BD and 6 months later PA confirmed (2)

[Georgiabelle]

Bunches,

I'm sorry things are a bit uncomfortable with h. It appears to be a common sentiment amongst the WAS that everyone has been in control of all elements of their lives except them. And while many LBS tend to like control (I'm waiving my arms, jumping up and down and doing a split), the reality is we only control ourselves. That being said (and this is mind reading) don't be so sure she is gearing up for a custody battle. She may just be uncomfortable and trying to "control" something. Yes, a does need both parents in his life so try to do what is right by him.

When it comes to careers, many people may tell you not to move. Unfortunately, you do have to provide for yourself and son so I'm in the other camp. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do to survive.

Hang in there. Try to stay focused and stay calm. Good luck!

[Barrybran]

What care arrangements can you provide for your son while you're at work, Bunches? Can you get back to your home state reasonably frequently? How would your son deal with travel?

[Bunches]

Thanks GB! I'm glad to have the encouragement. It was a rough first conversation and W was not accepting what so ever of the idea of S and I moving further away. She decided to give me a speech about her not lying down for me making decisions on how our visitation is going to work anymore without saying anything. I don't get how she expects this to work. Its not like I am willing to live with her dropping by our home every day. And her current visitation is not outrageous. She has every other weekend Friday evening through Sunday evening plus one week night per week. Is that so abnormal?

Barry, I wanted to answer your questions...curious where you are going. With my current job and the one I will have there I'm able to provide 1 on 1 daycare, which is important to S because of his aversion to loud groups of kids. He gets scared in daycares with lots of kids because screaming upsets him (autism). I've even been looking to enroll him in a private school which I can afford. It takes up most of the money I should be saving but if it makes a difference in his advancement then I'm all for it. Also, my hours are set for this new job 8:30 - 5 while W is on a changing schedule ranging from anywhere between 6 am to 11 pm and some Saturdays. So for me its only after school care for a couple hours.

It would be about a 5 hour drive from where we live now so I'm assuming I would make the trip back one weekend a month and W would make the trip up to see S on another weekend a month. S is normally okay in the car but wants to get out like any other kid once cooped up past a few hours. Travel would not be fun and not my favorite option for him.

For me though a lot of this is about financial stability. Currently I pay for everything S needs. His ABA therapy, Summer Camp, toys, clothes, food, entertainment... W gives us less than $300 per month currently and thats it. She lives paycheck to paycheck because her money keeps going to things she wants to do with friends, plus drinking and smoking. If I don't have an income like I do today, we lose out on a lot. Plus I can't be sure whatever I end up having to do after this has a schedule that gives me time to get home at a fair hour every day for him.

[Barrybran]

Hey, I'm with you 100%. An income is better than no income. I ask because these questions will come up, particularly the ones regarding your son in a new situation with new people. It sounds like you handled the conversation about as well as you could. Unfortunately, it will probably get harder before it gets easier.

[Bunches]

You are definitely right about that. It will get more difficult before it gets better. W wants to meet tonight to exchange S back to me so we can discuss while he plays on an indoor playground. W decided to make some arguements on Friday that I don't agree with. She believes that I should see she has had S best interest at heart and deserves my cooperation for that. Her arguement was that she had S best interest when she left him with me and when she didn't push back at all at first when we had schedule changes early in the year. But to me that's entirely invalid. She left because A and OM were more important and she needed them. To have them she couldn't take S with her and feel like a good mom. Some of these choices in S interest are just the best available choice while still getting what she wanted most.

She is using those arguements as a defense for me needing to 'grow up' and do what is best now. I don't think I should stop to argue the point though, am I right? I just need to stick to what is going to work for me? Do I need her to understand why I'm doing what I'm doing?

[Barrybran]

Not really. At the end of the day, you've got to be able to feed yourself. If you can't do that in your current state then you've got to do what you've got to do to be able to feed yourself and your son.

[Bunches]

Had the follow up conversation with W tonight. Have mixed feelings about the whole thing. We talked about the possible move out of state and she was so stiff about it and kept saying she was probably just not going to accept it. Then she told me she had been thinking about just fighting for custody cause she felt like she should so she could tell him one day that she fought for him. Then she said I seemed to have my mind made up and was probably going to go anyways but didn't see how I could without her permission.

Through most of this I'm just trying to talk about like business. Discuss the options and the pros / cons to each. I didn't let it get away with me but when she said I could not do anything without her permission it just slipped out. I said I could just get a custody order. She looked shocked. I said I'm not saying I would or will but back when I consulted in May they said it would be the best option if we went contested. Which the lawyer did say because of the A and abandonment with her just having walked out, no child support and all. I didn't elaborate the details just mentioned it as a possible. She fell apart at that point and spent the next hour of conversation balling.

We talked about several things. She turned to R at some points trying to explain that she had come to me a couple weeks before BD saying things needed to change but that I just blew her off. I do kind of remember the conversation but I thought it was about money and vacation times because of stress. Just goes to show I really wasn't focused on the right things either then. Anyhow she seemed more willing to sign papers agreeing to my custody saying that she didn't feel like she would have a choice either way. I talked about the needs to the job and what it could mean for S but I think she couldn't get her mind off how much she would not see him.

She did draw back the conversation at one point to why I had said a couple weeks back that I could not trust her with all the lies. She started to tell me that I knew everything and that it was all out in the open. I asked if she remembered the conversation in May where she would never see or talk to OM again or see any other man as long as we were still M. Then asked if she held up to either of those. She cried and went on about how sorry she was and knew she was wrong for the way she had handled everything. I didn't spend time comforting but said I didn't want to make her feel bad, that wasn't my interest.

I know...I shouldn't have gotten into details but when she started fishing for why feeling all justified about me being mean I just didn't know how to avoid at least a little talk. It was about an hour and a half long talk over fast food while S played. W said she had arranged a talk with a L tomorrow but didn't know what to do now. I'm just going to proceed for now on the paperwork, having it modified to include both same state and separate states visitation schedules. Trying not to think about all her regret talk tonight. I don't want to start my old wishful thinking ways.

2 x 4 if you must...I felt overall good about the night even though I did some definite no no's.

[twinmom]

I think you were fine. The truth hurts and that's on her to deal with.

[Sotto]

Hi Bunches

Sounds like the convo went as well as it could have done, and you handled things well. There are some 'reality' bites in there for your W and it sounds like she isn't finding that easy. Well done to you....

Toots

[Bunches]

So shocking turn of events...at least for me. I was expecting a full on argument at some point about this whole move. W messages me around lunch wanting to talk on the phone. I call her and she is a mess, having not slept all night going over how to work this out. She consulted a L this morning and sounds like he didn't paint a picture of a lot of options for her. She insisted on telling me first that she was only even considering this because all things said and done, its the best thing for S support. She would like us to arrange the D with custody arrangement so S and I will move to NC for this job and she would like the following stipulations given:

1. I get Sole Physical custody, not Sole Custody (which had already been said)
2. S spends 1 week visit before or after Christmas each year
3. S spends Spring Break with her every year
4. S spends 1 month with her each summer while I visit instead
5. Insists on phone time every night (which I can live with if its flexible and if she is willing to provide the means)
6. Discounted child support to allow the travel to and from (hotel stay / gas / etc..)

Not what I was expecting but fairly reasonable. Of course she said she isn't agreeing yet. She just wants to get some thoughts out on the table and agreed to before signing. Sounds like she is thinking about trying to abandon life here to move up there when she can but sounds really torn about it. It was a sad call but I kept to myself. She was sobbing the entire time.

I guess it sounds like I'll be migrating to the "Divorced but not done" forum next month. I don't know. My detached feeling these days has me kind of wondering if I'm reaching 'done' faster than I would have expected. Its just not hitting me that hard anymore.