Something BEAUTIFUL is on the Horizon...

[BrightFuture]

I know that you feel that if you detach you may lose the love. If you detach, you are giving up. That is scary.

uR, you hit the nail in the head. This is exactly what my fear is.

Shining, interesting perspective about getting out of H’s way. I have that in my sithc, big time. I’m out of his way completely. Well, almost with the exception of company business sometimes and the vacation home. But I haven’t seen him or talked to him since May. I still feel like it is to my disadvantage, not benefit.

I’m glad to see that you are doing good. Have a great weekend.

[daring]

"Fn selfish ridiculous man-child A$$hat."

I just wanted to tell you that my immature inner child thoroughly enjoyed this phrase!!!

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I do the same thing as you- I feel down and worse after seeing H. A lot of my dimness ( can't go completely as we share 4 kids) is to protect myself right now.

Don't know if you've read it or not but I just finished " the journey from abandonment to healing". I found it helpful- good exercises that can be put into practice daily and help when you are feeling the way you described.
Sending hugs!!

[Mighty]

Shining,

Drink mercury? I love it. I always say "drink lighter fluid". Sending you a hug my friend.

I prefer chardonnay.... but that's me.

SHINING!!!!!! uR is spot on with her post. It may do you some good to just get some distance. I know you have and you are doing swimmingly (I have never used that phrase), but I think I would help to take a break altogether for a little while. Give him something to think about, ya know?

Maybe I'm way off with this, but I think it would be good for you. I think it would be good for him, too. He has you on his mind... all your glorious hotness and all that... what would it be like for him if you were too busy to hang out with Chef Boyardee?

Find your place, girl. Find something different. Go do it and enjoy it. It doesn't have to be over-the-top or anything. Just something to look forward to. And new and exciting!

[Shining]

Thanks, Bright, daring, and Mighty.

Yeah.....Might. You and uR and everyone else.... I know. I totally know.

I'm not doing myself any favors by being available. I'm not in the desperate needy way I was, though. I'm just really not doing anything to be unavailable.

Trying not to be too tough on myself, since I've had a lot going on with kiddos. I do need to do better, tho. For me.

I have more digging to do. And I'm not looking forward to that. It takes a lot of energy I don't have. Although, if I don't do it, I'll never have the energy to get to where I want to be.

Here's what's bothering me:

I'm still spinning about the conversation 2 weeks ago with xh. Where he acknowledged everything. It's bringing up a lot of past hurt and stuff. And old wounds. And suddenly I'm feeling small again? Why? I should feel awesome that he said that stuff, right?

I can't quite sort it out.

H isn't on really my mind as much anymore, overall. Even this last thing, I move on from it quicker each time. I hurt, yes. I can process it, and get out of that so much better now.

I'm still soooooooooo reluctant to put myself out there. Why? What the he!! am I afraid of, for goodness sakes??

All my worst fears of rejection and abandonment have pretty much happened in the most destructive and horrible way possible .......soooo....what could be worse?

Why am I stuck? I make a plan to make a plan...then I talk myself out of it. And I'm a GOOD talker. I believe me. Even when I'm lying to myself.

Is this not the most ridiculous thing?

[LiveNow]

Shining, I totally get the part about moving on quicker each time from our H's antics. Feel like I keep getting punched in the gut, but each time it hurts a little less, and I get right back up now; a year ago, it would take me days to regroup from every hurt I had to endure. When you say your are 'reluctant to put yourself out there', do you mean in the situation with your H? Or in other situations, general life situations? Do you feel stuck that you can't decide whether to move on, and file for D? Or stuck that you can't make more progress with H?

I've also said that my current sitch is about the worst thing i can think of to happen in my life -- same here, rejection and abandonment fears. But we grow stronger knowing we are handling it, however inept we feel at doing so sometimes...it did not kill us, like we thought it might! Honestly, you've gone through SO much, and survived. Doesn't sound like there is much you can't handle!

[uRworthy]

You know, Shining, when I was going through this, there were times when it seemed to play out like a game. I didnt like the feel of that. I am so not a game player.

I tried really hard to live my life according to what felt right to me. Sometimes it wasnt perfect dbing. But it was more important for me to be true to me.

You dont have to do anything until you are ready to do it. But, having said that, I will tell you what I believe.

I think he needs to feel the loss of you. Not as a ploy. Not as a way to get him back or as a punishment. But because I think it is what should be the natural consequences of the choices he is making.

As long as he knows you are avaiblable, he has no reason to do any work.

But more importantly, it is necessary for you. Much as you think you understand, it still affects you deeply. As long as it does, you stay kinda stuck.

You have had a lot of stuff to deal with. That's why I think it is really important for you to start to take care of you some.

Because there are some more things coming up that you need to deal with..like your son moving and getting through the holidays and I dont want to see you overwhelmed.

I hear you on the digging. The thing about that is that it is ultimately for you.

I dont blame you for thinking about everything your xh said. That was a whole lot to absorb. It was years of you thinking maybe you could have done better.

Let's work through why that would make you feel small.

I think part of why you dont put yourself out there is that you just dont feel like it but you feel you should. Your tired, S, of all the mental stuff you have had to deal with. It wears you out. It's so much.

So, maybe give yourself a break for right now. It's ok. You need to regroup and gain your strength back.

You have put yourself out there with a new job and on here and meeting up with us.

Do something small, S. Just for you for now. Plenty of time to do other things when you are ready. Maybe you are scared, but, as long as you are moving forward and I think you are - that is what matters.

[Shining]

Thank you, LiveNow and uR.

I feel like I've gone backwards since xh talking to me.

On the one hand, it was extremely validating to hear what I heard. It is comforting to know he is a better person, for the best reason of all...the kids.

On the other hand? This may sound strange..... It was another form of a shoe dropping. It was unexpected. It made me revisit so much I didn't want to remember and have to feel again. Those were very bad years and I thought it was all in the past. To hear him explain his thinking back then....It made me confused because I was so sure he would never....and he did.

So now I don't trust anything I think. I don't trust me.

So right now, I'd rather stay inside and be safe. Away from things I may have to trust myself with.

There is just so much crazy around....I feel like I'm losing it myself some days.

Yep. Pretty much that.

[Shining]

And it just occurred to me, that within the past one year, both my xh and my current H have done a 180 in who they were. Who I thought they were. How they acted. How they treated us.

The crazy one got better. The better one went crazy.

I can't wrap my head around this all.

[Shining]

Just got a call from S18 and booked his flight home for Christmas!!!

Smiling big.

[Ggrass]

And it just occurred to me, that within the past one year, both my xh and my current H have done a 180 in who they were. Who I thought they were. How they acted. How they treated us.

The crazy one got better. The better one went crazy.

I can't wrap my head around this all.

Nods yup, same here. The crazee angry one had already become less angry and now he's being nice and and..... It's feeling so weird.

The normal ones acting totally nuttso, it's like Alice in wonder land. The whole small towns talking and saying wtf?

It's not just me now who has seen crazee, his son, my farm tenants seen flashes as well. The farm tenant is talking to me and was told just watch his words and actions match, I did fill him before I knew better. I was worried that h might have carried out his threats of to killing him self.