...I was talking to her afterwords before I went to pick up our other son from his friend's house. I reached out and squeezed her hand: no response. It may have been she didn't get why I was doing it or it was just un-welcomed, but no response. It was a poor idea.
Hi Okabe,
Don't worry about this. It is a long battle we are in, and sometimes we try something different (like trying to hold W's hand) just to see what the response is. Be a scientist on this. See what works, and stop doing what doesn't. Your W liked the compliment on her reading glasses, so maybe try other thoughtful compliments in the future, instead of hand holding. Good luck.
You did something and was EXPECTING her to respond a certain way. Then when she didn't, you got upset. It's not a poor idea. What's poor is you expecting her to respond in a way that you want to and not in a way she wants to.
In fact, I'm sure there are many times that you did something like that over the course of your relationship and she didn't respond but you didnt' think anything of it. You're being hyper sensitive.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You did something and was EXPECTING her to respond a certain way. Then when she didn't, you got upset. It's not a poor idea. What's poor is you expecting her to respond in a way that you want to and not in a way she wants to.
In fact, I'm sure there are many times that you did something like that over the course of your relationship and she didn't respond but you didnt' think anything of it. You're being hyper sensitive.
You're right. The expectation I put on her response was my mistake. And yes, I am being hypersensitive. It has been that kind of couple of days for me I guess.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Crying on the treadmill while watching "Community" where Senor Chang gets reunited with his wife is kind of the state of mind I've been in. Gotta do something different. Community is a laughing show, not a crying at inappropriate moments show.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
This may seem like a dumb question. In what I've read about detaching there is a lot about developing independence and not fostering dependency (unhealthy) in the person you are with. In my relationship I have over the years taken on more and more of the housework, bills, outdoor maintenance etc. Is it healthy for me to back off on some of that and let my W take care of more things? Like getting the oil changed in our van? Planning a few meals? Shipping x-mas presents to her family? Or does it really make no difference? I feel like she sometimes takes advantage of the fact that I'll "just take care of it" (although I let her, so I can't blame her for that) and that perhaps I should be drawing firmer boundaries here.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
What do you want to do? If you enjoy the housework, then keep doing it. If you would prefer to be reading a book, or going for a walk with that time instead, then do those things. This is the gift of time that you've been given to find out what you really enjoy in life.
Hi Wet, It's not that I often mind cooking, cleaning, etc. But it seems more and more things that she once did are getting left for me to take care of. I don't know if this is a symptom of her being very focused on school or a subtle dig at me (which as I write this I realize I am mind-reading by putting my emotions into what she is (not) doing). What bothers me mostly is that it is taken for granted. There is no "thank you" or appreciation. Perhaps there never will be and I have to resolve myself to that. There are however some things I feel that she should not shirk. She complained how we didn't go camping last year because I didn't plan it. So in my rush to fix things I said we'd go on 3 trips next year. One with friends which we'll all plan together and 2 with the family. I got dates chosen and planned one of the trips and realized: she never plans a trip yet they are important to her, but I do all the research and reserving of sites etc. So I told her since I did one that she can take care of the other. Christmas gifts to her family out of state. I buy them and ship them every year. I think she can take care of that. She has told me multiple times how the van needs an oil change, but I rarely have time to take it in: she does. I find that she will defer things to me to do. She often has a logical reason why she doesn't do it, but it often puts more on my plate. I will have to think about what boundaries I need to start to draw for myself. She is an adult and she can take care of things.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
GAL goals: Lose more weight (already doing good there) Learn Japanese Get a blog going (got it started) Learn hip hop dance Learn acoustic guitar Be more friendly and open to making new friends Spend more (better time with my sons)
Relationship goals: Continue to learn about and work on detachment Read relationship and communication books (recommendations?) Work on creating better boundaries Try a few experiments around bids and affection (not for a while) Figure out who I am and what I need Observe
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Small something. Or not. I go to bed around 9:00 pm every night and the W comes in somewhere between 12-2 am usually. I often wake up, but don't say anything. Last night I decided to reach over and give her hand a squeeze and say good night just to see what she'd do. She patted my hand and before she could stop herself she blew me a brief kiss. I knows it was automatic, but I took note of it. Today I mentioned to her that I head it, knew it was just reflexive, but that I appreciated hearing it anyways. She smiled. I won't make a habit of doing this, but will try it again at some point to see if the response repeats or not.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Okabe -- don't worry too much about the crying on the treadmill deal. I find myself getting choaked up watching kids movies when the lego man saves the town =0)
