Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6

[Starsky309]

Prayers lifted up for you, Jefe!


Starsky

[twinmom]

It sounds like she wants a fairy tale. It also sounds like she may have some co dependency/self esteem issues.

Take this from someone who was THERE and by that I mean ***I*** had self esteem/dependency issues. I thought that is EXACTLY what I wanted from a marriage. But as I started getting "healthy" in an emotional way I realized a few things.

1. I didn't really want those things, yes I want to feel loved but being placed on a pedestal and having your husband fall all over you gets old REALLY quick and you just start to see them as pathetic.

2. Even if she didn't tire of it quickly it would be almost impossible to keep up. Life and stress happen and fairy tales are just that, a tale.......

My advice to you is to be loving but you need to be firm and set/MAINTAIN those boundaries. Stop talking/worrying about if she is going to church or not. You go if you want to.

[Shakspr]

Jefe...I have been remiss in keeping up with you. HONESTY ALERT: Your situation is hard to read from the outside. You are obviously in a lot of pain, confused, and occasionally manic (probably due to lack of sleep.

I pray for you often. Speed reading through your sitch the last half-hour...I see hope in there. And not just from Hope 414 (who I wish I had in my corner at some point.)

Choose a single course of action and pursue it. Don't be distracted by extraneous what not. Create a mantra and stick with it. If your wife needs you to be a rock, be a rock. Hope414 is all over this one. DO WHAT WORKS!

If you want to pursue steady employment because YOU think it's the right thing to do - do it. Her words don't mean squat. I think she was ducking her own guilt when you suggested that you might make this move and she told you to hold off. Remember, actions speak more than any words. You want a marriage, now, and forever. Find a way.

Slow down. Work on some breathing exercises, at least. You don't sound like a meditation guy. So pray. And breathe. Get your blood pressure measured. I bet you'll be shocked into some positive change when you see the numbers!

[Hope414]

Jefe,

It's good to hear you have the session on Wednesday. I think you will find a huge burden lifted as you start talking to someone.

I'm sorry you feel so alone today. This is the reason why you build networks so you have a support group to call when you feel lost.

I strongly encourage you to call someone and discuss your feelings.

In the meantime remember you have people who genuinely care about you on this forum. Let them comfort you during this time.

[Jefe]

Thank you Toots, Starsky, Shake, and TM.

I am very confused. But I went to a noon meeting, visited with my grand-sponsor and my sponsor has called twice today. So I'm okay. I just need to get back to center. I'm already on BP meds and I know I'm going to make myself sick.

Hope, you are a gifted human being. Your husband is a lucky man.

I am looking forward to Wednesday myself. They are going to sponsor the first 3 sessions then it's a sliding scale after that. Shouldn't be a huge problem.

As for the Wife, she is all over the place. I get a different woman every day. My sponsor has noticed it too and has recommended going dim for awhile. She's already pulled back quite a bit, anyway. Shake, I don't know what she needs from me at the moment so I just need to regroup for a minute.

And as I type this, the texts start.

Crap, I need help. I don't what to say or how to dig out of this, spew jacket not handy....

[Jefe]

Lashing, lashing, lashing

[Hope414]

Hi Jefe,

I don't know what your wife is saying but as you respond remember that anger is a secondary emotion.

Your wife lashes when she is angry. So there is a good chance what she is saying is not why she is communicating.

Check for randomness.

For example, if the text says, "Why didn't the girls have on a coat today?" And the girls had on weather appropriate sweaters you would know two things:

(1) The time to discuss the girls school clothing has passed so the text is not about clothes.
(2) There was nothing wrong with their clothes.

So before replying...step back and analyze. If the text really isn't about you don't make it about it about you.

Remember...it's Monday. Pool night.

[CaliGuy]

Jefe ... I follow your sitch ... and what Hope just pointed out registers with me. Just an observation I made with my W, she would pick a fight the day prior to going out with OM, its like she needed this to justify her going out. Not sure if your W does the same .... but I can not imagine my W is the only one who does this .. especially when they are all over the place .. confused with the 180's and GAL we have done .. I mean how dare we do these things when they are doing their thing .. lol

Just maybe think about WHY she is spewing, if it has teeth or not .. I have adopted some new goals .. and no arguing is the latest .. I just realized it has done nothing but create more distance .. and its not what I want so I just listen, tell her I hear her, and leave it at that .. no return fire. Hard for them to keep punching you when you just take em, they tire eventually.

Hang in there ... keep that GAL alive man.

[Shakspr]

Praying for you now, jefe. Be a man. When you do respond, do so firmly and with love. Set a healthy boundary. You are a child of God.

Hope is right - we are here for you.

[Jefe]

I know it's pool night, I dont know that situation. I don't think she got off of work in time to go, or if she did she came home awfully early. Whatever the case she was looking to vent about something.

I'll transcribe the texts here. I know I blew it on a few responses. I should have just not responded at all. I am also trying to keep last nights spew in mind as well.

Let me back track first, she sent a text around 10 this morning that I think she was expecting a different response that what she got:

W: I want to take the girls by Roger's family around 3 on Thanksgiving Day.
M: As long as it doesn't interfere with our families, whatever.
no response after that.

Now on to this evening.

I ordered a few books on Amazon yesterday and I bought them used so instead of one charge there were 4 separate charges since they were being fulfilled by different vendors. Now the texts:

W: Damn you're Amazon crazy.
I guess she was checking the bank account. I didn't respond for awhile, I was a little busy. Besides, it was a declarative statement.

W: Hello?
W: So how are the girls?
W: So if the girls were to live with you and we got our divorce are you going to want child support from me?
W: I know you're not wanting them to live with me, is this correct?
M: I don't want a divorce. Period. But if this is the route you choose, yes I will be expecting full custody and child support.
W: Oh OK well I guess I'll have to fight you for the girls huh
W: Fine
M: I'm not going to keep them from you.
M: But they need a stable home, J*******.
M: Your lifestyle right now is not where they need to be. I don't understand whats going on with you. I don't know who you are anymore. (I probably should have not said this part.)
W: How are the girls?
M: Asleep. What are you wanting to know?
W: My lifestyle is just fine what are you talking about
W: If (D7's) legs are getting better and if she's still coughing a lot
W: (D5) if she's doing well.
W: I dont want to be with you. And you keep thinking that's going to change that's the problem.
M: Her legs are fine. She's coughing less. (D5) is as fine as she's going to be.
W: OK what does that mean?
W: She's not fine?
W: So you're just going to take everything from me, the house and the kids and my money. Wow, thanks.
W: You're such a great person
M: I'm happy for you that your life is going great. You chose this path. I'm not doing anything to you, you are leaving us.
Youre choosing to take everything from me since I don't want to be with you. You're an A$$ for that. What's new.
M: J*******, I've made a tone of mistakes. I've fought with you when I should have stood by you. I'm not trying to hurt you. I have never wanted to hurt you, but you are leaving us. This is what you are choosing.
W: I expected no less from you. I figured that's how this would go, a fight til the death. I literally hate you.
M: I'm not fighting with you. You asked a question.
W: I'm talking about the divorce you're going to do everything in your power to make it miserable and not easy. Hope you sleep well at night knowing what a piece of sh*t you are taking everything from me just because I don't want to be with you.
W: F**k you!
W: F**k you
W: I figured you wouldn't have anything to say to that
W: A$$ hole
(I probably shouldnt have offered this information up)
M: I haven't slept in months.

I have stayed out of your way. You do what you want when you want and I pay for most of it. I'm sorry you hate me. I wish you no harm.
W: I'm talking about the divorce you're going to do everything in your power to make it miserable and not easy. Hope you sleep well at night knowing what a piece of sh*t you are taking everything from me just because I don't want to be with you.

I quit responding. I texted my sponsor in the middle of this and he shut me down. We both agree that this was an inappropriate time, manner, and method for this type of discussion. Again like the lack of decorum used last month when she stated she was going to date.

I'm so mentally exhausted already before all of this. I'm sure I handled this very poorly. I should have never engaged. D5 had a melt down tonight and cried for 30-45 minutes straight before I could get out of her that she was sad because she feels like mommy is never coming home to live with us again. D7 is picking at herself and turning inward.

Man I thought we were making progress.

Let the 2x4's fly.