How to start rebuilding? - 2

[Hoju]

Ok thanks I'll let her know she's still covered. Maybe I don't know what cake eatting is. Just seemed like she wanted to take advantage of a perk of marriage without having the commitment of being married.

[Hoju]

Ok thanks I'll let her know she's still covered. Maybe I don't know what cake eatting is. Just seemed like she wanted to take advantage of a perk of marriage without having the commitment of being married.

[Hoju]

If anyone is around I would love some advice on how to handle the cat situation it's been 3 days and I haven't answered her yet.

[jim0987]

Hi Hoju

My gut reaction is to say that she leaving you and the life connected with you and that includes the cats (unless they were hers first)

[Hoju]

Thanks for the reply Jim, we got the cats together about 4 years ago. We agreed that she would take one and I would take the other, she has had both in her new apartment while the house was up for sale. Now that the home sale is final and all the staging furniture is gone she wants to go back on her word and keep both cats. I love the cats and could really use the comfort they offer right now but I don't want to hurt W as she is very attached to them as well. My dilemma is how do I approch asking for the cat? Should I even ask, because I really don't want her to hurt any more, but she did this not me.

[Hoju]

W contacted me about the lawyers again today, we are meeting next week to finalize the house sale and the separation agreement. I'm very sad things have gone so far in the wrong direction and so quickly. W is still with OM although they haven't come out publically yet, I'm pretty sure she is just waiting for the separation agreement to be signed before announcing her new bo.

I had an interesting offer at work today and could use some advice on how to proceed. I finally got the nerve to tell a long term friend about my M problems, very few people at work know. This friend recently bought a house and immediately asked if I wanted to move in, rent free, just pay the utilities and take care of the dog while they are out on business 2-3 weeks a month. Sounds great right? Well the catch is it's a she, and a smoking hot she at that, who has a reputation of being easy (slept with the ceo and a vp). Would it be appropriate to move in with her or would that conpletely kill any chance of saving my M?

[Nitty]

Focus on your life right now. Don't make any decisions based on "will that save my M or kill it?" Your W is gone.

Does that mean you do something boneheaded like move in (for free) with a person known throughout your universe as a skank? As the office "ho-worker"?

"Hoju and the Office Bicycle. Yes. They are living together. He left his wife. He says it's just a business arrangement. Yeah. Right."

Thereby guaranteeing you to be branded by everyone in your employment as a member of Ho-Workers United even if you never touch each other?

Frankly, that would be a stupid move for your job, for your work reputation, etc.

Frankly, nothing ever comes for free.

Frankly, moving in with this gal would be a bad idea, I think, even if you were a single man with no R history whatsoever.

Therefore, I would recommend against it. Not because it would hurt your chances of reconciliation, but because it is a bad decision for Hoju.

[Hoju]

Thanks Nitty, I thought that might be how others would view it too, just wanted to make sure from a 3rd party. It's really a shame because it would be the perfect living arrangement, as we get along great and I would largely have the place to myself. I laughed pretty hard at the term ho-worker, it isn't one I've heard before.

After things are settled next week I see no reason for W to contact me. Anyone in a similar sitch without kids know any good ways to keep contact with out pursuing?

[Hoju]

Not much new to report, I signed a lease for an apartment I will be moving into come January next year. Which means I will be staying at my mothers over Christmas. It's hard to believe the house will be gone in a little over a week.

I'm still having very little contact with W, just a few logistical emails as she coordinates moving the last of her things. They are always plesent as she does't seem to have any hard feelings towards me. We will be meeting the house lawyer together on Wednesday, just need to focus on being the best and most attractive me I can, there is a good chance she will give me the finalized separation agreement when we meet which I need to be prepared for.

I don't understand how DBing is suppose to work when you have no contact. I've checked out her facebook and she seems to be having a great time. I feel in my absence she is just getting closer and closer to OM (quite sure they are "officially" together now) I know this is her journey and I can't control her, I do understand the concepts but never initiating contact or doing anything together other then D tasks just feels like I'm giving up and giving my consent that she is free and single. I often find myself dreaming that she came back or that life was normal again and none of this happend, then I wake up and face the harsh reality.

[Nitty]

I don't understand how DBing is suppose to work when you have no contact.

Hoju, because DBing works on YOU. You can't change your situation until you change you.

I got nowhere with DBing until I started doing it for me, and not as a way to get my H back.

There are LBS who DB their butts off, and their WAS still don't come back. DBing is not a guarantee to save your marriage. Rather it's more of a way to save you.

DBing is not about manipulating your W into coming back. It is about making honest changes within yourself so that if:

1. If she does come back, you are a better man and your R will have a good chance to survive.

2. If she doesn't come back, you are a better man and your new Rs will have a good chance to survive.

Either way, you win. Either way, your life will be awesome.