Wife having emotional affair part 3

[Mozza]

Fantastic! Congratulations to you and your son. Gosh, I love to read good news around here.

[3kids]

I'm so confused but not really. It's difficult to say. I know how I should act and I'm doing it in a way. My question is this. When a WAW shows signs of maybe wanting it to work how can you tell?

This is what's going on. Had that talk with the wife two nights ago. It was a good convo and she really opened up and showed a ton of remorse and asked questions about the future. I worked late last night, went out had a cup of coffee with a friend and went home. When I got home the wife called I answer and she needed a outfit that I had for the daughter for school. The kids where little kids where sleeping, so she asked if I could bring it over. I him and ha and said ok. I bring the stuff over and some other stuff for the oldest for hunting this weekend. Grab some mail and say goodnight. She says good bye in a sad voice. And I asked if she was ok. She said no and asked if we could go back or has to much happen already. She said that we both have spent so much money and didn't know how it would look if we where to work it out to every one, on her behalf, like she messed up. I told her money comes and goes. Family are the only ones who matter in this world. Everyone else who cares. She gave me a smile. This is when I seen a guitar in the kitchen(she doesn't play). Before I got upset I asked if there was anything else. And she asked to smoke with me real quick and I said sure. She made a comment how we didn't have any spontiniouty in our marriage. That is when I told her I'm not looking for our old marriage, I'm looking for a new one. Where we can walk though life together and enjoy new and exciting things. She agreed and told me about her latest thing of zip lining. Finished up and told her I just wanted her to be happy and left.

Now today, she sent me a text telling me she broke a tooth last night after I left. Of course me being curious I asked which one. Then she told me which one and it had to be pulled. Then went into how much it costs and that we still owe for another dentist bill on the kids. And she was concerned about how much the pain killers would cost. So I called her because I wanted to find out how much was left on the kids bill. She couldn't talk mouth full of crap and painful. So we text about the bills and she didn't have any money for the pills and was all just to much to handle anymore every thing just keeps pilling up. She's super depressed and this isn't helping. I offered to pay some money on the kids bill, what I could. Then I offered to pay for the pills(no buddy should have to be in pain). She asked if at least could call and see how much they where, so I did. Turns out there cheap so she could afford them. She complained about her bill again and she has to by groceries for the kids (this I didn't offer to pay, big girl panties). She told me thank you for calling on the pills even though I don't have to do that stuff. Said your welcome and good bye.

I know no WAW is the same but if the person cares what other people think and how her peers see her. How do they ask to get back together. If they offer an olive branch do you offer back. Pulling your fingers back so you don't get hurt. Or do most of them come right out and say we should make this work.

[sandi2]

I know no WAW is the same but if the person cares what other people think and how her peers see her. How do they ask to get back together. If they offer an olive branch do you offer back. Pulling your fingers back so you don't get hurt. Or do most of them come right out and say we should make this work.

I think what you need to consider is "why" she would want back. Do you really want her back based on what her peers think of her? B/c I promise you she has not done the "heart" work, if she uses finances or people for her reason to return. You would still have a WAW living under the same roof.

If she were to come to her senses (come out of the fog) and want to do the "right thing", then the two of you could get MC to help guide you in the reconciliation and piecing. What I mean by that is she may not experience the love feelings right away, but has turned from her waywardness. What you need to avoid, is taking her back and act as if nothing ever happened. I understand wanting a new M, however, she doesn't need to think it means to sweep everything under the rug and not work out the problems.

All her woes over the financial stress she's feeling is usually what the LBH hears about first. She gives her sad song about how tough things are for her. If she brings in the subject of getting back together......anywhere close to her money woes, watch out. Remember, she has to deal with the circumstances of her reality. She couldn't see all of this happening when she was wanting to leave the M. Now that it is hitting her some, she wants to feel the financial security the M offered.

I don't know what you call extending the olive branch, but I have seen others use that phrase with their WAW. Be careful. Be very, very careful. If you don't tread lightly, she will set you up for another big letdown. I just don't think they can emotionally bounce from OM's bed back into LBH's bed that easily. Go sloooooowly.

You said she "showed" a ton of remorse. Can you give more details? What she say?

[3kids]

The peers, what people would think of her because she bolstered about wanting out of the marriage to some of our friends. And now changing her mind would contradict that.

The remorse was that she misses me and our family. Said we should have tried harder to work on communication. Was upset that both of us threatened divorce but until one person actually did it, it hit home. Was sorry for hurting me. How it was so easy at the beginning of it and it didn't bother her. But now it is so hard and doesn't feel right. Sorry we didn't work harder on our marriage and relationship. There was probably more but I can't remember every detail. My only concern was she didn't mention the kids at all.

There is something up right now and I just can't figure her out. I went out with some friends last night after hunting and got a couple out texts and phone calls. That I didn't answer because I was having fun and didn't want to reck it. Turns out the oldest needed some more hunting stuff for this weekend with his grandpa. She asked if I could bring over the stuff and I told her no but you can come get it. She stayed for awhile and we talked. She's never been a very direct person but says little things that give you info. Sounds kinda like her and OM are not great(not really a family man). Maybe doesn't have some of the same interests as her. She made comments on how our furniture that she has would look nice in my home. She talked a little about her love language and what she was lacking in the marriage(she does not know about the book). I was dead on on her love language! She made a comment that I'm absolutely hot right now. That it's not every thing that is important. We laughed and joked about something's. And I let her know how great it was to see her smiling and laughing.

I don't know if she is coming out of the fog or just trying to keep me as an option. The way she talks she would want to do the work but is scared of it not working with us. I do really worry about her reasons if she would want to return. Is it because her relationship with OM if failing, or money issues, or she can't live with out her family, or wants a easy life of not working and going to school with less stress. Question for you. How does the love not return right away. Shouldn't I be looking for that. I mean my love has never left.

[Mozza]

It looks like you're on the right track. Celebrate it. There will be good days and bad days. This one looks good to me.

You have to expect love to come back gradually. In that, love is a lot like trust. When you lose it, your run. Then you realize maybe you ran a little too far, that it's dark around here. You come back closer. Is it dangerous? No movement. Then closer, close enough for striking distance. No hurt. Let's get closer, it feels good. And then you realize it's a safe place, that you can trust again. After the kind of pain we have inflicted to our spouses over the years, we have to expect them to take a while to love us again, if they ever will. But in your case, it looks good today. Enjoy.

[sandi2]

The peers, what people would think of her because she bolstered about wanting out of the marriage to some of our friends. And now changing her mind would contradict that.

If she has had a change of heart, she will be willing to eat crow. But if she is still keeping OM in her life, I think it is you she's keeping as her backup plan.

The remorse was that she misses me and our family.

Sorry, but that's not remorse.

Said we should have tried harder to work on communication. Was upset that both of us threatened divorce but until one person actually did it, it hit home.

Where is the "I"?

Was sorry for hurting me.

Okay, an apology that you had to get hurt. That is not the intent when a WAW leaves the M, to hurt the H. I told my H that also, but was not a bit remorseful.

How it was so easy at the beginning of it and it didn't bother her. But now it is so hard and doesn't feel right.

An admission....somewhat. Still not remorse.

Sorry we didn't work harder on our marriage and relationship.

Sounds kinda like her and OM are not great(not really a family man). Maybe doesn't have some of the same interests as her. She made comments on how our furniture that she has would look nice in my home. She talked a little about her love language and what she was lacking in the marriage(she does not know about the book). I was dead on on her love language! She made a comment that I'm absolutely hot right now. That it's not every thing that is important. We laughed and joked about something's. And I let her know how great it was to see her smiling and laughing.

I think it's a setup. But you sound as if you handled your part okay.

I don't know if she is coming out of the fog or just trying to keep me as an option. The way she talks she would want to do the work but is scared of it not working with us.

I find it hard to believe she's coming out of the fog while actively having an A. She may be having some doubts that the A will continue, and she's prepping option B.

Question for you. How does the love not return right away. Shouldn't I be looking for that. I mean my love has never left.

First of all, you are not in an A. I believe I referred to her loving feelings, which are affected before the BD and especially after she enters into an A. Her brain is flooded with the PEAs that keeps her addicted. Emotionally, her heart will belong to one man at a time. In order for her heart to really belong to you again, she will have to totally end any contact with OM, go through the withdrawal stage, the depression, and start to heal. However, she could make the right decision to end contact with OM, and go the rest while trying to mend things with you. I'm just saying it will take her some time to actually "feel" the loving stuff.

It sounds as if she's trying to make all the right noises at the moment. I think she faked a stab at showing remorse, and then flirted with you the last time......getting you prepped. Some women can be good actresses.

However, let me add this...I think you probably left out a lot, and I will give it the benefit of doubt and say you didn't quote what she said, and you may have used the plural pronouns instead of her. (When I asked where was the "I" statements in her remorseful talk.) I couldn't hear her or see her face. I don't know her. But I know women pretty good, especially WAW in an A. I know how they can set up the LBH to pull the rug out from under him. And like you said, she never mentioned the kids.

I think when she truly gets remorseful, you won't have as many doubts, but IDK. In my stitch, I never left the home. I never went and had a PA with OM. That's all I can say I never did. I can't remember now exactly how long it took me, but I reached the point I actually prayed and asked God to help me feel it b/c I knew I couldn't heal until I did. My M never stood a chance without it. It finally came, and then I wanted to die from shame and regret of the damage I had done to our M, and most of all to my H. It took a long time to feel that we were getting anywhere close to normal again. One, my H refused to go to MC, and two, b/c I had to have time to work through all the withdrawal, depression, resentment, etc., etc. So, it can start with just making the right decision to end the A. I know, b/c that's what I did, but the loving feelings didn't follow for quite some time.

The good news is that she is younger than I was and so hopefully, it won't take as long.

I hope, I really hope she is beginning to see where she has messed up. Just go slowly and don't take her back too quickly before you know she has actually ended the A and no contacts are being made.

[3kids]

I get this question a lot in a text from the wife. And I try to very it up with out any detail.

Her text today- Do you work today?

I always wait a while.
Today's response was- What's up?

Her response- Nothing, just a question.

Is there a better way to be more mysterious?

[sandi2]

That seems like a good answer, IMO. You may not be working, but you have always made plans, right?

[Wet]

Her text today- Do you work today?

I always wait a while.
Today's response was- What's up?

Her response- Nothing, just a question.

Is there a better way to be more mysterious?

Hi 3kids,

Unless the text has to do with the kids, why would you respond? Try not responding to her texts like this, until you are at a better point in the relationship. Does this make sense?

[3kids]

Thanks wet, I do every now and then. But you have to remember I have a depression/anxiety issue with my wife. Plus I'm not at the dark stage yet. That would be more going dark then anything. I'm at the less available stage of where I want to be. Going dark would push her more towards OM right now. I think OM is taking care of him self with there relationship(doesn't sound good).

Thanks Sandi!