Wife having emotional affair part 4

[sandi2]

This is what comes to my mind. She knows it won't work with him for some reason(his family,her family,kids,housing,money who knows). She still has feelings for me. This drug is not going to go away easy. She wants to cut it off with him but can't. Has told me I'm the missing part in her life. Even when it's with him and the kids or just her with the kids or just her, I'm missing. But when it's just her and him she is some what happy but thinks why couldn't husband do this. Do I believe all this or not? That is the huge question! How long do I hold on to hope?

The addiction is powerful. How long this will go on is anyone's guess. How long you hold on to hope is entirely up to you. If the two of you get D and she should decide to M the OM, then I hope you won't keep hanging on, b/c that would seem like such a terrible way to live out your life. Till then, we don't know what may happen. Does she still have feelings for you and miss you like she says? Probably to some degree, however, the addiction to the A has a stronger pull on her right now. Who knows what may happen through this month to change her direction.

BTW, you sounded as if you were making your goodbyes earlier. I hope you will continue to stick around a while longer.

So sorry you are going through this pain.

[3kids]

I wanted to reply to PM and Sandi and I will. But first just to let you know I talked to two close friends last night and today. One telling me time to move on it's almost been a year and nothing has changed. Time to find someone that makes you happy again. The other telling me to give it some more time. Heck she just two weeks ago was talking about MC. So what if other man jumped back in. He will jump right back out if you let him mess up again. Just give it some more time maybe till the house sells and she is forced to either start her life with him or come to her senses. Let her be the person to end it, your not that type of person anyways.

I think I'm going to listen to the friend and my self that says keep hope alive. For one happiness comes from with in. Also I checked with my lawyer and I can't file since she has already started the process. Ha ha ha

[3kids]

PM thank you!

1- I only persued when she showed signs of maybe working it out. My mistake.
2- I don't call or text unless about kids. I did yesterday because I wanted to see if she wanted both support checks at once for Christmas. I was thinking of the kids. I slipped and said that Christmas was defentaly going to be different and she agreed.
3- I don't
4- I don't she comes to me.
5- I failed the month of November because she showed signs of maybe working on us.
6- never do
7- a little last month but other wise never
8- I don't
9- I did when she asked me and I should have let her come to me. I did in the couple of months prior and it showed in her actions.
10- I don't
11- I never have since the start
12- I was for August, September, and October. November was terrible. I have to get back to that.
13- I am again. November when OM came back in I didn't.
14- I am busy and I do. But have bad days.
15- she always starts now.
16- I never ask about her. She always asks me.
17- I did until November. Back on track now.
18- I control my emotions around her pretty well.
19- slipped twice on this when OM came back in the picture.
20- she leads all talk on this.
21- she did once in November when we where splitting Christmas stuff. Very emotional night. Sucked for both of us. Wish that on no one with kids. We both said sorry.
22- I don't
23- I did in one sentence in November. She was talking how OM is not who she wanted to be with and stuff and I said then why would you continue with him. And she said you don't understand.
24- I try, I don't make contact until she does.
25- I validate the best I can. She has even made comments on this how thank you for careing and listening even thought I don't have to.
26- when around her I do on this forum I don't.
27- I try
28- I do
29- consistant on most
30- I did when she showed signs. My mistake.
31- I don't
32- I try not to
33- I try not to
34- I don't
35- I haven't
36- I do
37- again November was terrible

The tuff part about my detaching is that there is two hard spots for me. For one I was the one who had it his way or the high way. So if I really act like that it's not changing me. The second is that I was not there for her emotionally. I didn't listen I didn't talk. I was more of just do it this way and get over it. So it's hard for me to draw the line sometimes. You are right about reaching out, I messed up there. She sucked me back in with showing some signs of working out. And I feel hook line and sinker. I got to pushy about asking to do stuff and messed up. It was just the first time she had said anything about MC since she paused the divorce back in July. When she shows signs of maybe working, I get all excited and forget everything. I just see one thing, the thing I wanted this hole time. Just a shot at our marriage. Control and every thing else go right out the window. I showed to much and it probably hurt me.

Thank you for your replys if there's more I can work on let me know please!

[3kids]

Thank you Sandi!

I was saying my goodbyes. I was just so hurt and wanted it all to stop. Keeping hope is a painful thing. I'm a very emotional guy. I can field dress a pheasant, and rip a part a house or car. Or even cut the tip of my finger off and not bother me. But I see pain in some one or on a movie or my heart hurts and I cry. Just how I am. I thought at that moment if I could just start the divorce, I could start to move on emotionally. But I'm just that person that holds on to sad emotions for a very long time. The other hard part is that I just can't picture us divorced yet. We where to close gone through to much. Getting to that point is very hard. I know the only thing that will ever get me that is if I meet OM. We even talked about that one night a couple of weeks ago. She was saying a can't believe you have never seen him. And I said nope and never want to meet him. She asked just curious why not. I said if I meet him it will be the end. And she agreed and said I never want you to meet him either. So if I really wanted to end it emotionally for me I know what I have to do. So after divorce I won't keep hanging on.

Thank you so much Sandi!

[3kids]

Oh I forgot to mention one thing that I wanted to say. On Thanskgiving her mom sent me a text(I haven't seen her or talked to her in a couple of months so it was out of the ordinary). Remember this is when the wife still kind of wanted to work it out. He text said happy Thanskgiving I love you. I sent back happy Thanskgiving miss and love you very much. Her reply fueled me some in my hopes. "Way to make a girl cry on Thanskgiving. I pray daily that one day soon our family will be back together again. I miss you and love you very much." So this kind of fueled my expectations and emotions.

[PatientMan]

I think I'm going to listen to the friend and my self that says keep hope alive.

I think that's very admirable. I also think that if you aren't sure, then err on the side of not giving up. All may not agree with that, but giving up is something you can't take back and may regret. I don't come across too many people sticking it out because they thought it was the right thing to do and regretting that decision.

'Hope' and 'Expectations' quite naturally come welded together in your mind. The key to success for a hopeful stander is the ability to wield your mental acetylene torch and separate the two, having hope without expectations.

-PM

[3kids]

PM thank you so much for making me go back through my posts. I just noticed some things very interesting. Every time before OM comes back into town, one or two days, she try's to start a fight with me. Sometimes successful and some times not. If she does succeed there is no contact the whole time he is here. If she doesn't she tried to make contact. The week before he comes back every time she gets very emotional and upset. Whether it's missing the kids or life or whatever. During this time if I go no contact she gets very angry, if I answer some she becomes more curious. Just a pattern I've noticed with her and it's like clock work. With me it's the same, my pattern is if I do get sucked into the fight I start thinking more about her. If I don't, I start feeling better and moving forward. Just some thoughts I wanted to put down before I forgot.

[sandi2]

How are you doing, 3Kids?

[3kids]

Hi all been awhile so I thought I'd jot some stuff down.

Had a great weekend with the kids. Friday went shopping. Got new basketball shoes for the oldest and some other stuff. Watched some movies. Saturday we woke up made the popcorn and cranberry garland. Went and got some pictures with Santa and ballon animals. Then went to the oldest basketball tournament. As PM would say still think about her actions to much but this stuff bothers me. So I just write it down. Saturday morning the oldest tries to get a hold of his mom to get his basketball jersey for two hours(on his phone). When she finally calls, she calls me and I hand off the phone to the oldest to answer. His comment why the heck is she calling you. So we get the jersey and she tells me she can only make it to one of his games. So sad she use to never miss this stuff for them. Well they did very well against some very big schools. They took second place. Very proud of him. So she sends ME a text after the tournament asking how they did and I tell her. She sends back "I'm so proud of him and awesome job". I didn't reply and I told the oldest. His response was priceless "whatever". Why she can't call him kills me.

On Sunday the kids went with her to the nephews party. I dropped them off and didn't go in. Said my good byes in the car. Went and did my things. Kids came back and said what a horrible grouch mom was. Not just to them but everyone there. Apperantly OM didn't want to go with. And somebody was very upset about it. She dropped the kids off and left. No convo. I thought I seen OM in car and made a comment out loud and the oldest heard me. Sucked back in my anger and apologized to the oldest for my rude comment. The kids tell me about the party and every thing. Then they tell me about how they already know about some of there presents from mom. When I dropped them off she had them laying out still and they seen them. She knew they where coming but didn't bother. I don't know what she's going to do now because some off the presents where going to be from Santa and she will reck it if she still gives them those presents. Her problem not mine. Had to also buy Elf on The Shelf at my house because she is wrecking that for the youngest two also. Not doing anything with the doll and her and OM are being rude and mocking the doll infront of the kids. So I've been really having fun with it at my house. Kids are loving it!

Have been really feeling second best with her so that's been fueling me for the last week. Have been very nice but not a doormat. Every time I do except a call or text or see her, I say to my self I'm not second best to nobody.

Last night got a call from her asking why the furnace was not working. Told her to check a few things. Finally figured out that she ran out of propane again. She made a comment that she would call and get some but if they didn't come tonight she would just come and stay at my place for the night(her family lives a couple of miles away). Inadvertently I threw her comment that she always uses in our convos "I think that would confuse the kids to much". She didn't respond and we said goodbye. I thought it was a great comeback after I hung up. I laughted to myself for awhile. She called this morning to say that they wanted to charge her an extra 200 because she let it go dry twice in a row. And she was not going to pay it. And asked if I could still call because it's still my property as well. I told yes but you live there but I could see what I could do. She said it was very cold last night and a very cold shower this morning. I couldn't help my self but say I think someone probably kept you warm last night anyways. She said just please call and see what you can do other wise I'll have to just take me and the kids, when I get them back, and go live with my mom or stay at your place. I hung up and have been trying to see what I could do. So she calls me again and asks well did you find out anything. I can't afford it so just let me know or I'll let the pipes freeze and move out. Because I can't afford that and Christmas. I said well because of Christmas I can't help either so we will see what we can do. She said AGAIN well if nothing else I'll come live at your place. I said you know you can't because you are with OM. And I'm not going to live like that. She said you have said that a couple of times now. I know this and I wouldn't be with him. I said I'm not going to discuss this any further. I will see what I could do with the propane company and let you know. I know the propane company isn't going to budge, so I don't know what she is going to do. I'm not letting her stay at my house while being with OM. Not going to happen. And we all know she won't just drop him. So we will see what happens.

Me and they kids are having a fish fry tonight supper happy!

[Little]

Couple of things I see here:

This mess is of her own making and now she's asking you to bail her out. That ain't fair, especially with OM in the picture and her making these choices.

I'm not vet but I'd say THE KIDS could stay with you and she's free to figure out what she's going to do on her own.

Failing that, she's right. If your name is still on the property, and the pipes break and ruin the house, the headache is partially yours; whether or not the responsibility to pay for the propane to keep the heat on is yours or not (and I don't think it should be).