'm just getting caught up on you. I see you're being followed by the best of the best. That uR is a pretty special friend....she has talked me off of many a ledge.

There is nothing new I can add at the moment in the way of advice, since you've received such golden words already. Just tons of support and hugs for tonight.

Keep going, Ss. You got this.

[Joe1981]

Hey Ss, first time I've read through your stuff in a while. I feel your pain. Keep your chin up...you're getting a lot of great advice too.

[labug]

First I want to say, you are a very good writer! Such good clear descriptions and analogies. You also maintain your sense of humor. In my case that too was a defense mech but I think it's good when we can see the humor in our situation.

The concept of crawling out almost makes me want to fold into a fetal position and take a long nap. There's just so much... baggage... and blech.

I asked my IC many times, "Is there hope? There's so much, can people really recover and get better from this place." Her simple answer was, "Yes."

It has taken some time, but the pain was inflicted over a long period of time, so it follows that it's not an easy fix. Doable but not easy.

So with this too, we have to drop our timelines and our expectations of perfection for ourselves and realize no one has that expectation of us, but us. And if there are those that do, we can let them go. Detach. We don't have to cut them out of our lives completely but we can say or think, "I won't allow you to hurt me anymore."

Sometimes we do have to drop people from our lives. I found I made better progress when I surrounded myself with like-minded people. People who weren't content to just sit in the muck. I credit 12-Step meetings for pulling me out of that initially. I picture meetings as the wrecker and I was in that deep hole, being slowly wenched up. I could go, be completely anonymous, not say anything if I didn't feel it necessary but just soak up the recovery. At one point I was going to 3 meetings/week.

I also volunteered. Not a lot (there are a lot of volunteer hours in my job )but enough for me to focus on something other than my story. I'm the person who needs a schedule so I had IC on Mon, and went to 12-Step on Mon night, Thurs morning and Sat mornings. I did yoga and meditation at home. I also rode my bike (a little) 4 or 5 times/week.

I read a ton of books and online sources. That's how I've always tackled problems, read, read, read to understand. Initially some of the reading did depress me, thinking I had to o far to go but then it started giving me hope. Other people had conquered worse.

The process is like strengthening a muscle as we're building new neural pathways, so we need consistency and structure. My "structure" may not work for you. You'll find what works.

But it has to start with "I can" even before you believe that you can.

In a talk with my IC yesterday about my son, I said "I'm letting go" and then I looked at her and asked sheepishly "how many times have I said that?" but then before she could answer, I said "What I've learned is, letting go is a process, it happens in phases and stages and it's not linear. I let go, I hold on, I let go a little more, I hold on. It's not that I haven't let go in the past, it's just that now I'm in a different place and letting go."

This whole process is like that, a little progress followed by a little rest or what may appear to be "backsliding." It doesn't have to be negative, perhaps there was something we didn't learn when we were last in that spot, that we're now ready to learn. Our tendency is to chastise ourselves instead of saying gently, "Hmmm what am I to learn from this."

“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.

~Pema

(( ))

[claire7]

Labug, I just wanted to say that these words resonated with me so much. We've talked here often about how, when we begin to feel conflicted and i pain again, after a relatively calm phase, it perhaps means we are taking a new step. I think that is where I am at this week.

Ss, maybe you are taking a new step, too.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Let us know...

[uRworthy]

SS, I want to tell you a story. I was helping someone on here some time back. We would write back and forth everyday. I could tell he respected me a great deal.

One day, a friend of mine posted something to him and asked him what he would write to help this person. It was a post from a woman who was in a very bad way. She blamed herself for everything. She had very low self esteem. She had issues from her childhood. She was depressed and full of despair.

I remember reading this post and thinking - oh that poor woman. I feel so badly for her.

Until I realized....it was my first post to this board. The man I was helping didnt believe it...and then he got it.

I am telling you this to let you know that you can get through all the muck. You can get to a place where you feel good about you and your life. You can heal and grow.

It takes time and patience and resilience. It takes hope and hard work. But most of all - you just have to believe in the possibilities.

[uRworthy]

Hey SS, how are you doing?

[Ss06]

I am doing quite well. Feeling solid.

Nothing to report except after reading a few other threads (mighty's in particular) I'm finding gratitude in the "simplicity" of my situation. That's not to say it's easy but it is simple and that's a humbling reminder that, as hard as all this is, it could be much harder and often is for others.

On Tuesday night I took d to karate and she got in trouble and lost her belt for a week. It's a long story but d has impulse control issues and I feel like teachers are often trying to punish her out of those issues but it doesn't work that way. It's frustrating that she gets in trouble for things she literally cannot control. Add to that that she has a vocabulary and articulation of a 10th grader and people forget she's only 7!!!!

I talked to h about it that night and he listened and supported. At first I was frustrated by him "handling" me but I stopped, breathed and reminded myself that I have to handle myself so he doesn't have to. I need to state what I need (his help with some of her teachers, etc), vent for a minute and move on.

I listened carefully and he was venting a little bit too. I validated and I could tell that helped him validate for me.

We sometimes get into these stubborn standoffs where we don't support or "give" to the other until the other gives first. It's sick but I think it's like dipping your toe in the water, is it safe to give or will I be punished or unappreciated? So, I dropped that game and gave first anyway. It worked.

He gave back.

I got off the phone feeling validated, that he understood my frustration, that we were in it together and we were both going to do something to help the dilemma.

This is 180 degrees different than pre BD.

Resolution? We've NEVER had that before. It feels amazing, even if it's just over something small.

I was also careful to be clear in my venting. I kept it brief, first of all. Long-winded vents often make H feel like I'm actually venting about him. I kept it short. I said something like "and I feel like I'm handling the impacts of D's behavior all alone" and I STOPPED. I knew H would interpret that as me saying, "you jerk face, I'm all alone in this and it's your fault" so I breathed and said, "I'm not trying to imply that you're not a great cop aren't or uninvolved. I think we work very well as coparents and your involvement has been wonderful so please hear my appreciation of that."

He thanked me for clarifying.

That felt good to have the power to keep the conversation clean and healthy with no opportunity for bad feelings to mar it. It felt even better to feel safe enough to compliment him and encourage him. It doesn't make me weaker to appreciate his new involvement with D. What a wonderful thing.

This is new stuff for me but I'm liking the direction it's taking me. We still only talk in relation to D. Nothing personal.

So, I'm working 2 am to 11 am on Black Friday. Talk about crazy. Strangely, I'm excited about it. I have a lot of fun at work. It's simple, no drama and uncomplicated. Just what I need to keep my mind off overthinking.