What he puts on there is not a reflection on you -- remember that. And if there is one thing I've learned this year it's that no one is perfect.
I am learning that one for sure, I think I was afraid (maybe still am) that if people knew the H he his now, it would make it harder for him to come back, knowing that people know what he's done to me and the kids. I can't worry about that. He's in God's hands and I certainly cannot control him.
Originally Posted By: Kimmerz
And at one time, my ex husband was a happily married man in love with his wife and his children! As I look back at how things went from great to horrible, it all fell within the MLC pre requesites! Huge life changes, death in the family, near death experience with him, dissatisfaction with his job, job stress, then home life stress due to me working and no time for us.
My husband too. Everyone who learns about us splitting is just completely shocked. WE were the ones that everyone wanted to be like! I tell them, I am as shocked by this turn of events as anyone. I had no clue he was unhappy until it was too late. By the time I had any idea of problems he had already left in his own mind and just sort of went through the motions of counseling and "working on it" while all the while dating others behind my back. Ugh. I can't believe who he is right now.
123Gwen, our situations are so similar. You are doing so well, from what this newbie at all of this can tell. I agree, reading others stories and what is happening to them is so helpful for me too.
Today I took my Grandmother home. I just love spending time with her, she is such a wonderful woman and I am so blessed to still have her in my life. We had such a nice visit, talking, analyzing and watching trashy TV. She even read the Men in Midlife book while she was here and said "It's like H wrote this!", he is so classic MLC. She says she thinks he will come out of this and come back to us but that it will be a while longer and the guilt and shame will likely be the biggest issue with his return. She laughs at him and the OW, it's such an obvious mismatch it's *almost* funny.
Working on getting back into school today. Yay for doing something all about ME!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Had a decent day yesterday. Met with my pastor who told me that he thinks that H and I WILL reconcile at some point, likely 2-3 years or more down the road (as the MLC and life takes its course he says). He thinks that H will likely have to D, remarry OW and then D again before he comes to his senses. This is a huge turnaround because he has always said that he thought we would likely never reconcile due to my H's very adamant decision to D. He told me that he had told me that in the past because he needed me to begin to accept that there will be a D and begin to move forward with my own life. He feels like I am making good progress there so he felt comfortable in giving me shared hope. He does intend to keep me moving forward, though, and said he will press me on letting go and taking care of myself as we go along. I'm just happy to have another person join me in hope.
I also spoke to H for about an hour yesterday. It was a good conversation about his upcoming trip home for Thanksgiving weekend (I will let him have the kids to himself starting Friday) and he also plans to go to all family functions as normal for Christmas this year and says he is fine with me being there with the kids as normal. I am so happy to hear this, I was dreading either him not coming home for Christmas or me being "uninvited" (by myself, so that the kids don't have to miss their Dad I would not go instead if it came down to that). I realize that this, like my D's birthday party, may change as we get closer to the holiday so I am just keeping up my prayers in this area.
Our conversation was long mostly because he wanted to talk about our financial deal and I had to explain my reasons for many of the things I added so that he knew where I was coming from (ie: length of spousal support needs to be longer than normal due to him living across the country which does not allow me to work). Sometimes things that are written do not come across the way you want them to or the reasoning is unclear so we discussed much of that and he *seemed* to be agreeable to most of it. We shall see, it's a negotiation, I guess.
Did some more work on getting back into school today. I think I will only be able to do 1 class next semester but then go back full time in the fall when all of my kids are in school or pre-school. Exciting developments!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Wow your pastor seems to really have a grasp on the situation.
I can understand where he was coming from in regards to encouraging you there was going to be a divorce and it was time to accept it.
As I continue my path, I really can see how reconciliation would have to follow the sequence in which your pastor has stated. Divorce, re marry, divorce again, with the hopes of total clarification of the choices he's made. However, if it ever does get to that point, you must consider where you will be at that point in time.
I can possibly see this happening with my XH. However, I don't have any desire to reconcile with him as a couple. I would really like to clear the air and talk about things, but so much water has gone under the bridge, I really can't see us more than good friends.
fthnluv - I'm very likely going to be starting 'negotiations' with H soon. How do you keep your cool when talking about these things with him? How do you not get angry? How does that stay below the surface? How do you have a conversation that stays pleasant? I having a VERY difficult time imagining how this is ever going to happen without a neutral third party there - to talk FOR me! I just feel like the moment I mention that I'm entitled to half of H's pension, all he!! will break loose. Maybe I'm wrong - I hope I am...Any wise words?
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I think that all you have to explain to him is that unless you both agree to something that the court will probably split everything down the middle. You will give him half your retirement and he will give you half of his. Tell him you won't be bullied and won't allow his anger to influence things. He can either be willing to calmly discuss things and work out an agreement or the lawyers and court will do it for you at great expense. Pay now or pay later.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I really can see how reconciliation would have to follow the sequence in which your pastor has stated. Divorce, re marry, divorce again, with the hopes of total clarification of the choices he's made. However, if it ever does get to that point, you must consider where you will be at that point in time.
Yes, that is the great unknown. At this point I am so new to this I can't possibly imagine being at a place where I do not want to reconcile with H and restore our family but who knows what lies ahead, right?
Originally Posted By: LiveNow
fthnluv - I'm very likely going to be starting 'negotiations' with H soon. How do you keep your cool when talking about these things with him? How do you not get angry? How does that stay below the surface? How do you have a conversation that stays pleasant?
LOL! I laugh at the idea that I might have any wise words as I am so new to this yet. I think I keep my cool because I know I have to, first of all. In fact, there was a time when I was so calm and cool it freaked H out. Secondly, we've always had a very easygoing relationship. We were the couple that never fought (I realize now that that can be a warning sign) but it still applies. H truly wants to do right by us, at least from the financial point of view, so there's not really much to argue with. He sent me, in writing, his offer of a settlement and it was(is) very reasonable so it was just a matter of some clarifications and a few changes to amounts of time which he *seemed* open to.
But, keep in mind, my H was apparently very unhappy with many things I've done or said in the past 23 years and never said so, he hates conflict so he might just be keeping his mouth shut to avoid conflict again now. Then again, I'm sure he's still in the guilt stage so it could be that too. Not sure that helps you but it's the situation I'm in.
I actually count my blessings regularly with all of this, so far the kids are ok (Daddy's been gone 2 years for work so they didn't have to get used to that) he's been continuing to pay the bills and he's been pretty nice to me most of the time. Crossing my fingers this continues. I know I am one of the lucky ones in this regards.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Your H sounds just like mine...the part about apparently being very unhappy with many things over 23 years...and avoiding conflict, and keeping his mouth shut -- and the guilt! He already listed the 'assets' but of course conveniently left out his pension and any spousal support. It's not going to be pretty. Bracing myself. But you are right - pay now or pay later...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Oops, those were LT's wise words - pay now or pay later. Thanks LT.
Oh and I just can't believe he would be that naive to think he can get away without paying pension or support, or that he may think I am the naive one for not knowing what I'm entitled to! Silly.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
but of course conveniently left out his pension and any spousal support. It's not going to be pretty.
Do you think he did that purposely or is it just part of the whole not-being-in-his-right-mind thing? I don't know, I sometimes cut my H a lot more slack than most because I truly feel like this is not my true H, it's some crazy alien that has taken over his body and I pray that my H (or a better version) will one day emerge.
Either way, they (our MLC'ers) are so, so sad. As hard as this is I don't think I'd want what is truly going on in them, whether the recognize it or not, in trade.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
I would not read a lot into what he puts in or leaves out. What you have to concentrate on is what is best for you and what you will accept. It is like a business agreement at this point, nothing else. When you look at it just keep in mind what will keep you up at night and what you can sleep with. if something does not feel good for you, then fix that. Your spouse will do crazy things. Mine walked away from everything including the house in her draft agreement. I am having things changed to make it fair and right. That I can live with. If you do the same for yourself then you will be ok.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
