I am sorry for taking so long to reply. I have had to do a vast amount of soul searching these past months and I am not finished yet. Some things have changed dramatically, so much so that if I choose divorce, the time is now.
I am happy to report the lawsuit against me has been dropped and the jerks suing my wife settled with her malpractice insurance company for the sum of $30,000. It sucks that they get anything at all because I didn't get squat, but at least I am not in jail for killing the OM. I also know that he went through three sets of lawyers to sue me, and our filing bankruptcy foiled his attempts to get our home, so in the long run, his lawyer bills were as high as what his winnings were. So, he netted absolutely nothing. Yay me.
After the papers were signed and the lawsuits were over, my wife and I sold our home and moved to another state to get back on our feet again. We are living with her parents as we look for another home. It sucks very much for me to be here, but the children are being doted on to no end. Soccer camp...music camp...swimming...things I could not have paid for at this time. We are still completely broke. She is unemployed, but I just landed a job as a helpdesk techie. It is depressing because I feel I should be a lot farther along in my career, but it is a paycheck. My wife is looking for work and will find some soon, I am sure, but she will not be making what a PhD should be since she cannot, and doesn't want to go back to psychology. Most of what we make now will go to pay off her student loans.
Ok, now for the dilema. We will make a tidy sum on our home sale, enough to pay off the bankruptcy. But if we pay off the bankruptcy, there will not be enough to pay her parents money we owe them and we will not have enough to place a down payment on a home. However, none of this will matter if I decide to divorce her. I will be free of any lawsuits and will have emerged from bankruptcy. I can start anew. I could get an apartment in the school district where we want our children to go and she can stay with her parents. And her parents will be around to help with the children.
On a side note: the children have not been negatively affected by the move to another state because their closest friends where we used to live were moving away anyway. They are happy to be here.
Or, we can stay in bankruptcy, still be allowed to keep 20% of what we earn on our old home for a down payment on a new home, pay off her parents slowly for the next 3 years, and try to make this marriage work.
I keep telling myself that I can learn to love her again and that it is ok to not trust her yet. I keep telling myself that the children need to stay in a complete family. I tell myself I stay because I cannot allow my children to have a step father or step mother. They truly are great kids and I don't want to ruin that.
It is true...I have been paralyzed to act. My ego has been crushed so badly that I don't feel like anyone would want me after I divorce and that is another, albeit pathetic, reason to stay. Better the devil I know...ya know?
I have no heart and am cold inside except for the deep love I feel for my children. I don't want either of them to ever stay in a bad relationship because they learned it from me. I have such anger and resentment for my inlaws for betraying me and I hate the fact I am living with them.
My wife surely doesn't know my feelings as of this moment. Perhaps I should tell her so she can do more to make me want to stay. We recently laughed together and for a brief moment, I forgot most of the pain and held hope. But the love just doesn't seem to be there for me anymore.
Should I take the chance to start a new life for myself? Or should I buy a new home with my wife and hope I learn to love her once more? I wish I could say time will tell, but the time to act is now because of the opportunity to emerge from bankruptcy.
Are you sure you can never love your wife? Your sincere concern for the welfare of your children coming from an intact family signifies to me that you have much to give.
I've read some of the posts to you about younger children being better able to handle divorce. As an adult whose parents divorced when I was 4, I can tell you that isn't necessarily so. I have spent a lifetime with pretty low self-esteem and wondering what on earth was so horrible about me that my parents didn't want me. I've been through therapy, started that for an adult diagnosis of ADD, and spent a lot of time with a counselor who continuously told me how remarkable I have done with my life. I don't feel I have done anything anyone else wouldn't do. Therapist apparently thinks I have.
My point, I guess, is that I think it is difficult to see how much we can and do love another person when we don't love ourselves. Do you love yourself? Do you even like yourself? I myself would answer no to both of those questions at least 50% of the time.
No one can really help you make this decision. My XH was having an affair and left stating he "didn't want to be married anymore." ILYBINILWY, and so on. I'm doing okay on my own. Our kids are grown and they are all doing okay most of the time...not great, not one of them is doing great! I know it won't happen, just because of the type of man my XH is, but if I had the opportunity to rebuild some type of partnership relationship with him, affairs or not, I would do that. I don't think I would ever marry him again. I don't think I will ever marry anyone...because I don't think I can ever find it in me to trust anyone that much again. But, I think it would do me, my kids, and my grandkids a lot of good to have access to their family again. Not just our core family but the extended families as well...right now, there isn't any of that.
I guess my only advice to you would be to try to figure out what is loveable about you and learn to love that...you might be surprised at who and what else you can love when you accept and feel good about yourself. I have some things in my life I am very proud of myself for right now and when I focus on that I find the world, myself included, is a whole lot more acceptable to me.
Hi Glenda, thanks for the response. I also came from a divorced family and I am certain that fact plays into my thought processes. Divorce is a terrible and painful thing for kids to go through. My children are the main reason I have stayed this long. I will continue to stay knowing, as others have told me, that I can choose to leave at a later time if I wish. Perhaps in the meantime, either God or my Sensei will teach me how to forgive this kind of betrayal.
sadbuthopeful - I'm glad you've decided to stay, for the moment at least. It's so valuable for us LBS to see the thought processes others go through.
Glenda - your words about loving yourself really struck a chord with me. My WAH gives the appearance of being very happy and in control of the situation, but little things make me wonder.
His parents D'd when he was 16, and he lost contact with his dad who never gave him any recognition of his (not insignificant) achievements. He has always been very career driven (gets a lot of praise there) and always obsessed with having as many friends as possible (he was very badly bullied at school).
He left me because he was worried our love was going to fizzle out. I think he is desperate for that love and appreciation and felt he wasn't getting it from me. I think I understand him slightly better now - thank you!
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Well... that's a really difficult decision. I think you'll ultimately have to figure out what's best for you and go with that.
For myself, I'd probably stay. Not because of love or no love, but just to be there for my kids until they are out on their own. I'd probably just put everything into the children and consider my spouse a co-parent.
I wouldn't try to love my spouse or try to get them to love me back, but I'd try to be friends with them. If you do decide to stay maybe that's where you need to go. Don't try to love her, just try to be a friend and coparent (still not easy! but I think it may be a good start).
On the other hand, I would never fault you for leaving in a situation such as you've decribed.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Flip, It is nice to know some of this sorrow somehow helps someone else understand their situation. A good thing in my kids situation, I guess, is that my XFIL has been in town and there have been two family picnics. One my younger son went to and saw his grandfather...the other the older son went and grandfather was able to see his great grandson. I am happy that they can get this connection with their dad's family but tormented at the same time that some OW is there playing with my grandchildren, visiting with my now x-siblings, etc.,...these people were my family for half of my life.
I've been trying to create my own positive energy. Michele TW talks about that a little bit. I will say though, when you have lived a childhood of betrayal by those who allegedly are there to care and have been bullied (I got that, too) it is difficult sometimes to see there might be more in life if you can love and trust. I truly thought I had found that love in XH.
I love my XMIL and XFIL a lot. I have talked with them on and off since the divorce. Even though my better judgement told me not to go there, I made the mistake of calling XSIL and asking if I could stop by and say hi to dad. Of course, you have to understand I have been told by all of these people that even though XH and I are not married that I am still family after 25 years....blah, blah, blah. My gut says differently....but I tried to put on that positive attitude. I was told it wasn't a good time and was given a couple of other "good" times...I'm not available either one. I was off yesterday for the holiday. I still have some transcription to do tonight but am really not in the mood. Son told me later he was in the kitchen when I called....XSIL was afraid it would be too awkward. Did I know about "roommate?" I made it clear I wasn't asking for a dinner invitation...just a pop in, pop out, say hi to dad and be on my way.
I used to brood about such things and although I am still sad that people say things they don't really mean I just say my piece and then try to move forward. So, I let XSIL know that I understand, I apologize for asking, and will not venture into that territory again. Heaven forbid I would not want to take a man who lied to me, cheated on me, and betrayed me and make him feel awkward because I wanted to see dad -- a man who I had known as my dad for 25+ years. I talked to dad on Father's Day and he said he wanted to see me while he was here but I'll just be happy with the chat. Someone is always terribly tormented when you tear a family apart. Sometimes it is the one who does the leaving, sometimes it is the one left behind, sometimes it is all involved.
I am sorry. You were totally right to want to say hello to someone who has been family to you. I hate to say it but how many more chances to we get to be together with our elders. each time is precious, right? I went through a similar sicth this summer with my ILs coming but they were on egg shells too. My H could not care less if I was there or not. His mom yelled at him for not including me in family plans. Who knows how to dismantle an entire life and family? Sometimes I dread people are only being nice to me just to get at my kids. After my parents' divorce my Grandmother was only kind and faithful to my mother, the first wife. This was hard on my father's two prospective wives later. I thought it was old fashioned that the ILs stay faithful to the First Wife. You know the OP probably think that and will always be jealous of us!
Last edited by mkultra; 08/19/0710:14 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hello Everyone. It has been seven years since I last felt the need to post. There have been many, many good times in the marriage since I last wrote in this forum and the have been, naturally, some difficult times too. I am still married to the same woman and I still love her dearly.
However, she is an alien again and wants a divorce. I don't know if she is having another affair and I don't know why she feels our marriage has never really changed for the better.
In April of 2012 I was diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's disease and one surgery has already been needed. My wife has said she doesn't want to be married to someone who is sick all of the time. If you read my earlier history you would know that I have severe allergies already and a multitude of other health issues. I will elaborate on them later but for now simply want to ask, just so I can wrap my mind around what is again happening to my marriage, if someone could post DBing's seven steps. All I can remember is "Going Dark," "Act As If...," and "Do a 180." Please. I cannot find my book about DBing and I want to get started immediately using what I remember worked the last time. I'm not trying to cheat Michelle out of her well deserved $12, just trying to jog my memory.
