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A Message from Michele
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Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: zed] #2512266
11/30/14 05:39 PM
11/30/14 05:39 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline
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GoatGal  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
Zed,

If it's not required right away, hold off and see if some vets chime in here.

Personally, I think it's way too wordy anyhow. Their brains can't take in that much info.

If CAN leave it alone--please do so.

---(G)GGG

Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: GoatGal] #2512272
11/30/14 05:50 PM
11/30/14 05:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Zed,

There's a reason for the v. between the parties (got this gem from Starsky) so you must treat W as the opponent. I strongly urge you to get your own L and have your L handle all negotiations going forward.

It does you NO good to continue engaging with W and trying to negotiate with her for all sees that you are being controlling, blah, blah.

I'd suggest that you respond to W:

W,

It seems that we are far apart on some items and we can agree to disagree in a respectful way. Please cease swearing and using disrespectful language in your communications. I am sorry that you're feeling frustrated. This isn't easy on us at all and I would like to see the both of us treat each other with respect and dignity.

I hope you will have a good week.

Take care,
Zed


It is useless trying to argue or defend yourself. It is a massive wasste of energy. My L did a very good job in negotiations with Ms. Wonka for it protected me from stress and emotional turmoil. Mind you, Ms. Wonka did send texts during this time and I had to instruct my L to inform her L to tell Ms. Wonka that she was NOT to contact me at all.

Stop engaging W in those emails. It is futile.

Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: zed] #2512368
11/30/14 10:47 PM
11/30/14 10:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
Z
zed Offline OP
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zed  Offline OP
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Z
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
Something hit me and now I feel like I might have made the wrong decision a couple months ago. W wanted space. Wanted me to move out. I said no you can move out if you want to seperate. Now I am in this situation where she is spewing venom at me and I can see there is so much hate I can't see that hate ever going away. Did I loose this all. Was that the wrong decision. If I would have moved out could we have saved our marriage? It sure doesn't look like it can be saved now.
IDK what is the best thing to do. This is so hard


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: zed] #2512372
11/30/14 11:16 PM
11/30/14 11:16 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
L
Little Offline
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Little  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
I don't think you made the wrong choice. If she's the party that wants space, she can go find it. She's the one with the issue.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: zed] #2512373
11/30/14 11:20 PM
11/30/14 11:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Calibri Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
Zed,

The what ifs haunt us, especially in hard times. I constantly wonder, "what if I hadn't tried to buy the house with my H, would this be happening to me? What if I hadn't had the argument about his mother and just stfu? What if I had gone on the trip with him to his family. What if, What if......."

We can second guess our decisions until the cows come home. It doesn't change our situations. We have no way of knowing what would've happened, because, well, that's not what happened. Honestly, I think it's a way of torturing ourselves. thinking about the could've, would've, should've.

I know this is hard. Especially being on the receiving end of such hate.

Do the best that you can, right now. Today. That's all you can do. take care of yourself.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: Calibri] #2512379
11/30/14 11:32 PM
11/30/14 11:32 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
zed,

The idea that there was something you could have done/not done that would have proven that this situation is really under your control after all is a fantasy.

You refusing to move out was based on what you knew at the time and what you believed was best. She didn't get what she wanted and she's angry.

Being angry at you is a way to push your buttons, make you feel like a heel, and hopefully, get you to do as she wishes in the future.

Don't fall for it.

She wanted "space", then she does the work to get it.
Simple.

Hang in there...

--(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: GoatGal] #2512511
12/01/14 02:30 PM
12/01/14 02:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
Z
zed Offline OP
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zed  Offline OP
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Z
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
Quite the pity party I'm having last night and this morning. Thanks everyone for your support. I have to find a way to work myself out of this funk. What can I do the decision has been made. It most likely won't help to go back on the decision now. The damage has been done weather it was the right decision or not. How do you know?


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: zed] #2512514
12/01/14 02:40 PM
12/01/14 02:40 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
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SunnyB Offline
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Originally Posted By: zed

If I would have moved out could we have saved our marriage? It sure doesn't look like it can be saved now.

The damage has been done weather it was the right decision or not. How do you know?


Zed, you'll never know. And it doesn't matter, you can't change it anyway. All you have to work with is the right now.

I wonder if I hadn't had my head buried so far in the sand and had figured out H's A much earlier in the game, would he have given it up? I'd like to think yes, but that puts the blame on me for not finding out earlier, and that's crazy. It was his bad decision to break our M vows. Same thing with you. You can blame yourself for not moving out, but what does that accomplish, really? Nothing.

Take what you have now and go from there.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: SunnyB] #2513270
12/03/14 04:34 PM
12/03/14 04:34 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
Z
zed Offline OP
Member
zed  Offline OP
Member
Z
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
One thing I am struggling with is. W has said previously. You don't know...we might be happier apart. Just look at so and so they seem happier after they split. I replied to her. You don't know that. Maybe they would be happier if they were still together.
With DB you are supposed to GAL, have a PMA and work your hardest to seem happy around your WAS. To show them what they are missing. The problem I have with this is then she might think she was right. That I am happier being apart then if we were together. Thus reinforcing her idea that it is easier to split then to work on making a happier marriage together.
I do feel like I can be happy with out her. However I know I would be happier with my W. With both of us in the same house as the kids. And knowing the kids have a happy stable family.

So if "faking"(that is how I feel for now maybe 1 day I can be happy) I truly am happy is this counter productive? Does that put me closer to my goal of getting my W back? Or do I need to change my goal?


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

Re: Going Down Hill 2 [Re: zed] #2513282
12/03/14 04:52 PM
12/03/14 04:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
I know exactly what you mean (as I'm sure you know from my thread).

Think if it this way though what's the alternative? Show her we are miserable? I certainly have done that and thats got me nowhere. She wants to be happy (and so do you) and its a lot more fun to be round a happy person. The less happy you show the less she would believe that she could be happy with you.

But if you goal is to show your wife your happy then I'd say you need to change it to the more simple you want to be truly happy. Your R should only be one part of that grid and so maybe in the short term the goals should be :

1) Be truly happy in every aspect if your life that isn't your M
2) Show your wife the happiest and most positive side of you

If you can do those then as much as anything she might start to wonder about her role in making you seem unhappy(er) before and that might trigger the introspection she needs to do.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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