Something BEAUTIFUL is on the Horizon...

[LoisB]

Yup, I think it's easy to imagine these guys living the Hugh Hefner lifestyle (which now that he's the age he is...kinda gross)...

In your case, Mr. Playa has been watching the cooking channel.

It's never what we imagine. Well, maybe sometimes, but never to extent or degree we imagine it. I think they have big stretches of doing nothing...except trying new recipes.

You're doing great.

[Shining]

Yeah, Bright, kml, Heather.... Cuckoo McSpew sure is one for the books. An honor I never imagined being a part of....

I caught myself today, feeling small again. The mental pep-talks, exercises and walks didn't work as well. I managed to come out of it for the most part. Not complete confidence, though.

Maybe I have a lot going on or something. Not so strong today.

For starters?

I heard from S18 last night, and he is calling me again Sunday to coordinate travel for Christmas. I miss him like crazy.

I picked up other S18 from the airport late last night. He moves out of state in 3 weeks. I'm bumming about that, too.

I talked to xh last night, too. Always a treat. Wow.

^^^^^^ right there is enough to make me want to drink mercury. ^^^^^^^

So, let's see what else we can add, you know...for fun.

Ah, yes.....today, I got a few flirty texts from H. Yeah. Apparently, I did look ok the other night. Seems he's wanting to see me soon, but not until next week........on a weekday. So, which evening might I have available?

Oh, gosh.... Let me see..... A whole WEEKNIGHT? Wow. I must be special.

CAUTION: RANT AHEAD.

Ok, yep. I wanted that. I got exactly what I wanted. I wanted H to notice me. Did I expect him to suddenly snap out of MLC as if things were all better? Not at all. I know how this works.

I'm just feeling really sad about all the changes. So many. So fast. And the changes keep coming, and coming.

It's too much some days. This will wash over. I'm in it at the moment. Breathe.

I'm angry. I'm crying angry. I'm pi$$ed. I hate this. I don't want him. Not this crazy guy.

I miss my sweet H so much. And he's gone. That M is gone.

Fn selfish ridiculous man-child A$$hat.

I feel like this communication is torture. I'm the one allowing it to reel me in. I know perfectly well. Because I don't want to move on. At the same time, I definitely don't want him right now. I don't want anyone. Or anything.

It's my own fault. I know it is. I don't do enough for me. I just don't want to. And I'm tired.

What the he!! am I even doing? I am trying to outlast this. That's what I'm doing. Because I believe I can. I know I can.

Do I WANT to?

I'm not answering that. Nope. Not today.

I needed to get that out.




Oh, and MIL sent me an email checking in on the kids and me.... Feeling bad about everything, and hoping we are well.



Fan. Freaking. Tastic.


*sigh*.

[LiveNow]

Hi Shining - sorry you're having a bad day. I still have those. I just read up on your sitch yesterday. Amazing story about your XH, by the way!

I have to be honest: I would give anything to have any regular, friendly contact with my H. I have not seen him on a weekend since BD, 1 year and 5 months ago. Just weeknights. On weekends, he's with OW, who lives 1.5 hours away. My H is also acting like a nut, but I'd still like to have some opportunities to demonstrate the changes in me. I have had just about none. I'm certainly not saying 'You got it made, Shining,' but, boy, I'd trade with you if I could! True, it is NO fun trying to put up with his shenanigans, but I'd take shenanigans over nothing. It's incredibly difficult to keep acting like there is nothing 'wrong' with him and to be friendly - but it sounds like you've got that down pat. Keep at it. I don't think he's ready to let you go!

[uRworthy]

Well..ok then. LOL! Girl, I like your style.

So, first things first. The feeling small thing. I know it wont last. Why do you think you are feeling that way at this moment?

I am thinking it doesnt serve you well to see him. Because even though you know that he is going through this, you are human and you cant help but want to see if there is any change. You got to see crazy up close and it is unsettling.

I know you hate to hear this, but, this is still new. It's a long road. It's really long if you arent really detached.

I am sorry it hurts. I know you miss him. This is so hard. Especially because we cant really understand it. It isnt the way its supposed to go.

I know that you feel that if you detach you may lose the love. If you detach, you are giving up. That is scary.

You are just going to have to take a leap of faith and trust in the process.

This is going to play out either way. Live your life, become who you want to become and then see what happens in the future. Then make a decision from a place of strength.

You are so hard on yourself, my friend. You feel how you do and it's ok. You are working through it.

Now you have some valuable info. It isnt good for you to see him right now.

I want you to know what I see. I see an amazing woman, with a huge heart, a wonderful sense of humor, who is an incredible mother, a hard worker, who has such strength and spirit.

Dont allow this to define you or your life, S. Feel the feelings, then let them go.

I wrote this to SS. "Pain is part of life, and we can’t avoid it by resisting it. We can only minimize it by accepting it and dealing with it well.That means feeling the pain and knowing it will pass. No feeling lasts forever. It means sitting in the discomfort and working your way out. There will come a time when you feel healed and empowered."

So, go easy on yourself. It's ok to take care of you. In fact, its important that you do. You matter, too, S.

[Georgiabelle]

Shining,

Drink mercury? I love it. I always say "drink lighter fluid". Sending you a hug my friend.

[Shining]

Thank you, LiveNow. I can't imagine going through this with the distance you have had to deal with. I think both options succckkk, no matter how you slice it. I do feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to get in front of H. The thing is, for me, it doesn't serve me well at all. I also have the comparison of my xh. I was NC and out of state from him for years. He came through his tunnel, and apologized, acknowledging everything. He could only figure this out with us out of the way. I truly need to get out of H way. He can not come through this with me lingering over his shoulder. The short term satisfaction of seeing him, delays the long term healing. I do believe this.

Now, if I can just get out of my own way.....

uR, as always, your wisdom is so valued, and appreciated. Thank you. I needed to read your words. Thank you for letting me know what you see in me. It matters. I do need to hit the reboot button. I'm not crying in a ball on the floor, like I was this past summer. I am strong for the most part. But, yeah....there are still hard days and anger and sadness and confusion...l'm no more or less immune to them than anyone here, whether newbie or vet.

You know, what with us being human and all. . (Still one of my favorite comments to H)

GB, I have a whole list of things not-to-drink-unless-pushed-by-unpleasant-experiences. We should exchange, like recipes. Thank you for the hug.... My fellow 3 C-section-sexy mama. Muah!!

As uR says, it's time to get to gettin'. I need a plan. A plan to keep me from hiding under a rock during the holidays. Because no. That's why. Plus, I hear that's not so fun. I'm pretty sure I can do better than that. I am better than that.

This life thing is a beautiful experience, pain and all. Yeah, I said it.

Now I gotta go do it.

Thank you, for being here whilst I change mental poopypants. As only real friends would be.

[123Gwen]

Shining,
As a newbie I am in awe of your ability to just keep on carrying on. Right now I feel like I am 100 years old and I am so new to this reality. You are so strong. Don't forget how strong you can be...

Just wanted to send a little good wishes your way for the weekend. Hang in there.

[uRworthy]

Ayep...no hiding under a rock for you.

You shouldnt have said you need a plan to me. Now I have to keep on to get one. Heehee.

My first Christmas in lalaland...was hard, but, I got through it. I made some new traditions with my son. We changed it up some. He took on the stuff his dad used to do. We made a night of decorating the tree in a way his dad wouldnt have approved of. Music blasting. Nachos made. Mom dancing like a fool. LOL!

I volunteered to work at a place for women who had been abused. Man did that put things into perspective.

S, you have kids that still need to have Christmas.

It will be sad in some ways and different...but different doesnt have to be bad.

Now get to gettin.

[Shining]

Gwen, thank you for stopping by. And thank you for your wonderful words. I am sorry you're here. This is tough stuff, no matter how strong we are. It is such a blessing to have these boards to help sort this mess out. I have read some of your thread, and I'll check in with you there, too.




uR.....

Uh oh.

Now I dunnit.

I said "I need a plan".

Now yer gonna make me all accountable and stuff..... I knowit.






Ayep. Walked right into that one.



Hhhmmmpphh. Bring it. I ain't scardt.










ok. maybe a little.....

[uRworthy]

Yea, I can be annoying that way...hee hee..