My MLC Zombie Apocalypse Part II

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Better equipment...makes me laugh. All I can think about is a high chrome polish jack rabbit personal massager with 16 different modes.

[daring]

J3B I just spit out my water laughing so hard!!! To be honest it might be b/c I purchased one of those once I saw this was going to be such a long journey....

Cali- I have done and said so many similar things. I kept thinking that if I shared MY path I wasn't fixing, just being helpful. Ummmm, duh, I was fooling myself!! ( duh meant for me as I'm very psychologically oriented but stubborn as he!!- fun combination).

I finally had to just stop talking. And for awhile I actually even pushed him away when he tried to talk to me. Prob not a good idea but I just couldn't deal- would get so frustrated and couldn't keep my mouth shut!
I think I'm getting better. The more I work on abandonment and inner child issues the more my anger stage dissipates.
Are you reading any particular books or going to IC to delve into your stuff? Not judging- just asking. I'm stuck in many of the same places you are. It's painful but necessary I think or we won't complete our part of the journey.

[AJM]

Leads to a question .. are there MLC degree's ... some worse than others .. maybe things trigger them into more craziness than ones who feel safe at home with the spouse.

I even went on to let myself be humored by envisioning what kind of train wreck would happen if two married people hit MLC at the same time .... warm up that popcorn!!

Yeah, there are degrees. Many seem to be aspiring for the black belt double-masters degree If you want to see what that looks like, check the archives. If they have not been purged, there are several stories of just that. And no, it's not pretty. I think a more interesting story is that of two MLCr's that leave their families and get together. That's more popcorn worthy

You got some great advice and even had J3B share some of his personal thinking (scary); he seems fixated on toys by the look of it

Give yourself more space, Cali. You're doing very well, but your perspective still seems to be a a little off. I'm thinking with some more space, things will become much clearer for you. They have already, but still seems a little fog is in the way.

By the way, did you get that clean bill of health?


AJ

[CaliGuy]

J3B I just spit out my water laughing so hard!!! To be honest it might be b/c I purchased one of those once I saw this was going to be such a long journey....

Cali- I have done and said so many similar things. I kept thinking that if I shared MY path I wasn't fixing, just being helpful. Ummmm, duh, I was fooling myself!! ( duh meant for me as I'm very psychologically oriented but stubborn as he!!- fun combination).

I finally had to just stop talking. And for awhile I actually even pushed him away when he tried to talk to me. Prob not a good idea but I just couldn't deal- would get so frustrated and couldn't keep my mouth shut!
I think I'm getting better. The more I work on abandonment and inner child issues the more my anger stage dissipates.
Are you reading any particular books or going to IC to delve into your stuff? Not judging- just asking. I'm stuck in many of the same places you are. It's painful but necessary I think or we won't complete our part of the journey.

Yeah ... I did not realize sharing a portion of how I was dealing would be considered "fixing" ... no one would have pointed that out ... hence how this board has been such a blessing. I see it, and now its something I am focused on removing.
I have been going to an IC, but its more focused on rebuilding me, GAL, 180's ... finding my self esteem ... yanno that stuff that is completely stripped from you ... feels like that dream you have and you are naked and embarrassed. I do plan on bringing this up soon. I have been really thinking aobut it .. my father was always gone, the start of the abandonment issues .. then W "Dear John'd" me about 2 years into us dating as I was in the Gulf War. Things to look into that's for sure.

[CaliGuy]

Leads to a question .. are there MLC degree's ... some worse than others .. maybe things trigger them into more craziness than ones who feel safe at home with the spouse.

I even went on to let myself be humored by envisioning what kind of train wreck would happen if two married people hit MLC at the same time .... warm up that popcorn!!

Yeah, there are degrees. Many seem to be aspiring for the black belt double-masters degree If you want to see what that looks like, check the archives. If they have not been purged, there are several stories of just that. And no, it's not pretty. I think a more interesting story is that of two MLCr's that leave their families and get together. That's more popcorn worthy

You got some great advice and even had J3B share some of his personal thinking (scary); he seems fixated on toys by the look of it

Give yourself more space, Cali. You're doing very well, but your perspective still seems to be a a little off. I'm thinking with some more space, things will become much clearer for you. They have already, but still seems a little fog is in the way.

By the way, did you get that clean bill of health?


AJ

I asked about the degrees because reading ... sure there does seem to be a difference in the way a male and a female deal with it .. similar but does seem to be certain differences. And reading so many of the stories here I just get a feel as I read that someone may be a 6 out of 10 .. others an 8 and a few more like a 4 ... none good, but read long enough and you realize you have it better than some and worse than others.

Thank you for asking.... The headaches I think were stress and vision related ... the headaches are not nearly as bad... though I have noticed if I have a high stress day, they are there ... that I can deal with.

[CaliGuy]

So bit of an Update ... and just adding more to the crazy week.

So W asks me Friday when I will have time for our tax talk. (We got a refund .. then I looked at the Docs, Accountant did not put in her wages (Maybe he is in MLC too .. who knows how one misses that) .... so now we owe. I told her I had plans Saturday, she was mildly upset asking me when I would make finaces a priority ... I told her we could set up a time this weekend, she asked about the football game I was taking S to ... I invited her but was more of a "I am going regardless .. you are welcome to join" type thing .. I really did not think she would join.

So Saturday morning she TM asking if we could go earlier .. she wanted to go to the gift shop, This is where she went to college, and where we spent a good deal of time while we were dating .. we also got married there. I replied that I would arrive an hour earlier, I went and had my car detailed .. got a haircut .. was actually excited to go to this game, small college, just a cool vibe.
I arrive, she greets me with a smile and a nice hug ... was unexpected .. but very nice to start the day this way. We load up and drive down .. about 45 minutes, the conversation was actually fun and light hearted. I can not explain it .. I was PMA .. but even then .. it was like 4 years ago .. she was really being nice and enjoying the day. We went to the University, the Gift shop, went out to lunch, then the game (they won on a 45 yard bomb with 4 seconds left .. winning the conference... and yes my W missed it as she was in the bathroom .. lol), and after she asked if we could go to mass. I was floored, So Mass .. then went home and talked about S and a few things he is going through, decided to take him home with me.

Saturday was the first day I can recall in a LONG time, nothing forced, felt ... dare I say normal. I constantly reminded myself to STFU, listen, don't fix ... I TM her all the pics I took on my phone, she told me she was not feeling well (she mentioned this during the day) I thanked her for the day and told her I hoped she felt better. She TM this morning, still light ... will meet up a bit to talk the taxes, run some errands with S, go out to lunch with him ... just enjoying a break from the MLC drama honestly.

In the past ... I would be all over this .. thinking its all fixed and better, I know better now!!! Just taking this upswing for what its worth, which is not much. She TM last night mentioning that her mind is slipping and it concerns her, she also was completely obsessed as we took pics that they were far enough away to not show "the wrinkels" ... the past few months this has been a big theme, age, how old do I look, blah blah blah. I was just happy she went to church with us, I think its been a month since she has gone as far as I know. I am not sure what brought on this change in her, I welcome it for as long as it decides to stay, was a small peek at the woman I married and it was really similar to that feeling you get when you look at an old picture and have that nostalgic feeling, and a smile.

I will continue to work on my stuff as I have, funny .. I have no expectations from what happened yesterday, none .. was a nice day and I appreciate that. Still work to do on me, focus on not letting the highs get to high nor the lows get to low.

[AJM]

I asked about the degrees because reading ... sure there does seem to be a difference in the way a male and a female deal with it .. similar but does seem to be certain differences. And reading so many of the stories here I just get a feel as I read that someone may be a 6 out of 10 .. others an 8 and a few more like a 4 ... none good, but read long enough and you realize you have it better than some and worse than others.

Fair enough. I made light of it because, well, it's different for everyone. And comparing one to the other is not really helpful except to help you keep perspective. You already seem to have perspective - some are "worse" than others.
Then again, how do you define "worse" vs. "easier"? My idea and yours will be as varied as the MLC episodes.

Watch out for how you handle stress. If migraines/headaches are how your body reacts to stress that can be rough. I know for me the doc says stress has affected my vision. I can't imagine what would have stressed me in the last few years, but I'll go with his diagnosis (two of them really) for now.

Stress is a killer. You might want to be sure to bring it up with the IC when you next talk.

Glad the weekend was decent and relaxing. Nice to get those times now and again...


AJ

[AJM]

Meant to mention - if you want to hear about various degrees of MLC still, you may want to look in the archives for Job's posts and her thoughts on that. If I recall correctly, she mentioned some things about that.

AJ

[CaliGuy]

Thank you AJ ... was more of a curiosity/observation really than anything ... nothing that would help me with my sitch.

So Update. As I kind of guessed ... Saturday was just a nice pleasant dare I say normal day. Sunday I had S, had him doing chores and his homework, W TM me so we can meet and go over taxes. We meet up and the paperwork did not match up, this is a hot topic area (Money) for us .. I kept it light and was calm. We ended up agreeing we needed more information, decided to just put it aside and have lunch. After lunch S wanted to go to Target, she said she had a coupon, but we had to spend $100 .... I was not looking at dropping that much, but between the two of us maybe. So we get in the cars ... I ask her to roll down her window to make sure we are going to the same store ... This evidently is a trigger for her, not sure why/what happened but my motion of "Roll your window down" brought up bad memories for her. I apologized that it made her feel that way but told her in no way did I mean anything ill-willed by it. She was not having any over it so I decided ... ok .. I am not going to follow her around and try to make it up, if she has an issue with THAT, I will just let her be. I told S to grab his item so I could pay for it and we would be on our way... he said goodbye to her as did I and we left.
She TM that she is sensitive about how I treat her, went on to how she will not allow anyone to treat her that way .. I just ignored the TM, holding to my boundary of no more fighting, no more negative type talk via TM.

Later around 5-6 she TM asking to talk to S, typically this happens around 8, so ofcourse I assume she must have plans .... I caught myself thinking OM, decided to let it go .. she will do what ever she will do. So S calls after we had dinner, I was watching Netflix on the computer and S hand me the phone .. they were on Facetime and she asked to talk to me ... she was in her old green robe ... looked really depressed. I asked if she was ok, she told me yes (Ya know .. the non-convincing type) .. then went on to tell me she was lonely, went on to tell me what I did sent her into a depression ... again I told her I honestly just wanted to find out what store we were going to. She started getting more upset and ended up hanging up. I know I can not fix this .. just hate seeing her like this.... but was relieved in a strange way she was lonely ... not sure what is going on with OM.

So .. this morning I drop S off .. she was wearing a dress that I have told her she looks great in (Kills me to see her in it honestly) So I say goodbye to S , wish her a good day and am about to leave but she stops me, I ask if she is ok, she asks me how I handle being alone. I told her its hard .. Then she starts in on how she is a mess, she is confused and does not know what she wants. She says she makes a decision and then I get mad so then she has to change her mind. Then she said something like .. "If I decide to do this then later dont want it then what?" I was confused and told her I really did not want to talk about it and ruin a day. Trying to get out of any R talk that was about to happen. Then she explained to me how she felt nothing for me ... was starting to trust me again but after yesterday it just brought back all these horrible memories. I told her that I felt she put me in a box, and just waits for any small thing to remind her of the past just to keep me in that box, I have tried very hard not to be that person anymore, the old Cali is dead, as is out old relationship and old marriage. She said she has enjoyed the things we have done but the day to day stuff will revert back to the old ways and that is what she does not want ... then she said she just wants to be friends, feels nothing just has the memories.

I get she is confused .. and maybe thats good .. maybe not. No D was brought up .. she asked about the holidays saying we had not made a decision... I told her I had in fact decided Thanksgiving already, I wanted her to take S up to her parents because I want him surrounded by family ... she made a comment that there is not a family, I told her its the closest thing to family he is going to get, because just being alone with his father is not what I want for him, family is important and I want him surrounded by as many family members as possible. She told me "You never wanted that before" ... I softly told her .. alot of things have changed, I wished her a good day and left.

Other than that .. just another day on the MLC roller coaster.

[CaliGuy]

Thoughts as I am obsessing over the weekends events.

I am not detached
I am to available for her
She is not afraid of losing me .. because I am always right there.
She is going through her depression, I can not help her, can't fix it.
She is confused, I can not help her make a choice.
I am afraid of dropping the rope and losing her ... but I know I have to
She only talks D when she is upset.
I need to get back to my center, I had it ... got reeled back in somehow.