She looked elsewhere and when she thought I guy was interested she jumped. Unfortunately for her he only wanted casual.
Yep, sounds that way. I'll need to read through your thread, I don't think I've been through that one yet. The same thing happened to my wife. I think he only wanted a casual affair, if there is such a thing.
It's interesting that you said 'fear of me,' because that's what the counselor told me how she feels. Did you have any anger issues? I didn't and I'm not sure why she feels this way.
I heard that she did think that I was trying to track her during our M, because we used Find My Iphone. We've had it on turned on for years. Long story, but she turned it off and I never made a big deal out of it, but asked her why she turned it off a couple times. I think she may have been sensitive because she was actually sneaking around.
I'm not sure about the 180 either. My wife did open up to me for a few days, but yesterday she said she felt pressured to talk to me about it. I had the same issue about you in our marriage when she did open up.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I think in my case the fear is that I can be quite cutting in my defensive sarcasm and she felt I was chipping away at her self esteem. I'm guessing but I think I would just tear her down some more.
I sulk more than get angry
There are few things that she was really sensitive about and I'm starting to realise that may well have been because she was feeling guilty.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I see what you are saying. I wasn't sarcastic, but definitely defensive about things. The final straw was that a couple times she expressed to me that her life was horrible, nothing ever came easy, etc. Instead of validating, I instantly started to give examples of other people in our lives that were having much more difficult struggles, especially because I thought everything was okay with her, me and our marriage. Also, there was the R with the OM that was wearing on her and I think these were her attempts to reach out to me and get help. I just didn't see it at the time.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Now I believe this is important. If her LL happens to be Acts of Service, where would you rank? She may see you helping as acts of service, and therefore, speaking love to her in the language she understands.
I still need to go back and re-read LL, but I don't think acts of service is her LL, I think most of her resentment centered just around her feeling she was pulling more weight. Reason being, I'm always doing projects/improvements around the house. When she was gone for a week (the week she was trying to set up with OM) I renovated a room in the house. During a rant from her in a counseling session, she spewed all over the fact that she didn't like how I renovated it and it was inconsiderate of me to renovate it because she didn't think it needed it. I know....believe nothing with what they say. Oh, I would BELIEVE that she resented the renovation. Absolutely. Most women would if the h did Not incorporate HER wishes for the room. It'd be seen as a huge controlling, bossy and probably selfish act to many of us.
I say that b/c it has happened in front of me. My sister planned the remodel from start to finish, and her h had a 'hands off" approach. Took very little in it. He claimed it was "her" project and he acted like it was a gift to her.
But when she was on a trip to see our mom, HE Came in and did the room HIS way
and then acted as if it was a big favor TO her. Maybe he even believed it was - but to her, it was him taking over, again.
The important piece here is when she says she resent something, you can believe that indeed she resented something.
[quote=sandi2]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Got to go shopping for my wife for her birthday to pick up something for the kids to give her.....that was fun. At least one of us is trying to consider the kids in this whole situation.
Next, W is on personal leave from work all next week. She's bringing the kids back a day early instead of dropping them off at school in the morning and cancelled counseling next week. So obviously she is going somewhere. Just saw on OM's twitter post that he only has "one more busy day until greener pastures" .....Awesome.....
I'm guessing that either its back on or they laid low enough in the R until they thought my confrontation passed over. I don't know. I feel so much like calling his GF and asking what she thinks he's doing next week...
What I do know is if she lied to me those couple days that we talked...."It was over, he wasn't leaving his GF, they never met up for the full PA, they just need to stay friends etc." That one will be really hard to get over for myself. Deceiving me for the last year is one thing....lying to my face is too far.....
Hopefully, I'm over-reacting and just reading into what's going on....I guess there's nothing I can do anyway. Its just a huge blow to my PMA and where I thought whatever is left of our R stood..
Last edited by MCS; 11/14/1401:19 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
What I do know is if she lied to me those couple days that we talked...."It was over, he wasn't leaving his GF, they never met up for the full PA, they just need to stay friends etc." That one will be really hard to get over for myself. Deceiving me for the last year is one thing....lying to my face is too far.....
My W lied to my face both times: when she cheated on me and on why she was leaving me this time ("I don't want to be in a couple!"). It seems to be part of the WAW package, not an exception. Look around these boards. They don't have the courage to face the immediate consequences of the truth. I doesn't excuse it, but it explains it. I obviously don't know if your wife was lying, but I recommend that you prepare mentally for it.
BTW, this trip is not a pleasant thought at all. Just yesterday, my day was ruined by the mere thought that W and OM might go on a trip together at some point. I so want to travel with her again. I ache for it; we had a lot of fun and some favorite destinations. Sigh. Sometimes, I can't believe we're hanging in there.
PS: Don't quote public tweets or at least paraphrase them... ;-)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I don't see as many parallels in yours & MCS' situation as you do. I really don't. Can you see why?
MCS, I'll get back to you with more, soon.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't see as many parallels in yours & MCS' situation as you do. I really don't. Can you see why?
Mm, interesting. Well, his WAW found a reluctant OM while mine was actively courted and started a real R with him. Also, I know my W left because I made her feel bad with my criticism, while MCS isn't yet sure what happened. Am I right?
-----
I came back here on the topic of lies. I just discovered another. The OM posted an evening picture online from my street corner during the week after my separation and before my wife moved out. She was going on "walks" several of those nights - I remember putting my foot down and saying that I would also go out some of these evenings if we were to spend them apart anyway, so she had to stay home. Knowing I could come back anytime (wait, was she asking me how long I'd be gone?), I doubt she invited him home. She was in her phone all the time that week, with a dim screen. I guess by that time it was still just an EA. I was naive at the time thinking she was lured by the general lightness of her new colleagues, but that none had stolen here heart yet.
I don't mind this lie all that much. To me, it's all part of one big lie to hide the fact that she didn't love me anymore, she loved another. I was kicked out of her circle of trust for a while. She'd tell the truth to other people, like her bad friend Anna and her OM, and then she'd tell me what she wanted to handle me. I had asked her during that week if there was someone else, event in her heart. She said no. She was in love, so it's like she was on drugs. She acted like it. I was saying it at the time but I thought it was about her colleagues in general, not one specific OM. What a fool. Like a drug addict, I can fault her for her initial mistakes, but the rest is just consequences. I don't see all these lies as separate offenses. I see the A as one big lie and I was already aware of it, especially since she confirmed she was in a R with the OM.
So, MCS, you can decide whether you take every discovery as another cut, or accept that she checked out and made the truth fit all the lies she had to tell you to hide the big one.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm confused too. I do see that our spouses are very similar to how they are reacting to the S and probably have similar personalities.
To add on to what Mozz says, is it that his catalyst was criticism which caused her to emotionally shut down and mine was that I neglected her emotions which caused her to see me as critical of her?
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
