Moving Out but moving on?

[jim0987]

Yeah definitely don't do that.

[edz]

Definitely, got into the habit of putting the phone away and not texting or emailing "from the hip". Still find it difficult to not just talk or text or just email her but better than I was..

[edz]

Another cold one this morning, miss W on these mornings waking up alone. Last night forced myself to put the water on (for a while anyway ) and had a hot bath with some classical music on in the bedroom. Got myself to bed (turned the water off at this point - naturally) and watched some TV (still cant get off to sleep without tv or at least some noise at the moment) had planned ahead for the coffee machine to be on timer ready for getting up this morning.

Jim was right yesterday operating on a bit of a knife edge of "oh what now?!?!?" with W right now, her behaviour of running "hot/cold/texting/emailing/ignoring/running" is the core of it but the stress of work and moving isn't helping, especially doing most of it alone.

I thought about things generally last night in the bath which I made myself relax in, I don't believe there's someone else in the wings for W, she's been very forthright that at the moment apart from S she doesn't really want anyone else around her if possible - that's consistent with what she says she wants (space - to not be controlled and make her own decisions) so she needs that to happen and I suspect so do I, I need to not feel compelled to do things on a daily basis just because W (or anyone who's not paying work) wants it.

If S needs something that's fine but otherwise doing things for others should be because I want to, it will make them happier or a combination.

I've a lot of work to do on this, think I love W so much (and indeed generally being married) I became 'programmed' to do anything *I thought* W wanted in order to keep her to stay (in my head - well that worked out well), meantime I've started planning out how the house will be, not only with the typical role for me of tech' but also how I want S's room to be laid out initially so he feels he has his own space that's his, secure, comfortable and fun (and in my design it will be more appropriate for his age, starting with a - partially restricted - media playback PC which can access restricted levels of our local content and stream youtube age appropriate video, it wont have a web browser and will be set to be unavailable at core bedtimes) and how I want to lay things out to be warm and welcoming generally.

I really want someone to join me at some point, there or (heaven help me) moving somewhere else together - I genuinely want that to be W - but if she decides that what she wants is a second run at her "twenties" alone then that's her choice and she should decide, personally I don't want that life again, thanks.

I suppose I also worry that S is getting older and will in the next few years start to chose his friends (and possibly significant others if his friends are to be believed) over us. I'm fine with that and, providing he's safe and respects others, would always support him having his life over what I tell him to do. W doesnt seem to think that way and I do worry that when it happens she'll find herself very isolated but ultimately if thats her choice I suppose I have to see if theres someone else out there daft enough to take me on. I need to know theres no future with W and that I can be ok just being me first though.

Last weekend when we did actually talk I pointed out that my counselling had told me that only I can be responsible for being happy and its the same for her, I told her I realised she blamed me for a lot of things she hadn't done but I never stopped her doing those she did, I was responsible for not taking part, withdrawing from the family and life and also over pursuing her as I was co-dependent and that her constant rejection of me as pursuer pushed me deeper into that cycle and ultimately my relationship with S was damaged by that frustration coming out in my dealings - or avoiding dealing - with him. That's all done, has to be. However as I said to her these are just words, I hope she wants to work on a future together regardless I will continue building my relationship with S and hopefully someday someone will share my life again - I hope with W but that's not *just* my choice - but this time in a more healthy relationship than we had before W left.

Doubtless this will all change today and this is my morning meanderings, S's card event tonight. On with work for the day.

[jim0987]

That sounds healthier.


Something I read elsewhere (I think it was maybell thread) was about letting go of the expectation about their behaviour. In your case if you shift your mindset from 'what now' to 'this is difficult for her as there is a lot going on' does that make any difference to how you feel about the knife edge?

[edz]

I think the knife edge is cumulative of everything work, moving and the relationship stress. I also very much feel shes conflicted in what she wants as well as feeling it's an end with me moving out. I did try to think of it another way as I'm trail blazing and shes phasing from her mothers to here and maybe then on again. Ultimately Im trying to get to a point where I dont feel empty and lost without her, some days it works some it doesnt.

At least (unless theres a significant issue - which there always is) in 2 weeks I should be in with my broadband in and starting to sort the place as I want it. Still having wobbles on whether its the right place and even found myself worrying the second parking space is too tight if W comes along, really, thats not a worry I need to be having right now but its that kind of minitua that creeps in and builds up!

[edz]

Busy weekend again.

Friday night W came round with S in tow ready for his card event (running early so I had to quickly get ready as she had the key for the garage locker her dads stuff is in - including the ladders I need to get in the loft) had to divert and grab a sandwhich on the way as I hadnt eaten S attended his event and enjoyed it and had him back before 10.

Saturday met up with W before picking S up from tennis. Usual coffee and toast. Didnt feel like I had the energy to dig into R and she wasnt going there so just discussed what was happening with the move, her requirements etc. We did brush by it though. She sends me confused messages but steadfastly refuses to admit anything has changed since July. She did start in my opinion to try to set rules on S staying over which I shut down right away, I agreed that we want him to settle and at first I imagine he'll stay friday/saturday nights after his card event then on sunday morning come swimming with me before heading back. I know this is W trying to come up with another reason for keeping him 24/7 now the flat wont "upset" him and while I cant say I dont see him I want him to not feel like he's shuttling back and forth. However I pointed out to W this is part of this way of living and will be the way it is until he decides where he wants to be in teenage years (unless of course she chooses to work on the R with me). Again she shut down at this point - she cant/wont process that her decision is less than great for S as, of course, it's all my doing.

Anyway, took S furniture browsing to get an idea on what he'd like in his room as its my plan to do that next sunday / monday since I wont have any internet access - arghh - until tuesday at the earliest. We also had lunch and a browse in the shops but he was getting tired after a late night friday and an early start saturday so took him back to MIL before I did my food shopping. S did start talking to me again about problems at MIL and that he's not happy with the way his mum is following MILs demands - stopped him to say I was very much out to support him and help but, since W has told me repeatedly he's being dramatic about this, he needs to wait until he has her to himself and explain how HE feels and what HE's not happy with to her directly which he hasn't done yet. W is currently doing a superb job of setting up a bad relationship with S (take it from the expert here) but she wont acknowledge anything she's doing is anything but "for the best" problem is only she and her mum think that, the rest of us are just being dragged along in the wake of it all really.

Yesterday ran some errands and chores then W came around - with S in tow and they both came in, this was so she could drop off carpet cleaner that I can use before I go for both our sakes thanks to the cat thats staying (oh will she enjoy having to deal with that herself - muggins has handled all the less pleasant chores for 15 years, time for her to enjoy).

Since S was only in the living room for a short while this apparently doesn't "upset him" - sigh - but I got to see him so I'm not arguing here. He had a quick play with the game console, W was pressuring me in the kitchen to leave the console and said I was being funny taking it. Pointed out its my bluRay and has my account on it, also pointed out nothing is fixed in stone and Im just trying to get this move packing and everything else sorted out, we can always move things back. Anyway right now she doesn't have a TV anyway! She said all his favourite things will be with me. Well most of his room is staying, yes the technology will be with me as W wouldn't have the first idea how to deal with it (I've encouraged her to take courses on tech but she says they'd be boring) she's right he loves technology computers and games but I can't help it if its her choice to split the family in half, tried to resist going down the route of telling her if you don't like it don't do it but she was still sulky the time she was here and pushed S into finishing up his game (which he admittedly shouldn't even really have been playing).

W was again asking about TV's and technology and asked if she asked for help would I help set up her music and TV etc. Said really I shouldnt get involved in that because she wants to do things herself, she again said but if she asked would I and I could always tell her no in no uncertain terms. Thought this was such a loaded question left it with a lets see kind of answer. I've told her after she makes her decision then friends isnt an option, we can be married or co-parent. They're the only options I can handle going forward for the foreseeable future. I cant be her buddy and not be with her, thats her cake eating fallback plan and I cant do it. Told her for now we're on the 3rd option at the moment - married but not together but if nothing happens before June we will review the situation (our anniversary and my mental line in the sand - after that if she doesnt know "what she wants" by then - in her words, then I dont believe she will and this is a holding pattern) she told me back in august this was all a good thing and she thought she'd probably move somewhere and hate it and want to be all together, didnt believe that then, certainly dont know with her taking on year contracts for satellite tv and phones, but by the new year reality will be evident. She wont be at her mums (admittedly paying towards food etc) she'll be paying utilities, credit cards (I did indeed stop the direct debits for all but the catalogue payment which is for a coffee table Im now unexpectedly taking anyway - I asked her to get a settlement quote on that to stop anything else being added "accidently"), fuel, car (V5 signed and ready for her in her desk pedestal ready for next months road tax and MOT) as well as all the other costs. I ran all my numbers in a spreadsheet and online banking and can barely scrape by (literally about £100 over the outgoings predicted) so I have no idea how she will cope (I know she wont have done anything bar scribbled down some numbers on a pad that are probably unrealistic and dont include things like spending money for S - she'll then spend it and wonder why she has run out of money) S will be ok as he can come to me if he needs to but I wont cross support W if this goes pear shaped - her M can step in if thats what W wants - I'm there the door is open and the road smooth, there will be a warm comfortable home awaiting if she's prepared to work with me but if she isnt I have a lot of building to do next year anyway.

I know W's job is precarious because of her health, I also know she's been saving (mostly the money I've been supplying for S of course but also her wages) but with paying out for TV's, satellite and now pushing for a PS3 so he'll have one to set up "in the den" (his old room) when his friends come over (not sure where a second TV is coming from in this but she doesnt appear to have got that far). A lot of her plans seem to be either thought out and puzzle pieces are missing as she hasnt told me or they're pie in the sky and based on the sort of something from nothing building I used to do to make media systems out of old junk machines, TV's out of old monitors. I wont be doing that for her at the flat so as she said she'll have to get used to doing things like other people, problem is she hasnt worked out the costs of that.

Meantime S seems tired from trying to please everyone, told him he doesnt need to do that for me, just be happy and relax and tell me if I can help and make sure he's honest and tells his M what he thinks as well. Even he, at 10, said its pointless talking to grandma and grandpa as they just do what they want and everyone "has to follow their tune". That didn't come from me as I make it a point to never, ever diss his Mum or MIL/FIL in front of him, from the mouths of babes really...

[edz]

Oh and the one thing that made me a little happy and sad on the inside, while we were driving he said MIL wasnt home "as in take you home to your mum" its just Grandmas.

He said home will be the house or the flat but he'd rather be with me there since back at the flat its cold and I wont be there, his mum is making him unhappy with all this (which upset me), he said he though having two houses was just stupid and he'd rather we were all together but if he had to be somewhere he'd rather be with me until his mum decides what she wants to do and has sorted things out.

Again, probably trying to make me happy and I said it will be ok and both his homes will be nice and his mum and I will both take care of him. I'd rather he wasnt upset at all, what I didnt say was I'd rather his mother wasnt forcing this on both of us, but it was nice to hear that he's gone from wondering if I love him (apparently what he said to FIL last year - go waaaay back to my first thread for that) to this.

I imagine its along the lines of him being happy with the new me and not wanting to lose it that he's saying it but I love the fact he's happy with me. Of course for his sake and, to a lesser degree, his mums I will play the grown up and not take advantage. As my W always said I was always the grown up in the marriage.

[edz]

Knew I'd forget something.

One thing W said when we were talking yesterday (S was in the room) and she was raising issues about R and I said about co-parenting but we were on the "third option" at the moment.

I said she didn't seem very happy (she always looks good to me but she looked bl00dy miserable yesterday) especially as she'll be moving in inside a week and getting everything she's asked for (as in me quickly moving, she has the car, she has the money she asked me to set up, she gets to move back to the flat and out of her mums - all inside 4 months) she said she was being "diplomatic" asked her what she meant. She went quiet but when S went to the loo she said she didn't think it was nice to be excited in front of me at me going. Calmly, quietly pointed out this isn't what I want, moving or not moving its what I have to do to move on but not what I want, it's all what she wants and her being excited about moving in wont make a difference to that or how I feel.

Thought it was important to again remind her, this is what she wants has asked (repeatedly) for, that my plan was to go on holiday in Dec not move (there are good reasons for it connected to S but more of that in a mo) and that what I want is for her and S to be away from her mother so she can decide what she wants to do and we can all move on.

Again she went quiet.

She constantly says nothing has changed since July but in that time I've heard 4 versions of what this is about, unless she's the best at subterfuge ever there's no EA or PA involved (she has a small informant with her all day every day) the original reason for her going was understandable and I know things just bounce back but while she has been consistent in saying she wants space and time to think and not be pushed nothing else has really been clear, but I acknowledge it doesn't have to be she just needs to decide what she wants.

[edz]

forum won't let me edit. above it should say things cant just bounce back...

also lost the last line that meantime I need to get on building a new home for me and s and she can join if she chooses. no intention of forcing her to decide now but I also wont be strung along indefinitely. no guarantee any one would want me but I want to be happy too and if that means someone other than w next year that may be the case.

[edz]

W and S were over again today to grab some files from the server before I shut it all down in the next couple of days to move it. Also discussed a few bits and pieces.

W and S are both going to go out with me for dinner on my birthday which makes me feel a lot happier about it, we were talking in the kitchen and I asked W straight out is she being open with me about what she needs to do, does she need to think or is she just looking for a peaceful exit from me.

She thought about that for a little while and said that what she said is true, she needs space, she needs to be away from MIL to allow her the room to think and make her own mind up, I told her thanks and that I understand, she denies she wants me to just go so she can move on - she is truly undecided on the future at the moment apart from stability for S. That's fine I want her to work out who she wants to be and how she wants to go forward, I also want her to get away from MIL so she can start the journey I've been on for nearly 4 months instead of being questioned hourly (apparently MIL asks her where she's been and who she's seen every evening, there's no way I'd stand for that from my dad but then I wouldn't allow him to control me either).

We discussed technical issues / TV's etc further, I said that I'm happy to tell her technical opinion but it's up to her what she wants to get, I said I dont feel comfortable just putting things in place for her on a technical front as I would have done if we were together. However if something needs setting up for S she can let me know and I'll help where I can. She's now ordered a set which is coming wednesday and I'll set aside for her to unpack when she comes in.

It felt positive anyway. Of course I'd have loved her to say no, wait I'm coming with you.....but then that's not on the cards in reality is it?

House insurance is now in place for the end of the week so I can get things moved in as soon as I get the keys. Tomorrow will try and get a jump on getting the deposit and rent paid in advance so thursday I just need to sign and get the keys.

Just leaves boxing, emptying the loft and finishing going through the garage (ha! just!)