Hey Cal. My bud T2 is kinda special. Dont tell him I wrote that, though...might go to his head. LOL! I watched him walk his journey. He can tell you I can be a pain in the as$ ,but, only cuz I care.
So, I am going to pick apart your convo a bit, if thats ok.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
... I told her he overheard her talking to someone on the phone, I calmly but sternly told her I would hope if there is something concerning our son she is having trouble with that I would be the first to be called/involved ... I do not feel comfortable with anyone but her and I parenting our child. (OM implied here but not mentioned)
Not so sure I would have told her that. For a couple of reasons...first because it was something your son confided in you and secondly she can talk to anyone she wants to talk to. You arent in charge of monitoring her calls. I have spoken to a friend regarding my son.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
... she was kind of reeling, said she could not recall who she was talking to .. that she does ask Mary for advice .. I validated saying .. told her that's fine, she has a boy the same age and I am sure she could be a useful resource in many cases
Um, see above. Sorry, but, you she doesnt have to get it ok'd by you. .
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
, but no one knows S better than me, and he shares his feelings with me so I know what is going on with him ... no one else does
kinda insinuating that you are the better parent because your son ONLY shares with YOU, ya know?
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
"trust is hard to regain when its lost, you have to be consistent .. and with everything you are going through I am sure its hard to be that way"
Cal, that was a judgement statement and again, you are telling her what she needs to do.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
(She must be really struggling here with funds ... guessing the MLC lifestyle has caught up with her)
careful there ^^^.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Maybe I see that as a glimmer of hope.
and there ^^^. Not because there isnt one, because there always is...but its best to not look there right now.
Cal, you are doing really well. This is such hard stuff. I can feel that you are feeling used and confused by that.
You dont always need to say yes to her. You dont always have to include her or be there for her. You do have to live your life and let her live the one she has chosen for now.
You have to allow her to figure stuff out, Cal, on her own. You keep giving her the answers. She needs to find them or she stays stuck.
Ur ... ugh ... ok it really stinks when you point it out like THAT!!!
I am a fixer .. even though as I was talking I thought: 1: I can not help her relationship with S thats her .. I was just letting her know whats going on. 2: She can talk to who ever she wants about S (I agree) ... but it did upset me if that person is OM (MY issue not hers) 3: Ok .. I admit .. I guess deep down and currently I do feel like a better parent, only because she is this MLC thing she has become ... I need to stop thinking that.
You are right .. and I know it .. I feel like I am 8 and not wanting to admit you know whats best for me .. but deep down I know it
How do I stop "fixing" .. and "Judging" .. I do not want to be that nor do that ... practice I suppose .. and post here and get this type of feedback and keep pounding that nail into my thick skull.
Again .. I will need these 2x4's smacked into my stubborn brain, I feel like Jeff Spicoli (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) .. "My Dad has an awesome set of tools .. I can fix it" ... but I can't .. I am just a MLC-LBS stoner ... lol.
Coming from another fixer: The only way to stop fixing is to be very aware of what you are saying and how you are saying it. Detaching really helped me resist the urge to step in and fix whatever the problem of the day was. Look at it this way: The longer you keep fixing the longer the MLC will last and the easier it will be for your W to stay in the sitch she is in.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
So, here's the deal. I get that you are a fixer. I do. I lived with one for 25 years. Here's the thing about that. YOU CANT FIX THIS.
I know that when my h would do that to me, I allowed it to make me feel small and incapable. His intentions were good. He wanted to help. But....
I promise you that she needs to do this on her own. It will not work otherwise.
Her relationship with her son is hers to forge. Your job is to cause no harm to it.
Yea, about who she was talking with...you figured that out based on one line told to you by a seven year old. And then you took that info and threw it at her. Even if it was him, nothing you can do about it.
Maybe you are the better parent. Do you want her to feel that?
The way to stop fixing and judging is to do what you are doing...digging in and working through stuff.
My xh said and did some horrific things. But one of the things I remember so clearly was this. I was upset about something that happened with our son. It was a conversation he and I had. He said some things he shouldnt have..so did I. Son called xh and told him. He called me and said, "I know that you dont understand what you are doing and that sometimes you say the wrong things, but, you really need to do a better job of handling all of this."
I will never, ever forget how those words made me feel. Even though I know deep down they werent true and that he was in no position to judge me.
The truth of it is that no one is better than anyone else. We all have our issues. We all have things we could do better.
To me, the ultimate act of love is to lovingly let go. It is saying, I trust in God and love you enough to want you to walk your journey. It is saying that even though I hurt for you, I cannot do it for you.
This MLC stuff is hard, Cal. All of it. Their part and your part. The thing of it is, that you can only control yours. No matter how much you want to control her part...you cant and you shouldnt.
This is her journey. The hope is that one day she makes it out the other side whole. That may or may not happen. That is the truth of it. Either way, you have yours to walk.
So that if you have a choice to make in the future, it is from a place of strength. No matter what, she will be in your life forever because of your child.
Let her do this, Cal. Trust me, she knows you love her. You just cant fix her. Mainly because you didnt break her.
I know I can not fix it .. there was a time . not long ago I thought I could, because .. well .. you should see my amazing tool box. No I get it ... and you are spot on even if your 2x4 looks like a woolly mammoth's trunk. I welcome it because until you all pointed things out I thought I was simply saying the right things. (They were right to me anyways .. and I thought I was helping .... yanno in my own way of throwing gasoline on the fire)
I know she must go through this journey, and I Pray for her several times a day, as of late I just want her to be rid of the demons and find peace, even if that does not include me .... and I do mean that. I would prefer the journey leads "home" but I am starting to look at that hill that must be climbed and I am not certain at this point we could make it .. but no need ... that hill is way off .. we both have our own journey to walk for now and that's where my focus is.
Ok .. New Goals: 1: Stop Fixing!! 2: STFU and LISTEN 3: No Arguing/ No Matter 4: Buy lint brush to remove the Wooly Mammoth 2x4 residue
T2'd I did the top 20 list, was not as easy as my ego initially thought it would be ... lol
Cal, you and your toolbox...LOL! I do have a reputation of tempering my 2 x 4's, but I am not above getting out a hammer if I need to. Just ask the boys here. I happen to love home repairs and can dry wall with the best of them.
I do want you to know something. I can see that you in no way mean to throw gas on the fire. LOL! For me, intent is important.
Yea, no need to look at that hill now. It could look way different later on. That isnt a decision you need to make today.
Oh, by the way, lint brushes are on sale at Target..just sayin...
