Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6

[Sotto]

Hope, is this a little unfair??

"People on this forum on see one side of the coin and they are watching through a foggy lens with an agenda."

I agree that we all only see one side of the coin with each other's sitches...but my only aim is to offer and receive support and help along DB/DR principles! I certainly don't see myself as having any 'agenda.'

Toots :-)

[Hope414]

Hi Toots,

I can understand why you might feel I am unfair when I say “people on this forum are watching through a foggy lens with an agenda.”

But it is true.

Of course you have an agenda. What binds any community together is a shared agenda.

Having an agenda is not a bad thing but you should always be cognizant of where a person stands when they are giving advice. For example, are they optimistic about relationships when they are giving the advice? Are they pessimistic about relationships? Do they feel loving toward their spouse? Do they feel betrayed?

The ability to detach is difficult and many people give advice because they have personal feelings about the issue being discussed.

Again, this is not a bad thing. If everyone was detached there would be no empathy. And when you are going through such an extremely traumatic time in your life you need people with high levels of empathy around you.

Danger creeps in when empathy turns into transference and you begin to parallel your experience with my experience without paying attention to my experience. This usually happens when people are seeking advice during an extremely stressful period. Which is why I ask that you remember people on this forum see through a foggy lens.

[Hope414]

Hi Jefe,

Since your goal is restoring your marriage, I would ask for someone who is experienced in marriage counseling. I would be completely honest about your situation and explain you may be the only spouse attending the marriage counseling sessions for quite a while.

In some cases they may place you with an individual counselor who will work with you until your wife is ready to attend sessions. When your wife is ready to attend sessions they may place you and your wife with a separate counselor so your wife does not feel set up.

Or they may decide to leave you and your wife with the same counselor. But this is something they will discuss with you on the first session so you will know the plan.

I’m glad you are building a support network. This will be invaluable during the stressful times.

Please be clear that you need them to give you support to rebuild you marriage.

It needs to be noted if you are not clear about this…they may believe their role is to give you emotional support. To them, emotional support might be to encourage you to divorce. So you need to be clear about what you need from them.

I think you are taking very positive steps. Good luck!

[twinmom]

Jefe, there are so many posts I don't have the time to look now but what were the list of complaints your wife had? And what specific 180's were you working on?

[Jefe]

Twin, I'll answer that in a bit, maybe tomorrow.

Hope, TY. I will go the counseling route.

I do, however believe my wife IS dating. I know in the long therm vision that we have already discussed this is but a bump in the road, but man, I'm scared to death.

We had a very unsettling exchange tonight.

[Hope414]

What happened?

[Jefe]

You know, nevermind. Been on the phone with my sponsor the last hour and it's all (the dating part) in my head. I have zero evidence of anything, just got a little punchy. Holy cow, I need to just get a grip.

Hope, I read my sponsor your post about the support network, he is 100% on board and so is my grand-sponsor. I hope I could possibly start seeing a counselor over at the main campus this week.

The exchange:
She (the wife) unfriended me on FB a while back. Her profile is set so that you must be a friend to see anything she posts.
She went out to eat tonight with a mutual friend who I am friends with on FB. She tagged our friend in a post about the restaurant they were at. It's one of my wife's favorites. Because of my friendship with the mutual friend it showed up on my FB news feed and I stupidly clicked "like". My W was none too happy that I "liked" that post and texted several times to let me know. I kept my cool, though.

Didn't mean to sound the alarm, it's okay. I just got worked up with fear. I'm good now.

[Jefe]

Jefe, there are so many posts I don't have the time to look now but what were the list of complaints your wife had? And what specific 180's were you working on?

This is just one page back at the bottom of page 1 of this thread:

"She wants romance, she wants respect. She wants me to inquire about her day and be interested. She wants me to greet her when I walk in the door first before I say word one to the kids. She wants me to keep making her laugh like I always used to. She wants to go dancing. She wants me to make her feel like a girlie girl, my girlie girl. She wants to know and wants me to remind her how beautiful she is to me and that she is more important that anyone or anything else short of God. She also wants to never argue about Roger/visitation again and she wants me to never raise my voice to her. "

[Jefe]

Session scheduled at 9:00 AM on Wednesday.




I just feel very alone today.

[Sotto]

Hi Jefe, your DB friends are all here for you. Chin up & have the best day you can..

:-)