It doesn't feel like a fairytale anymore...

[Kimmerz]

Hi there fth,

I was reading over your first thread last night, and was really amazed how much our husbands acted when this all began. I had been married for 18 years together a total of 21.

I agree with Matt, take advantage of the generous stage, because greedy monster is sure to follow. Mine did that right at Christmas time and refused to pay the support we agreed upon before it became completely legal. I called my attorney on that one, and ex husband straightened up right away. Of course he was more upset that I made him look bad in front of his attorney. Really??

Be sure you're being fair to yourself and think about how life will financially be down the road, and address that through this negotiation accordingly. I haven't read over all your situation, and I know your state may be different, but if you can make sure you get the entire tax return each year, especially if he's opting to be the part time father. My ex tried to get me to share it with him, but I refused to do that, because the expense to raise my girls is getting higher and higher each year.

Take care

Kimmerz.

[fthnluv]

Thanks Matt, Gwen and Kimmerz. I'm doing a little better today. I found an image of H and OW online (new FB page for him) with her in his arms and seeing that sort of sent me into a further tailspin last night. Then I beat myself up for it, of course, because it was self sabotage, I sought it out myself. Nothing good can come from seeing those sorts of things but curiosity (or Satan) got the best of me. Trying to erase that image from my head now. It's one thing to "know" it in my head and entirely another to see. How he could move on so quickly after 23 years with me just boggles my mind. I am promising myself not to look into those sort of things again. I pray I have the strength to keep my own promise to myself.

H probably won't acknowledge the cards, try to drop all expectations, all it leads to is disappointment. He just isn't able to think of you and his family in a normal way. If you do those type of things, do it because YOU want to and don't expect a response. If you do get one, be thankful but don't expect it to happen again.

Yes, I need to work on this for sure. He certainly does not want to be accountable for anything, including calling his kids or telling them thank you for the cards and that frustrates me. I do need to drop my expectations to zero, I only end up annoyed, frustrated and disappointed.

Thanks for the advice Kimmerz. I have prepared my response to his offer and took the time to do all the math and I think I am better off to take his deal than my chances with our state. He is paying for many things he does not have to pay for. I have to let go of what he may have spent on OW and move forward with what is a decent deal. I am going to have him pay support for both me and the kids based on a percentage of his income, rather than a specific amount (adjusted each year based on 1099's) which can hurt me in down years (but he wouldn't have the $ to pay the larger amount any way) but also gives me and the kids the upside if he starts doing even better, thanks to me taking care of the kids on my own so that he CAN do that. I'm not addressing the subject to him at this time unless he wants to discuss it, it would just be a step closer to a D that I don't want. If/when he wants to talk about it I am ready.

[fthnluv]

Tonight the lyrics of Alanis Morisette's famed song You Outta Know have been going through my head... especially the "it was a slap in my face, how quickly I was replaced..." and ..".I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother..." I want to send that to him and make his phone just play it on repeat over and over and over...

Ruh roh... I think I'm reaching the anger stage. I don't want to be a bitterman!

[Kimmerz]

Smart girl fth.... so glad you did the math and thought down the road. So glad he's giving you a better offer than the other option. Take it!!

Oh yes, this is a slap in the face alright! I've been through it, I know! I understand the curiosity of checking face book out. I did that, and never saw anything of those two together, but got reports from my girls all the time. Just because they were disgusted by what they saw. And I saw them together for the first time 4 years post BD almost two weeks ago. It still felt odd, but I had 4 years to get used to it.

My advice is.... you need to let these emotions wash over you! They're going to come in waves, and by the end of this you will be an excellent surfer! All you can do is ride the wave, and ALLOW yourself to feel what you feel. Don't tell yourself it's bad or you're wrong for the feelings you're experiencing. You and everyone else here has experienced betrayal on many different levels. It's ok to be bitter! Heck I've been bitter for a while now!

As time goes on, life and God has a way of evening things out. Things will not always be rosey with those two, I can guarantee it. It's just a matter of time before infatuation and real life settles in with those two. Trust me. The consequences of their actions will surface. I guess what's so hard about it is that it's not on our time line, but God's.

[LiveNow]

fthnluv - I'm on the same timetable as you -- BD 2013, and things are moving in the direction towards D now. I know how it is to see those photos. Last Feb. I went looking for photos online, and I found exactly what I was looking for - similar to what you found. They literally took my breath away, as I had only suspected, and had had no proof up until then. Suddenly I was looking at my husband's face -- looking very happy -- with someone else 13 years younger than me (and 17 years younger than him!). I'll never forget it, 8:00 in the morning on a Saturday. Woke up my sister on the phone. But, I think I was meant to find them, and wasn't ready to see them until right then. It's not a good thing to keep looking, but I figure, at the moment, I'm still married, and I have a right to know. Sounds like you are on the right track though now, as you work through all the financials. I wish you the best of luck as you're moving forward. You sound like you're doing great!

[fthnluv]

As time goes on, life and God has a way of evening things out. Things will not always be rosey with those two, I can guarantee it. It's just a matter of time before infatuation and real life settles in with those two. Trust me. The consequences of their actions will surface. I guess what's so hard about it is that it's not on our time line, but God's.

I'm torn on being excited about them paying the consequences in God's time and not wanting anything consequence-wise to happen to him, other than the Holy Spirit coming over him and removing the fog from his head and making him want to truly repent and save our family. I realize that *could* happen, even as early as tomorrow, but it's not likely to happen anytime soon and maybe never.

Lately I feel like he did all this chit and I am the one here, picking up all the pieces of our broken lives... kids that are having outbursts for no reason, suddenly peeing the bed again, trying to take this on and solve it themselves.

It's just not fair. I accept it as the path that has been put before me and that I must try to walk it with as much grace and dignity as possible but I sometimes wallow in the pity too.

While reading my bible today I came to the realization that I am still treating H as my god or idol to worship and that until I get this under control and truly worship God above H I will never have peace.

It also made sense of the issue that I was worried about today when I realized that H's new FB profile was public (if you look for his name you can easily find him) and that means that people might see that he is putting it "out there" that he is with someone else now.

That hurts so much and I was afraid that it would make a reconciliation harder, if people knew the H he is being now, so I wanted so badly for him to take it down (not that he would care about my opinion there). That way I would not have to defend him and explain that he is in MLC so that they wouldn't think less of him.

Then I realized that I was, once again, trying to make him my god and make him perfect, even to everyone else in the outside world.

Then I realized that it is not in my control and that even if the whole world knows that he is currently a lying cheater that would make it all the more the glory for God if/when our marriage is reconciled and better than ever. God will get all the glory, not me and not H, as he will clearly be shown to be a man who has (at that point) been changed by God from a scumbag cheater to a devoted husband, dad, and man of God.

I think this will let me let him go a little more, to stop protecting his image to the world. And, if I'm honest, I guess I have to be ok with not being perfect myself, even to the outside world.

I like days when I feel like I make some progress in my growth. Today is one of those days.

[fthnluv]

I went looking for photos online, and I found exactly what I was looking for - similar to what you found. They literally took my breath away, as I had only suspected, and had had no proof up until then. Suddenly I was looking at my husband's face -- looking very happy -- with someone else 13 years younger than me (and 17 years younger than him!).

Thanks LiveNow. Yes, I searched them out and I found them. I feel like an idiot, I knew that IF I found them they would only hurt me but I did it anyway.

How can he (they) possibly think that a R or M with someone so much younger will work, long term? Especially when built on lies (if not lying to OW, which I doubt, he was most certainly lying to me). Seriously H? You are 41 and she is 23! A recipe for disaster and classic MLC behavior (but he's not in MLC, right?)! I just hope that the damage that will be done in the meantime will not be irreparable, to either H or OW or us!

[LiveNow]

You know, I do believe that we were meant to find them. They were there to show us reality, so we're not in denial about it. It was about the worst moment of my entire life, but I needed to see those pictures. I was no longer in the dark, and I was grateful for that. (And, I have said this a number of times - the moment I confronted him with the photos was my 1 moment of pure joy in the past year and a half. Really. The look on his face was priceless. He had absolutely no idea they were out there, that was obvious.)

Your H and OW have almost exactly the same number of years between them as my H and OW. I don't get it either. And H and I had had a number of conversations in the past about how we could never (!) be with someone who wasn't close to our own ages because we wouldn't have as much in common. Hm. So much for that! Head up fthnluv. You're doing great. You and I will rise above this -- with plenty of grace and dignity intact.

And about your H's FB page? Leave it be. Let the world see. This is his life, his reputation, etc. Let it be what it is. Let him deal with whatever the consequences are. What he puts on there is not a reflection on you -- remember that. And if there is one thing I've learned this year it's that no one is perfect. Don't even try because it's fruitless. This was a tough lesson for me to learn, but showing more of my 'less-than-perfect' self to others has, without a doubt, brought me closer to those around me. And there is FREEDOM in knowing we can't be perfect! Hooray for us in all our imperfection!

[Kimmerz]

Oh my..... I remember the day I got confirmation of who my XH was with. However the woman he finally made it official with, I had suspected something was going on between the two for some time! I even caught him at her house one day! Of course he denied it till the cows came home. As it turns out this OW and My now EX had been working on an emotional affair for many years.

I found out through my neighbor, who happened to find out through the postal carrier! She noticed some woman was getting her mail at my XH new apartment and mentioned it to my neighbor. Mind you I live in a small town, so news travels fast.

I confronted XH about it, and he admitted it. Of course this was after he filed for divorce.

I want you to know.... the people that new XH and I best, the people that worked with XH for years were just disgusted. His family was floored, with the exception of his two cousins who seemed to swing between supporting him and accepting it, to being realistic about what had been done to me and the girls.

And at one time, my ex husband was a happily married man in love with his wife and his children! As I look back at how things went from great to horrible, it all fell within the MLC pre requesites! Huge life changes, death in the family, near death experience with him, dissatisfaction with his job, job stress, then home life stress due to me working and no time for us.

However what has really helped me accept this all, is that all along it was clear that the coping skills for XH for all this change were not in tact! I've spent alot of time very angry at him for not being who I needed him to be or wanted him to be.

When I finally realized that he literally doesn't have the capability by either choice, or not being shown how to during formative years (step dad a cheater and abuser, main role model) I honestly can't be too angry.

Horribly hurt and disappointed because I swore he'd never do that, but he did. And it all started with the ILYBNILWY statements like everyone else!

[123Gwen]

And at one time, my ex husband was a happily married man in love with his wife and his children! As I look back at how things went from great to horrible, it all fell within the MLC pre requesites! Huge life changes, death in the family, near death experience with him, dissatisfaction with his job, job stress, then home life stress due to me working and no time for us.

This was truly our story as well - Exactly to a T except I was not working outside the home but we live in a large city so literally going opposite directions and great distances for commute and school!

However what has really helped me accept this all, is that all along it was clear that the coping skills for XH for all this change were not in tact! I've spent alot of time very angry at him for not being who I needed him to be or wanted him to be.

I am so new to this sitch & DB but I am trying to let go of expectations. It feels like I am giving up hope but I am SLOWLY starting to understand the difference.


When I finally realized that he literally doesn't have the capability by either choice, or not being shown how to during formative years (step dad a cheater and abuser, main role model) I honestly can't be too angry.

My H does not seem to possess that ability either. I was naive or foolish to think that since he lived with me longer than FOO he would have "learned" those skills. Pretty arrogant on my part. I also thought he valued honesty so much I could always count on that. Again not realistic.

Horribly hurt and disappointed because I swore he'd never do that, but he did. And it all started with the ILYBNILWY statements like everyone else!

I am learning so much from you all. I also must admit I am sad about humanity after hearing all these stories. In a way to stay neutral I told D - "People are complicated even when they love you."

Thank you for sharing. I am trying to GAL but I am not really there yet to make any big steps except losing weight and IC and no contact. Still shell shocked but all your stories are helpful as I try to read the books and sort through my emotions.